Is my OH being really unfair or is it me?

[anyoneelsegetthis]

We have a four month old baby and i stay at home to look after him, whilst DH works in a pretty stressful job.
I was at uni when i became pregnant so don't recieve any maternity allowance or benefits meaning he is bringing in the only money we have.
Pretty much every evening he wants a detailed list of what I have spent that day.
It's fair enough i guess but it makes me feel guilty whenever I do spend, even on baby creams and things.
aside from that he constantly pressures me to do things for him. i.e he wants a bar of chocolate so demands i go to the shop, i must hear the line 'but i go to work' at least twice a day.
the most annoying thing is that he insists i wake up with him at 6.30am every day and make him coffee and hang around til he leaves for work. this is even when i've been up half the night with the baby. he also refuses to takeover night feeds or early mornings at weekends, using the same line.

he also won't do any housework, and will do 'fun ' baby stuff like baths, feeding and stories but won't change nappies or do the sterilizing etc.

when we were at uni i always worked part time and he wouldn't do a thing around the house while i was out, we also shared all our finances, much of which was mine and i never tried to make him feel guilty. i can't help but bring that up when we argue but he says 'it's in the past' the situation now is different. wtf?
he goes out with friends once or twice a week to the pub or cinema, whereas i have only been out twice since the birth. i also have few friends around and all my family live three hours drive away so i feel tied to the home and the baby. i don't resent his 'time out' as it keeps him sane, but i resent the fact that i don't get any. he would be happy to babysit but i really don't have anyone/ anywhere to go. i can't even go shopping as i don't have my own money.

otherwise he is a very loving father, and we have a great relationship, but he makes me feel as if what i do is just laze around all day, and i feel i have no comeback when he makes demands on me.

is it unreasonable to expect to perhaps be left sleeping while my baby is instead of forcing myself out of bed to make him coffees? or to buy myself a new eyeliner without having to tell him precisely jow much it cost.

i just don't know how to resolve this,any advice would be great.

Deffo show him this thread!

its supposed to be a partnership and hes being a twat through & through.

if my dh woke me up unnecessarily at 6.30 i would shit on his side of the bed.

you work 24 hours a day - how many hours does he work?

when he gets home it should be shared work.

your not his maid, his mother or some 50's ideal of a housewife - its about time you stood on the dining room table and screamed "ffffffffffffff*ck offf you TTTTTTTWWWWT"

the money is yours as well as his. if he doesn't acccept this then hes a twat -

how much is your self worth by the way - really think about it - price it up - is there a number which will match your worth?

there is no number for me - and quite frankly if dh won the lottery tomorrow - i'd still kick him out on his arse if he treated me without respect. the respect i EARNED thoroughly bringing up the children and working damned fking hard too.

you deserve to be valued. there is no price for that and if he doesn't see it then maybe you need to rethink the situation.

you may think this totally unacceptable as a response and completely OTT, but jjit drives me crazy when women who are at home are undervalued - on TOP of that - your dh insists INSISTS you get up and wipe his arse at 6.30 and the money is his?

am telling you you need to stand up for yourself now - or you will waste the next 10 years and 2 more kids wondering where it went wrong as you see the solicitor and argue over who has the house whilst your wondering what skills you can possibly bring to the workplace and how you have no insurance for your retirement becuase you have been looking after the kids and your husband whilst he has his insurance and retirement all planned out through work and has years on his cv. you still feel worthless only now you have 3 kids and things are much harder as your knocking on the door of 38 a failed marriage behind you 3 kids and a fella wont touch you with a barge, your social life is non existant and your dh is being an arse over child support. you cant get a babysitter to go out if you want to and you know hes out shaggin anything blonde without a care in the world - however with a successful career and lots of fkin money.

why is he getting drunk on a tuesday night?

Custy - there's a thread about holidays in term-time! Hope your name is there!

Speechless, but could not agree more with Custardo.
He's being a nasty fucker, and as for being a good father, well a good father does not treat the mother of his children like a slave.
Honestly, I would not tolerate any of that for ten minutes. Next time he 'requests' coffee tell him to bloody well make it himself, and bring you a cup of tea while he's got the kettle on. As for 'won't' change nappies - aaargh!

custardo, thanks for your post, really thanks so much.
i have laughed my ass of at the thought of 'shitting on his side of the bed'.
just the other morning when i'd been up three times to feed ds i considered 'seasoning ' his coffee with a littl black pepper and chilli powder, wish i had!

if i think back to my pre-pregnant self i would never have stood for this. i just had a difficult pregnancy, and am obviously still adjusting to parenthood and have just swept evertything under the carpet in order to keep evenings harmonious.

as for getting drunk on a tuesday, can't resent that as this time last year i was doing the same (well give or take a couple of months, lol).
he has a very stressful job which is far from what he hoped to be doing, but does it for us so i appreciate he needs his down time. musty say though, his dad justy called and was outraged that he was at the pub, had to bite my tongue thinking of how he was when Dh was a child. (i.e thousands of miles away and shagging around)

i think i have just accepted his behaviour along with all the other life changes i have made with becoming a mother but you are all so right, it's not fair, and i'm stronger than that.

thanks so much for this. it has given me the courage to stand up to him and insist things change.

hooray for mumsnet,
it's obvious i know he's being unfair when i haven't mentioned these things to even my closest friends.
thats not good.

You might have gotten pissed when you were a student on a weekday, but he is a working man and a father. In his own words - different situation now isn't it? Is he driving to work in the morning?

