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Original poster

Those of you who have married but kept your own surname...

140 replies

frogs · 03/02/2006 15:17

...do you get hacked off by people who should know better addressing you by your dh surname?

I kept my own name, not to make a huge political-feminist point, nor because I am particularly attached to it, but simply because that is who I am and I saw no reason to change it. I have also built up a successful professional career which would have been adversely affected if I had suddenly changed identies. I felt that the 'one name for work, one name for home' solution was too confusing (eg. what name to have your passport in?), and last but not least, I don't particularly like my MIL and have no desire to have the same title/surname as her.

I don't object to people connected with my kids (eg schools) assuming that I am Mrs Dh, nor would I ever create a huge scene about it. But it does annoy me that MIL makes a point of addressing letters to us as 'Mr and Mrs DH', and refers to us as 'the dh family'.

Anyone else get this? What (if anything) do you do about it? Dh thinks I'm making a fuss about nothing, and picking on his Mum to boot, but then it's not his name that's at stake.

OP posts:
Hattie05 · 03/02/2006 21:32

You think you've got troubles.

Dp and i don't want to marry, but are happily together - have been for 10 years and intend to be forever more. But i am Miss x and he is Mr y.

But everyone will automatically call me Mrs Y, and when i correct them they look embarrassed and probably all assume i'm a single Mum or that dp isn't the father of dd.
TBH people making the wrong assumption doesn't bother me so much, but i feel like i'm a fraud if i don't correct them, and then its their reaction that bothers me!

dizzy34 · 03/02/2006 21:52

me and my dh had the same surname which was fab, cos i just went from miss to ms and the kids who are not dhs have the same name

moondog · 03/02/2006 22:04

I send stuff back if it comes to me in dh's name.
Also,if people ask me whether I am Miss,Ms or Mrs,I say in what I hope is a jocular fashion

'And do you ask men whether they are master or Mister?'

This is usually met by a loooooong silence.

Our children share our last names although in this part of Wales,a great many people are known as their first and second names,not their last names anyway.

OldieMum · 03/02/2006 22:09

I have kept my name, because I am a feminist. The only people who use DH's name when writing to me are some of my extended family. They all know I have a PhD, but some still write 'Dr and Mrs {DH's initial) DH's name' on cards to us. I find it offensive, but can't think of a nice, friendly way to signal that I don't like it. Any suggestions?

Meanoldmummy · 03/02/2006 22:14

Be blunt. For most of them you'll only have to say it once...and for those who don't take any notice the first time, they've got skin like rhino hide, so you won't have hurt their feelings!!

LeahE · 03/02/2006 22:15

OldieMum - I have considered addressing all the mail I send them to (say) "Arabella Ffortescue-Smythe-Ponsonby" (obviously would need to bear enough relation to their real name that the mail wouldn't get turned away at the door - so that would work for Arabella Ponsonby, for example) until further notice and just waiting for that to be questioned before saying innocently "But I thought we were playing at sending mail to made-up names...?"

Haven't had the nerve yet, though. And I suspect it may be overeacting a tad. Feel free to nick the idea...

Aloha · 03/02/2006 22:15

I kept my name for work, but really, really wanted the same name as my children so use my married name in all private matters and actually it doesn't bother me a bit, though I would have been very sorry to lose my 'brand name'. I'm curious as to how others feel about having a different name to your children, if you do. Frankly I feel much closer and more indentified with the family I chose and made than the family I was born into.

OldieMum · 03/02/2006 22:20

DD has DH's name. I would have considered a double-barrelled name, but DH's name is Irish and complicated and it didn't seem fair to make it even more complicated. It doesn't bother me that we have different surnames. I got to choose her first name - one that is mine and my mother's second name and my grandmother's first name, so that makes me feel very close to her, namewise. She also has 5 step-siblings, all of whom have DH's name [though they are not his biological children - it's a long story]. We all liked the idea of her sharing a name with them.

Original poster
frogs · 03/02/2006 22:25

I did think about how I'd feel having a different name to my children, but that was outweighed by how I felt about my own name. I didn't have the world's most idyllic childhood -- not quite on the level of some of the stories on Meanoldmummy's other thread, but heading in that direction. So I didn't particularly want to pass my name onto my children, but felt quite strongly that I had reclaimed my own name for myself in coming to terms with my childhood, and didn't want to give that up.

It has very occasionally been a problem at immigration when I've travelled abroad with the children without dh being there, and officials have questioned my connection with the children (despite the fact that dd1 in particular looks like a small clone of me!). So I've taken to carrying the birth certificates with me (the long ones) just to make it clear I am their mother. Apart from that, it doesn't bother me to have a different name from the children. Funnily enough, dd1 has already declared that she will never change her surname if she gets married.

OP posts:
LeahE · 03/02/2006 22:25

I don't mind having a different name from DS (when I opted not to change my name when we got married, I did vaguely wonder if it would bother me when we eventually had children, and am relieved to find it doesn't seem an issue to me).

I also feel much closer and more indentified with the family I chose and made than the family I was born into, but I haven't kept my own name because it has ties to the family I was born into -- I've kept it because it's mine, and I feel extremely close and identified with myself .

