Those of you who have married but kept your own surname...

[frogs]

...do you get hacked off by people who should know better addressing you by your dh surname?

I kept my own name, not to make a huge political-feminist point, nor because I am particularly attached to it, but simply because that is who I am and I saw no reason to change it. I have also built up a successful professional career which would have been adversely affected if I had suddenly changed identies. I felt that the 'one name for work, one name for home' solution was too confusing (eg. what name to have your passport in?), and last but not least, I don't particularly like my MIL and have no desire to have the same title/surname as her.

I don't object to people connected with my kids (eg schools) assuming that I am Mrs Dh, nor would I ever create a huge scene about it. But it does annoy me that MIL makes a point of addressing letters to us as 'Mr and Mrs DH', and refers to us as 'the dh family'.

Anyone else get this? What (if anything) do you do about it? Dh thinks I'm making a fuss about nothing, and picking on his Mum to boot, but then it's not his name that's at stake.

I usually address envelopes likes this:

Dr John Brown and Dr Susan Smith (if they have different surnames and both use Dr)

Drs John and Susan Brown (if both Dr & the same surname)

Mr John and Dr Susan Brown (if she uses Dr & same surname)

or just John and Susan Brown

or John Brown and Susan Smith

Have i been doing it wrong?

To answer the original question, i have not changed my name. Children have

Given name(s) + my surname + Dh surname

Sounds sensible to me Kristina.

Don't have a PhD but emboldened by this thread am considering insisting rellies who address cards to 'Mr and Mrs dhname' even though they KNOW perfectly well I kept my own name should actually address me as Ms myfirstname mysurname F.R.S.A. Just to be awkward. (I am allowed to use FRSA but never do).

Oh God Ellbell I've sent you numerous things in the post with "Mr & Mrs (!!!!!!!) DHname" on the envelope! Because I just didn't know what to do about the envelope addressing situation.. and I figured that despite the fact that you are both Dr. and have different surnames, you are indeed still Nr & Mrs! I know I have written jokey things on the back of env. about my dilemma.. but doesn't excuse my remiss-ness! Oooops! (Sorry)

I kept my name - in my family (Italian) women keep their maiden names. In fact in Italy it is illegal for a woman to use her married name on legal documents as it must match her birth certificate. They do have a way of sayiing what a woman's married name is though (too complicated to go into here). I never really thought that ds might not like having a different surname to me - I suppose as it was never an issue for me I didn't give it much thought.

As for getting annoyed when people call me dh's name - life is too short. I also tend to address envelopes with people's first names - partly because my handwriting is terrible and the less I handwrite the better as far as I am concerend and partly because I don't always know what people do about their surnames. I figure there are so many variations nowadays that whatever you do you will upset someone so I do what suits me and then think about something more important.

I have a habit of stopping those conversations with banks and marketing companies dead in their tracks when they ask 'Is that Miss or Mrs?' I either say 'Why? I thought it was illegal to discriminate on the grounds of marital status, or are we still living in the dark ages. Would you ask a man that?' And so on and so on until I beat them into cowering submission.

In NZ the default is Ms unless stated otherwise. I was gobsmacked that my bank insisted on putting Miss on my account when I first arrived here. If I'm not given the option for Ms I usually leave the title field bland. Amusingly it usually seems to default to Mr in these cases.

I use my own name because
a) it is the one all my qualifications are in.
b) It is who I am
c) I am not my husband's posession.
d) I gave him the option of changing his name to mine and he declined. So I don't see why I should change mine.

More power to your elbow, slug!

Can't believe this is still going!

I kept my name when I got married partly for feminisit reason but mostly becasue I was 37 when i got married, my name, which is highly unusual, is part of who I am - and why should I give it up.

Now that ds is at school I am just about accepting that in some circumstances I am Mrs "dh's name" - which I see more as acknowledging my relationship to ds.

It does piss me off when close relatives - who know that I have kept my name - send stuff addressed to me us as Mr & Mrs Dh's name. It can also potentially casue probelms if the Royal Mail attempt to deliver a parcel, as if I have to go and pick it up, I have no identification as Mrs Dh's name.

It did really piss me off when my best friend sent me a parcel addressed that way - espcailly as she has also kept her name (a similar stupid foreign name)!

I always make a point of sending wee address stcikers on Christmas cards with both our names on them. Some people have got the hint, but other still send them to Mr & Mrs Dh's name. I do try to rise above it - but it deos niggle slightly.

I do have fun when cold callers (not may of them, as we are on TPS) ask to speak to Mrs Dh's name. I say, "No they can't but you can speak to Mr dh's wife". (and then I berate them for calling us when we are on TPS! )

Ds is comfortable with the fact that "Mummy has a different name" - even if he can't quite pronounce it yet!

I've never bothered what title is used - I prefer to use none (what relevance is it?). If pushed will use Ms, but will answer to Miss, Ms, Mrs and Mr - as my name is Germanic and my shortened first name could be a Germanic male name, I can't really complain. I don't mind Mrs on the basis that on Europe women (as opposed to girls) would be called Mme or whatever regardless of whether they were married - so why can't we do the same here.

I istill remember when I was in my first job as a pretty () graduate recruit and a colleague was organising business cards. I didn't want a title put on it (men don't ususally put down Mr so and so, so why should I?) and he complained that people wouldn't know what sex I was. My boss told him that as you tended to hand out business cards, if they hadn't worked out what sex I was, they had bigger prblems!

On CVs, I did always make sure to put down my Nationality (Scottish), but didn't make it clear I was a female. Not relevant!

