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Relationships

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Original poster

DH has just called me a moron, why?

80 replies

chipping · 24/03/2012 20:19

I have 4DCs. My relationship with DH has gone down hill since the birth of DC4 12 months ago (EMCS).

DH's hearing isn't 100%, often I will say things & he mishears. There is also a history of dyslexia on DH's side, which I feel may contribute to many misunderstandings between us. He swears that I have said things which I haven't, for example - my friends child his very hyperactive, DH had interpreted that as my friends child is on drugs, my cousin recently got divorced, this was interpreted as my cousin is a paedophile (!).

It sounds mad, but this is how it is.

I have tried to talk to DH, explaining that I think the problems we have in our relationship are in part due to misundestandings we have in communicating. he has said that it is me that has the problem in communicating , that no one understands what i say (I am black, but born & brought up in the UK, I have a lancashire accent, DH is from the south).

Today, after another misunderstanding I tried to talk to DH. I explained how I felt after the birth of DS. I was on my own for a long time with the DCs, he went on holiday. I was very resentful.

DH laughed and called me a moron - as though he didn't believe what i was saying.

I have had councelling. My councellor has said that she thinks that Dh is emotionally abusive. I told DH this, he has told me that everyone now thinks that I am mad.

DH isn't the person I married.

I would appreciate some advice.

OP posts:

LittlebearH · 24/03/2012 23:53

Err because in every other way he is great, a good dad, works hard I love him. We row rarely but when we do he explodes. Has always had a temper that I always put down as childish. He has ripped 3 hands free kits apart in temper becuse they got tangled up. He calms down as quickly as he explodes, I just hate the way he is so agressive and disrespectful. I am no doormat but not sure how to make him take his behaviour seriously and not blame me.

DoomCatsofCognitiveDissonance · 25/03/2012 00:03

I know every situation is different, but I mention this in case it helps - in my experience, a dad who is angry towards his partner is not good for children. I remember my parents being furious with each other, getting physically dramatic ... it's terrifying. No-one should feel they need to suffer that from their partner for the sake of the children. You're more important than that: you deserve not to get 'exploded' at, and your children deserve not to see it.

oikopolis · 25/03/2012 00:08

a relationship in which arguing has been made impossible due to the temper of one of the partners is not a relationship that should continue.

also, if you can't teach your children how to deal with conflict healthily, you aren't a good Dad (or Mum)

LittlebearH · 25/03/2012 00:09

Doomcats, you are right, when DP argue i do not raise my voice and I hold in my real feelings, but DP cant and he has kicked off in front of DD because he has no self control. In all other ways he is fab but it is his temper and I am fully aware of how damaging it will be to DD to see this but I cannot get through to him.

LittlebearH · 25/03/2012 00:11

Sorry I have probably hijacked this thread a bit.

DoomCatsofCognitiveDissonance · 25/03/2012 00:13

You don't have to get through to him. It's not your job. I can just imagine how stressful this is for you - it is really hard to cope with this stuff from people we love. But honestly, I promise you - it's not you not 'getting through', it is him making his choices.

He needs to realize that and decide what to do. But you don't need to feel responsible for any other adult than yourself - that's my view anyway.

LittlebearH · 25/03/2012 00:21

TBH if this was an early days relationship with no children I would just say go to hell. I have always been able to stand on my own two feet without a man. But...we have been together 7 years and have an amazing DD. We both have divorced parents and I think that people give up too easily in realtionships but staying together for the sake of the kids is damaging. I want us to work it out but he has little empathy is very laid back and does not take this seriously. He is so child like in his behaviour. If I say you did x he will say yeah but you do Y etc. Generally things are good but I hate the fact I keep things buried for the fear of a row and then feel resentful towards him. I know it is damaging.

DoomCatsofCognitiveDissonance · 25/03/2012 00:29

I get that - I know exactly what you mean about, it is complicated.

But, you know, the main thing is, if he is behaving like a child, not taking things seriously - that is on him, not on you. You know it is damaging - but does he? Because he is the one who needs to know and he is the one who needs to take responsibility. If he can't do that it is sad and crap - but it is not something you need to take responsibility for, and it's certainly not what makes your amazing DD who and what she is.

LittlebearH · 25/03/2012 00:36

I am no doormat and want DD to have two happy parents who show each other love and respect. The fact he can call me a cunt and lose his temper so easily without a thought for DD and me is so awful. It makes me feel weak for holding back sometimes which I hate. I tried talking to his mum and she said oh but he does work hard and is probably just stressed. I felt like screaming at her. I know it is wrong but I dont want to break up when generally things are ok. I will try talking to him again but I dont know if I am wasting my time. If I am, I should leave??

DoomCatsofCognitiveDissonance · 25/03/2012 00:46

I don't think you sound like a doormat either. Someone who loses their temper is intimidating. I don't think you are weak to hold back, either - I mean, come on, everyone gets stressed but his mum saying that excuses his actions is really not on.

It's not really my business, but it just sounds to me as if both you and the OP here are struggling with really difficult partners and you deserve better. No one can say what you should do, but if you are thinking about leaving (and you mention it so I guess you are), you should know that is ok - no-one has to stay in a relationship they don't want, it's really ok to think about this stuff.

LittlebearH · 25/03/2012 00:51

Doomcats, I have always had a plan B as I have always had to look after myself. So after the last row, I did look up my entitlements as a single parent. I do think that DP thinks we couldnt afford to split even if either of us wanted to. (Ha ha we can I was pleased to know) but deep down it is the last thing I really want. I think I will give us 12 months to try and work this out. After that, I think I will re-consider.

