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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is my OH being really unfair or is it me?

96 replies

anyoneelsegetthis · 01/02/2006 19:03

We have a four month old baby and i stay at home to look after him, whilst DH works in a pretty stressful job.
I was at uni when i became pregnant so don't recieve any maternity allowance or benefits meaning he is bringing in the only money we have.
Pretty much every evening he wants a detailed list of what I have spent that day.
It's fair enough i guess but it makes me feel guilty whenever I do spend, even on baby creams and things.
aside from that he constantly pressures me to do things for him. i.e he wants a bar of chocolate so demands i go to the shop, i must hear the line 'but i go to work' at least twice a day.
the most annoying thing is that he insists i wake up with him at 6.30am every day and make him coffee and hang around til he leaves for work. this is even when i've been up half the night with the baby. he also refuses to takeover night feeds or early mornings at weekends, using the same line.

he also won't do any housework, and will do 'fun ' baby stuff like baths, feeding and stories but won't change nappies or do the sterilizing etc.

when we were at uni i always worked part time and he wouldn't do a thing around the house while i was out, we also shared all our finances, much of which was mine and i never tried to make him feel guilty. i can't help but bring that up when we argue but he says 'it's in the past' the situation now is different. wtf?
he goes out with friends once or twice a week to the pub or cinema, whereas i have only been out twice since the birth. i also have few friends around and all my family live three hours drive away so i feel tied to the home and the baby. i don't resent his 'time out' as it keeps him sane, but i resent the fact that i don't get any. he would be happy to babysit but i really don't have anyone/ anywhere to go. i can't even go shopping as i don't have my own money.

otherwise he is a very loving father, and we have a great relationship, but he makes me feel as if what i do is just laze around all day, and i feel i have no comeback when he makes demands on me.

is it unreasonable to expect to perhaps be left sleeping while my baby is instead of forcing myself out of bed to make him coffees? or to buy myself a new eyeliner without having to tell him precisely jow much it cost.

i just don't know how to resolve this,any advice would be great.

OP posts:

Tortington · 01/02/2006 21:57

exactly your striving for a utopia which isnon existant. your not a 50's housewife - hes not a model father.

your angry upset and rightly so. hes an arse.

look. when i was first married my husband said to me "when you do my sandwiches for work i like the corners of my bread buttered."

my doctor had told him i had a difficult birth an i - like you - was anemic. i couldnt stand for long periods, i found it difficult doing everything - but i had no model to base my family life on so i based it on some non existant utopia.

i ironed his shirts, cooked his meals, he went to the pub every night.

my son was a few months old when i justlost the plot and threw him out. i couldnt do it anymore. i appreared to be of no value to him.

a couple of months later we got back together and stuff changed drastically. we've been married 17 years now. he cooks and cleans and looks after the kids like he damned well should. today hes been off work becuse my son has been to the doctors and been told the sympoms he has may be a prelude to menigitis! so dh is at ome looking after a sick 16 year old and made my tea. i expect nothing less.

my nan thinks he is superman cos my grandad wouldnt pour his own cup of tea from the pot infront of him.

i say - i didn't get knocked up on mi own and i work as hard as him. half the work is what someone who loves someone else bloody well should do - 'owt else is a piss take.

Original poster

anyoneelsegetthis · 01/02/2006 22:00

thanks again guys,
i can't believe how diferent i am feeling in the space of an evening.
i am now really angry with him, but more so at myself for putting up with this.
i've been too busy taking care of the baby to think about myself really.
i am in south london, not the easiest place to make new friends!

