All come crashing down again

[winteragony]

After my H told me about his affair and after several months of talking, crying, counselling, arguing and more talking I'd reached a point where I thought I could get through the pain and move on staying as a family. Then yesterday the OW (who has been warned by the police not to keep contacting my H as she was harassing us) emailed to say she's pregnant. My world has come crashing down all over again and I'm right back where I was 3 months ago when I first found out.

I know it could be a lie, a last desperate attempt to communicate...I know it's not definitely his, although she wasn't seeing anyone else so I'm pretty sure it will be. Just deep down, I think it's true and I feel torn apart.

My H wants nothing to do with her still. He accepts that in the worse case scenario he will have to support it financially, but all I can think of is that that's our hard-earned money. I'm self-employed and work from home after giving up my main career with our first DC. So although I like my job, it's flexible and great to be at home for the kids it doesn't pay that well. He was the main breadwinner with a good salary. He's left his job to sever ties with OW so is now unemployed but desperately looking for work.

And what if it is true? And she 'happens' to pass by him in the street pushing a pram, how will he resist stopping to look? Or the kid may seek out its biological father or siblings when it grows up and then what? Do they get to play happy families? I don't want my kids to ever ever ever know about this. I can't bear the thought that this bitch will force her way into my life or that of my children's without my consent. I'm seriously thinking of leaving the country with the kids and starting a new life under a new name.

Bloody hell.
The only think that will prove things one way or the other is a DNA test once the baby is born.

X

I doubt it is true. However I dont know the backstory. Why did they break up? Could it have been because she was pregnant?

It must be horrible for you.

My H ended it as he couldn't lie to me any more. She was not pregnant then as far as he knew.

How many months pregnant is she claiming to be? Do the dates work out?

If she is pregnant then the child is an innocent party in an unfortunate situation. Please don't hate or blame the child for this. I wouldn't worry about that yet though, wait until the baby is born and paternity has been established first.

It's understandable that you're focusing all the hatred on to her at the moment, especially as it sounds like she behaved badly when he ended the affair.

But the fact remains that he had unprotected sex with another woman and therefore knew the risks of conceiving a child and passing on a sexual infection to both of you. It wasn't only her responsibility to protect against this happening.

He is going to have to be the adult here and have contact with her again, to ask some questions. Has she had a scan and do the dates match up, for example?

He should take responsibility for this now and do what needs to be done. He needs to verify that the woman is pregnant and if so, that the child is his.

If it is proved indisputably that he is the father, he will have responsibilities to that child for the rest of his/her life and he must not shirk them. I imagine you would detest him even more if he did, despite your hurt? Regardless of the character and morals of the child's parents, he or she isn't to blame for that and will be an innocent human being born into this mess, so try to humanise this new person and stop using the term 'it'.

And resist the urge to sort this out for your husband, or control events. This is his problem and he needs to deal with it.

It's rare for a marriage to survive a baby being born as the result of an affair, because it's impossible to draw a line under events and start afresh. The couple's own children have a right to know about the existence of a half-sibling and that means knowing their dad had an affair. Keeping that secret means the innocent wife is drawn into the web of lies by telling lies of omission to her children and so that's never a good idea. Your own integrity towards your own children would be compromised because of your husband's failings. There will also be a considerable emotional and financial cost to your family for the foreseeable future.

I can understand it if your instincts right now are to hope this will all go away, but you need to separate what your husband needs to do and what you need to do. Your role in events is to decide whether you can stay with someone who has not only betrayed your trust, but has done something that will have a ripple effect on yours and your children's lives for years to come.

What a horrible thing for you to go through! I can't even begin to understand how bad you feel

All I would do for now is get H to send a brief reply saying please contact me on the birth of your child to arrange a DNA test. You don't need to deal with anything else until it is confirmed or disproved.

Unfortunately and I think you are going to hate me. If there is a child and if it is his child then I think that child has the right to a relationship with it's father for it's life and eventually it's other siblings.

