All come crashing down again

[winteragony]

After my H told me about his affair and after several months of talking, crying, counselling, arguing and more talking I'd reached a point where I thought I could get through the pain and move on staying as a family. Then yesterday the OW (who has been warned by the police not to keep contacting my H as she was harassing us) emailed to say she's pregnant. My world has come crashing down all over again and I'm right back where I was 3 months ago when I first found out.

I know it could be a lie, a last desperate attempt to communicate...I know it's not definitely his, although she wasn't seeing anyone else so I'm pretty sure it will be. Just deep down, I think it's true and I feel torn apart.

My H wants nothing to do with her still. He accepts that in the worse case scenario he will have to support it financially, but all I can think of is that that's our hard-earned money. I'm self-employed and work from home after giving up my main career with our first DC. So although I like my job, it's flexible and great to be at home for the kids it doesn't pay that well. He was the main breadwinner with a good salary. He's left his job to sever ties with OW so is now unemployed but desperately looking for work.

And what if it is true? And she 'happens' to pass by him in the street pushing a pram, how will he resist stopping to look? Or the kid may seek out its biological father or siblings when it grows up and then what? Do they get to play happy families? I don't want my kids to ever ever ever know about this. I can't bear the thought that this bitch will force her way into my life or that of my children's without my consent. I'm seriously thinking of leaving the country with the kids and starting a new life under a new name.

" she apparently said she was going to wait outside the school.. presumably to facilitate a meeting with the person who had just dumped her, and was now avoiding her."

Oh yes, how innocent - just casually waiting by the children's school...

Nothing unusual about that. Why, whenever I want to see someone I find out where their children go to school and loiter outside in hopes of bumping into them.

Totally normal, and not remotely threatening.

The thing I find really works with this approach is the way I get to threaten to involve children, without having to state it explicitly.

Nothing wrong with that, eh?

I mean if people would just respond as I want them to I wouldn't be forced into taking these measures. Right? RIGHT?

Making fun of the OP? I'm most certainly not making fun of the OP; jeez, in terms of taking the piss out of her, her h has already been there, done that, and got the fucking t-shirt so why the hell would I want to add to her humiliation?

The OP is only wanting to contact the police now to establish what action they took last time Not if you've read what I've read, she isn't.

The OP has clearly stated that the reason for her and her h engaging in another of his engineered shows of unity- going to the police is to get them to make contact with the ow and ascertain whether she is pregnant because the OP 'needs to know' now.

As for wasting an MP's time: I have no compunction on that score as those meglos and lardy arses sure do waste a fuck of lot of mine and, in the event that I excercise my right to tax my MP's party limited ability with a matter that others may consider to be a waste of his time, I'll chalk that up to even stevens.

With regard to my finest hour, in rl I've had more than most and I live in hope that my best is yet to come. In the interim, I intend to keep on truckin' true to myself and will continue to call it as I see it.

Is it too much to hope that the OP's interests will now be put before the desire of some to see me burned at the stake flamed?

just casually waiting by the children's school indeed, Thing. And how would the ow know where her ex-lover's dc go to school?

If you wish to take issue with me please free to do so in the privacy of the pm facility - or we could start our own thread, perhaps to the tune of a Strauss waltz .

That's not how I read the OP's posts Izzy. I'll credit her with a lot more intelligence than thinking the police ought to be finding out if a woman is pregnant. The 'need to know' as I saw it - and followed the posts that preceded that one - was what type of warning the police gave the other woman.

It's not up to us to say this is a waste of police time. That's up to the police - and they didn't. I'll credit their intelligence too in being prepared to believe that the evidence they saw with their own eyes merited their involvement.

From the OP: My H had to report it as it was officially harassment of him So, no evidence that the ow harassed the OP and/or her dc.

Yes it was a warning rather than a caution... So, no record on the ow's record. FWIW a 'warning' in this case may simply amount to kindly off the record advice to back off cos he's a nutter on a mission.

we've just phoned them again to chase it Chase what? The 'warning' that was given to the ow some 8 weeks ago? Why would there be any need to chase that after the event?

even after stressing the urgency of everything they won't do anything until tomorrow. Can't cope with this I have to know now....it would only take them 5 minutes to call Call who? I very much doubt that the OP would be expecting the police to call her and, therefore, it seems to me that she is expecting or hoping that the police will give the ow a bell to ask her if she's pg and if she's intending to name a certain lying coward philanderer as the putative father.

izzyizin you've sussed it out almost perfectly. She thought he would leave me and became increasingly insistent so he realised that he wasn't going to be able to end it cleanly with her Loosely translated as 'he didn't have the balls to tell the ow it was over so he ran away and hid behind mummy's skirts 'cos he doesn't how to play truth and consquences' - and at this rate, he never will.

From your very good self: Not to be too cynical, but not much gets in the way of getting an easy sanctioned detection; a performance indicator that is used to measure police efficiency Come on, Charbon, I reckon that at least you and I can agree that the introduction of police cautions has lured the unwitting middle classes into thinking they're getting off scot free while massaging the 'crimes solved' figures into a positive spin direction.

