It's not normal not to fancy your husband any more is it? Help needed.

[MaybeICan]

I'm almost terrified typing these words out, because suddenly it will become real. PLEASE don't flame me for not addressing it sooner...

So, in a nutshell. I've been with DH for 15 years. We have been married for 7. We have 2 DCs, who are 2 and 4. I do remember a time when I fancied him. In the very beginning. For maybe 2 years. But since then, my desire for him has really dwindled. I decided to marry him despite knowing this because he is a really wonderful person, I knew he'd be a great Dad and husband and he is both of those things.

But it's got to the point now where for the last few years I find sex with him either just about tolerable (with alcohol) to unbearable (without alcohol - and here we're talking 'cry in the bathroom afterwards'). in the last month, I just can't bring myself to do it at all, I cannot bear the thought. I can't put it easily in words, I love him but I have absolutely zero desire for him.

I feel absolutely awful, he is a lovely man who deserves a loving wife who wants to sleep with him, for goodness' sake. Until now, I have tried so hard, I have sex regularly with him because I love him, if that makes sense. But now I just can't anymore. Nothing special has happened, it's like I can't force myself through the charade any more.

I don't want to drip feed, but there's nothing else to say. I love him. He's great in every way. He hasn't done anything wrong. There have been no changes in our life. He is putting this current reluctance down to work stress and is not pressurising me. I don't come from an abusive background. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

One last thing. this isn't a lack of libido on my part. I look at other men (never do anything of course), I pleasure myself IYSWIM etc. I am so scared of falling into an affair at some point. But I look at the future and I feel like crying, I can't bear another 40 or 50 years of life like this.

I am terrified of telling him as well. How do I break "I haven't fancied you for years and I can't see every wanting to have sex with you again"?

Please help.

I have been with MrFab for 16 years and he gets better looking all the time. I was never that pretty and have got worse. Sometimes I look at him and think phoargh and other times nothing but one can't be thinking about sex all the time. I have kids and animals to care for! . We have totally mismatched libidos and it is upsetting. You both deserve to live a full life. Talk to someone before you break his heart. I hope you can work it out.

I am in the same boat.Not a moment goes by when i dont think what a mistake my marriage has been.Been married for 11 years.He is very nice, fairminded,hard working, wealthy, generous, a good father and a caring husband, but i just do not fancy him anymore.Infact,I do not think i ever did as he is not my type at all.Once the initial excitement wore off, the harsh realisation that i am trapped has set in.I am only 34and i am worried life is passing me by and if i dont take action now, i will lose my chance.But we have a lovely 5 year old who loves us equally and who is very happy.I do not want to screw his life up which is why i dont think i will ever leave.My misery has been compounded by my younger sister's perfect love life with her movie star like husband.They are forever holding hands, demonstrating love which makes my life even more miserable.But then how do i know what my life would have been like with another man?he might have been very handsome but a total bastard.So i choose to be in this marriage with a really nice and loving guy rather than walk away facing the unknown.

This book, Mating in Captivity, which I found on Amazon last night looks absolutely brilliant and I'm going to read it asap. I really recommend checking it out.

For me, what's most 'not normal' about what you describe is that you feel absolutely no physical desire for your husband at all. I do think that is the unusual bit - plenty of people could identify with the pot going off the boil after 15 years together and 2 children but to feel so repulsed by your partner to the point where you're crying about it afterwards is definitely unusual.

Do you shrink away if he tries to hug you or kiss you or is it just purely sex that turns you off, rather than overall physical contact? If it's just the sex, then maybe there is an issue with your libido generally that you could talk to a counsellor about or ask your GP about. I know you say that you look at other men all the time etc but there's a difference between looking and dreaming and actual sex.

I don't want to play the amateur sex therapist here or anything(!) so instead I'll just say that that might be one avenue to explore. Talk to your husband honestly, tell him that it's not a reflection on him but that the spark is not there for you anymore and you'd like to see a sex therapist to see if you could improve things. It would be worth a try at least because it would be a shame to throw away what sounds like a solid relationship for the sake of sex alone, especially if there's a chance that you could resolve the issue with some help.

I can really relate to your situation, you are not alone! DH and I very rarely have sex these days and, like you, I feel like I am missing out on such an important part of my life but I can't justify leaving and devastating my children for the purpose of my sex life!

