How helpful is your DP?

[Rosduk]

I have been with DP 6 years and have a 10mo DD.
I have been getting down about how unhelpful DP is and can't work out if I am being unreasonable or not as whenever I try to talk to him he says he works so the home is my responsibility. We have a good relationship otherwise- he's very kind and has emotionally supported me through a lot so can't fault him as a boyfriend, just as a housemate!!!

Anyway, I do everything and I mean everything! It's easier to say what he does do. He plays with DD, feeds her milk and puts her to bed maybe three times a week but doesn't bath, feed her solids, rarely changes her nappy, very rarely does a night feed and it's normally because I have argued with him to do it. He wouldn't know how to put together bottles etc.

In the house he does nothing, in fact I feel like I'm looking after two babies- I'm constantly prowling the house looking for bowls he's left in random places, picking up tissues, putting things away, wiping down the sides where he spills cereal etc - I shop, cook and wash up everynight and weekend. He moans if his shirts arn't washed, if the nappy bin is full won't empty it and moans if we run out of anything even if he doesn't tell me if its running out. He doesn't take responsibility for anything- his passport ran out then work asked him to go overseas even though I asked him if it needed renewing when I applied for DD. He never knows where anything is, paperwork etc- I make sure all bills are paid then he jokes with everyone about how I spend so much money!

The thing he does do occasionally when I ask him to is put the bin out but if I didn't ask it would overflow.

Before you ask we have had so many heart to hearts and arguments about this-he helps for a few days then slips out of it again. I know I'm at home but I'd like to know if other partners help when they get in from work or at weekends? I'm not asking for miracles, as a SAHM I expect to do most things but don't expect to do everything let alone clear up after him- or is this normal???

If he was a good man his ways wouldn't need changing.

Good men don't expect other adults, their equals, to look after them as though picking up after themselves was beneath them.

XP was a bit like your DP. He got angry if I asked him to do more, he wouldn't even pick up his dirty laundry.

He's someone elses problem now .

You are not alone OP. My dp (soon to be ex dp) also thinks he shouldn't have to help in the home because he works and I'm a stay at home Mum. Strangely though, before I moved back in with him he was perfectly capable of doing his own laundry, was uber tidy, loved cooking etc. And now here I am doing it all for him because he "works".

What is wrong with some men?

It is very wrong of him to not help you out more if you have asked him for more help. That makes him selfish. That makes him not think of you. That means that, as other posters have said, you will end up feeling very very resentful as the months go by and that will have a detrimental effect on your relationship.

Nip this is the bud asap.

Also, your childminding being described as "playing"?? How utterly belittling.

Well, when we met he lived in a houseshare with a very OCD girl! He cooked himself but lived on pizza and ready meals (he was a student!) and did his own washing but he did quite often smell of wet dog so he was never particularly good at it! He arranged his bills I assume. I think his housemate cleaned a lot!

AThingInYourLife I am 100% with you, sadly.

some good ideas here, and I agree the real problem is that he is showing an incredible lack of care for you by not listening to your opinions and suggestions and by refusing to change his behaviour or even negotiate it when something is important to you. He has definitely got the impression that being a SAHM is easy (har har har) - and actually you work 2 days on top too, which he dismisses.

Can you try to turn his language around on him? You say he uses phrases like "i'm tired i've been at work all day" - so start using the same phrase back to him "i'm tired i've been looking after your child and skivvying in your home all day". "if you nag me I won't cook tea, i'll get around to it in my own time". or if he complains about how much you spend (on bills) complain about how little he earns. "because its YOUR job to earn enough to support this family".

not sure if any of that would be constructive actually, what you need is for him to realise that your unhappiness and the unequal workload is HIS problem just as much as it is yours. Honestly, if all he is doing is earning money, creating mess and enjoying his leisure time you would have less work if he wasn't living in the home and he was just paying maintenance. Maybe he needs a shock like suggesting he move out as he is not contributing sufficiently to the household is what he needs to wake up and take action (and really mean it, rather than just paying lip service then slipping back to old habits).

I think you're the best judge of his character and what woudl actually work - is it shock treatment, is it setting and sticking to firm boundaries (love the idea of not picking up his dirty plates - maybe you could start serving dinner on the dirty plates too then express suprise at how the washing up fairy isn't doing her job any more), is it leaving him for a week with your child and seeing how he copes / watchign him realise how much work is involved, or is it actually that he needs to admit he's disengaged from the relationship or what?

Meglet

Go away for 2 weeks.
leave him with DD.

AThing I agree with you, ideally men like this shouldn't exist, should be left, should be neutered, and should be pilloried in the public square with a big sign around their necks saying "I think I am too good to clean the toilet I shit in".

