How helpful is your DP?

[Rosduk]

I have been with DP 6 years and have a 10mo DD.
I have been getting down about how unhelpful DP is and can't work out if I am being unreasonable or not as whenever I try to talk to him he says he works so the home is my responsibility. We have a good relationship otherwise- he's very kind and has emotionally supported me through a lot so can't fault him as a boyfriend, just as a housemate!!!

Anyway, I do everything and I mean everything! It's easier to say what he does do. He plays with DD, feeds her milk and puts her to bed maybe three times a week but doesn't bath, feed her solids, rarely changes her nappy, very rarely does a night feed and it's normally because I have argued with him to do it. He wouldn't know how to put together bottles etc.

In the house he does nothing, in fact I feel like I'm looking after two babies- I'm constantly prowling the house looking for bowls he's left in random places, picking up tissues, putting things away, wiping down the sides where he spills cereal etc - I shop, cook and wash up everynight and weekend. He moans if his shirts arn't washed, if the nappy bin is full won't empty it and moans if we run out of anything even if he doesn't tell me if its running out. He doesn't take responsibility for anything- his passport ran out then work asked him to go overseas even though I asked him if it needed renewing when I applied for DD. He never knows where anything is, paperwork etc- I make sure all bills are paid then he jokes with everyone about how I spend so much money!

The thing he does do occasionally when I ask him to is put the bin out but if I didn't ask it would overflow.

Before you ask we have had so many heart to hearts and arguments about this-he helps for a few days then slips out of it again. I know I'm at home but I'd like to know if other partners help when they get in from work or at weekends? I'm not asking for miracles, as a SAHM I expect to do most things but don't expect to do everything let alone clear up after him- or is this normal???

sounds like your DP is being lazy and while you are 'happy' to run around after him, he's not going to change.

when he does do house stuff etc, what do you do? do you point out the jobs that need doing and leave him to it, or do you 'supervise' the way he does it?

He is taking the piss in an outrageous manner and you are allowing it. This will not improve unless you force it to because he is getting an easy life.

This is the problem- I nag him regularly but quite often it wont be done and when I force him he gets cross and says 'if you nag me I won't do it - I'll do it in my own time" When he does do something I normally leave him to it as it tends to be simple stuff! He has the attitude that he works so I should be grateful to be at home. I forgot to mention I childmind on a tues/thurs 8-6 but 'that's not work it's playing for a living!'

I definitely feel like I'm letting him get away with it but I just don't know what to do about it. I have shouted, cried, talked, begged and threatened and he always slips out if it again. If I had friends or family close I would go stay with them to give him a shock but I don't.

He hates spending money- his mum suggested getting a cleaner which he can pay for until he decides to help more but that's game playing ( and I don't need it!) I don't know what to do....

Rosduk i wrote a simlar post to your years ago, when my now 6yo dd was a toddler. It was exactly as you describe. The magic words being 'but i work!' as an answer to everything.

I have stryggled and battled with this fir years. Now, 7 years later, me going to therapy, after two dc, etc i have had enough and i want to separate.

Personally i think it is wrong for them not to do anything. But more than that if it is wrong for you, if it is toi much for you then it is wrong. What i cannot forgive my dh is the fact that he, by keeping behaving as he did, did not listen nor believed me when i said 'it is a lot of work' 'i am exhausted' 'i need a break' 'i need help' etc.

I recently read a book called "what mothers do: especially when it looks nothing". I wished id had read it then. It would have made not doubt mysekf and my abilities as i did and as you do now (it is hard work and a lot if it too - we dont just have coffees!!) and my argument stronger. However if their belief is that working exhonerates from everything else it is a lost battle imo: you either leave him with the child for a week (i wish i had done that!) or they go counselling or you go together.

Ime it doesnt get better, only worse - pretendind more and more, your selfesteem shrinking, and then 6 years later when you finally get s break because kids are at nursery etc you become lazy and spoilt!

Sorry to paint a bleak picture...

And by the way not all husbands do so little.

I cannot believe men like this still exist. What would he do if he was on his own? Starve to death in his own filth? He eats, wears clean clothes, and would prefer the toilet not to be encrusted in shit, so he should do his share. It is not 'helping' you out.

The old mumsnet adage is that you should both have equal 'leisure' time. You both work during the day, him in his office (or whatever) and you looking after the children and the home. After 6, or so, chores should be split evenly.