DoomCatsofCognitiveDissonance · 25/03/2012 00:59

Good luck - I hope it works out. People on here are always there to chat if you want less formal kinds of sounding boards than whatever you've got lined up.

Take care!

LittlebearH · 25/03/2012 02:02

Thanks Doomcats. People like you are why MN is fab.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 25/03/2012 08:57

DH's hearing isn't 100%, often I will say things & he mishears... He swears that I have said things which I haven't, for example - my friends child his very hyperactive, DH had interpreted that as my friends child is on drugs, my cousin recently got divorced, this was interpreted as my cousin is a paedophile (!).

Does he actually have a diagnosis about his hearing?

I ask because this sounds exactly like my mother - a person whose behaviour matches every description I've ever read of borderline and narcissistic PD traits. She will reinterpret things we say completely wackily and randomly like that (and hold fast to her version, to the point of getting angry if she is corrected).

So many people were so baffled by this that she eventually went to an ENT doctor. Result: her hearing is perfect. She is just... loopy. Doesn't actually listen to others, but won't be contradicted.

Just wondering if that was what is also going on with your H's misinterpretations, as it fits everything else you've told us about him.

Fairenuff · 25/03/2012 10:45

Dh said if I did he would give up work & look after the DCs, I would have to pay for everything & our standard of living would fall dramatically, we would have to sell the house, car etc, there wouldn't be any holidays

chipping this is clearly controlling behaviour. Would he really choose to live on a lower income. Would he really give up his job? Why? What reason could there be. To look after the dcs full time. To do all the housework, shopping and cooking? He is talking rubbish. I would be sorely tempted to call his bluff on that one and say, 'Well I don't mind being poor if you don't dear' and see what he does. I think he would blow a gasket! Your poor ds believes him though.

I think I would have a word with the children and say you never know what will happen in life but money isn't everything. We don't need holidays if we have each other. Give them love and security and safety. Give them the right emotional tools to deal with life. Teach them how to stand up for themselves and show them that they do not have to put up with people who try to control and abuse and hurt them x

Original poster

chipping · 26/03/2012 21:02

Littlebear I am sorry you are going through something similar. men .....

HotDAMN - yes, DH has had an official diagnosis regarding his hearing. oldest DC also has hearing loss. It is interesting what you said about your mother, though. How do you cope with it?

Well, DH dropped a bombshell today - he has been sacked from his job. he does have income from businesses that he runs, so financially it isn't too bad (but not good).

I'm not sure what to do. I am thinking about seeing a solicitor to see where I stand. DH has always been very secretive regarding his finances.

He doesn't know it, but I recently found out that he has gambled (& lost) at least £100k over the past year. I have always known that he likes to bet, but this is a huge amount. he is incredibly arrogant regarding money that he earns. He says that I should be thankful that he earns more than average. fairnuff - you are right, money isn't everything. but to DH it is.

I know DH is under a lot of stress, but I don't think it is an excuse for name calling. When he looks at me it is as though he hates me, yet he says he would never divorce me.

OP posts:

Lueji · 26/03/2012 21:11

Sacked, not made redundant?

Lost £100k gambling?

I told you he was a moron.

Could his latest behaviour be made worse by the combination of both issues?

PeppaIsBack · 26/03/2012 21:15

£100k on gambling??
serioulsy if money was so important for him, why would he gamble it??

Sounds like he also has an addiction :(

Original poster

chipping · 26/03/2012 21:19

It certainly explains why he has ben so bad tempered.

I'm not a gambler myself, but I have learnt that it effects DH's mood - when he his winning everything is brilliant (in his world, & so is he, I suppose it is a high??)

OP posts:

Original poster

chipping · 26/03/2012 21:25

If I leave him he will make my life hell, of that I am very sure.

He has a very obsessive personality. If there is something he wants he will pursue it relentlessly until he gets it. I have seen this happen many times.

OP posts:

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 26/03/2012 21:29

If I leave him he will make my life hell, of that I am very sure.

But knowing that he is that kind of person, how can you stay?

Original poster

chipping · 26/03/2012 21:36

HotDAMN - how can I stay? good question. Staying out of fear isn't good, I know. he has threatened to take the children, that is my biggest fear, he is incredibly manipulative, & as I have said, if there is something he wants, he doesn't let go until he has it.

OP posts:

PeppaIsBack · 26/03/2012 21:45

Then before doing anything and telling him about it, you need to be really sure of how.
Eg I would investigate what is happening money wise, how much he has been earning etc... If he can afford to loose that much money, he has to be earning quite a bit.
I would also keep a record of anything like statements showing the gambling.

I would also check with sollicitor what are you options etc..

If you know that he will be difficult, then you need to be as preapred as you can.

Fairenuff · 26/03/2012 21:47

I think your idea of speaking to a solicitor would be a good step for now. Just to see where you stand and confide your fears. They will be able to advise you of your choices. Doesn't hurt to find out does it.

Original poster

chipping · 26/03/2012 21:54

or ...

I could be the 'good wife' - smile, have sex whenever he wants, not have an opinion, disregard my own thoughts and feelings, agree with everything he says, do whatever he tells me to do, be thankful when he buys me things, tell him he is a wonderful husband, in other words, be just like his mother.

Then, he will be nice to me.

But, I do have my own thoughts & opinions, unfortunately. And I think I am on the right side of the fence to be strong (just like my mother! )

OP posts:

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