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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

All come crashing down again

133 replies

winteragony · 25/03/2012 09:58

After my H told me about his affair and after several months of talking, crying, counselling, arguing and more talking I'd reached a point where I thought I could get through the pain and move on staying as a family. Then yesterday the OW (who has been warned by the police not to keep contacting my H as she was harassing us) emailed to say she's pregnant. My world has come crashing down all over again and I'm right back where I was 3 months ago when I first found out.

I know it could be a lie, a last desperate attempt to communicate...I know it's not definitely his, although she wasn't seeing anyone else so I'm pretty sure it will be. Just deep down, I think it's true and I feel torn apart.

My H wants nothing to do with her still. He accepts that in the worse case scenario he will have to support it financially, but all I can think of is that that's our hard-earned money. I'm self-employed and work from home after giving up my main career with our first DC. So although I like my job, it's flexible and great to be at home for the kids it doesn't pay that well. He was the main breadwinner with a good salary. He's left his job to sever ties with OW so is now unemployed but desperately looking for work.

And what if it is true? And she 'happens' to pass by him in the street pushing a pram, how will he resist stopping to look? Or the kid may seek out its biological father or siblings when it grows up and then what? Do they get to play happy families? I don't want my kids to ever ever ever know about this. I can't bear the thought that this bitch will force her way into my life or that of my children's without my consent. I'm seriously thinking of leaving the country with the kids and starting a new life under a new name.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 25/03/2012 21:56

"it could reasonably be said that he abandoned her once she ceased to have any attraction for him."

It could reasonably be said that she had it coming.

He is married. He has children.

He was not hers to be abandoned by. His place was never with her, and she knew that.

What she might have been told by an adulterous liar doesn't excuse her harassing his family when he inevitably tired of her.

Given the struggles by women to have this kind of harassment taken seriously by the police, I'm perturbed to see so many people minimising it and saying it was understandable.

Being dumped doesn't give you the right to harass the person who dumped you, never mind the wife and children you fucked over with your horrible selfishness.

Who cares if there would have been another woman? In reality it was this woman, who has sought to harm the OP and her children repeatedly.

Wanting to stay well clear of her is entirely sensible (and advised by the police).

If the OP wants to work on her marriage, a claim of pregnancy from a source proven to be unreliable and malign, is not a reason for that to change.

Telling a woman who thought her marriage was going to be OK yesterday that she should walk away today because a woman who has a police warning for harassing her husband has found a new way to get at him seems very much about just telling her to do what you think she should have done to start with.

izzyizin · 25/03/2012 21:57

My sentiments exactly, squeaky.

If the ow had made good on any of her alleged threats, it would be an entirely different matter but using the police to deflect his wife's attention the flack from the full extent of his duplicity is despicable.

Frankly, wa had he asked you to try to find it in your heart to welcome a child that he's fathered with an ow into your family at a future point in time I would have some respect for him but, as it is, I feel inclined to view him as beneath contempt.

longdrawnoutsigh · 25/03/2012 21:59

((((winteragony)))). I feel very sorry for you op, this is a shit situation. Can I offer my thoughts?

I was in a similar place to you just over a year ago (in as much as husband had cheated and I was trying to make our marriage work). I have name changed since then but had my own thread, and received some excellent advice from AF and WWIFN among others.

I think you are feeling very much like I did at the time. You seem to have hysterically brushed the affair under the carpet, you have presumably known about it for no more than 14 weeks at the absolute max. This is barely enough time to process the fact that you've been cheated on, let alone dismiss it and move on. You are demonising the OW, indeed treating her like an actual criminal. You seem to be viewing your H as a fellow victim, rather than the actual guilty party.

He chose to risk your marriage and family for this woman. I don't believe for one second that he confessed to you because he was suffering so much guilt. I think that it was going to be made open (either by her, or someone else) and so he told you as a damage limitation thing. Has he actually left work voluntarily or was he sacked because of the affair. The fact that he is demonising this woman alongside you is utterly unforgivable cowardice on his part and utter dodging of his responsibility.

Tbh I think the 'baby' issue is secondary to all this (although I understand how dreadful it is making you feel).

