Is it possible to 'manage' a controlling husband?

[NotANaturalGeordie]

A little history - DH was emotionally neglected by his mother and regularly beaten/humiliated by his (now dead) step-father. We have had no contact with his mother for about 5 years. We have been together 15 yrs, married for 10 and have two DD, ages 7 and 2.

DH has control issues. For example, I pre plan dinners for budget reasons, and when I swapped the meals around for convenience sake he lost his temper, we had a huge row and he wouldn't let it drop until I was in tears. This sort of thing didn't use to happen but DD1 is now at the age he was when his mother married his step-dad. He will deliberately pick a fight and brow beat me until I cry, then he can 'forgive' me. He usually apologises and accepts responsibility for the arguments at a later point, maybe an hour or two later.

I love him, he loves me. I am not considering leaving him, but I would like advice on coping with his behaviour. I do not want to cry any more but neither can I go on like this. He refuses point blank to consider counselling.

Any advice? Any one living with someone like this and how do you manage?

Given he calms down afterwards and accepts responsibility, does he have any ideas on how he could avoid reacting to perfectly routine situations in this way? Or is his apology, once offered, the end of the discussion permanently until next time?

Maybe you need to speak to him about his experiences if he will, point out exactly what it is he is doing and tell him how much it hurts you and is affecting your daughter, which i am assuming it is?

He will deliberately pick a fight and brow beat me until I cry, then he can 'forgive' me. He usually apologises and accepts responsibility for the arguments at a later point, maybe an hour or two later.

You poor woman. You must feel so confused and conflicted.

It's no way to live really. The one you love shouldn't get joy from making you cry. I'm not sure how you propose to manage someone like that.

What are you getting out of this relationship? To be frank, he's an adult and his childhood is not an excuse to treat you or your dc badly.

Lady he's a v private person (the less they know, the less ammunition they have). Counselling would require communication!

Tribpot it's usually the end of the matter. He's good at using his explanation of exactly how I upset him as a way of badgering me into prolonging the argument, e.g. why did you do that darling, you know how it always upsets me.... so its my fault.

You could try counselling on your own, although you should not be having to cope with his behaviour. If he has issues he should deal with them and if he loves you he should be trying to do his best not to lose you.

That is no way to live.

Ex was similar in the sense that arguments really only ended with me in tears. It was almost as if he got some pleasure out of it.
It just wore me down to no longer care for him or to be with him.

That's the risk you and him take by going on like this.

The way he will change his behaviour is by gaining more insight into why he behaves the way he does and the effect it has on you and the children. If he won't consider counselling, then he isn't very likely to get to the point where he can reflect on himself.
He sounds like the classic man child, trapped in the behaviour patterns of the neglected and rejected little boy he was. The way you help a neglected child is to unconditionally love, be consistent and help them to regulate their behaviour. Unfortunately, you can't necessarily do the same with a damaged adult.
I think you need to consider your own happiness and mental health. How much more can you take? Can you handle this going on indefinitely?

Bobyan I have asked myself that question. I do believe that he has limited emotional expression, by which I mean when he feels scared he expresses it in anger, or when he feels sad/grief he compartmentalises and then picks a fight to release the tension. He works hard at his job, he worships his children (and me) and cannot express his emotions in the way I can. I am not afraid to tell him that I am scared/angry/lonely or that I am happy/loved/excited. He finds it difficult to use these words.

MyLittleMiracle What I see as an emotional rollercoaster that I need to take my DD's and get off, he sees as a damn sight better than his childhood and as we know that we love each other everything is ok really.

The answer to your question is no. My mother is in a similar emotionally abusive relationship and has torn herself apart for years trying to find better ways to respond. It breaks my heart, she ends up blaming herself for getting it wrong when he goes off on one, or congratulating herself for getting it right if he is semi reasonable. She is so sucked into his mad world she cannot see that it is his behaviour that needs to change, not hers.

I am sorry, I think this will get much worse.

mrudagawa How do you help a damaged adult? He has so many wonderful qualities, he makes all sorts of choice to help me be happy. He supported me through getting my OU degree, he agreed to our second DD (when he had only wanted one), he left the army because I didn't want to be an Army wife.

These arguments used to happen about once a month - I could live with it. Now its more like once a week, sometimes twice. I can't take this level of anger for much longer.

I wonder if he realises that in all likelihood his mother thought the same, that because you love each other it's all okay?

But I'm confused. In your OP you said "He usually apologises and accepts responsibility for the arguments at a later point, maybe an hour or two later." but then in your reply to me you said "He's good at using his explanation of exactly how I upset him as a way of badgering me into prolonging the argument". So does he actually not apologise and accept responsibility? But rather calm down to the point where he can articulate the way in which it is (again) your fault? That isn't an apology.

In reply to the question in your thread title...

The answer is NO.

you are in an abusive relationship. It will only get worse. You don't have to live like this.