For the record, my DP works 60-hour weeks and is doing a masters degree on top. I work two days. We have a 2.5 year-old DS. DP washes and irons his own clothes, cleans up after dinner (sometimes), cleans the kitchen at the weekend, vacuums, and does all the financial stuff. He recognises that just because I have internal genetalia, I am not his skivvy.

But for what you do to get your lazy arsed DP off the settee, I can only suggest a strike. Don't do his washing, cook only for yourself, etc. I believe it's worked for some.

It pains me to read this...

The cleaner: it would help yes, we did have it for a while but if that is theattitude he will use the cleaner to accuse you if laziness. You may do want help but you also want to be recognised for what you do, dont you?

at 'childminding = playing!!! Arghhhh!!! I feel like crying!!

its not about "helping you" its about him doing his share and pulling his weight.

My DH doesn't 'help' at all, but we both do our fair share of what needs doing - so for example, weekends (when we are both around) it's a 50/50 split of chores etc.

I'm so sorry that you're with this manchild.
Counselling?

Crossposts with Dinah!

I tried strikes, they work in the short term, just.

I cannot believe men like that still exist and that intelligent and independent women like me or you still get trapped like that!!

You have another child, not a partner and believe you me this will show not just with the chores but with other kind of support. If you say you cried, begged etc and he has not come towards you what does that say? I imagined a situation where my dh would come and cried about how he found his job unbearably hard etc. What would you do? Would you tell him 'get on with it is your job, it is easy you only sit at a desk etc' or would you LISTEN???

If only i could tell you how taken for granted i am now, after 7 years, you will scream! And the problem is, they are so used to it that they dont get it and a separation comes like a bombshell! And then they try and it is too late...

Yes yes it is NOT helping, it is doing his share. Yes yes yes.

Oh dear OP you've got yourself a right lazy bugger there. I've had the same sort of thing with my DP. I ended up downing tools and not doing a thing for him. It finally sank in and he's greatly improved. If he starts to slip back I down tools again.

He is being very disrespectful and dismissive of what you do. I have to say it would be the beginning of the end for me because his attitude says so much about how he thinks of you.

For starters why does your working day never end, but his ends when he gets home? In our house the moment DH steps through the door it's team effort. This might include giving DH a bit of time to sit down, have a cup of tea, have a shower etc but it may also be that he helps with homework or takes over because I need a bit of space. Our evening meals are cooked by DH and he quite often works a 60 hour week, so isn't always here but when he is he cooks. Now that's partly because he enjoys it, but if he didn't any more than I do we'd share it.

Secondly his money is shared money, yesterday I said to DH 'oh you get paid next week' and he said 'no we get paid'.

Thirdly he needs to understand how much is involved in looking after the children - I strongly suggest you are struck down with some kind of illness or simply go away to make a point.

He also needs to be very clear the childminding is work, his attitude is very very bloody rude.

I think being that you've talked about it a number of times it's time for him to realised how serious this is for you however you go about that, but I'd be off for a visit to parents or something to make him realise.

Oh and the fact that he can't even pick up a plate after himself is unbelievable perhaps you should just leave everything he discards and go on strike.

Very sad to read your OP. DH and are completely equal in what we do. Helps that we both work part time and stay at home with the kids. Does he not even cook or clear up after you cook?

This is just a complete lack of respect for you.

To put things in perspective, I've been feeling a bit under the weather recently, and DH, to give me a break, spent the 3 days he was looking after the kids this week emptying the laundry basket, cleaning the house, and batch cooking so I didn't have to do any housework for the next few days. He even put both the kids to bed last night after getting home from work, normally we do one each.

Even on a normal basis where we usually share chores that is how it SHOULD be. My mum and MIL go on about what a good husband DH is, and he is, but he is just doing what he should be doing as far as I am concerned.

I have no advice for you though, but you need to know this is not on.

i've bitten my tongue so far, but really, OP, this man is taking the piss.

eg leaving dirty plates about the house, he's not your petulant child, he's an adult

and as for his mother suggesting a cleaner? wtaf, so she thinks he's not meant to share looking after his home too?

As previous posters have said already my DH doesn't help, he does his share. I'm on maternity leave at the moment so my "hours" to do housework and look after DD are when he is working. When he is home we split things as 50:50 as DD will allow.

He doesn't even accuse me of laziness if the house is messier at the end of the day than at the start - shock horror - because he knows how demanding DD is.