When I found out about my Hs affair (or should I say ex-h) I was terrified of the OW, I was convinced she was going to come round and petrol bomb the house etc etc etc. I had no grounds for feeling this way. But the only way I could process the betrayal was to turn her into an evil presence and my H into a victim.

In the end our marriage failed, while I was desperately trying to save our marriage, blame the OW, sweep feelings under the carpet etc etc he was still busy shagging around. But that's irrelevant.

You know what, just over a year later I am so strong. I would never have believed anyone who told me that this would be ok. He was my life, practically a childhood sweetheart, my family was the only thing that mattered, how could he do this? How could i cope with my family being destroyed? etc etc etc. BUt you know, I am all but over him. See him as a weak tit I have no respect for. Mainly I don't think of him at all. I am single, and proud, and not scared. I love my kids, my house, my friends. But a year and a half ago I was just as terrified / devastated as you are now. I am just trying to offer hope although I know it will be very hard to believe it right now.

I am SO glad my h carried on being unfaithful, SO glad that eventually his behaviour gave me no choice but to end the marriage. because otherwise i'd still be with an unfaithful, weak man, who would almost certainly do it again in a year or two.

In just this last week, I have had 2 separate conversations with women who have told me about a friend of theirs who are going through a divorce, having forgiven affair number one, and a year or two later discovered affair number two.

If you forgive this so rapidly as you have done, you are giving your weak, unpleasant, lying, cowardly husband (I'm sorry to be harsh, but he is all these things and more) your absolute permission to screw more women in the future.

Forget the police, this is a diversion from the real issue. You need to get him away from you, you need space and time from all this drama, and you need to think about the rest of your life spent with this 'man'.

I wish you nothing but strength and sympathy for the awful times you are currently enduring, but I PROMISE you. IT GETS BETTER (but he will always be this man).

AnyFucker · 25/03/2012 22:02

AThing, I don't agree

If I had been there at the moment OP found about about all this shit, I would have told her to walk away then

all these further updates are inevitable sequelae of the decision her husband made the day he decided he had the right to fuck someone else and not bother to put something on the end of it (to paraphrase Jeremy Kyle)

he caused this, all of this

he invited this woman into his marriage, I presume he lied like fuck to her too

he still has two women wrangling and fighting over him

like a dog with two dicks, ain't he ?

I wouldn't give him house room

AnyFucker · 25/03/2012 22:05

long I am glad you are in a better place now, but sorry you had to reach rock bottom to get there x

it wasn't your fault, I am glad you see that now

weevilswobble · 25/03/2012 22:07

Havent read every post, but my thoughts are that why would she wait till 14 weeks before announcing her pregnancy? You know at a few weeks if you are pregnant, so why would a slightly unhinged impulsive woman wait to announce it at over 3 months. I dont think she is pregnant.

longdrawnoutsigh · 25/03/2012 22:20

Thanks AF. I will always remember you as being a small but instrumental part of that awful time. I am so glad now that I have very similar and strong beliefs as you about a persons right to be treated with absolute respect, and oh boy have I had my eyes opened since Christmas 2011 in terms of how women (my old self included) are just so scared of being alone that they will put up with abysmal behaviour from men and dress it up as being acceptable.

To all those posters saying 'the ow must be making it up, etc' I really think you are royally missing the point. The husband is the twat here, the OW could be a saint or the devil, it's totally irrelevant. The husband fucked up this marriage, and getting involved in a drama about whether the ow is a 'bunny boiler' is just deflecting attention from the H. Why do women do this? As my relate counseller said 'cheating does not happen in good relationships'.

longdrawnoutsigh · 25/03/2012 22:22

to clafiry, 'cheating does not happen in good relationships' did not mean she was blaming the relationship and thus justifying the cheating. She was saying to me, 'cheating is not acceptable - stop brushing it away and saying 'but our relationship is great, apart from the cheating' if that makes sense!

squeakytoy · 25/03/2012 22:33

I also agree that it was highly unlikely he suddenly had a pang of remorse and confessed all because he felt he couldnt lie any more. I would say it is much more likely that the shite was about to hit the fan and he knew his dirty secret was about to be blown apart. He has treated both of you despicably, and while the other woman was not behaving well by getting involved with a married man, who knows what bullshit he spun her about how bad his marriage was, how dreadful his home life had become etc...

