DH has just called me a moron, why?

[chipping]

I have 4DCs. My relationship with DH has gone down hill since the birth of DC4 12 months ago (EMCS).

DH's hearing isn't 100%, often I will say things & he mishears. There is also a history of dyslexia on DH's side, which I feel may contribute to many misunderstandings between us. He swears that I have said things which I haven't, for example - my friends child his very hyperactive, DH had interpreted that as my friends child is on drugs, my cousin recently got divorced, this was interpreted as my cousin is a paedophile (!).

It sounds mad, but this is how it is.

I have tried to talk to DH, explaining that I think the problems we have in our relationship are in part due to misundestandings we have in communicating. he has said that it is me that has the problem in communicating , that no one understands what i say (I am black, but born & brought up in the UK, I have a lancashire accent, DH is from the south).

Today, after another misunderstanding I tried to talk to DH. I explained how I felt after the birth of DS. I was on my own for a long time with the DCs, he went on holiday. I was very resentful.

DH laughed and called me a moron - as though he didn't believe what i was saying.

I have had councelling. My councellor has said that she thinks that Dh is emotionally abusive. I told DH this, he has told me that everyone now thinks that I am mad.

DH isn't the person I married.

I would appreciate some advice.

let's say he's right, and you have a problem communicating with him, and it has nothing to do with you. (i don't believe this, but let's pretend for now.)

if he wasn't a twunt, he would be doing everything in his power to help you communicate better. he would be sympathetic and helpful towards you, offering suggestions for improving things etc.

instead, he calls you a moron, calls you insane, etc. etc.

even in the best case scenario (i.e. that your H is right, and you are the one with the problem), he is still emotionally abusive. he sounds absolutely horrible tbh.

you need to get out. your counsellor is right. i'm sorry.

i would continue with counselling, and start planning an escape route.

sorry my first line should end "....and it has nothing to do with him".

... Because he is one.

Does he drink or take drugs? Because that sounds like seriously bizarre behaviour.

Do you have any family or friends to support you? I don't see how you can stay with someone who acts so cruellly toward you.

He is gaslighting you, isn't he? Saying you have said things you haven't and making out that things that happened in the past didn't happen like that or didn't happen at all? I know quite a few people with dyslexia and while it may contribute to disorganisation and mix-ups with arrangements, for some people, it doesn't tend to make them callous or unpleasant. In fact, a lot of people with dyslexia have a problem with short term recall but not long term memory. Don't give him too many excuses for his behaviour, okay? Also, a hearing problem doesn't give him the right to call you a moron.

It also sounds like he is judgemental of others and tends to think the worst of them, exaggerating stories, but this could just be from the two examples you gave in your post.

You don't sound like a moron to me, but he sounds very unpleasant and hard work to be around.

Plus, he went on holiday after you had just had a baby, and thinks this is okay behaviour? And he mocks the way you talk? Nice.

Plus I bet everyone doesn't think you're mad.

He was kind when I first met him, maybe that was just an act. I have to put the Dcs first.

I'm trying to work out what I have done.

I have recently started an exercise class, also started learning spanish (I have bought & sold things on ebay to pay for this) catching up with old friends - basically being the person I was before the DCs, so in that sense I'm happier than I have ever been.

openerofjars - that's it - he is hard work, so much so, it is very draining, spending time with him is exhausting.

another example of his behaviour - once a week he does the school run for 1DC. I get everything ready - lunch, games kit, reader, homework, shoes & coat are by the front door. DH then goes around the house picking up random things asking if he needs to take it - this has gone on for 5 years now, every week the same thing. every week i explain that it is all ready, by the front door. They are always late - DH has to check for emails & have a coffee before going.

it's mad.

Me I'm dyslexic. . . I can't read maps, and I have to think which is my left and which is my right. I was tested and diagnosised when I was 13 (which is why I,m slow to reply to threads as I used to type my reply in word for spell check; I love my iPad )

Anyway, confusing hyperactive with being a drug user and divorced with pedophile is no typical of the disorder. Nor is calling you a moron. Thats typical of being a dickhead.

And since when does being subjected to EA make you mad? Angry yes but you mad?

Ah ha so you have been doing things for you!

How dare you!

Didn't you know you should be sat at home like the perfect stepford wife waiting to serve your man, not off learning things? being happy how dare you?

He's an ARSE!!!!!

You don't need to try and work out what you have done wrong because it is him and not you.

How did his holiday manage to happen?

I'm doing an MA on literacy difficulties at the moment, just let me go and check my notes...

...nope, he is being a twat, not dyslexic.

smells - DH also can't read maps, gets L & R mixed up, I did suggest dyslexia but he got angry & said he wasn't thick .

i'm trying to find reasons for his behaviour

you now know the reason: he's a twat.
he probably likes being cruel because it helps him blow off steam. unfortunately there are an awful lot of people who are like this, and the word for them is "twat"

Actually it can be linked with high intelligence

Reasons for his behaviour: he's an Arse.

He went on holiday when you had a new born?
He can't take your DC to school on time one morning a week even when you have sorted it all out, and feels the need to undermine you at the same time?

Laughs at you when you talk about your feelings?

ARSE

I don't think the dyslexia is any reason for him being a dick.

You are making excuses for him, but he's just being a dick.

On the plus side, you sound quite 'ok' in yourself. Quite sure of yourself, you can see what is happening clearly and you are not letting him drag you down. So often when people post here, the partner has undermined them so much they are questioning everything you do.

It doesn't sound like you have 'done' anything, apart from try to make your relationship with him work, despite no contribution from him, as far as I can see from your OP.

I used to do everything for everyone - inc DH. but I have now started to do things for me, I still do all the house cleaning, car cleaning, diy, bill paying etc. but I am now making a life for myself, which has been met with lots of anger from DH. he has told the DCs I am very unhelpful.

well it's all falling into place now. he's pissed off because you don't live your life at his beck and call anymore. which is why he's behaving like a complete fucknut.

you really need to start thinking about leaving this situation i think OP... he sounds a nasty piece of work for sure

Thanks for all the PM's people :) but this is not ME :)

Oh wow, now he's undermining you to the kids. Excellent.

Do you think you could bear to leave him, because he is nasty, and not in a good way.

chipping - you have had a lot of good advice, I hope you manage to get it sorted out x

Dyslexia has nothing to do with him being an arse. He's just an arse.

Incidentally, do you or he have "problems" communicating with other people? No? So he's doing it on purpose then.

I'm another one thinking this has nothing to do with dyslexia - dyslexia runs in my family and my mum work with dyslexics, and I've never heard of this being anything to do with it.

It sounds really out of line for him to tell your children you are being 'unhelpful'. To use a MN cliche (but an appropriate one), it's passive-aggressive. What are the children meant to do with that opinion?

Is it possible for you to sit him down and explain why you are starting to do things for yourself and to do less work for your (now, I assume, less dependent) family?

Don't normally come on relationships, but read this one, and my DH is severely dyslexic and he doesn't do any of the things you describe, dyslexia doesn't mean being thick either, far from it, I think he sounds just very odd.

Btw ... reading your posts - you do not have a problem communicating on here. Now I get that some people communicate better in writing, but unless there is a really huge difference between the way you communicate with him and the way you write with us, I think he is mistaken to say you have a communication issue.