My H has told the police about this as when OW was harassing us we were told to have no contact with her at all and they've reinforced that again now. So it's not recommended for us to ask if she's had a scan. I know that the dates could add up, she'd be around 14 weeks from the last time they were together. We have to wait to hear from the police when they've made contact with her.

I feel in a state of limbo as there doesn't seem anything else to do but wait. If she's lying then she will get into serious trouble with the police...I wonder if it was planned all along to announce this now for maximum shock and, who knows, maybe she'll say she 'miscarried' so that they can't prove she lied.

I've got so many scenarios rushing round my head at the moment I feel I'm going to explode.

I don't blame the child for this, or course I don't. But if it's true, then I do blame her, a 'career woman', for appearing to want to bring a child into an unbelievably awful situation. Although I can think of plenty of examples where being brought up by a single parent doesn't have to be bad, my H said she'd make the worse mother in the world.

But why do you blame her for your husband having unprotected sex? That was his responsibility too. He knew this was a risk. This was the fault of both of them; neither is more to blame at all.

Can you go and see your Dr and ask for some counselling? Or can you afford to have some for yourself? Just some outside unbiased help to get your head around this?

She is 50% responsible for this. my H said she'd make the worse mother in the world yet he was happy to risk a pregnancy with her! He and only he is to blame for the other 50% of that.

Do you know this woman yourself or do you only know what your H has told you about her?

I know it was his responsibility too...in fact I've spent the last few months knowing it and coming to terms with it and trying to see that there's something still left to fight for. Believe me it was not an easy decision.

I'm saying that only she has the power to continue with the pregnancy, he has no say in the matter. So although she was only ever interested in work, didn't really like kids, said she couldn't give a shit about me or my kids with H, I think she's selfishly doing this to force some kind of contact with my H. Sorry to offend the pro-life brigade, but when an innocent baby is going to be born into this sort of scenario then I do blame OW for choosing that path for her own selfish, desperate reasons.

Agreed Xales. What's your husband's reaction to this OP? Is he as traumatised as you, or is it a case of you suffering more than him again? This is his fault and he needs to own the problem. I get the impression that you've 'contained' this for him, so that no-one knows what he's done and yet you're the one who is 'exploding' with no safe outlet.

I agree that counselling for you would be a good idea. It's also okay for you to say that while you might have been able to forgive an affair, you cannot live with the results of it, however this turns out. And that will be his fault, not yours.

Cross-posted. Sorry OP, neither you or your husband have got any right to expect a woman to terminate a pregnancy. I know you're hurting, but stop and think about what you're saying and how anti-women that is. Your husband gets to walk away from the daily care of a child he's created if she keeps the baby. How is that fair either?

I am having counselling, although ironically was winding it down as I thought I'd made good progress. It's not cheap and I can't really afford any more as H has no work so I'm having to support us all.

I don't know her personally, but I've seen dozens of her texts/emails/voice messages and know she self-harms.

'my H said she'd make the worse mother in the world.'

I know it's probably helpful for you to think of her as an awful person so that you can continue to blame her and stay with your H, but really that is a terrible thing for your H to say. She was good enough for him to have unprotected sex with. He knew the risks but didn't care enough to take precautions.

H is traumatised, in fact it's taken us back to many many weeks ago when we couldn't communicate with each other well. Since then, we'd made good progress and had actually started to feel happy again. I know many people in my situation would have kicked him out long ago, but I struggled with that decision and think it was right for me not to do that. So I can't believe how I feel now, it's as if all the hard work, pain and heartache over the last few months were for nothing.

It would wreck us financially, leave me living in fear for the rest of my life in case there was an attempted contact with me/him/our kids, yet I'd just got to a place where I thought I could go forward. It doesn't change what he did, doesn't make it worse, I already knew of the unprotected sex and we were both checked out at an STI clinic (the joy), but it just reinforces everything.

