Those of you who have married but kept your own surname...

[frogs]

...do you get hacked off by people who should know better addressing you by your dh surname?

I kept my own name, not to make a huge political-feminist point, nor because I am particularly attached to it, but simply because that is who I am and I saw no reason to change it. I have also built up a successful professional career which would have been adversely affected if I had suddenly changed identies. I felt that the 'one name for work, one name for home' solution was too confusing (eg. what name to have your passport in?), and last but not least, I don't particularly like my MIL and have no desire to have the same title/surname as her.

I don't object to people connected with my kids (eg schools) assuming that I am Mrs Dh, nor would I ever create a huge scene about it. But it does annoy me that MIL makes a point of addressing letters to us as 'Mr and Mrs DH', and refers to us as 'the dh family'.

Anyone else get this? What (if anything) do you do about it? Dh thinks I'm making a fuss about nothing, and picking on his Mum to boot, but then it's not his name that's at stake.

I felt very possessive of my surname when I married, and the only person who supported me in keeping my maiden name (except for dh who didn't really mind) was my mil.

I am now Mrs. dh to people connected with the children, and my maiden name for business and everything else.

People always ask is it Miss, Mrs or Ms., and I just say it really doesn't matter - whichever they choose.

If I am uncertain about addressing cards etc., I always write to 'The xxxxx-xxxxx family'.

Some people just send things to us addressed to both surnames - even though we're not actually double-barrelled - that seems to work quite well.

I think DH rather wishes he'd changed his surname to mine, as he has comprehensively fallen out with all his birth family. And that's another reason why I'm very glad I didn't change my name in the first place.

Frogs - do your children have your surname as any part of their names, iyswim? Mine is also a boy's name, so they all have it as an extra middle name, so if they ever want to use it in future they can.

jura I have no idea !

most PhD's I know (and I know a lot) are not fussed if people use their title or not. I guess to fit us then Dr DH and Dr Me would be right because that is how we use the titles (but normally only in a work situation and then usually independently). I guess I would not object too much to Dr and Dr DH by those people who don't know I use my own name. Mr and Mrs I can cope with, I prefer just names with no titles.

I am not sure how it works if you get your PhD and then get married - using Dr Married Name feels odd (which is pretty much why I don't).

I suppose the generational thing is the key - older people set much more store about using titles.

But who cares what someone else thinks? I'm not taking offence - I don't care if someone thinks I'm a housewife (I'm a SAHM and have a freelance career as well so I can put either really). They can think what they want.

actually I generally use my married name for things to do with the kids - but sometimes forget. The school got confused and asked me how they should address me and I said - whatever you prefer - I will answer to anything

Dinosaur we have that too - the kids are Name Name My surname DH surname - not double barrelled - but oddly my name often gets missed out on official documents - which I do find irritating - I mean it is their name after all - it should be included if they are going to bother with second names on documents then they should have second and third names.

GDG, plenty of people
a) don't like the term housewife since they didn't marry a house and
b) Prefer Ms to Mrs or Miss
I'm one of them in case you hadn't guessed.

I don't mind too much when called by his surname (I use my maiden name and his double barrelled as makes me sound most impressive) BUT cannot bear being called 'Mrs DHFirstName DHLastName'. my in laws do it, can't stand it

jura think it is 'Doctors A and B Whatever' if they have the same name. if not the same then I guess Dr A Whatever and Dr B thingymajig

dh kept his surname and I have a double barrel - didn't want to keep my name entirely because of bad associations, but didn't want to be 'swallowed up' by just dh's name. Members of his family always write to me as Mrs [dh's surname]', and to us all as 'family [dh's surname]'. Plus I am almost always referred to by dh's surname by doctors' receptionists etc. although they know perfectly well what my bldy name is. dh once even received a dental bill for my treatment on my insurance. It does make me go grrrr, in fact.

i keptmy surname. the only person to call me mrs dhsname, was my mother.

even the raf [not known for their forward thinking] has always called me ms myname

It actually bugs me more with people who (a) couldn't be bothered to read the note we put in with our wedding invitations and (b) haven't noticed, in the intervening period, that I am using my own name and not DH's. I almost wouldn't mind if I thought they were making a point, but this just seems thoughtless - almost like misspelling someone's name because you've never taken the time to notice how they spell it. It's not a major grievance, but the cumulative effect of the constant drip-drip-drip of "Mrs DHname" starts to get to me every so often.

It does get very annoying when someone sends me a cheque made payable to "Leah DHname" because I can't pay the rotten thing in anywhere ("Leah DHname" not actually existing, let alone having her own bank account).

