How helpful is your DP?

[Rosduk]

I have been with DP 6 years and have a 10mo DD.
I have been getting down about how unhelpful DP is and can't work out if I am being unreasonable or not as whenever I try to talk to him he says he works so the home is my responsibility. We have a good relationship otherwise- he's very kind and has emotionally supported me through a lot so can't fault him as a boyfriend, just as a housemate!!!

Anyway, I do everything and I mean everything! It's easier to say what he does do. He plays with DD, feeds her milk and puts her to bed maybe three times a week but doesn't bath, feed her solids, rarely changes her nappy, very rarely does a night feed and it's normally because I have argued with him to do it. He wouldn't know how to put together bottles etc.

In the house he does nothing, in fact I feel like I'm looking after two babies- I'm constantly prowling the house looking for bowls he's left in random places, picking up tissues, putting things away, wiping down the sides where he spills cereal etc - I shop, cook and wash up everynight and weekend. He moans if his shirts arn't washed, if the nappy bin is full won't empty it and moans if we run out of anything even if he doesn't tell me if its running out. He doesn't take responsibility for anything- his passport ran out then work asked him to go overseas even though I asked him if it needed renewing when I applied for DD. He never knows where anything is, paperwork etc- I make sure all bills are paid then he jokes with everyone about how I spend so much money!

The thing he does do occasionally when I ask him to is put the bin out but if I didn't ask it would overflow.

Before you ask we have had so many heart to hearts and arguments about this-he helps for a few days then slips out of it again. I know I'm at home but I'd like to know if other partners help when they get in from work or at weekends? I'm not asking for miracles, as a SAHM I expect to do most things but don't expect to do everything let alone clear up after him- or is this normal???

I find it strange that you say "he is so great in every other way'. I wouldn't care how wonderfully great my DH was in other ways if he expected me to be his cook and cleaner.

He works and so do you, the question is how much leisure time you get. Be honest about how much leisure time you get in the day (an hour while the baby sleeps? out for coffee with friends?) and then make it clear to him that you expect the two of you to get equal leisure time.

My DH works from 7am to 6/7pm at a very demanding job, with 10 mins for lunch and no leisure time. But when he gets home in the evening he takes over with the children while I do school bags and tidy up. He often bathes them, reads with them and chats to them. He often cooks for us as well, as he finds it relaxing. I do all the laundry, grocery shopping, meal planning, bill paying etc... but we do have a cleaner too. At the weekend it's 50/50 and we both usually have some time to ourselves. Neither of us would have it any other way, it's a partnership.

Your DP is selfish and old-fashioned, he is not normal and he is not kind. Sorry!

And another thing... If your darling man finds cooking and cleaning so boring and demeaning, why the hell is it OK for you (someone he professes to love) to 'lower' yourself to it? Can it be because he sees you as of less value, of lower intellect, etc? On the other hand, if it's so easy, and 'just playing', why the hell doesn't he do some of it?

Rosduk you say he moans if he has no clean clothes or of you run out of things . Have you ever told him to wash the clothes/go to he shop (without actually caving and ending up just doing it)

I see how it's just easier to do it than constantly fight about it but I think you need to stand your ground . My line to DH/DD is "I'm your wife/mum , not your maid" .

Can I ask , when he is at home, what is he doing while you are cooking/cleaning/seeing to DD ?

herbaceous that is a point I have made myself in my rel. If dh, who knows how much I hate housework, and wanted to go back to work, insists that I spend the rest of my life doing it because it is my role () what does it say about his love for me? I would never dream of making dh so something he loath if I could avoid it and that he wants to spend more time with the children. If he's come home tonight wanting to leave his job, not only I'd listen, I'd believe him when he says how much he hates it, and I'd sit with him to work out a plan so that he can stop doing it and I will 'help' him feeling better.
Or should I just shrug my shoulder and say 'well that is your role, that is how it is, I look after the children you have to slave over the rest of your life, because I want enough money for this and that, tough!'. Is that being nice and kind and loving?

do you know what they reply? at least my dh does "but i WORK! i GET ALL THE MONEY, SO YOU SHOULD DO ALL THE CHORES.