What I would say is think very carefully before speaking to DH and I agree that discussing with a counsellor first is a good idea. It sounds like it is going to be a deeply upsetting conversation for your DH so you really need to be sure of what you're saying.

I'll be watching the thread closely to see if I can take any advice from it!

No one has mentioned that you still have very young children, 4 and 2, and many many women find their sexual desire dips drastically when they have young children. I know you think you have more issues than that, but if the relationship is otherwise good, do think about the effect of little ones on your libido and don't rush into anything drastic!

I am so grateful for everyone's responses. Interesting take on 'scripts'. and I will definitely check out 'Mating in Captivity'... I think you're all right really. I need to tell him that my spark has gone and that we really should see a counsellor. That is the first step. x

and I really sad to hear that other women feel the same as me. I'm sorry, it is really rubbish :(

It might be kinder to have some therapy on your own just now, rather than couples counselling. I think first you need to say this stuff out loud to someone who won't be hurt to hear it.

If you have felt this way for this long massive hugs and I felt that way with first hubby and could only feel that way for 3 months before we parted, I was pretending to have a migraine (never actually had 1) pretend to be asleep etc etc

I take it you have tried the I think we need to reignite some romance with date nights etc and have tried the usual

I am one of the lucky ones though I have been with my current hubby for 8 yrs and dont ever think I would feel that way with him like I did with ex

Agree about therapy on your own first, then you might be able to work out whether it's something you'd be willing to split up over or not, and plan some of the words you'll use when you bring it up with dh.

Best of luck

This sounds a lot like me!!

I've been with DH for 20 years now and we've definitely had more downs than ups. Sometimes I feel like I really really love him and at other times I hate the bastard!!!

I did go through a phase about 5 years ago where he repulsed me and I couldn't bear to be near him. I realise now that I had actually been depressed (lots of crap at work) and for some reason it realised itself to me wanting to be on my own. We downsized in case one of us wanted out (so the mortgage would be manageable for one) but we are still here 5 years later.

I do know that he is the one I can rely on for anything. Yes he can be a git and yes, my libido does not match his at all. People that I've confided in over the years have asked me why I'm with him and at times I don't know why but deep down I do love him even though most of the time I don't fancy him.

I don't think that's odd, just my life. I applaud those that still find their love growing year by year but for me it just isn't like that.

That doesn't mean our relationship is not as fulfilling as others, at least to me anyway.

I agree that counselling is the way forward before you throw in the towel. Good luck

I think what you are describing is relatively normal - even the bit about not having strong sexual chemistry in the beginning. I think women (and probably men too) do not base decisions about life partners (ie: partners you are planning on raising children with) primarily on sexual chemistry. Yes, it is fantastic if you are able to have sizzling sexual chemistry at the beginning and for the next 40 years! But we are living in the real world here. Sometimes you cannot find the entire package - hot sex, Brad Pitt looks, amazing intelligence, comfortably off, witty, kind, great with kids, lovely family and friends, own hair, teeth etc etc. Someone comes along who you get on great with, who you know would be a good dad and won't drive you insane with annoying habits - and at the time it seems like madness to let them go. The biological clock may be ticking blah, blah.

When I look around at the couples I know in very long term relationships, I cannot think of a single one where there is still a glint in one or other's eyes at the thought of a night of sex with their spouse. And in fact many do not have sex at all. I am not saying there are not couples who are out there who are still dying to tear off each other's clothes every night, it's just that I haven't come across them.

The bit that bothers me is that you seem to be repulsed by the idea - although again I imagine that is not THAT unusual however I would personally would find that difficult. A lot of the time I am ambivalent about sex but, given the right circumstances, I can get in the mood and enjoy it - especially on holiday when we are away from all the day to day grind.

That's interesting Tadpoles, but when I think of my own very long term relationship and those of some friends, the ones in which the sexual chemistry is still very much alive and kicking are all relationships that started and got established long before having children. So our partners' parenting or earning abilities weren't part of the equation at all in the initial 'couple fit'. What was in the equation at the time was shared intelligence and values, sense of humour, friendship and enormous sexual chemistry and compatibilty .

Whereas other couples I've met who paired because of clocks ticking or boredom with single life seem to have had a mental dialogue of "he'll do" and invariably this causes problems further down the line.

I think it's better to acknowledge that the libidinous impulse is very strong in human beings even though it might wax and wane throughout the years.

