It's not normal not to fancy your husband any more is it? Help needed.

[MaybeICan]

I'm almost terrified typing these words out, because suddenly it will become real. PLEASE don't flame me for not addressing it sooner...

So, in a nutshell. I've been with DH for 15 years. We have been married for 7. We have 2 DCs, who are 2 and 4. I do remember a time when I fancied him. In the very beginning. For maybe 2 years. But since then, my desire for him has really dwindled. I decided to marry him despite knowing this because he is a really wonderful person, I knew he'd be a great Dad and husband and he is both of those things.

But it's got to the point now where for the last few years I find sex with him either just about tolerable (with alcohol) to unbearable (without alcohol - and here we're talking 'cry in the bathroom afterwards'). in the last month, I just can't bring myself to do it at all, I cannot bear the thought. I can't put it easily in words, I love him but I have absolutely zero desire for him.

I feel absolutely awful, he is a lovely man who deserves a loving wife who wants to sleep with him, for goodness' sake. Until now, I have tried so hard, I have sex regularly with him because I love him, if that makes sense. But now I just can't anymore. Nothing special has happened, it's like I can't force myself through the charade any more.

I don't want to drip feed, but there's nothing else to say. I love him. He's great in every way. He hasn't done anything wrong. There have been no changes in our life. He is putting this current reluctance down to work stress and is not pressurising me. I don't come from an abusive background. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

One last thing. this isn't a lack of libido on my part. I look at other men (never do anything of course), I pleasure myself IYSWIM etc. I am so scared of falling into an affair at some point. But I look at the future and I feel like crying, I can't bear another 40 or 50 years of life like this.

I am terrified of telling him as well. How do I break "I haven't fancied you for years and I can't see every wanting to have sex with you again"?

Please help.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

What you have said is exactly what my friend said when she made the decision to leave her husband after 6 years of no sex (nothing wrong with her libido but she felt repulsed at the thought of having sex with her husband despite him being a decent man). She said that if she didn't end the marriage, she probably would have fallen for someone else and had an affair - far more painful and messy for all concerned.

[Fishandjam]

maybe, apologies if this is an intrusive question, but are you on any kind of hormonal contraception? The reason I ask is that when I was (the pill and then the jab) my libido dropped through the floor. Couldn't bear to have my lovely DH even touch me. Everything improved radically once I came off the contraceptives (because we wanted to TTC).

I know you say you don't think it's a libido problem for you but I thought it was an avenue worth exploring?

[MaybeICan]

madabouthotchoc I wish I could meet your friend and talk to her. I feel so bloody abnormal...

fishandjam no, I'm not. I was on the pill but came off 5 years ago to have my children and if anything, I've wanted him even less since. But thanks for trying! x

[ameliagrey]

I think the reason you are getting polarised views is that each couple is different.

But what I do think IS true is that the intensity and frequency of sex declines from what it was during the first flush of love. It has to. You can't go on like that for 50 years!

What counts is what your starting point was- so if you never ever wanted to tear off his clothes, you aren't going to now- are you?

if your "tear off clothes" scale was 5 on a scale of 1-10 when you got together then it's not surprising it might be a 1 or lower now! whereas couples who had a 10/10 score in the early days will be happy to settle for a comfy 5-6/10 during a long marriage.

[fotheringhay]

Well done for making the appointment! I need to see one for something else and I'm all talk and no action

[MaybeICan]

Thanks fotheringay - I am so nervous, but at least someone has to listen to me.... x

[MissFaversham]

Take it from a middle aged woman - YES OP you do only have one life and you deserve to be happy sweetheart.



Good luck!

[MaybeICan]

Oh MissFaversham i think I love you.

I promise you (and I promise myself) that I won't try to close Pandora's box again. I am going to start down this rocky path and if the answer is going separate ways, then that is what I am going to have to do. THANK YOU - and thank you to everyone who took the time to reply. I might update in due course...