If it is his child there should be contact from the very beginning. Not some poor child abandoned and attempting to find out about the father who didn't want anything to do with their mistake 20 years later.

If you take it from that angle it will be very hard but there will never be that fear of what if as it will be a done thing.

If she self harms that suggests to be that she is emotionally vulnerable or damaged. An abortion could be the last thing she could cope with, having been coldly dumped by the man who may have promised her the earth before deciding he preferred his wife.

It's helpful to hear your comments, thanks. I need an outsider's perspective. If it's general consensus that contact from the beginning is the morally right way forward, then I guess that's too much for me to handle and I need to end it with him now.

But this isn't the baby's fault. It will never be their fault and preventing your children from having a relationship with a half-sibling is unkind.

I know you are hurting but this is your husbands responsibility. He needs to deal with this like an adult. I would be looking at sending a letter via lawyer asking for a DNA test after the birth of the child before entering into further discussion. Request that all contact go via a lawyer.

You have every right to be angry and feel violated but your anger is directed at the wrong person. Your husband did this and if he is a real man he will have to deal with the consequences. Refusing to financially or emotionally support his own child is unacceptable behaviour.

Do you really want to be in a relationship with a man who could do casually dismiss his own child?

OP I do feel for you and you won't like what I'm about to say, but your husband has created 2 triangles here and in both, he gets to be at the top.

The first was when he and the OW colluded against you, the unknowing wife.

The second was when you and he colluded against her, the rejected OW.

Two women hate eachother because of a man's actions towards both of them.

This is a process and it's not unusual at all for a couple to join forces in their antagonism and blame towards the third party. It's especially understandable if the third party acts badly afterwards and tries to hit out instead of taking responsibility herself for her own role in events.

But while it's understandable, it does show that healing is not underway by a long stretch. For true healing to happen, your husband needs to take complete responsibility for his role in events and stop blaming her exclusively. He should also advise you to stop blaming her for anything other than the situation merits.

They both risked a pregnancy. When a man has unprotected sex he does so in the full knowledge that he could create a child that he will be responsible for throughout that life. The inequity is that in this situation, he knows that unless he leaves his wife and other children, he will not be responsible for that child's care needs, which as you know are enormous. When a woman conceives a child in this situation, she knows that there's a risk she will be left alone to bring that child up and be left totally responsible. But because of that, it must be her absolute right to decide whether to give birth to her child.

What might help you understand this is to imagine a different outcome. What if your husband had left you for the OW and you discovered just afterwards that you were pregnant? Would you give him or her the right to terminate your pregnancy? Wouldn't that be your choice and yours alone?

The fear of a child turning up 5/10/15 years later will eat you alive and always be at the back of your mind. Much better to rip that plaster off and get it out of the way.

The same with your children. If they know from now that they have a half sibling then it will not come as a massive shock during which they turn on you and as why you never told them.

Your H can arrange to see the child at a contact centre/through a 3rd party they both agree on so he doesn't have to have contact with her. Then when it is older an afternoon etc just them and build up to your children going occasionally.

Only you know if you can handle this. There is no shame if you can't. It is not your fault you are just the poor sod dealing with the fall out of 2 very selfish people.

For now just look after you and your DC /hugs

Do you still want to stay with your DH? If you left, you'd have sole responsibility of how you control your families finances and contact with a potential half-sibling, things might be better for you that way. You've done your best to save your marriage, if I was you I'd really struggle with the situation you're in, I don't think I could enjoy life with that OW in the shadows much less having to hand over money which should be spent on your own DC.

I feel for the unborn child but you and your children are innocent victims in this too, stay strong xx

"If you left, you'd have sole responsibility of how you control your families ... contact with a potential half-sibling"

No she would have no control over contact with a potential half-sibling.

I hope she is not pregnant, but I think you need to make it clear to your husband that if she is other then a cheque each month he is to have nothing to do with her. I would also insist on a DNA test if there is a child

No adult should 'control' this. Children have a right to know they have siblings.