OP posts:

Tortington · 01/02/2006 22:03

i'm in london often for work - and londoners do coffee meets and such. also i reckon south london isn't that far away by train to brighton - where mi dear you should definatley come for a brighton meet up - you see. we meet in the afternoon - i get the train home and you can too. am usually shitfaced by 6pm you would be home by 8pm and have slept off any hangover for morning.

besides theres a mumsnetter called MABS, she forces you to drink a cocktail at the end of the afternoon which just sendsme over the edge. do come next time - i want to sort something out for april and maybe another londoner is coming too if i can persuade her.

helloworld · 01/02/2006 22:06

You sound stronger!!!
Well done

Carmenere · 01/02/2006 22:07

I'm in South London too, croydon area, and I'm in dire need of someone to go for a drink with

Original poster

anyoneelsegetthis · 01/02/2006 22:12

sounds great.
hooray for drinking, though i'll have to leave notes everywhere reminding dp to change nappies,
carmenere.i have a bus which would take me from just outside my door to croydon, or we could meet somehwere inbetween

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 01/02/2006 22:13

thanks for saying that about my dp and he is lovely (well trained ) he was a student living with his parents when we met and i had a 2 yr old dd he moved in with me and got a job, all his friends said he wouldnt stick at it but he has and he's wonderful and do you know what else - you can get a bloke just like mine if you leave your DA (dear asshole) i used to be in an abusive relationship who incidentilly liked me to get up with him at the crack of dawn and see him off to work!!! but i left him and now life is amazing.

i really hope he either changes or you find the strength to get away from this loser. good luck hun

LoveMyGirls · 01/02/2006 22:19

btw i was 19 when i met my dp and now we've been together 4 years {smile]

Carmenere · 01/02/2006 22:22

That's great AEGT, I'd be happy to meet you half way. Why don't you CAT me, I'm away this weekend but anytime after wards is good for me.

Tortington · 01/02/2006 22:31

oh i hope you kick some arse

VeniVidiVickiQV · 01/02/2006 22:34

I hope you do too. And custy - do let me know about your next meet up too

Tortington · 01/02/2006 22:37

look out for it on the meet up threads - would be great if you could come

MadMaz · 02/02/2006 00:33

custardo you are a tonic. your posts cracked me up. nice! bring on the beer. drinking in brighton sounds great.
good luck anyoneelse in sorting him out. Start as you mean to go on otherwise you'll end up a doormat. Still not sure how having a baby has affected his career plans - that's not clear and maybe there is some resentment there eg if you didn't plan the baby. (I am not excusing his behaviour just wondering why)

Tortington · 02/02/2006 06:40

any update?

if your up making coffee there will be trouble

Pip · 02/02/2006 08:33

This thread is so shocking! This man is a complete arsehole. Everyone has said what I want to say and Custy's first post was spot on.

I'm glad that you appear to be stronger and seeing at last how badly he's been treating you.
I'm sorry but yours is not a great relationship. He obviously has issues from his childhood and is totally controlling. He undervalues you completely and is treating you like a slave. AEGT, this is not 'proper' family life, it's just his twisted version.

I do think you either need to go to Relate, make some serious changes or leave him. No one should be treated like this. Makes me so angry!

Good luck & I'm glad you've got so much support on here.

uwila · 02/02/2006 10:05

Your H is a twat. I could say so much more, but it's already been said.

Action list:

Get a job (when he says "I have a job" respond with "I have two.")
Do something YOU want, Post birth, perhaps you'd like to join a gym, or maybe you'd like to return to Uni (did you finish? Or did you stop to take care of the baby?)
Give him that childminding bill (and don't you dare charge as little as £2/hour -- £4 is more realistic)
Give him a cleaning bill (around £7/hour) DO NOT make him coffee, dinner, iron his shirts, and eat the chocolate yourself on the way home from the store.
When your H is looking after the baby, make sure it is not during the baby's nap time.