I think the other moral to the story is 'never settle' because that will lead to misery, unhappiness and rejection sooner or later. And if you have settled and realised it, it's much kinder on everyone (children included) to release both of you, before more hurts are suffered.

Tadpoles how depressing. i do agree with hatty when u get together young u do it for reasons more like sex appeal and romance so u r much more likely to want to jump their bones even many years on

I've been with DP for almost 20 years - and think it is perfectly normal not to "fancy" him the same way I did in the early years. At first our relationship was based almost soley on sex, but now it is so much more than that. Although I don't want to jump on him every time I see him anymore I love him more deeply than I ever thought possible. I can't imagine life without him, I wouldn't want life without him. There are still times when I look at him and think "phwooaaar!", but unlike the early days when we just went to bed, these days there's always something that gets in the way. I've never met anyone who I fancy more than DP.

I don't think that we have "settled", but we have "settled down together" - which is different.

That's interesting Tadpoles, but when I think of my own very long term relationship and those of some friends, the ones in which the sexual chemistry is still very much alive and kicking are all relationships that started and got established long before having children.

That's very true in my experience - when I talk to friends about their marriages, the ones who are unhappy or divorced or separated are often those who never enjoyed that sizzling chemistry during the early days.

Whereas other couples I've met who paired because of clocks ticking

Yes but isn't that the bum deal women are dealt in life? That there's a small window to find The One you're totally compatible with on every level, and if you don't - which let's face it, many, many women don't - you suddenly realise that there isn't much time left to find The One AND have kids etc?

That doesn't mean our relationship is not as fulfilling as others, at least to me anyway.

I agree with you Loz. There's a tendency on MN to reject the idea that you can't have a fulfilling relationship without 'swinging from the chandeliers' sex being part of it. I rate my dh's abilities as a Dad and as a person in general far higher than what our sex is like, how often we do it etc.

Saying that OP, the fact that you feel violated after sex with a person you love the way you love your DH is worrying. I'd say go the route of counselling on your own first.

I really don't think that having a bit of a dipping libido as the years wear on or in the early days of having children, or perhaps not wanting to jump on your husband all the time, is quite what the OP is getting at.

She hasn't fancied him for 13 years, can only have sex drunk or it's deeply unpleasant, and feels violated and cries quite often afterwards.

Sorry, I don't think this is 'normal' and even if it was, it's horrible for everyone.

If I found out my husband felt like that about me, I would be absolutely devastated and want to leave myself.

Second all who said you went for safe OP. Now after years of feeling like you have had to have sex its all too much. Which sounds like a very natural reaction.

I know you said you don't want to hurt your husband and you and the kids are his life. These are "his" feelings and you aren't responsible for them, only he is.

Go to councilling by yourself to work through your options etc. just so you can look yourself in the mirror and say you tried.

Then its honesty time OP. You are allowed to leave a relationship that no longer works for "you" and makes "you" unhappy.

I'd say that those of you who are married for say 15 years plus and still find the sexual chemistry there, as well as all the other things women want in a man are BLOODY LUCKY! and not the "norm".

Many of my friends are 25 years married now and some have no sex life at all. They have companionship and children together, but not a lot of bedroom action. In most cases it is not to do with dwindling libidos, but being a bit fed up with their dull husbands.

I am not denyng that some couples have it all- kindness, faithfulness, good father, reliable, steady jobs etc etc- but you are the minority. Most women I know would say there is "something" about their DH that they do not like and many say they would not settle for him again if they started all over again.

OP sex begins in the head. If you find your DH repulsive you have to ask what it is that is underneath that feeling. I can imagine you being indifferent but the feelings you express go beyond that.

As for crying afterwards- i think you are crying for your "loss" not necessarily for what has just happened ( ie the sex)- you are upset because in some way he is not measuring up to what you want in a man.

I am truly touched by all your responses. It's funny how there is a bit of a divide: some people say that most long term relationships end up with not fancying your H anymore, and others say that that's just not the case...

You are allowed to leave a relationship that no longer works for "you" and makes "you" unhappy - this is a quote which I will hold on to, I think.

I have made an appointment with a counsellor to see what I can do. I am really keen to explore why this is missing here.

and you know what? this is going to sound awful but I've had my kids now. I don't have a clock ticking. I don't have to settle.

and we're all a long time dead...

and I'm only 38...

I think that you love him like a brother/father figure or a close male friend and therefore having sex makes you feel violated, because it just goes against your feelings for that person.