It's not normal not to fancy your husband any more is it? Help needed.

[MaybeICan]

I'm almost terrified typing these words out, because suddenly it will become real. PLEASE don't flame me for not addressing it sooner...

So, in a nutshell. I've been with DH for 15 years. We have been married for 7. We have 2 DCs, who are 2 and 4. I do remember a time when I fancied him. In the very beginning. For maybe 2 years. But since then, my desire for him has really dwindled. I decided to marry him despite knowing this because he is a really wonderful person, I knew he'd be a great Dad and husband and he is both of those things.

But it's got to the point now where for the last few years I find sex with him either just about tolerable (with alcohol) to unbearable (without alcohol - and here we're talking 'cry in the bathroom afterwards'). in the last month, I just can't bring myself to do it at all, I cannot bear the thought. I can't put it easily in words, I love him but I have absolutely zero desire for him.

I feel absolutely awful, he is a lovely man who deserves a loving wife who wants to sleep with him, for goodness' sake. Until now, I have tried so hard, I have sex regularly with him because I love him, if that makes sense. But now I just can't anymore. Nothing special has happened, it's like I can't force myself through the charade any more.

I don't want to drip feed, but there's nothing else to say. I love him. He's great in every way. He hasn't done anything wrong. There have been no changes in our life. He is putting this current reluctance down to work stress and is not pressurising me. I don't come from an abusive background. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

One last thing. this isn't a lack of libido on my part. I look at other men (never do anything of course), I pleasure myself IYSWIM etc. I am so scared of falling into an affair at some point. But I look at the future and I feel like crying, I can't bear another 40 or 50 years of life like this.

I am terrified of telling him as well. How do I break "I haven't fancied you for years and I can't see every wanting to have sex with you again"?

Please help.

[showtunesgirl]

I think you need to talk to your DH. There is no way that you are feeling like this and he is not aware. No one is that good an actor all the time!

[qumquat]

davros I have done exactly what your ex wife did (re marrying you, not the affair). I feel wretched. I am so glad you have found love, I hope dp does too. I think for us there I was a lot of low self esteem at play: I didn't think I could get another man to put up with me, he didn't think he could get another woman to fancy him.

Sorry haven't read the whole thread, davros post really resonated with me. Still with dp as we get on so well and have a baby (god why didn't we realise before what a mess we were???), but the future looks bleak whichever way we go -either no sex and never ever falling in love, or breaking up the family.

[rainbowsmiles]

I just wanted to add that while libido has peaks and troughs the sexual attraction is still here 16 years on. I'm in the camp where we fell in love had crazy sexual chemistry and the ticking clock was not involved in my decision.

I have a v good friend who "settled" on the security of the good dependable handsome bloke and is v happy indeed 16 years on. But she did not marry him so he could give her children. She married him because she wanted to share her life with him.

I feel very sorry for these men who are used for their fathering ability.

Maybe the idea of real honesty throughout a relationship is key. If he knew he was being settled for in relation to his fathering ability he may not have been so keen but I guess the op knew that so kept it to herself.

[davrostheholy]

Qumquat
I don't really know what to suggest. I feel sorry for the ex-wife now, as it must have been terrible for her. But I have to be honest and say I hated her for many years. I still can remember the pain, the feeling of being duped, used, and repulsive. (Sorry OP if that's not what you want to hear but its the truth).
To be honest though, you cannot carry on like this. Everyone will end up miserable, and it will end at some point. If you are REALLY sure you cannot get around this then its best to call time as gently as you can. Don't have an affair. Don't tell him you find him sexually repulsive. Maybe say you need space etc etc and you want to part, and fairly quickly (i.e. don't leave him hanging hoping there is a chance of reconciliation) make it clear that you want different things out of life. Make it clear it's not him, it's something you have to do.
He will not understand and be prepared for a tough time and lots of tears.
But I see now that what had been done, had been done and couldn't be undone. You have to make things right now - there is no perfect answer so you all have to make the best of it.
Tell him he is a good man and a good dad and he will find someone else.
He will probably say he only wants you, (be prepared).
Sorry I have gone on a bit there! brought back some memories.
In a nutshell: you made a mistake, you have to try and fix it. But living a lie like that is impossible and helps no-one in the long run. You would just be wasting your life and his.
Hugs and good luck!!

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

Maybe, I can really relate to your post. DH and I have been together 7 years, married for 5 with a 4 and a 1 year old. I can't bear the thought of having sex with him, I can only really do it when drunk and even then I feel 'dirty' and 'violated' afterwards even though I consented. I need to see a sex therapist as it's really impacting our relationship, I don't even know if I love him any more because my disgust at the thought of sex with him is clouding my judgement. The thing is though, I can't imagine wanting sex with anyone else either though, I feel completely asexual in that respect. I hope your counselling works well.

