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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is my OH being really unfair or is it me?

96 replies

anyoneelsegetthis · 01/02/2006 19:03

We have a four month old baby and i stay at home to look after him, whilst DH works in a pretty stressful job.
I was at uni when i became pregnant so don't recieve any maternity allowance or benefits meaning he is bringing in the only money we have.
Pretty much every evening he wants a detailed list of what I have spent that day.
It's fair enough i guess but it makes me feel guilty whenever I do spend, even on baby creams and things.
aside from that he constantly pressures me to do things for him. i.e he wants a bar of chocolate so demands i go to the shop, i must hear the line 'but i go to work' at least twice a day.
the most annoying thing is that he insists i wake up with him at 6.30am every day and make him coffee and hang around til he leaves for work. this is even when i've been up half the night with the baby. he also refuses to takeover night feeds or early mornings at weekends, using the same line.

he also won't do any housework, and will do 'fun ' baby stuff like baths, feeding and stories but won't change nappies or do the sterilizing etc.

when we were at uni i always worked part time and he wouldn't do a thing around the house while i was out, we also shared all our finances, much of which was mine and i never tried to make him feel guilty. i can't help but bring that up when we argue but he says 'it's in the past' the situation now is different. wtf?
he goes out with friends once or twice a week to the pub or cinema, whereas i have only been out twice since the birth. i also have few friends around and all my family live three hours drive away so i feel tied to the home and the baby. i don't resent his 'time out' as it keeps him sane, but i resent the fact that i don't get any. he would be happy to babysit but i really don't have anyone/ anywhere to go. i can't even go shopping as i don't have my own money.

otherwise he is a very loving father, and we have a great relationship, but he makes me feel as if what i do is just laze around all day, and i feel i have no comeback when he makes demands on me.

is it unreasonable to expect to perhaps be left sleeping while my baby is instead of forcing myself out of bed to make him coffees? or to buy myself a new eyeliner without having to tell him precisely jow much it cost.

i just don't know how to resolve this,any advice would be great.

OP posts:

salsa · 01/02/2006 19:09

He is an adult not a child and he can make his own bloody coffee in the morning. Whats his is yours and if money is tight I can understand that he may not want you wasting money but you do need some freedom.
Your baby is only small but as they get older they become more hard work. I found working all day easier than staying at home. There are a lot of men that feel that just because you are at home all day then it is automatically your job to do all the housework etc. I personally have never agreed with this.

My point of view on this is a bit....a don't have the word.Sorry. This subject winds me up.

cloe2jay · 01/02/2006 19:12

Ask COD, she is really good in this line for advice!!

You work probably harder than him, for no money of course. I feel like this sometimes and I have two now. Drop a hint that a child minder charges about £2 per hour, let him pay that to you and you will be able to buy your own little nice things.

Where does the child benefit and Tax credit go, in your account of his?

Moomin · 01/02/2006 19:15

just what is so great about your relationship, anyoneelsegetthis? Not being facetious, just interested in seeing why you think it's so good. Is it just cos you love him? He sounds like a control freak to be honest - making you justify your spending; making you get up with him at 6.30; making you go to the shops, etc! fgs - read your first post back and imagine what you'd say to a girlfriend or another poster if you read this.

Original poster

anyoneelsegetthis · 01/02/2006 19:16

we haven't recieved any credits yet, they are taking forever to process it. the child benefit goes into a savings account for the baby.

i'm sure lots of others are in the same situation. i just don't know how best to deal with it.

i have tried ignoring his hassle for coffee, but regretted it as he spent most of the evening moaning about how he'd had a rubbish day and it's so much lovelier to have coffee and chats in the morning ' gets the day off to a nicer start' . he didnt make himself one!

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 01/02/2006 19:16

You are taking on the role of child minder and cleaner (amongst others!) Work out how much it would cost to "replace" you.

FrannyandZooey · 01/02/2006 19:16

OMG. I am speechless. Why on earth do you put up with this? Are you his wife or a skivvy? I have no idea how to resolve this, but I do know that he is going to go on treating you like his servant until you put a stop to it. Stand up for yourself!

Flossam · 01/02/2006 19:17

Are you BF? If not, I think you ought to go away for the weekend. Nothing flash, maybe just fo and stay with some family for a couple of days. Say you would like a break. Tell him x gets done on a saturday, x on a sunday (be fair but honest, don't 'let him off') get him to do the washing.

Also, could you sit down and discuss what is a fair amount for you to have to spend as you see fit. You couldn't go out to work atm, your baby is still very young. This dosen't have to be a long term thing, just untill (if) you return to work. But if the money is judged to be yours to spend he has no business asking what it has gone on, as long as you stay within budget for the items you need to buy.

What are his parents like? what would his mother think to know that this was what life was like for you? not suggesting that you go telling her, just make the point that this is hardly behaviour from a son to be proud of.

I really hope things get better for you. This is a tiring and a fraught time where relationships often suffer. Unfortunately it sounds like you might have an even tougher time on your hands. I hope it gets better for you. xx

Carmenere · 01/02/2006 19:19

He sounds like a tosser to me, and the reason you can't see it is because your are overworked and overtired and have no friends or family around to support you. Like moomin said re-read your post, you are an educated person you (and no-one else) deserves to be treated like a skivvy because why? Because you went to the trouble of carrying and giving birth to his child!!
Seriously tell him to take a hike or change his tune sharpish.

