All come crashing down again

[winteragony]

After my H told me about his affair and after several months of talking, crying, counselling, arguing and more talking I'd reached a point where I thought I could get through the pain and move on staying as a family. Then yesterday the OW (who has been warned by the police not to keep contacting my H as she was harassing us) emailed to say she's pregnant. My world has come crashing down all over again and I'm right back where I was 3 months ago when I first found out.

I know it could be a lie, a last desperate attempt to communicate...I know it's not definitely his, although she wasn't seeing anyone else so I'm pretty sure it will be. Just deep down, I think it's true and I feel torn apart.

My H wants nothing to do with her still. He accepts that in the worse case scenario he will have to support it financially, but all I can think of is that that's our hard-earned money. I'm self-employed and work from home after giving up my main career with our first DC. So although I like my job, it's flexible and great to be at home for the kids it doesn't pay that well. He was the main breadwinner with a good salary. He's left his job to sever ties with OW so is now unemployed but desperately looking for work.

And what if it is true? And she 'happens' to pass by him in the street pushing a pram, how will he resist stopping to look? Or the kid may seek out its biological father or siblings when it grows up and then what? Do they get to play happy families? I don't want my kids to ever ever ever know about this. I can't bear the thought that this bitch will force her way into my life or that of my children's without my consent. I'm seriously thinking of leaving the country with the kids and starting a new life under a new name.

What Rach said. And please remember - there might not even be a baby. There are a lot of posters on here with experience of affairs, fewer with experience of being stalked / harassed. It's really pissed me off that you haven't been believed when you say this woman was harassing you. Most stalkers are ex lovers or partners, after all.

Winter, I am sorry you are feeling so desperate and are in so much pain. I know how it feels to be cheated on and the awful agony it causes. There were many times when I wished I could just go to sleep and never wake up.

But there IS light at the end of the tunnel - whichever route you choose. In my 20s I was left by the man I thought was the love of my life and I truly thought I would never get over it but in time I healed. You never think you will get better but you take every day one at a time and you get through it. I promise this feeling of utter desolation will not last forever.

My now husband and I overcame his cheating (which happened before we married) and our marriage is so, so much stronger in many way for having gone through it. After the cheating came to light we communicated far more honestly and effectively than we ever had before. We have much more realistic expectations of each other, we understand each others frailties and foibles, we know what the deal breakers are where our trigger points are... so many good things were built on the ruins of our former relationship.

I know someone who has been through a somewehat analogous set of circumstances relating to an unwanted pregnancy. He had a brief one night stand before he met his now wife resulting in a son. Every single month he paid the money he had to for the boy's upkeep but has never set eyes on him in his life. His view was that he did not choose to have the child, didn't want the child and was decieved into becoming a father (the girl said she was on the pill when she wasn't). I can actually understand his way of thinking. As a man he had no say in whether or not to keep the baby, abortion being solely the woman's choice, but he did NOT want to be a father to that baby and refused to be MADE to be against his will.

The man in question is now married and has kids with his wife but has zero relationship with his oldest son. He fulfilled his legal obligations but in his eyes he is a sperm donor only.

I also know a woman whose husband had an affair and the OW got pregnant. At the wife's insistence the man cut off all contact with the OW and the baby and the only connection between them is the CSA money cut out of his paycheck. For the wife, it was the only way the family could move on from the affair. Maybe in 20 years from now the half sibling will surface, but until then they are doing their best to move forward and hold together as a family, and that has meant excluding the OW and the baby. I don't judge her. Her main priority was her own children and keeping the family unit together.

My point is, you are not alone in experiencing this. It happens far more often that you would think. And while people can insist that the OW's baby has a right to a father no one should judge what you choose to do unless they have walked a mile in your shoes.

Try to keep your chin up and weather the storm. Things WILL get better I promise.

WA nobody has deliberately tried to make you feel bad

all criticisms of your situation have put the blame firmly in your husband's court, not yours

he has manipulated everybody, including you

please seek help from your GP or ring The Samaritans 08457 90 90 90 (if you are in the UK)

no man should have the ability to bring you this low, is he really worth hurting yourself for ?

OP, I don't understand what you mean by 'malicious accusations'

Against who? You? I don't see that - and it would be for doing what exactly?

Against your husband? Accusations yes, but not malicious I think. That would be quite difficult.

Even the most frantic of the advice on here has been such because the focus has been on warning you NOT to fall into the age-old trap of trying to re-cast your H as the poor misguided innocent making a mistake. He isn't. People are concerned that you are being manipulated by him. The focus is on you.

I'm sorry that you felt you didn't get assistance on your previous thread.

Talk to someone - are you still having counselling? Remember that there may not be a baby. And please, try to stay calm, focus on your own children, and get some time away from your H.

Hi OP

Hope you are feeling a little bit better and getting any help in RL that you need. Sending you lots of strength.

am hoping someone is in pm contact with WA, and that she is ok

Hope you are ok as you can be wa

Sweetheart, I hope you are feeling better today.