Finally slept with love of my life and think my heart is going to be broken

[ButWhyIsTheGinGone]

Am devastated. This is long I'm afraid...
I've loved this man for four years. He lives in my town but we're from the same village orginally. He's 17 years older than me but in many ways my best friend and we are very similar. He works all over the world in patches - last year he was away probably about 20 weeks, so when he's here we spend a lot of time together.

I think he's always known how I feel about him, but he's never taken advantage, never embarassed me and has made comments indicating the age difference between us is an issue for him. But we've always had a very friendly, bickery relationship and our friends and his family jokingly call us a married old couple.

Thursday evening he returns home from abroad and we arrange to meet up in local pub with lots of mutual friends. He's in a really bright, jokey mood and at one point when our friends' attentions where on someone else, he told me he'd been talking with work colleagues about being away and love, etc. He said it was like a lightbulb moment and realised I was his soulmate and he loved me. I also applied recently for a job which would have meant eventually moving away and I think this made him stop and think. He's packing in the working away later this year so settling down aorund here. I couldn't respond cos my stomach was doing knots and I was half scared it was a horrible joke.

We left and walked to pub near my house and had a gin and tonic and he asked if he could come back to mine. I said yes, knowing what it would lead to, and it did. Not going to go into deep detail (it's early!) but we spent a lot of time talking, telling each other we loved each other, kissing, cuddling, and then yes, other stuff. It was the most open and honest and actually best sexual experience I've ever had. (Yes I KNOW how lame that sounds.) He said at one point this reason this was so great is that it was sex and love together, and I told him I'd never actually had that. (True.) He left as I had an early start the next day, and I went to bed the happiest person ever.

He made no contact yesterday at all. I sent him a cheerful good morning text and then in the afternoon a quick one to say I was popping into pub on way home if he fancied a quick drink. No response. I begin panicking. I rang a very good female mutual friend of ours and explained, swearing her to secrecy.) She was really excited for us, but said he's probably panicking about it and, knowing him as she does, scared of being rejected. So I text him before I went to bed saying I really meant everything I'd said last night and hope we can talk soon but it's up to him.

What has happened? Part of me is angry and thinks if he just wanted a quick fuck, why say the love and soulmates bits, and WHY WITH ME? But most of me is just gutted and wants to cry. I don't know what to do. I know this problem isn't as serious as many, but I feel like a major thing in my life has just been pulled away. Any words of advice/comfort will probs make me bawl, but will be appreciated.

He has just got back from being away and hasn't replied immediately to your texts (and is rubbish with technology) and is catching up with friends as is evident from being in the pub with his mates. He then uses a term of affection to get your attention and, basically, asks to see you and from what you have said you were stand offish

Would he normally reply to your texts quickly op?

Morning Gin, Just speed read the thread. Something a bit like this happened to me. Went to school with someone, met up in our twenties when I went to work where he did (when neither of us were free) and bang! Cupid's arrow for me - never felt the same way about anyone before or since. Nothing happened between us at that point but we had a fling in our thirties (when we were both free) and then again in our forties, when we were both free again - seems neither of us could settle with anyone. I got all the soul mate stuff. Pretty much the same pub thing, he didn't acknowledge me after professing all these feelings. Glad I'm reserved because I chickened out of telling him I'd loved him for 20 years! He was a sad twat and I have resolved not to hitch my wagan to him again in my fifties. My point is, resolve this in your mind and don't waste too long giving him any special status in your mind.

If it's any help, I don't think yours has cold bloodedly decided to hurt you. A lot of (single) men are twats sadly and their thought processes don't extend beyond themselves.

Yes, I think a more decent man would have wanted to check in with you the next day, and reaffirmed his feelings for you.

Good morning all! Some really interesting comments, and some slightly bizarre inferences! Can 100% confirm he was not on coke, Squeakytoy, as he has to undergo random tests for work and has a less than tolerant to the many, many drug takers in our delightful town anyway.

I have woken up with absolute clarity of mind today. The sun is shining and sky is blue. I'm going to ring him in a bit to suggest a nice day either in town or away somewhere. This is what I would normally do so nothing strange there. If he dithers or refuses, I know where I stand and can begin crappy process of stopping my feelings.

If he agrees, we will have a great day out like we usually do and I will explain exactly how I feel. No emotional blackmail type shit. Just, "did you mean what you said the other night? What do you want to happen? That sounds good to me/no I can't do that, sorry.) No tears, no stupidity, just that. If he's not man enough to be honest in that situation he is indeed a cock and can fuck off.