[ConfusedMumOfTwo]

Hi MaybeIcan, I'm in the same position as you have described and just wanted to ask how you got on with counselling as I'm wondering if that's what I should do

Thanks

[Anonigirl]

MaybeICan - i know this thread is old. What did you do? How did you get on? Are you happier now? Please share...

[Ddaisy77]

Hi Anonigirl.. I'm reading the same old thread, in a similar position & wondering same. Is it same for you?

[Picklesontheside]

I'm in the same boat too (how sad!). Married because he swept me off my feet and I was nervous I wouldn't meet someone else. Always knew deep down that I wasn't 'in love' but business of work, life and kids avoided the truth somehow. Having to make some major life decisions now around moving cities and realised I don't mind moving but not with him. I'm in counselling too and he is saying that I am finally being true to myself. However like OP, my kids and I are my husband's life, everyone is happy except me and I feel like a selfish bastard putting everyone in this position and messing up everyone's life because I'm 'not happy'. However I'm about to move cities, change jobs and I don't know how I can also cope with a breakup at the same time but I think it's inevitable (and that terrifies me) but I can only handle so much change at once.

However I too am not attracted to my husband and I dread sex with him yet fantasise about old boyfriends.

It's scary thinking about tossing in the towel and the repercussions for every

[Picklesontheside]

Oops, pressed 'post' not return! Anyway I meant to say its scary but I also feel a sense of relief when I think about leaving and being more myself again.

Wishing everyone struggling with this good luck. Loved your comments Mrs Faversham.

[Blueuggboots]

When I met my exH, I thought he was an amazing person, found him very attractive facially, loved bring around him....then the first time we had sex, it was a bit meh. hairy shoulders don't help
It got a bit better but we had massively mismatched libidos (I wanted it a few times a week, he was happy with about once a month) and he wanted me to dress up in prostitute outfits sexy clothes which made me feel I wasn't enough...
He liked to think of sex as dirty I blame Catholicism for that! which drove me crackers.
I now realise we were so badly mismatched on so many levels and got married really quickly which hid a lot of them.....

[SolidGoldBrass]

Definitely start with some counselling. And if you realise, with the help of a counsellor, that you really do want to end your marriage, it's ok to do that. No one owes anyone else a continuing sexual and romantic relationship. If your H is a nice man you may well be able to maintain a happy co-parenting relationship in future (though it will take a while if his feelings are badly hurt, before you can be really friendly, but it's doabel.)

[LividofLondon]

I don't have any advice I'm afraid Maybe. You mentioned you were fine for the first 2 years, where you found him desirable, but now don't; has he changed a lot since you first met, or do you think it's nothing at all to do with him IYKWIM.

[SirRaymondClench]

For those of you that are battling lack of libido due to hormonal issues (pill, menopause etc) you know you can get testosterone gel/implants from your GP right?

[Brabra]

I have been with my husband forever. Well about 18 years, but that feels like forever. We go through peaks and troughs. I didn't really fancy him much for a couple of years, which was the longest. We did get it back, but I think it very much depends on other life events too. I absolutely love my career (late starter, I had my children first) and I was spending most of my time working and studying, so my relationship took a back seat. Could that be what has happened to you?

[FatherJake]

OP from what you have posted what you are looking for seems to be a green light to leave your husband, take your kids and go off and fill your boots. You say you don't want to be flamed but frankly your behaviour is pretty horrific. I have no doubt you'll do a couple of rounds of therapy, decide you've tried and then go off and do your own thing. As someone posted up the thread, you will then be screwing up three people's lives because you've suddenly decided you shouldn't be deprived of someone who makes you go weak at the knees.

[Bindibach]

Since the OP posted two years ago it would be interesting to see how it worked out .

[Sunab]

When read this i just want to cry because this is how i feel right now i still love him but i dont fancy him anymore(in fact i never fancy him but he's a good guy)
I dont know what to do, i cant leave because we have 2 kids together and i dont want to hurt my kids feeling so i have to carry on hurting my own feeling.

[Mumyum1]

I do like Hattytown's post!! And would also agree that you should go for individual counselling.