[vomit]

if you dont find a way of changing things you either going to be in an unhappy marrieage or you are going to split. both very sad things. oh and by saying YOU I mean you both. he should do something not just in the cleaning dept but also in the trying to resolve a problem.

(I hope you get lie in at weekend etc 'cause I never did!)

He is either doing work on his computer, watching tv, reading- generally not doing much tbh and when i nag 'I'm tired, ive been working, I have a headache' is normally his response. This is quite depressing- writing it down makes me realise how ridiculous this is.

rosduk it was the same here. it is so depressing to write it down. it will be depressing to look back and see images of yourself destroyed by fatigue cooking and cleaning whilst he sits on the sofa ignoring what's around him. It is destroying me. How could have I accepted it?

if it helps my dh did: go to work, mow the lawn in the spring/summer. that's it. sometimes he puts the children to bed/does homework and then we should all be grateful. it is pathetic.

out of interest, why do you use the word 'nag', Rosduk?

Rosduk, if you can go away for at least a week and leave him on his own to do all the things you normally do maybe he would see things from your perspective. When he has run out of clean mugs and plates he?ll then have to find where he dumped them and sort his mess out. When he?s run out of clean clothes he might realise that there is no such thing as the washing machine fairy. When he is so sick of the mess he?s left on the worktops from spilt food an drink he might realise that it doesn?t clean itself up. Of course he may not give a shit if he lives in squalor, and a week isn?t very long really. Unfortunately I think that if a man isn?t house trained by his mother then it?s a tough battle for a partner as it?s their attitude to housework rather than ability that stops them doing it, and it?s hard to change an attitude.

winegoggles is sooo right. my dh is def like this because of his mother, an unhappy servant to all. my mother was that too but a) she did divorce in the end b) I as a woman I do not want be that. the interesting thing about that is that it does not make no sense, to know your mother wasnt happy, wanting your dw to be unhappy and teach your dds to that unhappiness. and yet if you mention the dds to my dh and what he teaches them by example he goes mental, for he cannot think of them as so enslaved to any man. so why would want your dw like that is beyond me. it also shows lack of the capacity to analyse things. the head under the sand tactic shows up in many forms - all detrimental to the self and others.

I was never 'housetrained' by my mum. She always had a cleaner, as ? as she put it ? 'I'm buggered if I'm going to spend all my time cleaning like my mother did'. I don't like cleaning, and resent the time it takes away from doing more important things, like watching telly or playing with DS. I do the bare minimum, and generally just do a blitz before someone comes round.

But I realise that someone has to do it, or some kind of disease would result. Some men seem to think we're born with inbuilt ability to know one end of a mop from another, and a desire to wear a tabard.

OP someone on here came up with a brilliant solution to exactly this situation...

If your dp sees everything you do as your work, then he has to treat it like work. As an employee in this country you are not supposed to work more than 48 hours a week, you are entitled to a minimum of four weeks off a year, and you are entitled to at least one day off in a seven day period. You are also entitled to sick leave if you are ill.

So I suggest you draw up your work rota. You write down your shifts, and the rest of the time either he pulls his weight, or you will not work at all. That includes preparing him food or doing his clothes. If he doesn't do anything in that time, then you do not rush to do it all for him when you come back on "shift", you go back to doing what you were going to do anyway.

AllQuiet I hate being useless at cleaning. I don't mind actually doing it which puzzles me even more!

If he doesn't bring his dishes to the sink or clear up things he spills and just leaves them for you to find and deal with, he is a disrespectful cunt.

I don't know how you can allow an unhousetrained pig like that in your home. He should be in a kennel outside, the filthy animal.

It's a foul way to live.

As for dismissing the paid, important, stressful, responsible work you do as "playing"?

How fucking dare he?

How can you think someone who belittles you constantly in these many ways is anything other than a worthless cunt?

You are not married, so you're in a pretty vulnerable situation when this fuckhead cheats on you. (And why wouldn't he, he doesn't even treat you as a human as it is.)

