DH has just called me a moron, why?

[chipping]

I have 4DCs. My relationship with DH has gone down hill since the birth of DC4 12 months ago (EMCS).

DH's hearing isn't 100%, often I will say things & he mishears. There is also a history of dyslexia on DH's side, which I feel may contribute to many misunderstandings between us. He swears that I have said things which I haven't, for example - my friends child his very hyperactive, DH had interpreted that as my friends child is on drugs, my cousin recently got divorced, this was interpreted as my cousin is a paedophile (!).

It sounds mad, but this is how it is.

I have tried to talk to DH, explaining that I think the problems we have in our relationship are in part due to misundestandings we have in communicating. he has said that it is me that has the problem in communicating , that no one understands what i say (I am black, but born & brought up in the UK, I have a lancashire accent, DH is from the south).

Today, after another misunderstanding I tried to talk to DH. I explained how I felt after the birth of DS. I was on my own for a long time with the DCs, he went on holiday. I was very resentful.

DH laughed and called me a moron - as though he didn't believe what i was saying.

I have had councelling. My councellor has said that she thinks that Dh is emotionally abusive. I told DH this, he has told me that everyone now thinks that I am mad.

DH isn't the person I married.

I would appreciate some advice.

seabright - thats a good point, I don't have problems communicating with other people, but DH does, I often have to be a 'go between' - explaining to him what people have said, what they mean etc.

(sorry chippingin - i have had problems with name changing)

My councellor has advised me not to 'rock the boat', which is difficult when faced with the name calling, today I just left the room - no retalliation. but it goes against my nature (& hence the venting on MN). i do understand what she means though.

He may be an almighty arse.

I am not sure the behaviour you describe isn't compuslive and his reaction to challenge massively defensive though. I'm no expert and you are the only one who is close to this - just worth exploring, if there is any way of doing this?

Either way look after yourself and good luck to you and the DCs.

I don't quite understand what your counsellor means by don't 'rock the boat'?

What does she mean?

I'm so sorry you are going through this chipping, I don't think the dyslexia/hearing imparement or accent have anything to do with his behaviour!

For what its worth my DH is hearing impaired and dyslexic, he is from the south and I'm a geordie. Its not uncommon for him to mishear me or for me to get frustrated with him because i thought he understood something/agreed to something when in fact he didn't hear it correctly, but never would he hear divorce as paedophilia!!! And never would he insult and blame me for any miscommunication.

It sounds like you DH is treating you very badly and then trying to blame you for his behaviour.

Calling you a moron and mad is unacceptable.

You sound really sensible and like you have a lot of positives in your life, please don't let him pick away at your confidence and independance.

Personally I couldn't live like this and if i was in your situation i would be telling him that he either engages in marriage counselling (and I mean really engage with it not just go through the motions) or he moves out.

I don't know if he is playing some sort of game?

Over the past few months I have become more independant, made new friends etc. DHs behaviour towards me has become more & more unpleasant. It seems as though its a case of if I go back to how I was, he will be nicer.

I recently suggested that i go back to work - working on the days Dh doesn't. Dh said if I did he would give up work & look after the DCs, I would have to pay for everything & our standard of living would fall dramatically, we would have to sell the house, car etc, there wouldn't be any holidays. DC (aged 8) got very upset & said he didn't want to move house. So me looking for a job has been put on hold.

'Don't rock the boat'? If a boat isn't seaworthy enough to be rocked, you may as well sink it.

As your posts show you to be a bright, confident, rational, eminently sensible, capable, woman, you're obviously not a moron.

As for you being mad, if you continue to put up with this twat's nonsense for much longer I fear that you may become homicidal certifiable.

Can't he get a hearing aid? If not, maybe you could invest in ear plugs and tune him out.

BTW he is the person you married but, because you were wearing rose-tinted specs at the time, you failed to see his true colours.

I think izzy is right.

If he is playing a game, it's a nasty one. Can you perhaps call him on this, and say to him that it feels to you as if he is not supporting you when you are trying to sort out a career?

TBH, he does owe you if you have been up to now prioritizing his career ... I wonder if he's thought about it like that?

thanks izzy

I can't change back & I can't be what he considers a 'decent' wife. It would be so much easier if I could - be everything to everyone else & not be true to myself.

Bollox, what a mess.

Oh boy, that's some major controlling behaviour he's exhibiting there. What do you want for your life? Not what do you want him to do, because you can't make that happen,but what do you want?

It's not a mess - don't be down on yourself.

There is nothing to stop him changing his idea of what is a 'decent wife', he can do it. And if he refuses to do it, you don't have to let him hold you back while you are working out what works for you.

Emotionally and verbally abusive - and controlling with it.

Classic.