His job is soo stressful - bollocks! He gets coffee breaks and lunch breaks and when he gets home he doesn't have to lift a finger, he even goes out to the pub to 'unwind'. What are you then? A slave?

Get yer foot down love!

and, to lovemygirls, your dh sounds great, maybe we could introduce the two and he can rub his good-husbandliness of on my dh.

i think half the problem is we are the first of our friends to get 'proper jobs' and have a baby etc so he still feels like a student.

no excuse though eh?

you can resent him and should for getting pissed on a tuesday. this time last year you were both child free now your BOTH not. remember your job is stressfull too. quality of life is so much better. think on - will he get tohave a relationship of any meaningfulness with his child? really you only get to truly love and cherish them when you have the BAD and the good times.

so whens the next weekday your going out and getting pissed? whats good for the goose is good for the gander

custardo - if only. all my uni mates have lost interest in me with the baby, though they werent really great friends anyway.
all my closest friends live back in my hometown so i only see them on occasional weekends.
i have a friend coming on saturday actually. maybe i should just plan to go out and roll in at 5am drunk and demanding a bacon sandwich.
i'm serious by the way..he obviously needs to learn some serious lessons

Get out there girl! Where do you live? Perhaps we could arrange a Mumsnet meet-up for you?

i think your spot on actually. go for it.

yes we could

and yes, i know i'm getting the best out of it all. whats better thsn seeing your childs first giggle and such.
he actually gets annoyed if say on a sunday morning we are in bed with ds and whenever dh holds him ds turns his head to me and smiles

that would be great, ive looked at meet up threads before but never been brave enough. so silly!
i'm a regular mumsnetter btw just under an alias, so annoying i'm obviously ashamed at what is going on so know it's wrong, but won't speak up for myself at home.

He gets annoyed when your ds turns to you! Ha! No bloody wonder! He probably wonders who the f**k that man is lying in your bed!

now i'm revealing everything i should share a big arguement we recently had
we went to the supermarket with the pram, and took rucksacks as always.
we loaded up the bottom and filled rucksacks but still had two carrier bags. at the till he tried to hang them on the pram which was already overloaded so i said no, you carry i'll push. just out of the supermarket he tried to hang them on again, then started yelling when i said it'd make it impossible to push. i then let him hang them and handed the pram over to him.
he pushed for about 10 metres, tried to turn a corner, then sheepishly took the bags of and gave the pram back to me.
once we got ome he grabbed ds and went inside (we live on the second floor so routine is i normally go in with baby then come back to help bring shopping up then he brings up the pram)
i brought up the bags and he was changing ds's nappy (wtf) and said 'i'm busty you do it' .
i have been anaemic since the birth so its a real struggle for me and i got it half way upstairs and had to abandon it.
he was meanwhile busying himself sterilizing bottles which he never ever does.
he was obviously pissed of at being proved wrong.
it annoyed me so much, that he'll change a nappy just as an instrument in an arguement, yet when i was in hospital after the birth with anemia he left a dirty nappy on all night and ds got nappy rash. it's a bad thing to use the baby in such a way surely?

Leave him.

my god..now everything is down in words i can see how bad it is
its funny how its taken me writing it out to realise.

Show him this and give him an ultimatum. He bucks up his act or you go. You deserve better than this prick!

i know, but i want ds to grow up in a proper family, i can see what having an absent father did to dh after all.
and as i have said, though you may find hard to believe, we really do have a great relationship when these issues arent brought up.

shit..just realised 'proper family' is a really inappropriate term, don't want to offend anyone as such a thing doesn't realy exist.

I think you need to sort things out as soon as you can, as others say here. Relate, with or without him.

If you put up with being controlled now and trying to supress your feelings, anger and resentment to try and sustain harmony, you are not being true to yourself. This is not good for you, emotionally or physically and it is exhausting.

You owe it to yourself and your child as well as to him to try and work out some way forward either together or apart. Better now than years down the line.

Big hug

Sorry, but if you were having a good relationship, he wouldn't be treating you like this.
A good relationship with niggling problems, is where you argue over who gets the remote control, and whose turn it is to make the tea.
Not where one of the partners totally abuses the other one. And this is abuse. It is psychologically destroying you. You can't even see it for what it is anymore. You show all the classical symptoms of an ubused woman, he is a good dad....we have a good relationship usually........he does nice things for me....i.e. making excuses for him.
I know it is hard.
But you need to see him for what he truely is. I just showed this to my OH, and he said this man does not want to be with her, which is why he is treating her like this. My oh would never expect me to carry a lot of heavy shopping up the stairs, and I have not suffered with you health problems. He would carry the shopping and change the baby's nappy, and feed him, and make me a cup of tea. He is a doctor and this is a very stressful occupation, as you probably know, with long hours too! But not as long as mine!
He also sometimes looks after both kids while I go shopping for clothes for the afternoon. He cooks in the evening usually. He never goes out with his friends unless I am out aswell, and we have a babysitter. IF I don't feel like going, I have to really persuade him alot to have an evening out. He always comes back early, and he says this is because he wants to spend time with me rather than his friends.
That is a good relationship, because he is considerate towards me, and puts my feelings before his own.
You do not have a good relationship at all, sorry to be harsh. It is not your fault. He is a selfish arse.

for you AEGT. In that, this is unfolding in front of you in such a way.

Custy is right (as usual ). I think you definitely need to do more for yourself. Whether thats
getting a part time job,
telling dh that he is also a parent now - you already have one child to look after,
find yourself some friends.
Not necessarily in that order!

I can vouch for MN being a great place to meet some really, really lovely people.

Whereabouts are you?