Finally slept with love of my life and think my heart is going to be broken

[ButWhyIsTheGinGone]

Am devastated. This is long I'm afraid...
I've loved this man for four years. He lives in my town but we're from the same village orginally. He's 17 years older than me but in many ways my best friend and we are very similar. He works all over the world in patches - last year he was away probably about 20 weeks, so when he's here we spend a lot of time together.

I think he's always known how I feel about him, but he's never taken advantage, never embarassed me and has made comments indicating the age difference between us is an issue for him. But we've always had a very friendly, bickery relationship and our friends and his family jokingly call us a married old couple.

Thursday evening he returns home from abroad and we arrange to meet up in local pub with lots of mutual friends. He's in a really bright, jokey mood and at one point when our friends' attentions where on someone else, he told me he'd been talking with work colleagues about being away and love, etc. He said it was like a lightbulb moment and realised I was his soulmate and he loved me. I also applied recently for a job which would have meant eventually moving away and I think this made him stop and think. He's packing in the working away later this year so settling down aorund here. I couldn't respond cos my stomach was doing knots and I was half scared it was a horrible joke.

We left and walked to pub near my house and had a gin and tonic and he asked if he could come back to mine. I said yes, knowing what it would lead to, and it did. Not going to go into deep detail (it's early!) but we spent a lot of time talking, telling each other we loved each other, kissing, cuddling, and then yes, other stuff. It was the most open and honest and actually best sexual experience I've ever had. (Yes I KNOW how lame that sounds.) He said at one point this reason this was so great is that it was sex and love together, and I told him I'd never actually had that. (True.) He left as I had an early start the next day, and I went to bed the happiest person ever.

He made no contact yesterday at all. I sent him a cheerful good morning text and then in the afternoon a quick one to say I was popping into pub on way home if he fancied a quick drink. No response. I begin panicking. I rang a very good female mutual friend of ours and explained, swearing her to secrecy.) She was really excited for us, but said he's probably panicking about it and, knowing him as she does, scared of being rejected. So I text him before I went to bed saying I really meant everything I'd said last night and hope we can talk soon but it's up to him.

What has happened? Part of me is angry and thinks if he just wanted a quick fuck, why say the love and soulmates bits, and WHY WITH ME? But most of me is just gutted and wants to cry. I don't know what to do. I know this problem isn't as serious as many, but I feel like a major thing in my life has just been pulled away. Any words of advice/comfort will probs make me bawl, but will be appreciated.

"I don't think women should have to tease out the meaning of non-verbal communication."

They don't have to.

You respond to someone who ignores your texts by presuming they haven't replied because they choose not to.

The reason for the choice matters not - you deal with what you know.

You deal with the fact that they were in the same pub unexpectedly and he made no attempt to disengage himself from a group of friends that made it awkward for them to talk by presuming that he didn't feel any urgent necessity to clear the air.

The many attempts by wishful thinkers to explain away his lack of response as a sign of his devotion only makes my initial point - women tie themselves in knots "interpreting" male behaviour instead of taking it at face value and responding accordingly.

It is a massive waste of their time and energy as well as leaving the power in these situations where it has always been - with the men.

The sad fact is that the OP starts off by saying she has been in love with him for 4 years. be that as it may- but this man has we assume not been in love with the OP at all- or if he is he is very shy in saying so.

So that puts her on the back foot.

I had experiences like this in my teens and 20s- when men went AWOL or didn't call. I was all for "having it out" to find out the "truth".

The truth is that most men are sheer cowards. The would rather walk over hot coals than face a woman they have just fucked, and say that it meant nothing, and no, they are not in love or wanting a relationship.

They go silent. Ot evasive when asked.

OP be prepared for him to wriggle and squirm and even come up with all kinds of excuses for not contacting you- but the pattern may well repeat itself if you continue to see hiim.

Not knowing what happened in the meantime, I'd say you are doing the right thing.
It's best to be direct and talk about it properly.

No games or interpreting body language.

what AThingInYourLife said

The idea that there will be no games if he shows up on this date is laughable.

Putting him on the spot might well elicit some lies if he fancies turning your non-sexual couplish friendship into the same deal but with regular shags when it suits.

Good luck ButWhy - you sound like a cool, sparky, interesting woman.