Just to clarify a couple of things that have been mentioned on here:

• He was not drunk on the night it happened. We had both been drinking, but defo no drunk.
• I have never known him to have a relationship in the 4 years I've known him. Our mutual female friend did tell me about a woman who hurt him really badly a few years ago, though. (Not an excuse to ill treat anyone else though IMO.)
• I didn't exactly "blank" him last night - I was just having an internal panic moment. I did say hi and a couple of other things, but it was definitely awkward. I want to avoid this awkwardness today.
• The person who made the comment along the lines of "Wow, like, you need to both, like, grow up, like, now" - what a delight you are.

ButwhyistheGingone, if he has been a single man for a long time, (and his brain works like my DH's), his life will be planned around mates, footie and beer. It would not occur to him that you were waiting to hear from him, and when he spoke to you, he would not have been expecting the response he got... as SaggyHairyArse says....

Or he could just be a twat

Cross posts - good plan. Fingers crossed it is a case of man-brain, like I said!

Good plan.. do it now!

(and then obviously report back please)

Good luck, today BWITGG. I like your attitude. Stay strong if twattishness makes an appearance but here's hoping it's a basic Mars / Venus situation.

I hope today goes well OP. Wondering where you stand is a shitty feeling. But trust me on this one (as someone who was in and out of r'ships throughout her twenties) that if a man wants you, generally you'll know about it. It's rarely as complicated as women make it out to be. If he wants a relationship with you then he will make the effort to build it. If not, he won't.

Ok I may be guilty of over generalising here but I have heard every excuse for men not getting in touch or making the effort from my friends, and the outcome is always the same.

Op you sound fab, have a great day, hope it works out for you!

If he agrees, we will have a great day out like we usually do and I will explain exactly how I feel. No emotional blackmail type shit. Just, "did you mean what you said the other night? What do you want to happen? That sounds good to me/no I can't do that, sorry.) No tears, no stupidity, just that. If he's not man enough to be honest in that situation he is indeed a cock and can fuck off.

IME many men when put on the spot come out with all kinds of waffle because they are too cowardly to say they didn't mean what they said. I think that you are expecting too much.

No man realy like being put on the spot.

I agree you are in a sad situaiton and it is horrible.

But after texting him 3 times in a day and not getting a reply, I think that speaks volumes.

He is in his mid 40s- he is not a teenager- so he should behave in a more mature way.

I'm sorry, but I think you have been dumped, or he is playing a control game, and you should NOT contact him at all- if he wants to see you or speak, he knows where you are.

Think that sounds like a very sensible plan, Gin. I would avoid any more texts. Too trivial and easily misconstrued.

Must admit, I would have found it difficult to answer a text saying you had 'meant everything you said'. I wouldn't have ignored it either but then I'm not a 44 year old man.

My guess would be he doesn't think he's being the massive twat that everyone else does. I hope I'm right but whatever the outcome, you're handling it well this morning.

Good luck, Gin

I totally agree with Garlic.

Although I'd note that women wouldn't have to make things so complicated, if men would just communicate properly!

OP glad you're all right, I think you're right to try to talk to him today but I'd approach it a bit differently. It's a bit odd to ring up and suggest a day out as you normally do, because obviously things aren't normal at the moment. It's also a bit of false pretenses, suggesting a normal day out when really you need to talk to him.

I'd say something more like, it's a beautiful day and normally I'd love to suggest we go do something together, but I feel very unsure about what's going on right now. Then see what he says.

But Wine why on earth would she want to contact a man who is ignoring her- especially when she has made her own feelings clear and shown her hand?

I think any other contact by the OP will push him even further away as she is coming over far too eager- and very few men like being chased.

OP push if you like, but I don't think the outcome will be the one you want.

It's been said here a million times- it's not what men say that counts, it's what they do.

Why would you even want to suggest a "nice day out" with a man you are in love with, have had sex with once, and who then ignores you? Really?

Good plan OP, its all very well surmising but get it from the horses mouth. I REALLY hope it goes well.

Juding by the length of this thread i think that we are all a bunch of romantics really and we are all wanting it to end well xx

I like your direct approach.

Gin, in my experience men who are quite solitary, and have reached this age, who are not effective communicators over something like this do not improve in long term relationships.

They are not brave emotionally and distant. The not replying, eg not even an acknowledging reply, suggests he is in emotional turmoil a bit, and that he has handled his feelings without regard for yours.

I think he is not a good long term prospect, unless you can tell him that he upset you by not responding, and he sees that you have made a fair point. That does not make you too pushy or over keen.

myfriend You suspect I am mollie because 2 people can't hold the same opinion? I am not mollie. I am not blaming the OP, I ma blaming both of them.