FTR, I readily credit the police with 'intelligence' when I see it and I can only wish that more officers of every rank that I've had dealings with possessed the acumen and sensitivity of vicarinatutu.

izzy, do you mean to be so nasty toward the OP?

sigh.

Ok, to get back to the OP.

Look OP, you only have your H's VERY unreliable word for anything that has happened with this woman. There are 2 sides to EVERY story OP.

How do you know "he couldnt lie to you anymore" Surely it is FAR more likely (sorry) that the OW was going to make the affair public and so your H started damage limitation?? Surely it is FAR more likely (sorry) that he has left work because he is embarrassed and feels his old position is now untenable?

The OWs behaviour is unacceptable and wrong BUT she is a victim of your H too, albeit she was complicit in the whole sorry mess.

You and your dc (and the possible child) are the innocent victims here and your H is responsible.

You need to get yourself to the STD clinic for a check up in case they did have unprotected sex.

Thinking of you x

Can you please give an example of my 'nastiness' towards the OP, SoupDragon?

From page 1: we were both checked out at an STI clinic (the joy)

No need to worry on that score Becarooo.

oh, good. Thats something you dont have to worry about at least.

Also from page 1, in Charbon's words: "your husband has created 2 triangles here and in both, he gets to be at the top.

The first was when he and the OW colluded against you, the unknowing wife.

The second was when you and he colluded against her, the rejected OW.

Two women hate each other because of a man's actions towards both of them"

which, given that the OP and the ow are victims of the same man, sums it up.

It's a great shame that the OP didn't come to this board when her h confessed his affair as, some 14 weeks on, I suspect that she'd continue to be going forward instead of backwards.

He didn't "abandon" her

But he did! He made her believe he would leave his wife She thought he would leave me and became increasingly insistent then when she became insistent, he panicked & ran for the hills. And dumped her. It is all very well to say that she had an affair with a married man, but he was the one who made the vows to his wife, not her. She was just the naive woman who believed his lies.

She was just the naive woman who believed his lies

In this case it would seem probable that you're spot on dnft but it has to be said that it's an easier option for a wronged wife to believe that a predatory femme fatale deliberately set out to snare her husband than admit to herself that she's married to a lying twunt.

I guess that once a wronged wife convinced herself that her husband was not much more than an innocent abroad, it's relatively easy to overlook the fact that he must be some kind of dumbfuck for falling for the oldest trick in the book.

Ignoring the bickering . . . how are you op?

This thread has worked out very strangely, I can see why some posters are astonished at what appears to be almost a level of support for the OW.

I don't think it's about that really.

OP, if you are still reading - my humble 2p worth. You have had a really unusually varied bag of responses here I think because there is something about the story of this affair which leaves a particularly nasty taste in the mouth.

From what you've said about this woman, she sounds pretty unhinged and desperate. Her behaviour has obviously been awful and there is never an excuse for getting involved with a married man - but reading between the lines, it sounds more than anything that your H is the predator - a man who started an affair with a clearly vulnerable person. Who (I would bet a lot of money) indulged her with promises of leaving you, having a life together. Who slept with her without using protection. That last says it all, you MUST know that. Do you honestly believe that this was the 'mistake' of an honest, loving husband who acted utterly out of character and is now 'traumatised'? I don't. It doesn't sound like it at all. He sounds a callous user with as little regard for his family and their health as for this woman now that the affair is over.

Do you believe that she was utterly different when he started the affair - really?? Do you believe that it was she who ensnared him, like some powerful, clever femme fatale? From the way things are now, he seems to be the one with the nous, no? He's certainly been successful (so far) in extricating himself from her and making it clear that he will use the law against her to make sure she is neutralised, while at the same time being extremely effective (from this cynic's point of view) in getting you to join with him in this. While you are on his side, she has no power to upset anything - he knows this. Except for - possibly - the card she has shown now. Which is why I think - and hope, for all your sakes - that she may not be pregnant and that this may indeed be a last desperate attempt to fight against being 'discarded' (as she sees it). I am not surprised that she didn't have a formal caution. It sounds more as if the police had a friendly word advising her to let this go.

The most upsetting thing though is the degree to which you are taking his side. Nothing good at all can come of it. They both did wrong, but only one person made promises of fidelity to you. And it isn't the one which you are demonising. Don't let the wool be pulled over your eyes any longer. Have a good think, because, whether she is pregnant or not, your H sounds like a totally accomplished shitbag. He will betray you again because your reaction has shown him that when the chips are down you will fight FOR him - mummy tiger - despite him throwing you and your relationship on the scrapheap.

Does this equate to me saying that no-one should ever forgive an affair - I don't know. I think for me that would be the case, but I do know that I would be unable to advise anyone to forgive where there had been unprotected sex. He put your health in danger. And I also know that him 'coming clean' because he could no longer stand the deceit etc. is overwhelmingly likely to be utter bullshit - he was about to be outed.

