How helpful is your DP?

[Rosduk]

I have been with DP 6 years and have a 10mo DD.
I have been getting down about how unhelpful DP is and can't work out if I am being unreasonable or not as whenever I try to talk to him he says he works so the home is my responsibility. We have a good relationship otherwise- he's very kind and has emotionally supported me through a lot so can't fault him as a boyfriend, just as a housemate!!!

Anyway, I do everything and I mean everything! It's easier to say what he does do. He plays with DD, feeds her milk and puts her to bed maybe three times a week but doesn't bath, feed her solids, rarely changes her nappy, very rarely does a night feed and it's normally because I have argued with him to do it. He wouldn't know how to put together bottles etc.

In the house he does nothing, in fact I feel like I'm looking after two babies- I'm constantly prowling the house looking for bowls he's left in random places, picking up tissues, putting things away, wiping down the sides where he spills cereal etc - I shop, cook and wash up everynight and weekend. He moans if his shirts arn't washed, if the nappy bin is full won't empty it and moans if we run out of anything even if he doesn't tell me if its running out. He doesn't take responsibility for anything- his passport ran out then work asked him to go overseas even though I asked him if it needed renewing when I applied for DD. He never knows where anything is, paperwork etc- I make sure all bills are paid then he jokes with everyone about how I spend so much money!

The thing he does do occasionally when I ask him to is put the bin out but if I didn't ask it would overflow.

Before you ask we have had so many heart to hearts and arguments about this-he helps for a few days then slips out of it again. I know I'm at home but I'd like to know if other partners help when they get in from work or at weekends? I'm not asking for miracles, as a SAHM I expect to do most things but don't expect to do everything let alone clear up after him- or is this normal???

Yes I agree about trust. It's also really important that both partners have a sense of fairness, and if you truly love someone you surely want to treat them fairly?

My dh is amazing, but I don't want to make others feel bad. I've got a friend who was sad when I told her how much dh does. I've got no idea how one would try changing a man who is basically selfish.

Apologies allquiet... You're so right that a relationship should be based on mutual respect. Thing is Rosduk your dp may be fabulous in every other way, in this way he's not showing you respect, and to me that's a big thing in a relationship. It doesn't matter if it's something seemingly trivial like a bowl, but it speaks volumes of what he thinks of you. You need to nip it now because otherwise resentment will just eat away at all the good things you have.

DH occasionally fails to see piles of clean washing that need putting away. I put them on his on his keyboard where he can't fail to see them and remember to put them away.

Perhaps you could gather up all the mess he has left trailing and put them in a place where he can't fail to see them? I realise that you would still have to pick up after him but it might help him see how much extra work he creates.

Cross-posts - glad it worked Spru

My DH is the same so I feel your pain. He won't help. This is not going to change (it's been 13 years). I live with it because I have to, and I don't think it is worth divorcing over. Sounds like you might be in the same boat.

no apology headfairy, I get quite carried away about this, as in the thick of it right now. especially today when I have got it in my to change the world rather than tackle the sodding kitchen...

oh defintely change the world, the kitchen will still be dirty tomorrow :o

tomorrow? this aft, more like! That has always been my philosopy, and dh's too, but only when applied to his precious self: he is the one who should change the world from the sofa but for me there should not be higher pleasure than provide conforts for the family, because for him (goes his argument) there is no greater pleasure than financially provide for us.
don't bother asking me what I want? I hear myself saying over and over again.

...but that's another story...

and in terms ot outsourcing, surely if you have the money you'd rather outsource a cleaner than have your lovely wife/husband clean the toilet unless they like doing it. If my dh told me he hates mowing the lawn I would not hesotate either doing myself if I dont mind or paying someone if we can afford it. why should I say, no suffer! I did not think I married Jesus on the Cross!!!! thoe things are beyond me. as if life should be a struggle. it is, undoubtedly, and one deals with it but one does not go and makes it so, surely!

It's fair enough for you to be responsible for more housework and childcare if he goes out to work, but he really should be doing the basic picking up after himself. e.g. putting his dirty tissues in the bin, wiping up if he spills something, not leaving plates and bowls around the house etc. That's not even a question of 'helping', it's just about good manners and showing basic respect for the people he shares his home with surely? You're a SAHM, you're not his personal servant.

And at weekends he should be pulling his weight around the house - it's hardly fair if he gets weekends 'off' to relax and do what he likes, but you're working and responsible for everything 24/7.