I could barely acknowledge him, I was shaking. He had the grace to go red and look ashamed but tried saying hello by calling an "affectionate" nickname he uses. I couldn't even make eye contact

Yep, I'd call that ignoring.

"Although I'd note that women wouldn't have to make things so complicated, if men would just communicate properly!"

They do communicate properly.

This guy has made it crystal clear over more than 48 hours that whatever he said before he slept with ButWhy, that he doesn't intend to follow up on that.

Men in love return texts, they make phonecalls, they approach the woman they love when she unexpectedly comes to the pub.

The problem is not the communication, it's the unwillingness to hear what is being communicated and the insistence (by some women) of making up implausible explanations related to men's supposed "inability to communicate".

I think, ButWhy that the romantic date you have planned may well elicit the response you will clearly be begging for, but that these "communication problems" will continue and he still won't acknowledge you properly in public.

Oh nooooooooo. On many counts.

This now sounds like me, and the almighty fuckups I always make when people are really important to me.

(Well, used to, obviously, am old and live with dp now but enjoy vicarious living with young whippersnappers like the OP)

Case in point: An on/off relationship at university with someone who I still think of fondly, and sometimes in a what-if kind of way (even dreamt of him last night on the back of this thread) After the first time I slept with him, I ignored him totally for weeks, he got the message I wasn't interested in a relationship and it kind of descended into fuckbuddies for the next 4 years. He told a friend he knew that he "was just another one of Bucharest's men" and the last time I had him (2 mths before he got married) (I didn't know that till later)he told me he wanted to thank me for what I "had managed to give him despite myself" On his stag night he told a mutual friend he thought he would be obsessed with me forever and it wouldn't help that his dw and I shared the same first name.

All the above to show that it doesn't have to mean that just because it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's not actually a platypus.

That said, I was 20 at the time....the OP's bloke is 44.

I think the text-era complicates things. If those texts hadn't happened, would we still be thinking he's a wanker? I wouldn't. I'd still be thinking what I was thinking on page 1 yesterday that he is as terrified as the OP about the enormity of it all.

I still don't think it's as clear cut as him regretting what he's done. Until the OP tells us that's what he's said, I've still got my rose tinteds on. (though they are a bit muckier than yesterday)

I still would NOT NOWAY be ringing him today and suggesting a day out, mind.

But then, maybe if I'd done that 20+ years ago, I'd be with that feller-me-lad I talked about ^^ up there. Who knows?

AThing I see what you're saying, but I don't think women should have to tease out the meaning of non-verbal communication.

If these men would just say what's on their minds, we could drop this whole charade where they ignore us for X amount of time and then it finally dawns on us that he's not going to ever call and we are supposed to just accept that without ever knowing why.

And as for this guy making it crystal clear -- I think the wide divergence of interpretations on this thread shows that it's not actually totally clear.

FWIW Gin I disagree with just about EVERYTHING A Thing says in his/her post of 11.04 and I speak as one who would normally have both feet firmly in the 'Walk away with your head held high' camp.

After four years of friendship and the night you describe last week the very least you deserve is closure (in fact you deserve a lot more!!). I think your plan for today is an excellent one: I hope it delivers what you want but if it doesn't....

Walk away with your head held high and find someone who appreciatesappreciate everything you have to offer. To paraphrase 'He's just not that into you' and why wouldn't he, Hotstuff

Good luck!!

I think the OP read the situation correctly when she walked into the pub. You can tell that instant when someone sees you whether they are pleased or not. OP must have seen that knobhead looked less than excited to see her hence how she reacted.

I don't think this will end well. Either he wants a fuckbuddy or he will try and keep you dangling for the next 10 years while he decides what he does want. Or both.

I have a feeling that he didn't quite mean what he said, or if he did I don't think it would translate into a relationship that the OP would be looking for. i think he loves his lifestyle and enjoys having the OP as part of that, but that he has let it go too far out of his comfort zone, realises that and is trying to get back to the status quo and making it quite clear to OP that nothing has materially change by not responding to the OP and in essence making her sort through her own thoughts and arrive at the same conclusion as himself - giving her time to 'come down' from the emotional high.

If it were me, and I have been through this - haven't we all - I would be arranging a great day in the sunshine for myself and some other friends to spoil myself. If he wants the OP he will make it very clear. There shouldn't be any need to 'cajole' a response, or try to act as normal after such a hugely important event.
Lots of luck OP x Don't waste your love/young years on someone who isn't completely nuts over you.