Do you really need this extra child in your life, honey?

you have given me some great advice. thank you.

DH is out tonight, so I have some time & head space to think things over.

I think I am heading towards leaving him, but it is a big step to take. I know if I had the choice of being with DH for the rest of my life or being on my own, I would prefer to be on my own.

Thinking a bit more about you saying it's a 'mess' ... the way I see it, you have four children. You have started getting back into jobs. You are a success. You are a success, to be honest, even with the drag of a husband who is not supporting you the way most partners would, who is actually being actively unhelpful to you. So you must be pretty good at what you do, to be raising four children and getting yourself into work, in this situation.

He should be proud of you, decent men would be. I would be thinking that when he talks about what he thinks a 'decent wife' is!

When I read your initial post I was wondering if he was suffering some sort of mental illness. His behaviour and perceptions seem impaired yet he is projecting it onto you, as if you are the one who is ill...

Anyway then I read on and saw that this has only started since you've become more independant. It seems to be emotional/mental abuse.

My ex did similar things. Bizarre behaviour which he projected on to me. Sabotage and deliberately creating as much chaos as possible to 'punish' me, for what I don't know and thankfully I no longer care.

I'd advise you to start thinking about getting the hell away from him OP.

izzy - that is so true - he is an extra child! the other day he sat at the table, dinner in front of him, me doing the usual headless chicken thing, rushing about, stuffing the youngest into his high chair, telling off the others for messing about, me getting drinks for everyone. Dh sitting there ... says 'do we have a knife and fork?'. me - 'yes, in the drawer, in front of you - do you want me to eat it for you aswell????'

That's me trying NOT to 'rock the boat'

So we have "gaslighting"...abusive behaviour,
blaming you for his mishearing/misunderstanding...abusive
Namecalling...abusive
Behaviour escalating as you become more independent...abusive
Undermining your parenting...abusive

I would say your counsellor was spot on with his/her diagnosis...don't get the "don't rock the boat" idea though. Surely the boat has been well and truly rocked by him and his abusive behaviour...perhaps scuttling it and sailing away in a more seaworthy vessel is in order??

I would strongly suggest you read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. I think you will find your other half contained therein. There are a host of other resources at the top of the Support thread here and you would of course be welcome in person too!!

I am sorry. These people never show their true colours at the start of a relationship and are subtle in keeping us with them and making us doubt ourselves. You sound strong and have your eyes wide open. Hope you can find the best way through this for you.

You sound like you are ready to make a plan to move on.

Start by gathering all your financila and personal paperwork and copying it, you can then hide the copies preferably outside of your home with the view of taking copies and originals when you leave, don't forget passports, mortgage details etc.

How are you for money? Can you start building a rainbow fund, squirrel money away for a deposit and start looking for part time work, look into you rights on benefits as a single mum....

It will give you a secret focus.

If you truly belive you would be a better person without him you can now start to put a plan in place to make that possible.

Is there a chance he could become physically aggressive? That's the only reason I could think of for a counsellor saying 'Don't rock the boat'.

do you want me to eat it for you as well You sound like a gal after my own heart and I have every confidence that you're going to do a whole lot better on your own that you can ever do with him, honey.

You've made the decision and now it's just a question of time until you can put into practice.

Start by visiting www.womensaid.org.uk search for your nearest branch, give them a call during usual office hours, and ask if they can recommend solicitors who specialise in divorce and family law and who offer a free half-an-hour initial consultation.

It may be that you won't have to leave the the marital home, but there's no point in wasting time and energy speculating about how you'll manage/where you'll live until you know where you stand legally, and what benefits, child support etc you may be entitled to.

No, fairenuff, he would not become physically aggressive. Years ago, he was in a relationship with a woman who used to physically attack him, he didn't fight back.

I think the not 'rocking the boat' is with regard to the effect on the DCs & the fact that Dh has been manipulative emotionally towards them.

Another odd thing which I have only found out recently was that he was a wee bit stalkerish (towards me) before we met, it's a long boring story. I didn't realise until I met a few people who knew him & a few things have fallen into place - comments he has made in the past have now fallen into place. he is quite a bit older than me, I was very vulnerable - classic.

Yep, sure is classic and, as you are now beginning to understand, he's always been the man you married and he's not going to change.

How old are your dc?

Ooh I couldnt have written this. My councillor said the same thing. My DP calls me a cunt in a row and gets very agressive. When I said it frightens me and using such strong language is wrong and I wonder if he is going to hit me when he loses his temper. He just laughs and says he doesnt mean it and he would never hit me.

If a DP is generally fine and a good dad but it is just you cannot row or disagree for fear of a flare up and that it is emotionally abusive, what are you supposed to do? Leave? Really?

Yes. Why not?