I dont expect you to have any sympathy for her OP, but the child, if there is going to be one, is the innocent party in all of this, and if possible should have the right to know his/her father.

Your children, as they grow up, may lose respect for their father, but they also have the right to know their half sibling too if they get the opportunity. I would say it will hurt them far more to find out the truth in years to come, and it would make them think a hell of a lot less of their father if they find out he was a weak man who shunned his responsibilities and disowned a child he had fathered.

It is a horrible situation for you, and you have done no wrong, but you cannot shut this out and pretend it has not happened if it turns out she is pregnant.

longdrawnoutsigh · 25/03/2012 22:41

Christmas 2010 I mean! Sorry, will shut up now.

Hope you are ok OP xxx

izzyizin · 25/03/2012 22:42

I haven't read anything which indicates that the ow has harassed the OP or her dc.

As for the alleged 'police warning', this would appear to be the subject of another debate entirely and I, for one, will be writing to my MP if it transpires that adulterous husbands can use the police to provide a free service to rid themselves of discarded ow should they prove to be not as compliant as their deceived wives.

It could reasonably be said that she had it coming. IMO it could equally be said that the OP's h had it coming and that, to date, whatever he had coming is yet to arrive.

The only reason that any male, female, or transexual, commits an act of infidelity is because of their ego self-belief that it is expedient for them to do so and, unless they are suffering from a genetic defect in, or accidental damage to, the part of the brain that governs moral behaviour in the rest of us, commitment to an existing spouse or partner should be sufficient in itself to resist the lure of any siren's song

FFS, if you're intent on getting your leg over with another party, you can at least have the decency to clear the deck first so that you don't make an utter twat, cuckold, or laughing stock, out of your spouse/partner/significant other or cause them hurt beyond measure.

On this occasion you may safely take it that I won't be joining you at the stoning, Thing. Perhaps another time?

izzyizin · 25/03/2012 22:50

(very slow typist here)

Hallelujah and praise the lord you saw the light, sigh

Your words are truly inspirational and I do so hope that the OP will take notice and heart from them.

Well done, you!

Charbon · 25/03/2012 22:54

If (and none of us know) the H lied to the OW and made false promises, she is entitled to feel very angry towards her ex-lover but that that does not excuse her harassing a family and threatening to stalk the OP's children outside their school. That is a police matter and I'm surprised that some posters are making light of that, particularly if you've got children yourselves. The OP is only wanting to contact the police now to establish what action they took last time, not to invoke further action against this woman. But we shouldn't absolve this woman, however hurt and rejected she might feel, from complying with the law and behaving decently towards a woman and children whose lives she (in collusion with the H) was attempting to ruin. Being rejected, however cruel and hurtful, does not entitle you to behave like this.

But what ever she has done, she had the responsibility to tell the father of her child she is pregnant (now discharged) and she has the right to continue her pregnancy and receive financial support for a child that was jointly conceived.

OP I think in time and with some reflection, you will see that a measure of how much your H has changed as a person is the responsibility he takes for any child that might be his. If he fobs this child off and rejects him or her emotionally, this will be further evidence of how weak and irresponsible he is and are the very behaviours that led him to cheat in the first place. This is what I mean when I say be careful what you wish for. If he doesn't face up to this and deal with it like a decent human being, it is very likely that he will cheat again.

Charbon · 25/03/2012 22:56

You'd better read the thread again then Izzy. The OP saw texts from the OW saying she was going to "come round to our house/sit outside school/ruin lives..." which is a direct threat against the family and not the H specifically.

AThingInYourLife · 25/03/2012 22:58

" I, for one, will be writing to my MP if it transpires that adulterous husbands can use the police to provide a free service to rid themselves of discarded ow should they prove to be not as compliant as their deceived wives."