I think that in formal etiquette terms you should only use "Dr" in a social setting if you're a medical doctor.

Yes, I do get annoyed by it. Mainly elderly relatives. But Mr & Mrs dh Christian name surname is even worse.
I like my surname. I am NOT Mrs dh and anyone who doesn't like that can bog off. Handy for instantly idenfying telesales people who call you at home too - anyone who asks for Mrs dh obviously doesn't actually know us.

Addressing cards to friends where she has a Phd and he doesn't is easy - Dr x and Mr x. One rule of formal ettiquette that has lodged in my brain is that social invitations should be addressed to the woman, apparently (although presumably the ettiquette books would call her Mrs his first initial his surname anyway).

I remember reading a poem in a magazine when I was about 14 (in the late 70's), goes something like

When you call me Miss or Mrs
You invade my private life
For it is not the public's business
Whether I am, or was, a wife

It stuck in my mind. My passport gives my name as "first name, maiden name, dh name", ie I took my maiden name as a 'middle' name. I used my maiden name until my first born was about 1 and it started to get complicated, now I mainly use dhname but still retain maiden name for tax, employment and the odd bank account (legal as long as not intending to deceive).

DSs have my maiden name as a middle name too.

Ah but Leah most medical doctors aren't actually doctors as such (don't have MDs just MBBS) - it's just a courtesy term. So I'd rather address PhDs as doctor, at least they've actually done the work.

Slightly off topic, but I used to work in Iceland (country not freezer store!) and they have the system of patronymics (sorry, my spelling is probably right off). So the son of a man called John would aquire the surname Johnsson and a daughter's surname would be Johnsdottir. Apparently this used to cause all sorts of consternation when booking hotels in UK/US as the entire family would have different surnames (wife would not change on marriage) -some places even refused to let them share a room 'cause they were obviously not married.

My DW did change her name, but chiefly because it was not a good name for a teacher!

I also have a PhD but rarely use the Dr - so many people think I'm a medic. Also as most medics get paid a lot, it's also an open invitation to people to inflate bills.... (Sadly I don't get paid anywhere near a medic's salary ).

Wales used to have a similar system, which is why Welsh male first names are surnames too (Evan, Lloyd, etc. etc.). Don't think they ever used anything like dottir, though.

would be interesting on a plane if they said 'is there a doctor on board'... do you ask them if there's anything a marine biologist/medieval historian/whatever can do to help?

I'm just a medical doctor so just have a medical degree rather than working hard enought for a PhD. I use my maiden name professionally & married name for everything else including passports. I like to be a doctor at work and walk out and become a "normal person" IYSWIM.
Dd has DH's surname only.

Get every combination under the sun at Xmas - DH also a doctor but has surgical exams so is technically a "Mr" which just makes us Mr & Mrs DHsurname but nobody seems to get it...

Don't earn loads either .

I didn't change my name much to h's disappointment at the time... we are now separated and I am so glad I didn't take his name.

People always assume I am Mrs DH which does indeed drive me irrationally insane (and did even when we were happily married). Ds & dd have double barrelled names which MIL disapproved of but interestingly has started referring to me as Mrs doubled-barrelled name!

Not sure if there is an answer. I am a Ms and people often seem embarressed by this and my bank has never got to grips with it (despite rnumerous phonecalls and written requests).

Am glad that this thread has highlighted the fact that I am not the freak that people would lead me to believe

Ah but Leah most medical doctors aren't actually doctors as such (don't have MDs just MBBS) - it's just a courtesy term. So I'd rather address PhDs as doctor, at least they've actually done the work.

Heck, I don't care - not my rule, and I often address PhDs as Dr. Your post should start "Ah but Debrett's" or "Ah but Miss Manners" or something. And probably not be directed at me . It's the same kind of formal etiquette that dictates that married or widowed women should always be Mrs Hisfirstname Hislastname and only get their own first name when they divorce -- i.e. not actually what most people want, and not actually what most people do.

I wanted to maintain my maiden name when we got married but I've found it increasingly confusing when we had children and medical/school/admin papers are in all our names but mine.
I also have a PhD which was awarded when I was single and was most upset when my dad who had previously addressed me on envelopes as Dr in my maiden name decided as a married women I was Mrs. I think (which is probably of no interest except to those who have Phd.s) it does feel a bit as if dh's are getting a bit of the credit for our hard work when the name we were awarded a PhD in suddenly changes.

yes, I do get hacked off. But then my mates who HAVE changed their name probably get hacked off by my addressing envelopes with 'ms maidenname' as I automatically assume no one would want to change their name.

thank god for email, all post is pretty much junk mail now...