It's not normal not to fancy your husband any more is it? Help needed.

[MaybeICan]

I'm almost terrified typing these words out, because suddenly it will become real. PLEASE don't flame me for not addressing it sooner...

So, in a nutshell. I've been with DH for 15 years. We have been married for 7. We have 2 DCs, who are 2 and 4. I do remember a time when I fancied him. In the very beginning. For maybe 2 years. But since then, my desire for him has really dwindled. I decided to marry him despite knowing this because he is a really wonderful person, I knew he'd be a great Dad and husband and he is both of those things.

But it's got to the point now where for the last few years I find sex with him either just about tolerable (with alcohol) to unbearable (without alcohol - and here we're talking 'cry in the bathroom afterwards'). in the last month, I just can't bring myself to do it at all, I cannot bear the thought. I can't put it easily in words, I love him but I have absolutely zero desire for him.

I feel absolutely awful, he is a lovely man who deserves a loving wife who wants to sleep with him, for goodness' sake. Until now, I have tried so hard, I have sex regularly with him because I love him, if that makes sense. But now I just can't anymore. Nothing special has happened, it's like I can't force myself through the charade any more.

I don't want to drip feed, but there's nothing else to say. I love him. He's great in every way. He hasn't done anything wrong. There have been no changes in our life. He is putting this current reluctance down to work stress and is not pressurising me. I don't come from an abusive background. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

One last thing. this isn't a lack of libido on my part. I look at other men (never do anything of course), I pleasure myself IYSWIM etc. I am so scared of falling into an affair at some point. But I look at the future and I feel like crying, I can't bear another 40 or 50 years of life like this.

I am terrified of telling him as well. How do I break "I haven't fancied you for years and I can't see every wanting to have sex with you again"?

Please help.

[Ajjjames]

I know this post was started sometime ago and don't know if you are still following it but I am in a similar situation myself and wondered how yours resolved?? I've been married for 7 years, have 2 lo's who are 4 and 5 and have been feeling this way for a while. Just lately I can't bear to be intimate with dh. It's nothing he has done I just don't have the desire anymore 🙁 Like yourself I can easily pleasure myself I just can't bear the thought of him touching me and I don't know where to go from here. He has asked if there is someone else etc and there absolutely isn't. I just don't want him. I love him I really do, he is the best dad and generally very supportive etc. I need to raise this with him but I'm not sure how to go about it ☹️ X

[FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty]

AFC start a thread of your own in the relationships topic. This thread is really old and many people won't want to comment on it and those who do will be reading from the start and replying to the original poster. X

[Cavogirl]

OP
Very brave post.
Please don't have sex with him again feeling this way, it's horrible for you to feel that way, he would not want this and I think this is making the situation worse .
Get some counselling and think outside the box because those 2 dc will really want you to be together .
Good luck xx

[Bubblebath01]

Do you think you suffered post natal depression? It is a huge minefield, but maybe your feelings are related to a difficult childbirth, or inability to cope post childbirth, which we brush under the carpet, but nonetheless undermines confidence in your self, in you as a mother, rather than as a partner?

[LuluJakey1]

People are different.

Before I met DH I had a DP who had been in a lng term relationship - 13 years- where they had not had sex for 5 of those. She had lost all interest in him sexually.

My best friend is married with two teenage children and has not had sex with her husband since the second one was born. They are very happy, they have what they both wanted and get on well. He works abroad- don't know what he gets up to but they will not split up.

I have been with DH 8 years, married 7, 20m old Ds and still have a very physical relationship. But for the first time a few months ago we had a 'patch' where I just had no response to him during sex and couldn't wait for it to be over. No idea what it was about. It passed. Might it happen again- I hope not but I don't know.

People are different. If you can live with it that would be one thing but if it makes you cry to have sex with him I can't see how you can live with it -
unless he can live without the sex and still be happy.

Would you go and talk to someone about it by yourself. You could go to Relate. They see individuals. It might help you decide if this is something that there is a way back from or not.

[LuluJakey1]

Oh I didn't see the Zombie! Grr!

[Greenandmighty]

Maybe I can, I can empathise with your story. Mine very similar. I won't say how long it is since was intimate with DH. I try to force myself to think about DTD but I just can't. It's awful because he's a good person, but I just don't fancy him. Like you, it's nothing to do with libido because that's alive and kicking. I agree that there are times I just think it's almost natural that we won't fancy the same person forever but then at other times I think you maybe need to have a fantastic sexual chemistry from the start to make it last. It's a sadness in my life. But I know what you mean, it seems devastating to split with a partner who is in many other ways stable and with whom we have a long history.