In 6 years you'll be in your early 30s and he'll be middle aged.

I bet you can do better.

You've probably been spending more time than you needed to on this unrequited love thing since you were 23.

It's hard to meet someone to have a future with when you are all tied up with someone who has nothing to offer.

what AThingInYourLife said

Again, couldn't disagree more, (although think s/he is coming from a well-intentioned place)

I stand by what I say...in just about every situation like this I would agree with A Thing and Oracle, but Gin's case sounds different and I honestly think here there are grounds for thinking the guy has been spooked by what has gone on, but not necessarily in a bad way, and it would be heartbreaking if this were to go tits up because of poor communication. I still think Gin is right to get it all out in the open in words of one syllables

The idea that there will be no games if he shows up on this date is laughable

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO way too harsh! I mean you could be right, there may be more head games, but I don't think the idea is laughable. It's worth a shot!

Gin - I think that's a perfect plan :)

Good Luck!!

I agree with everything athing has said.

For me the writing was on the wall on the first night when he didnt stay over. Its not normal behaviour for two people to declare their love, say they are soulmates and then for one to up and leave after a shag. When you are in love the sleeping together is as important as the sex, esp on that first night. It sounds like he regretted it straight away and having an early start doesnt cut it as an excuse to up and leave.

I think the age difference is really significant here as the man is coming to the point where he is sick of working away and wants to settle down but the OP is just starting out and looking further afield. I dont think its a coincidence that this happened after the OP was maybe going to move away. Its possible that he panicked that he wouldnt have the doting woman at home waiting for him as usual. I would guess that he doesnt want his way of life to change much but would like the OP there to sleep with when he fancies it.

OP, you sound like a lovely person. Its unlikely that this man is the love of your life and you may feel heartbroken now but look back and see that its made you stronger and that he wasnt right for you. We,ve all been there in one way or another.

I really hope that things work out for you. I may be wrong on all counts but think you should prepare yourself for the worst.

Good luck

" I honestly think here there are grounds for thinking the guy has been spooked by what has gone on, but not necessarily in a bad way, and it would be heartbreaking if this were to go tits up because of poor communication."

There are grounds for thinking anything about his lack of response.

The point is that if it goes tits up because of his poor communication, that is up to him.

There is no good relationship on the other side of "I will make up for your refusal to talk", and I say this as someone married to a woeful communicator.

There is no good way to be "spooked" by sleeping with someone you love.

If he is feeling overwhelmed and responding by ignoring, then the only way to deal with that is by accepting his lack of communication and leaving it to him to overcome his reticence.

Making up for his reluctance to talk by making all the running, and doing all the thinking is putting yourself in the position of supplicant for his attention. It's demeaning and it bodes ill for any future relationship between them.

I also really wonder about men being "spooked" by strong feelings. IME men, even loners, even shy men, who have decided a woman is right for them are not "spooked" or complicated, but quite forthright about it.

I think it is women, who have been socialised to be fearful of expressing their feelings before knowing they are reciprocated, that project this idea that men are incapable of dealing with strong emotions onto blokes that aren't feeling any.

Men are socialised to go out and get what they want, and usually when they are really in love they are not shy about telling the world - even where it is not clear it is reciprocated (which it is here).

But even if he is very unusual and "spooked" by something lovely, running after him and asking (for a 4th time) to be recognised, is not a good move.

I don't want to offer any more theories as to the motivation for his behaviour as I think every permutation has basically been covered by numerous posters. Just wanted to say that whatever his reasons the effect of his behaviour on you has been hurtful and remind you that your feelings are entirely valid and completely justified, regardless of the whys and wherefores surrounding the situation.

Along with everyone else I am following this thread agog with anticipation for the next installment but also want to offer sympathy and support however it ends up.

I wasn't making generalisations about men or anyone else being spooked I just said that this guy might have been. Okay not a brilliant thing, but which of us can honestly say we have never done anything really stupid on occasion that might have really ruined things if somebody else had not made an effort to put things right. In fact come to think of it, that may just have been the case with Mr House and me!!

A Thing I can see you are counselling caution and dignity, and may the saints love you for it, but I STILL say that Gin should attempt to get it out in the open. Sometimes regretting things not done is far greather than the regret for having tried something and failed.