If you allow this to carry on, exposing your girls to this, they too will grow up to look for men like their father. Their very lives could be snuffed out by a partner that's just like daddy, but more...

You can't manage a 'man' like this, you can't reason with them, you can't appeal to a better nature (it's a false face designed only to manipulate) he is choosing to abuse you and your children, you, atm, are choosing to allow him.

Try counselling (NOT with him, NEVER with him) oh and tranx/Antidepressants too, it'll be putting a sticky plaster over a gaping and mortal wound, it'll be a complete waste of time.

It won't do any good either, as the problem isn't with you. He won't change, why should he?

with the best intentions, I urge you to Wake up and see what's going on, what harm's being done, to you and the girls, see what they are learning from the environment they're being raised in.

Sorry to be so negative, but there's almost definitely no chance of this guy ever being nice to you long term.

Op I recommend you read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. It's about abusive relationships. He reiterates that a shit childhood is no excuse for abuse.

No it is not possible to manage a controlling husband IMO, it is your husband that needs to find a better way to manage his issues left over from a crappy childhood, you could try counselling yourself, it might give you a better insight as to why he is the way he is but it won't stop you havin to bare the brunt of it or stop your dc witnessing it as they grow up and go on to mimick some of the behaviour themselves

This man loves you yet deliberately picks a fight with you till you cry and he "forgives you". What an odd way to love someone. This man is a bully and a control freak. And you are enabling this behaviour to continue by putting up with it and staying with him.

When I read the title of your post my immediate thought was you can't 'manage' anybody's behaviour - all you can control is your reaction to it. But this behaviour does seem extreme.

I've been doing some reading recently about emotional unavailability. is fascinating and might give you some food for thought?

Have you considered a trial separation? Say you simply can't take the blame and the arguments and the controlling bullshit, and that he needs to move out for a couple weeks or a month for you to get your head together. You might just need a bit of space from this to figure out how to move forward. Actually, it might make him wake up the seriousness of his actions.

Tribpot The pattern of our arguments is that what I think should be a storm in a teacup 'oh you did this, oh you did that, get cross, apologise, all over' actually becomes 'you did this, oh you did that, get cross, demand explanations, explanations aren't good enough, well you did this, demand more explanantions, some periods of not talking, more you shouldn;t have done this, then I cry and he comforts me'.

Then later I will get a genuine apology, and he has started to accept that in the middle of the argument winning and being right is the most important thing. He can later reflect that the argument began over unimportant things.

HoudiniHissy and toptramp I am sorry but I disagree, he may be emotionally unstable but he is not abusive. He is generous to a fault with his money (he gives me it all), he does not cheat, is not violent and his genuinely sorry for his outbursts. He absolutely loves me, is generous is bed and prior t the last six months I would have put his anger down to fault I could live with. am not in anyway afraid of him and I often end up crying through frustration more than any other reason.

I was going to suggest books as well like toptramp. Does he agree he has a problem but just not feel able to go to counselling because he is such a private person. The I would suggest you try out some books, that either he reads or you both read, then you would both have the tools and vocabulary to discuss the problems.

You could also go to counselling by yourself and I am sure you would get advice as well which you could use, or share with DH.

You are 'putting up' with his behaviour because you want to keep your family together.

Either you put a stake in the ground and stop it now, or you risk it escalating.

It is domestic abuse.

If not for your sake, but for your children, stop it now. Either by making him face up to that fact that he shouldn't treat ANYONE he loves like this or by leaving.

You are suffering from emotional abuse, love

Have you seen the long-running support thread ?, it is fantastic.

You shouldn't have to "manage" somebody else's behaviour. He is a grown-up and childhood issues are no excuse. He chooses to treat you like this. Does he speak to his friends, work colleagues or boss like this ? He is using passive aggression and your children are learning at his feet

It's a damaging lesson for a little girl to watch her mummy pussyfoot around on eggshells and appease a dominating man.

I would urge you to get some counselling on your own account, not to learn how to "manage" (in other words, put up with) his behaviour, but to enable you to become strong enough to put a stop to it once and for all, or to see that you deserve better

Please do not consider joint relationship counselling with this man

I also think that counselling on your own may prove a bad idea. It will feed right into what your OP suggests... that you can find a way to understand and to manage. That way it will always be your fault, because you aren't managing his crap well enough.

Then later I will get a genuine apology - so he must want to change his behaviour, doesn't he? If he's genuinely apologising for it.

Since the arguments became more frequent it does bother me that DD1 has witnessed some of them. I have considered a trial separation, perhaps over the summer holidays but the only place I can take the DD's is my mother's houe - 300 miles away and I would have to quit my job. I would rather find a 'script' to break this pattern of behaviour.

It's interesting that you think I am enabling his behaviour. Is there no alternative to leaving him that I could try? It is v drastic considering the whole picture - DD's losing their father etc.