[Bikingmum]

Hi MaybelCan. I realise this thread is rather old but I have only recently read it. I was just wondering how things have turned out for you?

[Elesnap]

This could actually have been written by me at the moment. I see that it was 6 years ago and am curious to know the outcome of this post as I'm in pretty much the exact same situation 😢

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

Ive read my initial reply to this thread and I'm afraid my story has no happy ending. My husband and I split up 3 years ago.

[dilly123]

I was in the same position as you op..

It is a very difficult one to address.. I did choose to break up our family & I took our dd & moved out.. the last 2 years of our marriage were completely sexless..

... was the grass greener on the other side?. For me no! 10 years later he's remarried & I'm still single going from one disastrous thing/relationship/horrible man to another. In hindsight would I have stayed & worked on our sexual relationship.. yes I would. I obviously have no idea if it could have been fixed but if everything else is good then it's worth a try.

For every woman who has a similar story to me I'm sure there's one that can say moving on is the best thing she did & is now in a happy sexual relationship with someone new.. but being a single parent & dating nowadays is bloody hard work.

[Lalotai47]

I could have written your post a few years ago, OP, right down to the reasons for marrying. I am 41 and we are now separated but coparenting amicably. I know he is good-looking, intelligent, funny and a great dad. He will likely be snapped up by someone soon. But the attraction just vanished for ever for me. The thought of him touching me does repulse me.

Also, I know for sure that a long relationship does NOT have to equate to not fancying each other. It might not be the same as the honeymoon period but there should be some attraction there. My in laws are in their 60s and still snog!

[Corastiredmummy]

Hi OP...I've just come across your post and I wanted to reach out and see if you were able to resolve the issue? I am in almost the same boat, perhaps not as severe but definitely heading that way and it's devastating me.

[Corastiredmummy]

Same here @Elesnap, it's horrible isn't it. It makes me sad every time I think about it. I love my husband with all my heart, I just wish I wanted to ravish him every minute of the day like I did in the beginning and like he still does want to with me. So frustrating!

[ittakes2]

I think you need to go get counselling. If you are making yourself have sex with him..no wonder you are crying afterwards. Go to a counsellor and unravel your feelings. You never know - once the pressure is off and you are both open and honest with each other this might have a positive impact on your relationship.

[BMW6]

LOL is this the thread that will not die?

[takingflight2018]

Stupid zombies 🧟‍♂️

[jessstan2]

It's quite normal. Don't feel guilty, it may come back as your children grow older and you have more time to yourselves. Just be loving and affectionate for now.

[madcatman]

OK reality check. Are you that nice. Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself how many credits am I worth. I bet with all the wrinkles and tired look not as much. I am sick and tired of people saying I'm so worth spending everything on and not giving back and you find there picture there no better than hiding under a bridge waiting for there next meal troll.

[madcatman]

PS I am not vein but have been told I am very good looking. Even my wif has heard it from other women. Do I CARE .NO. LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR YOU WILL SEE YOIUR TRUE WORTH WITCH

[yorkshirepud44]

Madcatman, you sound like a proper catch

[Tillymoomoo]

I can totally relate to you. I am 39 with three children. Me and my hubby have been married for 14 years together 16. Five years ago I caught him out using porn and visiting single sites. We went to a relate and decided that our relationship has taken lots of blows. 5 miscarriages and death in the family. I am now were you are. Even when he goes to hug me I flinch. And can only have sex with drink in me. And that really depresses me. He is kind, attractive, funny and a brilliant dad. But I have lost all lust towards him. Even the way he chews grates me. I feel like I'm a selfish bitch. As in regards I have it all. Nice house, good hubby. But when it comes to sexual contact it's nil. He will often say what's wrong im only going to give you a hug, I make an excuse, have to get the lunches made etc. I really don't fancy him at all but love him like a brother. And would hate to split and cause him and kids heartache as they and me are his world. And I would just feel so bad for him in a house by himself and lonely. His cousin commuted suicide to a bad relationship 10 years ago, and that's in the back off my head all the time. As my husband is very deep. I feel like I'm just here to kids are grown and then we will have nothing to talk about. I actually dread going away for the night. As we sit quiet. But when he have a few drinks we lighten up. I hate feeling like this. And I know it's alot of trust issues with me. But if I'm honest I felt like this before I caught him online. Which makes me think I drove him there. My goodness I can't belive I have actually this down in words. Am very grateful to have found this thread. I have never discussed this before even with friends. We have sex once a month. I'm not looking at other men and to be honest think I would be happier in my own. Thanks for letting me rant.