Along with everyone else I am following this thread agog with anticipation for the next installment but also want to offer sympathy and support however it ends up.

Beaiutifully put Ionysis

Good luck gin

I think SimoneD has it spot on. Hope I'm wrong, but don't think so.

If you need to ask someone 4 times in a row to acknowledge you, I'm not sure you can consider any response to be open.

Whatever might happen today can't be trusted or taken at face value.

The OP will still be fearful afterwards of being blanked again, because she knows he is capable of it and has basically begged for a conversation.

So even if today is everything the optimistic are hoping, it puts her right back where she was already - man declares love, has sex, withdraws.

Except now he knows he gets rewards for withdrawal.

So even if today is everything the optimistic are hoping, it puts her right back where she was already - man declares love, has sex, withdraws.Except now he knows he gets rewards for withdrawal.

Maybe. Or just maybe:

Man declares love has sex, declares self to have been a scared rabbit in the headlights tit but has learned lesson now, etc etc'

Or even:

Man says he has behaved like twat, sex should never have happened, he was high on the moment, but wants friendship to continue as previously

Or perhaps

Man says, FFS Gin can't you take a hint.

Any one of these is just as likely as your hpothesis A Thing and would at least give Gin some kind of peace of mind.

We all need to be a bit careful about drawing cut and dried conclusions when a) with the best will in the world we only have one side of the story and b) we cannot get inside anyone's head

And enough with the four times of asking already! People are lucky EVER to get a response from me to a text (for all sorts of reasons ranging from I just haven't picked them up to they are a loathesome, cumbersome and unsatisfactory means of communication)

Oh noooooo

I really WOULD NOT call him. He has ignored three texts..a phone call on top of that is just entering into needy/pushy territory. I'm too late to stop you though aren't I?

" People are lucky EVER to get a response from me to a text."

So if you slept with your best friend in a night of declarations of love, you would ignore multiple texts because texts are "cumbersome"?

Yah, right... :o

Is it really necessary to point out that he could have picked up the phone, or come to see her, at any point in the last two days if texting was so onerous?

He actually bumped into her and made no effort to have a chat, so laziness isn't even an excuse.

And yes, as the person who had received 3 as yet unreplied to texts and who was sitting with a large group when she came in, the onus was on him to come over to say hi. Just as a matter of common courtesy.

AThingInYourLife is absolutely right. I think we all know she's right.

So if you slept with your best friend in a night of declarations of love, you would ignore multiple texts because texts are "cumbersome"?

Give me strength...NO!!!! I am just pointing out that texts are not the most reliable means of communication, he may not even have picked them up, he may be dithering for reasons of his own which have nothing to do with game playing and everything to do with the enormity of what has just happened which okay makes him a bit of a nonce on this occasion but not the end of everything oh fucking hell what's the point

You're absolutely right about all aspect os this of course A Thing. Stupid of me (and Gin) to have seen other possibilities, explored other options.

Gin that's it: leave the bastard

Gin just in case, that last bit was ironic!!

Karmak hmmmm, you have used my words exactly (or I have used yours...) but I can't help thinking we may not be entirely as one on this!

yep to AThing.

we all want the big love affair, and have been conditioned to believe that true love has to be difficult. that when a man doesnt call, or reply to your texts, or says he wants to be FWBs he is just commitment shy and is scared by the depth of his feelings.

utter bollocks. its very simple, if a fella really likes you and wants to be with you, he will. If he is avoiding calls, ignoring you on a night out and not texting back, he isnt that fussed.

I guess I'm the only one to think it is a bit odd to plan to call this man today having said yesterday that you are busy. Talk about playing games. If the OP were a teenager I'd understand it.

we all want the big love affair, and have been conditioned to believe that true love has to be difficult

On behalf of all the Pollyannas on this thread, actually no! I am the very quintessence of if it's right it will be easy-ness. But I am supremely humble enough to know that this is not ALWAYS the case and there can be hiccoughs.

And just to make it clear: I do not think A thing et al are necessarily wrong (as I hope I have made clear): I just don't think they are necessarily right and that if Gin thinks it is a good idea to call him up then she should do so, because I think IN THIS CASE we are far from 'It's hopeless bang gavel' territory.