More seriously, how I feel about my family is how I feel an internal thing and I don't feel the need of a matching set of labels to proclaim it to the world. It's none of the world's business, frankly (not knocking anyone who does find it important to have the same name -- there are emotional issues here that are different for all of us).

We might have double-barrelled our names for DS if they'd worked together, though, but they just don't.

Meanoldmummy · 03/02/2006 22:33

I was pleased to take my husband's name, but a bit sad to lose my own name. I was pretty much forced to take my stepdad's name when I was growing up - they filled in the form for my national insurance card in his name, and gave it to my schools and doctors, and all that sort of thing - my "real" name was a sort of precious secret and I only started using it openly very shortly before I got married. So I was a bit sorry to see it go But marrying my husband and forming our own future with our own family felt much more important - the new name represented a clean slate. It was so nice to know that I would never have to face any more "awkwardness" from either side about which surname I was using!! When I see our surname on anything belonging to my children I always get a little glow of pleasure (soppy I know!)

Frizbetheexpansionset · 03/02/2006 22:48

I changed my name, due to getting extremely hacked off on flights, the ammt of times airlines have not seated me with dh and the kids, even tho we've booked and checked in together, and we've had to re arrange ourselves on the plane....just because I kept a different surname even tho on many an occasion I've been explaining to check in staff that I MUST sit with the youngest child, blah, blah, blah.......creates a mare for the poor hostesses....especially when they had at one point an 18mth old on her own on one internal US flight.....

Tommy · 03/02/2006 23:00

I also find that people tend to get really twitchy as to how to address envelopes - it's not as if they're writing to us every day is it? One or twice a year - it's not really that big a deal is it?! I always say "You can put what you like on an enevlope caise if it comes to this house - I'll open it anyway"
My MIL got really worried when I was in labour with DS1 and she phoned the hospital asked how I (i.e. Tommy DH-name) was doing - only to discover that they didn't have anyone of that name there! She knows I haven't changed my name but I think she thinks I have really but just pretend I haven't to be awkward or something....

Also agree with gizmo - I'm not Mrs myname - I'd be marrued to my dad if that was the case!

Gem13 · 03/02/2006 23:08

I get cross too. What bugs me as well is when people can't be arsed to write both our names out so we end up getting envelopes addressed to 'Jane and John' rather than 'Jane Brown and John Smith'.

So many people don't understand though. Estate agents/insurance companies seem to be the worst. If I talk about my husband but say that I've kept my name, I then get addressed as 'Mrs mysurname'. No,I'mn not married to my dad, I'm 'Miss/Ms XXXX'.

Weirdly, my in-laws are fine about it (or say they say!) but my mother finds it peculiar. Even weirder is that she has said that she thinks of herself as 'Jane maiden name' for the 51 years she has had two other surnames. That makes me feel rather sad.

tamum · 03/02/2006 23:10

I do the same as Aloha, but am constantly irritated by the same problem as Oldiemum of Prof and Mrs or Dr and Mrs. Mr and Mrs I could handle, but let's be fair...

moondog · 03/02/2006 23:12

That's weird frizbe.
We travel loads (two adults two kids and actually there are three different names,mine his and the childrens double barrelled,but never have problems.)

Aloha · 03/02/2006 23:12

Blimey Gem, you can't win! I often put first names only as I have no idea how to address people, and now that's wrong too!

hermykne · 03/02/2006 23:14

frogs i liked keeping my own name but after 5yrs of marraige i decided my maiden name was too long to write and wnet with dh's for speed when shopping and 2 kids in toe! honestly

Original poster
frogs · 03/02/2006 23:22

Tamum, I once had a wonderfully surreal conversation with someone from BUPA (which I had in my work name and title through my then employer). I'd phoned up to discuss getting a consultation for dd1, and then received a letter addressed to me (as the policyholder) along the lines of , "Dear Dr Frogs. Thank you for your wife's telephone call regarding your daughter..."

I phoned them back to point out that, to the best of my knowledge, I didn't have a wife, but fear that my sarcasm may have been wasted on them. Sigh.

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 03/02/2006 23:46

A clinic ds1 was attending once rang my work no. asking for Mrs dh. My boss spent a long time telling them that no such person was in her employ before she realised it was me! Even though I kept telling the same clinic that I used my maiden name, they did it several times after that as well.
MIL has made such a big deal of my keeping my maiden name and makes such an issue of it that neither myself nor BIL's wife will ever, ever change our names as long as she is alive.

Blondeinlondon · 03/02/2006 23:58

Gem - I get cross too.I can't be arsed to write both our names out so people get envelopes addressed to the Smith family

One name for work, one name for home I can cope with but the rest is just a pain

mousie · 04/02/2006 08:35

totally with you frogs

Pruni · 04/02/2006 08:51

Message withdrawn

Pruni · 04/02/2006 09:02

Message withdrawn

tamum · 04/02/2006 09:26

If only, Pruni. They know perfectly well in my case...

God, frogs, that's truly awful . I once said doctor (in the spirit of ner ner ne ner ner) to a snotty male travel agent who asked me "Miss or Mrs" and he said "I meant your name, not your father's". I was very nearly speechless, but not quite.....