Ideally. But the OP might need some strategies to see that in her mind, and the OP's H might respond to a wakeup call like the ultimatum of "I am going away for two weeks, consider it a trial separation. If I don't come home to a clean house, full fridge, and a schedule YOU have drawn up for a FAIR division of household labour, we will have to rethink this partnership."

Because she is living with him and their 10 month old daughter, and she might not be able to see the immediate links between "he doesn't do any housework" and "he is an entitled prick, leave him!" even though that's the diagnosis I'd use

But we must raise our daughters never to accept the housework as their "job".

the issue is not as much as to whether it is your job as it is understandable that if one is out all day working one should do more at home (not everything). this 'more' should be specified though - not 'everything else'.

the problem is that the husband thinks or behaves like he is the employer and that you have to account to him. he tells yu what job is or isnt yours, how much is it worth etc.

athinginyourlife i really don't want to get drawn in to a SAHM/WOHM debate, but if you choose to stay at home to care for your children and home, then surely it is your job. That is not to say your OH shouldnt' respect what you do, but I wouldn't be a SAHM and expect dh to do most of the housework. If I stay at home then my role is to keep the house and care for our children.

As I work out of the home dh and I split the housework 50/50 most of the time and we have a cleaner for the rest. Surely if you don't work it's unfair to expect your OH to do 50% of the housework? I know you both live in the house, but surely you're choosing that role? Or am I missing the point totally. I've never been a SAHM so I don't know.

Good guys don't treat their homes like that, don't believe a wife is just a skivvy who has to fuck you. but how true. even sadder than all that is wrapped up in a colorful paper made up of 'but I give you everything, I work for you, for the welfare of this family blah blah blah

(how much it pains me to be an expert on this matter, for my sake and that of my h)

keep the house and care for the children is a bit of an infinite area though isn't it. That is what chains you..

I don't expect him to do 50/50 but I do expect him to put his bowl in the dishwasher or at least in the kitchen. It's not general cleaning that bothers me its the fact he adds to it mindlessly!

For me, it's the not clearing up after himself that would be the worst. Yes, as you are in the house longer, it makes more sense for you to, say, clean the bathroom or throw the mop around, but for him to just use something and then just leave it there..... I do think your DP is a bit of an arse.

Adopt the wonderful phrase I saw upthread and in your next argument, shout "you are too lazy to clean the toilet you shit in"

sorry op, yeah I got sidetracked there... I agree it's unacceptible to be so lazy as to not put a bowl in the dishwasher, how flipping hard is it?

the problem is that the husband thinks or behaves like he is the employer and that you have to account to him. he tells yu what job is or isnt yours, how much is it worth etc.

that really wasn't what I was saying allquiet

My daughter won't ever grow up seeing housework as her job, as that's not what I do for work.

Blame my pregnancy hormones, but I'm getting so angry about these lazy bastards who seem to be everywhere.

How can they live with themselves???

headfairy was not referring to something you said, I was thinking out loud.
I too never want and never will tell the dds that her job is housewrok and even though for a few years it was me that did it I never put it to them this way - god forbid! I may have been caught up in this for a few years but I will do my utmost best to let it not happen to them.

another point I thought while making my way towards the kitchen is this: trust is what those rel lacks. For eventhough I have not got the foggiest idea of what dh does today at work, I believe he work hard and if he comes home and says he is shattered I believe he has had a particular hard day and fair enough to sit and chill for a bit. on the same account if he comes home and says he has been having long lunches I expect him to be more present and I will not assume he does nothing. My view is that as default he works hard even though for all I know he could sit at his desk and chit chat or shag the secretary.
this honesty applyes to me too so if for example today I spent my morning attached to MN I think it fair that I will do more in the evening, or at the weekend etc. and I feel I should be able to tell him without having to hear 'what a life of riley you have' and being brought up as an example of my lazyness at every argument. and also I would expect to be believed when I say I have had a hard day and be allowed to sit up and not cook, say.

It should be a rel based on trust, respect and honesty, shouldn't it. sadly often none of these apply.

'these lazy bastards who seem to be everywhere.'

yep, true, but it is great to hear there are other very different ones. hope for the future, ours and our daughters.

my DP was living in a sty before we got together and it was still a sty when i moved in!! It was truly horrific. I spent the first 2 years cleaning day and night for him to just make a horrific mess all the time. Gradually he got less messy but that stopped earning him any points. It did get to a point where I went to visit my parents and refused to go back to DP until he cleaned everything. That humiliation was enough for him to pull his finger out and he never expected me to tidy up after him ever again.

He now cleans his own mess, puts his laundry in the basket, does the hoovering, the dishes, the bins, gives me massages and takes care of the kids after work, baths them, puts them to bed, when i am tired and the baby is awake in the night, he stays up and plays/feeds her and when i go to visit my parents i always come back to a spotless home!

The only niggling point is the loft!!! all his horrific mess is now in the loft and i am itching to get that cleaned!!!