I think you did not perhaps make such a mistake when you got married. As calculating as it may sound, you chose a life partner based on his character, which given the divorce stats of 50% etc etc is not a bad thing to base choice on.

I'm not an advocate of arranged marriages, but they are no more doomed than a 'normal' marriage, to failure. I can't tell you stats, but I can say I know a number of people who have had such a marriage be successful, and I think it's because the approach is different, ie choosing someone of good character etc and believing the love and respect that will grow from a shared goal, is worth the work and worth skipping the fireworks of a live marriage. So perhaps you could rewrite your script.

Either the situation changes, or your attitude changes. I have been with DH for almost 10 years and since our LB was born 7 months ago I have found him less and less attractive. Which is a shame as he is finally fulfilling his potential from a financial point of view! But my mother tells me it's not abnormal to go through phases such as this, and anyway, we are good friends DH and I and I have sort of told him how I feel and that I think it's a phase. Mom has been married to my father for 43 years and they are very happy, dad had prostate Ca and surgery and now has erectile problems which mom told me devastated him, so without TMI she suggested they were still at it. Which gives me hope!!!!

Not sure how much sense any of this makes to anyone, hope it's helpful !

[grumpasaur]

What an interesting post, and replies, it has really made me think. I have only ever had one relationship were I have had an unrelenting sexual desire for my partner - an unfortunately that was an abusive relationship where sex was the only good thing. Even that became abusive in the end!

However I can really relate to your post. I was once with a man for four years, engaged to be married, etc. he was everything you describe- kind, gentle, sweet, would have made a great husband and father. Also really a good looking guy! But after about two years, every time we had sex I cried!!! Looking back I realise I cried because it was the only time that I couldn't pretend deep down that he was the one for me. I loved him but it was not in love with him. More with the idea of what he offered me.

He is now happily married, and so am I. Ending it was so hard as I know I broke his heart into pieces, but I genuinely believe it was the right decision for both of us in the end. He was so kind he deserved someone who loved him as much as he loved them.

My husband now- he isn't my 'type' physically (in fact ex fiancé was exactly my type physically, ironically) but i do fancy him. Admittedly the degree to which I fancy him ebbs and flows, but it's always here somewhere if you see what I mean?

[trappedinsuburbia]

Can definitely relate to this.
What helped me was taking a good look at myself first, I was slightly overweight which made me feel very unsexy, I allowed housework, childcare etc to become my only focus, in short I felt fat and fed up, I looked at my partner with the same feeling of drudgery as I felt for everything.
I think I was a bit depressed, but I knew I loved him deep down and used to fancy him alot!
I worked on myself and am sorting out some hormone issues, am back at work and doing little things to make me feel like me again, not just the housemaid ! In short im trying to find my naughty side again and its definitely improving my view of my partner.

[davrostheholy]

I am a bloke whose first wife (some years ago now) did something similar.
We got married, had loads of sex at first.. had a son and by the time he was five she could not bear me touching her!
We tried everything - Relate sex therapy and so on. I realise now that is was pointless. She just did not want to have sex. She told me she had no libido. I resigned myself to a minimal sex life because I loved her.
Turned out it wasn't that she didn't want sex - she just didn't want it with me! She started showing all the signs of an affair, and one evening I challenged her. I got the "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" speech.
About a week later I found her in bed with a work colleague.
So there you go - I was homeless, separated from my family.
I guess she followed the OP pattern - settled for me because I was safe, dependable, good dad material etc etc but ultimately couldn't live the lie.
Fair enough, we all make mistakes.
That was in 1999, and I am happily married again, so I can look at it with a bit of perspective. Seems to me that there are quite a few women who settle for someone who ticks the most boxes, and fall in love with the idea of being married and having a family, rather than falling in love with the man himself, and the family being a natural product of that love.
That all seems somewhat unfair on those "decent" men who by definition, give everything to their family, and find out that their wife, who refuses them sex, will shag anyone BUT them!
Before I get flamed, I am well aware that Men get married for the wrong reasons, and are no angels, but we are talking about a specific issue here!