[qumquat]

rainbowsmiles I thought I wanted to spend my life with dp, we got together at 23 so there was no ticking clock involved. I thought love was an unreliable way of choosing a partner and used reason instead. I now regret that and think I was a fool. But it is possibly equally foolish to leave my best friend and father of my child just because I've never been in love or enjoyed sex much.

davros thank you for such a genuine and caring post. I see my dp in all that you have written. It is so hard to break the heart of a wonderful person, but if I do I hope he will be happier for it in the long run. Thank you again, your sympathetic and helpful words, given what I have reminded you of, mean a lot.

[rainbowsmiles]

Qumqat, what does your husband want? If you are really good friends then maybe you would co-parent really well. I'm sure he doesn't want a life where he repulses his wife sexually, that just sounds heart breakingly awful for you both. And I wonder whether you could both go on to live more fulfilled lives apart but staying good friends.

The lack of love/passion might actually assist you in the separation and good coparenting.

Have you talked to your husband about it?

[qumquat]

sillylass I used to agree with you, and maybe still do. That us why I am with my dp, but it is such hard work trying to maintain a sexual relationship. It's a cliche but it does feel like trying to have sex with my dad/brother.

rainbowsmiles I think we could co parent well, but we couldn't afford to live separately where we live, and our jobs are miles apart so we would have to move nearer to our jobs. I want both me and her dad to be able to see her every day. If I could afford to move next door or even within the same town it wouldn't be quite so painful. I've developed a bit of a scratch card addiction ...

[lavenderhoney]

Its impossible to enjoy sex if the person you are having it with is not sexually attractive to you.
Just because someone has a penis doesn't mean I can have sex with him and enjoy it. I don't agree one should have sex if not attracted to that persons anymore. Sex is very intimate and its damaging emotionally to do it and not want to.

If you aren't hugging each other, holding hands and showing affection throughout the time you spend together, or thinking about the pleasure of sex with them, and instead actively avoid contact, sex and cuddling after then its time to look at splitting up.

[cjelh]

I haven't read all this, so forgive me if its been said, but I'd advise you go and speak to someone who isn't involved and you can get your head around exactly what you do and don't feel. FWIW me and X still fancied each other after 35 years, even after he met OW!!!!! we just didn't get on in other ways

[Greenrexine]

This thread is two years old, no point in giving the OP advice.

Wonder what happened.

[Boblad]

Sorry to resurrect this thread, I kind of stumbled on it

You know what the real problem is (and many people have alluded to it) the real problem is that the Husband is just too nice, in the fluffy bunny world it's what most women say they want, but most women find a nice guy actually very dull, and an awful turn off it's your biology kicking in, as was said to me "if you can't stand up to me, how can I expect you to stand up for me" many men have been brainwashed by society into believing this is what women want and hence many are left in the very same situation as the OP

Not being a nice guy has nothing to do with violence or being nasty or taking on your fair share of household chores, it means having a bit of backbone, standing up for yourself being decisive and fairly independent, a bit of creative tension in the relationship often does it the world of good.

I have no doubt that in all the stories I have read in this thread and countless others on here, that the guy has turned into a (for want of a better word) wimp

Forget the counselling and all that (it seldom works because most of them are as brainwashed) just tell him, or at least drop the hint you could even create a bid of tension (many women do this subconsciously anyway) up the ante a bit, if he takes the hint I can guarantee that you will soon be back in love with him

[Bloomingflower1]

How would you feel if DH had an affair?

[Boblad]

Any one who has an affair is breaking the deal, and it's not really the solution to the problem because the woman will most likely pick a similar type of guy in the next relationship, the solution is to put it crudely is for the man to Man the F up, but lets not mistake this for the guy to become a new caveman it's far from it, just show some backbone it's a very common problem nowadays because men have become confused as to how they should be and it's not helped by the information that the media put out

[Bloomingflower1]

I was merely inquiring how OP would FEEL if her DH had an affair. This is a very relevant question. It`s hypothetical and nothing to do with breaking any deal.

[Chullie236]

Oh honey, I know this is an old post but I just put in a search as to how I could fancy my husband again and this post came up. I feel exactly the same and have had numerous crushes on different men. I have been married 23 years and haven't fancied my husband for so long I can't remember. I have to be drunk to have sex, I don't even want to cuddle him as he thinks its a signal for sex. I feel as though I have lost a part of myself completely. I wish I had advice for you, but I don't. I feel stuck as I have no money to be dependent from him we have 4 children and I suffer from bipolar disorder so find work difficult. When I am depressed I tend to settle for the status quo but when well I become restless and can't stand the thought of the next 23 years of this. If someone asks if I love him I can't answer, he's a nice dad, generally nice guy although we have had some issues with him being violent with me in the past about 17 years ago. He has never hit me again. My family would not support me leaving my marriage, my parents have just had their 60th wedding anniversary and I worry about my 13 year old daughter. I feel very trapped and alone and advice from anyone would be welcome. I would like to know how you are now too. xx

[Missqwerty]

Chullie I don't have much advice other then Google the blog conscious transitions. It is run by a lady called sheryl paul who works as a therapist and she posts some amazing insights about problems similar to yours :)

[fredfredsausagehead1]

I thought everyone felt like this lol

[goddessofsmallthings]

The poster above appears to be intent on dredging up ZOMBIE THREADs this morning.