Thanks for replies. On bad days I have considered leaving temporarily, if i hated him it would be easier but he is so great in every other way. It's so difficult I think I need to think of something that will really shock him and if that doesn't work, well....who knows. I have 2 weeks off over Easter so might go away and leave him to rot in his own filth, although sadly I don't think he would notice the filth anyway. I have suggested councilling but he doesn't see there's a problem and refuses to go.

It does sound quite extreme.

Would he consider the counselling more seriously if you suggest it again, and if he comes out with his crap about there not being a problem, then maybe you respond that it's the fact that he can't see a problem which is so serious and why you at least need to go then, in order to think about whether the relationship has a future?

OP, in your original post you put one of his good points as being 'kind'. Not listening to someone he professes to love, and refusing to make any change to make them happier, is not 'kind'. It is possibly 'manipulative', to keep you sweet so you'll continue to coddle the lazy twunt.

MIL hasn't worked since he was little but they had a cleaner for a while when the were small. FIL lived and worked away all week for years so she did everything when they were growing up. My DP thinks it is normal despite preaching it's not!

i've had a few of these chats in real life recently with other women i know and a few at home in trying to find a woman with a man who is halfway capable at pulling his domestic weight.

Here's my mums recent support: I don't claim to know the solution ( i'd solve my own problem if i bloody well could)

But i have this plan: i think women generally have a tendency to treat their men like children and we do fill in rather than see them uncomfortable so i'm taking a hardline from now on

if you want it dp of mine..... do it yourself!

I no longer check if he has clean underwear. I wait til he's running around naked in the morning asking where they are and tell him i didn't know he needed any washing doing. I do the same with all his clothes but i get more satisfaction from the underwear one when he's more likely to actually haul a load down the stairs.

I don't plan to make sure dinner is on the table when he gets home ( i work at home but do the run around) i just let him know i was working all day and will start making dinner now the working day is done, well after the other bits i need to do. he did sit on the couch going hungry for awhile but is just starting to learn that if he does the bins and the childcare and the dogs i can start cooking a bit quicker.

Mum said........... it sounds mean but since time began men have needed house training and unlike puppies it's a livelong lesson, so put the thing they want most at the bottom of the list of things to do and most men become a bit more engaged in working through the list.

Think toddler rewards..........This assumes the dp is generally witless rather than maliciously unsupportive.

Mum must know cos dad does know how to use the washing machine and does most of the washing up and always does all the bins and recyling. he did also do most of the early evening childcare.

he can't however cook at all ( i include making a sandwich here) and goes hungry all day if she's not there to feed him so it's not completely successful

rosduk last sept, at my wits ends, i suggested couselling. he came (to my surprise) but lasted two session. I kept going. Incidentally yesterday we had a talk where I sais I have given up on the rel and I want out. At his disappointment I told him he had given up years ago but had not the honesty or the insightfulmness to let me know, and I brought up hil dropping out of therapy as one. Do you want to know the answer? (It pains me to say it because it is shameful on him) He did not need to go because the problem was just mine, and the problem was me going mental when pms!!! So to this day he lived (and I have allowed him) believeing that he was right, everything he did was right. It was just me that could not accept the 'right' way of living. Does this sounds as awful to you as it did to me? I was nearly sick.

And for the record, my dh is a great guy in many ways. this is what has stopped be but it is irrelevant. he is not being nice and respectful to you. this is not a relatioship!

I can give very little advise considering but I would say that 1) you have to believe in what YOU believe not in what he believes. What you think is as valid as what he thinks. 2) Keep complaining, keep telling him this is not what you want, do not buy into the 'you are moaning all the time', it is belittling you again and not taking you seriously. He treats you as if you are a child (not even children whould not be not listend btw). If you dont stand your ground every day you will lose it, and once you have lost it (like I did) it is sooooo much harder to get it back.

My ex was like this too, with childcare. I am unfortunately a bit like this in the cleaning department but the difference is I hate it, have tried millions of strategies, lists, apps, reminders etc and regularly get upset about why TF I can't just do it. I'm actually having counselling now in the hope that I will uncover some deep-rooted issue.

kmd good point but I spotted a fallacy on your argument (forgive me):

you say But i have this plan: i think women generally have a tendency to treat their men like children and we do fill in rather than see them uncomfortable which is true but then further down you say Think toddler rewards..........

that is the prob, these men do it and we allow it.

bertie what do you hate? cleaning?