And, install strict penalties if upon returning home:

the baby has nappy rash because he/she has been sitting in an unchanged nappy
the baby has not been fed properly (veg, not cookies)
the baby has been neglected in any other way

babyonboard · 02/02/2006 11:17

aka...anyonelsegetthis
oops..i 'outed' myself on my postnatal board by posting under this alias anyway..so may aswell stop messing around now eh?

this morning i did not make the coffee, though i was awake with the baby anyway. was going to take the opportunity to have a shower in peace before he left, but then found we had blocked drains..argh.

i said from now on, if i am up anyway i will make coffee and sit and have it with him, as i know its a bit rubbish to sit alone on dark gloomy mornings, but he must under no circumstances wake me up for one. he agreed that this was reasonable..not sure whats changed, maybe my tone of voice!

we'll talk more tonight as he was indeed quite drunk last night. i plan to propose an 'allowance' for myself to spend on nights out, clothes etc. good news is he was offered a pay rise yesterday so he can't complain money is tight.

babyonboard · 02/02/2006 11:22

i'm going to a mumsnet 'baby' meet up today which will be lovely, though obviously won't be getting drunk in charge of pram.
i am very much up for a girly drinking night out though...croydon would be good for me! can't really think of anywhere inbetweeen me and there..

Bugsy2 · 02/02/2006 12:20

babyonboard, I second everything said by Custardo. My ex-H was just like your partner. Looked great on paper but treated me like worthless dog poo. I remember lugging enormous suitcases down the stairs and out into the car because he was "busy" trying to find his keys. I could go on & on & on. He always looked like Mr Top Dad in front of others but he was vile behind closed doors.
If he can't get his act together and behave like a responsible grown up, then don't endure years of misery - get out quickly.
You have to get into your head that you are just as "important" as him and you are doing a worthwhile & tiring job. The money he earns is for all of you, just like the child you are looking after belongs to both of you too.
I wish you well, you do not deserve to be treated like his housekeeper and babyminder - he's not paying you enough!!! (In South London childminders are paid £4 per hour & nannies earn £24k or more a year.)

babyonboard · 02/02/2006 17:30

i'm feeling better having met some mumsnet ladies today, it was really nice to be with people in the same situation (with babies..obviously not with asshole oh's) and we will hopefuly do it again soon.

i really think i've just been overtired and concentrating on the baby too much, and haven't had the strength or inclination to assert myself.

i'm ready for a big talk tonight...hopefully without it descending into an arguement as thats always counterproductive

uwila · 02/02/2006 17:45

Good luck.

I think a lot more Hs in this world would act like your if they were allowed to. So be strong and it is up to you to stop tolerating it.

He can make unreasonable demands, but you must choose not to accept them.

Blu · 02/02/2006 17:49

WEll done babyonBoard - tone of voice can mean A LOT.

Have you ijn mind a model you wuld like toachieve?
A suggestion would be:
Money - put everyhting, his wages, tax credits, etc, in one pot. Take out everything you need for your jpint expenditure - bills, food, council tax, all the baby's necessities - into a joint 'household acount'. Put aside any jiont savings. THEN divide wshat is left between you for your personal spending money. This is on the principle that you are doing one full time job, he is doing another, so you share the proceeds.
Time / babycare - at w/e, evenings etc, do things evenly divided. The only concession you might offere is that if the baby does sleep a bit later than 6.30 and you can sleep in in the week, you will give him a bit of a reciprocal lie-in at w/e. Again, you, like him, do a f/t job in the week, so you need to muck in together in your jpint 'time off'.
His realtionship with the baby. Point out that relationships with babies are actually built on the nitty gritty like smiles during nappy changes. if he takes on more of the tasks, the baby will respond more to him. Is he a bit jealous of the baby? he seems determined to be proving points all the time. Ask him if there is anything he resents - is he jealous that you get to spend time with the baby? Does he feel he doesn't get time with you? Is he afraid of being the breadwinnner? And tell him how his behaviour makes YOU feel. Like a worthless skivvy, and then some.

Good luck. Any more clue about which part of S London you live in? S london is teeming with MN-ers, you know!!

MadMaz · 02/02/2006 21:50

NICE ONE baby on board keep up the good work

Tortington · 02/02/2006 22:20

desperate for an update.

Blu · 02/02/2006 22:23

She's still out there, telling it like it is!
go, babyOnBoard!

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