Blondeinlondon · 01/02/2006 19:19

coffee - he needs to make his own and bring you some in bed should you happen to be awake

nappies etc - tell him you need to know that he can take care of your baby when and if you are not there.

money - how much is he spending on the pub/cinema? does he tell you? he should give you at least the same for your own fun, eyeliner whatever

Original poster

anyoneelsegetthis · 01/02/2006 19:21

his parents aren't great. his dad moved to japan to work when he was 2 and he only saw him on holidays until he was 11 and ghis dad moved back.
his mum is, to be blunt, a little crazy. a serious control freak and quite vicious. he was pretty much raised by his grandmother.
so he doesnt really have a good line of reference for what a family should be like.

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 01/02/2006 19:24

Ok, so it's up to you to guide him (i.e. tell him!) Tell him how hard you work, what would help you. Tel him what other dads do around the house, friends of yours or people you have spoken to on here. Say what you would like him to do around the house and what you will do. Show him the way (or the door....)

Original poster

anyoneelsegetthis · 01/02/2006 19:24

thanks for the advice, actually rereading it, having put everything down in words has made me realise that hes being a c**t
i think i just try to ignore it and keep everything harmonious, but don't want to continue and drive myself crazy.
the money issue will be easier, as he has agreed that the tax credits should be mine so i just have to wait for them to process our claim.

OP posts:

Original poster

anyoneelsegetthis · 01/02/2006 19:24

OP posts:

Original poster

anyoneelsegetthis · 01/02/2006 19:25

tbh it's like having two children.

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 01/02/2006 19:25

Start another thread with nothing criticising him, just asking what people's dh's do around the house, how much money they get to spend etc. Print it off and show your dh, it might shame him into makign some changes.

Flossam · 01/02/2006 19:26

Fine ignore it if thats easier. But I am telling you that you will sit there and fume and it will rot your relationship. Harsh but true IMO, especially when things are SO unfair on you.

Original poster

anyoneelsegetthis · 01/02/2006 19:28

no - i dont mean i will ignore it, i just have been so far and i know i cant deal with it for much longer

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 01/02/2006 19:29

Then show him this thread and the responses you have got.
A relationship is all about sharing and equality. He may bring in the money, as others have said, but your work is far more important. You are responsible for the welfare of this little person, he is totally dependant on you for everything and you have the duty to raise him to the best of your abilities so that he becomes a level-headed and mature young man. That's quite a responsibility! And it is mainly on your shoulders as you are the one with the most influence in his life.

My dh used to make suggestions as to what I could do all day when I had a baby around the house, after all, I might get bored doing nothing all day! But then roles were reversed for quite some time and he suddenly realised how stressful and identity-destroying a job it really was. He became depressed very quickly and admits now that he could never be a full-time house husband.

Your dh is being very unfair and unreasonable. If he cannot see this, then perhaps you should have a weekend away and leave him to look after the baby for a while. Although I doubt he would agree to that! Sorry, but I suggest Relate! Only a third party can convince him of the unfairness of the situation.

Carmenere · 01/02/2006 19:30

AOEGT - I'm sorry I sounded so severe initially, he is behaving very badly but then he may not really be aware he is what with having no positive role models etc. But if he is a decent person he should consider your feelings a little more. The one thing I do know for sure is that you need to try to sort this out as it can be very bad for your self esteem if your partner is treating you like a skivvy and you just go along with it for peace sake. Stand up to him, fight your corner and redefine your relationship parameters. Just don't let the situation go on the way it is. Good Luck.

Original poster

anyoneelsegetthis · 01/02/2006 19:32

whats great about our relationship is that we are the best of friends. he does nice thoughful things, like booking me a surprise new hairdo and massage two weeks after the birth.
he is a great dad, apart from not doing the 'crap' jobs and has sacrificed his career ambitions to be able to support us as a family.
i am considering getting a part time job, perhaps in a bar on a couple of evenings per week. then he can see how hard work being a homemaker and looking after the baby is, and i can ignore his requests for coffee, as i will have been out til midnight the night before.

OP posts:

Original poster

anyoneelsegetthis · 01/02/2006 19:34

i will think all of what you have said over and talk to him tomorrow. i won't tonight as hes at the pub so will no doubt be drunk when he comes hoome.

OP posts:

MeerkatsUnite · 01/02/2006 19:52

If you do not address this situation you will probably end up in the divorce courts.

I would not describe your relationship as "great" at all; more like him controlling and domineering. Given his background I am not surprised tbh that he has turned out the way he has.

Many controlling men (I would describe him as such a person) are often "good fathers" and are held up by their spouses to be such. This can go on to be a generational problem if it is not fixed - what has been done in his childhood to your DH will go on to affect your child in the future because he will continue to act as he always has done unless he wants to change.

Children learn about relationships first and foremost from their parents; although your child is too young to understand now this will not always be the case.

If he will not consider going to Relate, consider going on your own instead.

kitegirl · 01/02/2006 19:55

you can still ignore his requests for coffee as you have been up all night with your baby! bloody hell, if my dh tried that line in the morning the most he would get is a slap and some foul language! I'm sorry but he needs to grow up, he can't be a part-time dad. You are a family now, he earns the money, you look after the baby, the baby is yours and his, the money is yours and his.

LoveMyGirls · 01/02/2006 20:03

have a look at the the tired and emotional thread and see what i posted, i would say the same to you it has to be shared fairly, having a baby in the house isnt easy on anyone its hard on both of you (at least it should be unless he is a complete arse!)

LoveMyGirls · 01/02/2006 20:08

also must add its my dp bringing me a cuppa in the morning (not everyday but sometimes) and he gets dd1 up and gives her breakfast he also runs my bath before he goes to work! (we have a 4mth old btw)

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