I would stop using the word 'helping' and have a talk about how to divide chores and responsibilities fairly during the time you're both at home, and make sure you both have a more-or-less equal amount of leisure time over the course of a week (assuming either of you are able to have any at the moment, not easy with a baby!)

Oh and yes I do recommend a cleaner regardless of the other issues, if you can afford it. Well worth the money IMO.

Thats exactly how we approach it... dh hates hoovering, but that was always his job (it became his job after my back injury "conveniently" took a long time to heal and i couldn't lift a hoover up the stairs). When we used to discuss what we considered a luxury and what was a necessity, dh always said the cleaner was a luxury and his Sky subscription was a necessity. He's completely changed his mind about the cleaner now. I actually think he'd rather go without food before we gave up the cleaner as it would mean he'd have to go back to hoovering on a Saturday morning.

I actually like cooking so I do all the cooking. He's not great about washing up, but he does do most of the laundry.He'll wash it and hang it out on a Thursday and Friday evening while I'm working late, and I take it down and put it away on Saturday mornings. Neither of us wash the kitchen floor :o

Why? does it need washing?

Start a Man Box. Large box in the corner of a room (i'd recommend next to his bed). Everything (literally) that he leaves somewhere it doesnt belong, lob it in the box. Keep going. See what happens.

Did anyone see the thread where the woman stopped doing her DHs laundry and it took about a month for him to realise, after saying "him...might need to buy some more socks"

It always needs washing we just kick the larger bits of dirt in to the corners until the cleaner comes

This infuriates me. I work. DH is SAHD. I leave every morning by 7:30 and get home at 7:30. And I earn 100% of our income. but it would not occur to me for a minute to think that means I do nothing at home. I get angry just thinking about men like this.

I get DS up in the morning - change his nappy, get his bottle ready, make tea and coffee. DH gives him his bottle while I shower and get dressed. Then I leave.

DH does the bulk of the washing. Unpacks the shopping when it's delivered. Keeps the house generally tidy including making beds and gathering up tea and coffee cups from the morning, loading and unloading dishwasher and so on. Does any last minute shopping things we need. And most importantly, looks after DS. He does most of our bill paying.

From work, I do all the online grocery shopping and do most of the rest of our "buying" research and, if I can do it online, actual buying or in the City (eg currently researching safety gates which I will probably order online). I also do the bulk (but not all) of our planning - what to eat, when, holidays, seeing friends etc. Once I get home, DH and I split the daily chores that are needed - I tend to cook, he tends to do DS's bottles and general cleaning up pre and post dinner. I get DS' bottle ready for the morning, he prepares things so that he can bring DS down painlessly for breakfast.

We have a cleaner for the bigger jobs like cleaning the bathroom and changing bedding.

On weekends, I do "external" chores like popping to shops etc, and do most of food preparation and so on for DS. DH tends to take DS out at some point so I get some "sitting on butt" time, and also looks after him while I do batch cooking or similar. He also gets up with him in the morning more than I do. I look after DS while DH does DIY.

We split garden chores according to who can be assed is around at any given moment.

See? It's not crazy for someone who is out of the house 60 hours or more a week to still do a lot around the house. And it's not crazy for someone who is with DC all day to be absolutely knackered by the end of it so that the thought of now cleaning the bathroom or whatever is simply too much.

Your not so"D" is taking the piss.

Stop doing anything for him. Pile up the empty bowls and cups etc that he uses somewhere he can't miss them and that is traditionally his spot - a tray on the couch, a work bench in the shed, whatever. Do not do his washing and certainly not his ironing. Stop cooking for him.

I'd take it further, stop talking to him. If he asks why, explain that you are too tired and exhausted from working 24/7 and you have no energy to engage.

Suggest that as your job is just "playing" perhaps you should stop it. Ask him whether that means he will be bringing in more cash as of course you never worked anyway, true, but now you will have less cash.

But ultimately, if he doesn't step up, I'm sorry to say I don't see how your relationship works in the long term.

Blingloving i was about to give a couple if example where the man is a sahp and in all the cases i know that is how it is divided. Plus, those men have both described what they do as their job, with no qualms or hesitation. Why is that?

Because by definition, the kind of man who is willing to be a SAHD, is also the kind of man that "gets" it.

DH says he's in Customer Service. With one, VIP, customer!

Oh yes they get it allright but the wife who works does not, like you say, come home and demands to be served and revered. Why is that? Is there a working wife of a sahd who "doesnt get it" and is as lazy as fuck! Pleaseeee come here if you are!