So. I think the unusual responses on this thread spring from the same sense of unease as I got, reading this. Even with you, his supporter, as the narrator - your H sounds like a nasty, nasty predator. Beware.

I agree with doctor, I got that sense of unease when reading too.

The only thing we really know from all of this is that the OPs husband had an affair and may have got the OW pregnant.

Any speculation about the OW (unhinged etc) is just speculation as the wife who was cheated on and the man who is trying to absolve himself of responsibility are not going to give a pleasant picture of her.

As my gran would say "She's not better than she ought to be" for having an affair with a married man, but she was good enough for someone who was married and had children to flirt with, court with and ultimately shag, before dumping.

I don't think its unsympathetic to the OP to tell her to place the blame for this firmly on the shoulders of her philandering H as he is the one who cheated on her.

Havent read every post, but my thoughts are that why would she wait till 14 weeks before announcing her pregnancy?

perhaps so she couldn't be "forced"into a termination?

I really don't think it is up to anyone to question her motives, tbf.

I think situations like this often become too polarised and the characters involved depicted as villains and victims. As in most cases, there will be shades of grey.

I think many of us have acknowledged that it's not unusual for someone in the OP's position to demonise the OW for her behaviour during an affair and regard the faithless husband as the victim of a predatory and evil woman, but eventually that phase will pass for the OP as things fail to stack up and the husband's behaviour comes under more scrutiny. It is a process.

But it's just as unrealistic and polarised to depict the OW as a poor naive, defenceless victim at the mercies of a predatory man. The reality of all affairs is that both of the people involved in them behave badly and the reality of human nature is that no-one is bad or good all of the time.

I don't think we should ever forget though that the OP of this thread is hurting very badly and so we should be gentle in our challenges and give some thought to how we make them - although make them we must. What tends to work best is to unpick the story logically, encourage her to see where there is a different slant on the story and support her in her quest to make sense of something traumatic.

winter agony I hope you feel able to come back to the thread and receive support.

I think it's normal to feel anger and that you would hope she wasn't pregnant or it wasn't his. Don't feel bad about all the anger you feel surrounding the baby because you are the innocent party in this scenario. If it is true you will have to come to terms with it but it will take time and don't beat yourself up for feeling such thoughts of anger. I would feel like you if I felt two people had ruined my life, hopes and dreams. However you might feel like that now but your life isn't over, everything happens for a Reason maybe he has done you a favour. I couldn't live with that situation maybe there is a new loving man around the corner.

OP, I have been in your situation many times over. It isn't nice and it's soul-destroying, but can I just say that your ex should see and pay for this child. Why the heck does he think that he should not have to have anything to do with the baby. It's not like his sperm just happened to wander into this woman's vagina, is it?

This situation says more about your husband (and how he deals with the consequences of his own actions) than it does about the OW.

As for the other woman? You don't know what crap he was feeding her, whilst getting his wicked way...

OP, I used to be just like you. I always went after the other woman and always took my anger out on her. And I also ended up in a lot of trouble...

It's only now that I have broken up with the arsehole, did I realise that he was 100% at fault for letting the situation happen. The OW is just a pawn in his shitty chess game, as are you :(

Just thought I'd put my final post on here. I started this with the aim of getting some helpful advice. But, as so often happens, it has descended into malicious accusations. To whoever said that I should have posted on here when I first discovered the affair, I did (under a different name), but wasn't helped much then either. Don't know why I thought it would be a good thing to do again, but then I'm not thinking very clearly. So I shall not waste any more of my time.

God knows what's going to happen now. At least I have experienced first hand how the police can act quickly when it really matters...full marks to them for finding me so quickly wandering the streets of a nearby city in the dark near the train track and sending texts of goodbye. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and this will have all been someone's horrific experiment of manipulating my mind. Or maybe I just won't wake up.

Good luck OP.

One final bit of advice. Take 24 hours away from this and come back and read through all the posts. I expect your overall view is coloured by how the thread changed tack latterly. There is some good, objective and well-intentioned advice on this thread from lots of posters who only wish you well and have no other agenda. I do understand though that you're feeling attacked right now and that's a real shame. But I think with some distance you won't think the whole thread was a waste of your time.

Look after yourself and always remember - you did nothing wrong here.

Oh winter agony don't talk like that. That isn't your reality, your reality is a happy life with your children. I know you feel so much pain hurt and anger now but it's only because this is all very raw. You will not feel this forever. Do you not believe that you have a path and wrong doing is always corrected?, I'm saying this in the sense of believing that someone up thre is looking down on you and making sure you will come through this stronger, happier and fulfilled. Don't let this bring you to suicide why should you and your kids suffer for something your husband did? You deserve much better than him and you will get good karma coming your way, please believe this.

Dont go op, there are caring people on here who want to help. Keep talking to us.