:o

Right, so it's a waste of police time for people who have been harassed to complain about their harassment, but you're going to waste an MP's time with this utterly crazy deluded crap that you have made up.

You are trying to change reality to fit your prejudice - that men who have affairs are evil, that women are their victims.

This woman received a police warning and yet you have dreamt up (with no evidence whatsoever) a story about a poor victimised woman who was just doing what any woman would when treated badly by her boyfriend.

This must be what people mean when they say Relationships has gone feral. You are making shit up and then using it to justify telling a woman her husband is evil.

It's totally fucking crazy. I'm laughing and then thinking, "shit, a real woman was subjected to this lunacy when she came looking for help."

Charbon · 25/03/2012 23:03

The police certainly didn't think it was a waste of their time and would have needed evidence of the threats in order to issue a warning. I'll take their judgement any day over that of an internet warrior who seems to be playing to the gallery and making fun of the OP rather than trying to help her........I don't think this is your finest hour Izzy Hmm

AnyFucker · 25/03/2012 23:04

"Relationships has gone feral"

really ?

A difference in approach is not "feral"

let Op be the judge of whether her thread, opposing opinions'n'all, has not been useful to her

let's not assume Op doesn't have the wit to take what's appropriate to her situation, and what is not

Charbon · 25/03/2012 23:10

I, for one, will be writing to my MP if it transpires that adulterous husbands can use the police to provide a free service to rid themselves of discarded ow should they prove to be not as compliant as their deceived wives.

That's just nasty and disrespectful to the OP. She's not 'compliant' - she's a woman whose life has been blown apart and she's trying to make sense of it. Let's show her some bloody respect.

skateboarder · 25/03/2012 23:12

Op, I really feel for you being in this situation. Please do not waste police time over this. Her being (possibly) pregnant is of no concern to them.
Your h is the one who needs to address this issue, as other people have pointed out, he is in the wrong and as bad as the ow with her announcement. He is not the victim, you are, and to a lesser degree so is the ow. (do you know exactly what he told her- did he lie to her too?)
Ow will be angry, your h has not fulfilled all his promises to her. The pregnancy may be her last shot as upsetting his life - she probably wont care too much about your happiness either so this annoucement will either make or break you and your marriage

I admire the fact you do not want to break up your home but please retain some self respect.

AThingInYourLife · 25/03/2012 23:20

Any - go back and read the last few posts by the OP as she got more and more upset and confused as izzy harangued her.

I've never seen, until this evening, what people were talking about when they said that Relationships had problems as a board.

This is not about "difference of approach" - this is about dogma being parrotted repeatedly at a vulnerable and sad woman looking for help.

I'm a fully paid up member of the "leave the bastard" brigade.

But Jesus Christ - we should at least make the effort to pay attention to the OP's posts and respond to the actual issue.

The OP wanted advice about what to do now (and she's had some good advice that varied, this isn't an easy one) and she's been given lectures about the blamelessness of the woman who fucked her husband and invented bullshit about the terrible things he must have done.

squeakytoy · 25/03/2012 23:25

AThing, you are inventing things yourself. The OW didnt say she was going to stalk the children, she apparently said she was going to wait outside the school.. presumably to facilitate a meeting with the person who had just dumped her, and was now avoiding her.

AnyFucker · 25/03/2012 23:25

AThing, I don't think disagreeing with one poster's approach means there is a problem with the whole board

it's ok to disagree strongly with someone on a thread, without dragging the whole board down

there has been enough of that recently

I presume OP is looking for varied opinions, and respects the fact that she won't always hear what she wants to hear, or else she wouldn't post here

AThingInYourLife · 25/03/2012 23:28

I don't "disagree with one posters approach", I am disgusted at the hectoring tone and grandstanding of someone I know is a stalwart of this board.

AnyFucker · 25/03/2012 23:29

I simply get a bit twitchy when a personal disagreement means the whole board is at fault

I have had run-ins with lots of people on here (elbows squeaky in the ribs Smile ), but never once blamed a whole cohort of people who use their own personal experience/mindset/thoughts on the matter to shed light on an issue

TheSecondComing · 25/03/2012 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.