I changed my name when we were married 7 years ago and haven't looked back. At the time, as I was first in my peer group to get hitched at the tender age of 25 and all my female friends were fascinated about whether I would or wouldn't change. (Subsequently they all have, except the few who are self employed and their name is their brand)

My name issues are similar to prettybird as I use a shortened first name that is assumed to be male and use it in all aspects of life (expect oddly during labour when I just couldn't be bothered to argue with them....)

I never suggested children might be upset that their mother had a different name, just that I personally like having the same name as my children and wondered if that had figured in anyone else's decision. I would have found it very hard to change my name on marriage if I had not a slightly public career in which to use my own name. I would find it very wierd just to 'disappear' which is what it would have felt like to me. And I personally (no wish to offend!) like having my dual public/private, home/career identities.

I got married a very long time before I had children, so it wasn't really a consideration back then.

I sometimes wish I had insisted that the children have my name, though. Just because I like it better than DH's.

Oddly enough my dh and I had quite similar names, quite boring, very English, fairly short. I think giving up a beautiful or unusual name must be very hard.

Mine and DH's are both very dull, six letter surnames of Scottish derivation. But sadly his now makes me think of his birth family...

My user name is an approximate translation of my name - so I am quite fond of it (even if perhpas my brother doesn't tell people what it means!). I had also got use to being "First Name, Last-Name-I'll-spell-it-for-you"!"

I am a wee bit sad that ds doesn't have it - too "strange" to incorporate in any way. And as it looks like my brother isn't goin gto get his act together, it looks like this "branch" of my family, with a name we can trace back to 1533, will cease to be.

That is sad, prettybird.

I didn't change my name because I couldn't think of a good reason why I should, but also because dh uses two different surnames (long and complicated story that's just too boring to tell). I'm quite relaxed about being called any name though, and dh doesn't mind too much if people call him Mr Bran.

One of my aunts makes me laugh though as she thinks I should have changed my name but can never remember either of dh's surnames and so introduces me as Bran I-can't-remember-your-surname. She looks such a fool when I (very gently) say it's Bran-surname just as it has been for the past 3 (ish) decades.

I've never changed my name, DS has both our names--and nobody has ever batted an eyelid. I've been using Ms since I first discovered it, about 25 years ago, and I still get asked 'Miss or Mrs?' quite a bit. But I always set them straight!

When I was pregnant with dd1 13 years ago in Bromley their computer only did Mrs or Miss - "we don't have a Ms option on here".

My DS's teacher recently got married & he changed his surname.Slightly unusual.It was a bit confusing for us parents though as we weren't offically told by the school/teacher! So for a couple of days we actually assumed he was a brand new teacher. (Surprised the teacher didn't just send a quick note home with his pupils to explain) and actually think I'll keep addressing him by his 'maiden' name just to annoy him for not bothering to tell us!

Of course the reason I tell people I didn't change my name is that my married name is such a porn name

i changed my name after 2 years of marriage, because i was having a baby and wanted all of us to be a 'family'.

i think in this day with so many non-married parents, its nice to have the same name - its a commitment, that says (imho) we are a unit.

(anyway - we couldn't double-barrel, it would have been a triple-barrel cos i had a db)

I kept my maiden name at the request of dh (I've chosen you for being you and that includes your name - if you take mine then you'll be part of my family rather than us). However, once ds1 was born I changed everything to make life easier. Don't think mil was ever aware I retained my maiden name and I didn't fuss at her referring to me as that as I didn't want to offend; water off a duck's back. Still use maiden name at work as they have just about learned to spell it (afetr how many years?) and really wouldn't cope with my married one!

dh took my name when we married 5 years ago!. He saw no diffrence to a women changing her name. We know now how unusual it is but it seemed the most practical. I didn't like his surname with my first name but we both wanted the same name as a family, so he suggested changing his name. db would make his full name too long (he has 3 middle names). His aunt still sent cards to mr and mrs his surname but we just ignored her, the rest of his family didn't care, only the tax office did a search on him and he had to fill in a few forms to check it wasn't for tax reasons. baby was given our name as will the future ones and now very few people even know his maiden name.Its up to each couple to choose whats best for them but we certainly would suggest it as an option.

I kept my name as I used it professionally, but also because DH's surname has to be spelt out EVERY TIME! Also I've become kind od f fond of my own name.
Funny - as a child I could NOT WAIT to change my name ( thought it was too common). Now I think it's quite cool.
Sometimes I will say I am Mrs ....... if i can't be bothered with the whole two names thing, but actually what tends to happen is that hubby gets caled Mr [my name] which I find most amusing - or more often than not, we are double-barrelled by people as our kids have both our names. Yes - very confusing - especially on holiday.

I changed my name when I got married to DH's surname and did think about it all quite long and hard. I do think it is such a personal thing, but for me it was important that if we were going to bother getting married then why not make a symbolic gesture to that end, and it made sense to me, and it felt important to mark the whole event by making some sort of change . It is a bit crap that tradition dictates that its the husband's name that is usually chosen, but for me (personally obviously) it seemed a bit precious to insist on keeping my name or making a new name in order to keep some kind of feminist credentials intact (admittedly I did not have the whole Phd etc thing to be concerned with) It made my DH very happy that I took his name and to me it felt like the ultimate gift I could give him (yeah yeah, put your sick bags away!)
Of course I do like his surname and it may have been different if I didn't. Both my sisters have changed their name too (one also has the Dr. problem and uses both I think) so our name is going to die out unfortunately, in my heart I will always be a , but the future is my own family and I'm very glad that we all have the same name.
I do appreciate that life is much more complicated name wise for many people than it is for me, but the suggestion that one should keep one's name for feminist reasons is slightly irksome.As other people have pointed out, a surname is pretty cosmetic in the larger scheme of things, and surely one's feminist ideals cut a lot deeper than that. Its also about one's relationship with one's partner and personally between DH and myself, it seemed a bit mean not to take his name......