Go and find out what your situation would be if you ever decided to stop putting up with this appalling behaviour.

Knowledge can be empowering.

bertie you make me laugh!!!! I hate cleaning and house chores, always did. I have no interest and feel no pride (I like a clean and tidy house though). I never wonderd whether I am good or not. Can you be good at it? I guess you can like anything else. How sad to be good at it though... it will never appear on your tombstone...
thinking about it I am rubbish at it. Mind you I was better when I was living on my own - that's because at least you'd see the fruits of your effort. Say today for example, I am supposed to clean and tidy up. At 3 I have 5 childern under 6 here - what of my effort will show? I might as well sit here and chat...

Brilliant headfairy !!! absolutely brilliant !!!

Go away for 2 weeks.
Take your DD.

He is taking the piss IMO, and the way he treats you speaks volumes about how he really feels about you and your DD, I'm afraid.

You need to get it straight with him: you are not his housekeeper, you will not raise your DD seeing her mum pick up after an able-bodied adult male, things have got to change or you're out. And then go away for 2 weeks with your DD and tell him when you come home you want to see a clean house, full fridge, and a FAIR rota for sharing chores up on the fridge.

The thing is, you've got to mean it.

My H and I both work out side the home, but even when DS was new and I worked part time (3 days at home) he never expected me to be his maid. We have a rule that, basically, no one sits down before the other.

So for example, he picks up DS from daycare at 4pm, takes him to the swings with the dog, brings him home, feeds him dinner, plays with him, gets him in the bath, and at that point I get in from work (longer commute) and I take over bathtime while DH does our dinner, then we both do teeth/story/bed for 15 minutes and we collapse together with our food and some telly to chat about each other's days. About half an hour before we want to go to bed, one walks the dog and the other loads the dishwasher, then we pick up any other crud in the house, and go to bed.

He doesn't sit down until you sit down! The bonus of this is you actually do more things together and so can chat, which is nice.
Doing anything any other way would just make one of us resent the other, and resentment is the end of love.

TheNewMrsC I wish I could claim it as my idea, I can't even remember the MNer who did. It was genius. She used to get "that's your job" from her dh when ever she asked him to do something, so she decided if it really was her job then she was going to work to European working regulations. I can't remember if it worked, but I loved the idea!

I wouldn't call it brilliant to accept the premise that your husband is your boss and you owe him 48 hours a week of housework.

Neither can I remotely see the point of leaving this pig-man in his own filth for a fortnight.

He will look after himself and leave a ton of shitwork for the OP to do when she gets back.

These men are not worthy partners. Tying yourself in knots trying to fugue out how to turn a bad man into a decent husband is just polishing a turd.

Good guys don't treat their homes like that, don't believe a wife is just a skivvy who has to fuck you.

it's not saying he's her boss AThinginYourLife, it's acknowledging that if indeed the housework and childcare are her "job" then she should have the same rights as those that work out of the home.

blackcurrants, I think you're wonderful.

That is a great and very simple rule. I just have to work out how to introduce it

Would you consider leaving at the time he would normally leave for work and staying out all day while he tried to manage(d)? Come home at the time he normally would come home from work and demand to know where your tea is, why DD isnt even dressed yet and why the house looks like it has been ransacked.

My DH does the bins, the garden (yarden), baths DD every night, gets up in the night on a weekend, picks up food shopping on his way home if I havent been out, does a bit of the dishes (I cook). He powers through the laundry on a Saturday morning, and vacuums. I don't ask him to do any of the above, he just does it. He's out of the house 7.30-5.30 mon-fri and I am currently on Mat Leave. I have a few little 'rules',as does he:
*I will only wash his stuff if it's in the basket, as I refuse to go around sniffing his clobber
*When i'm in the house with DD during the day, we hang out in the Lounge. Therefore, I see it as my place of work. He is expected to tidy his stuff away from that room, not let it clutter up with mess for me to work around. I have this rule in my office with colleagues so think it's fair for him to do the same at home
*We don't iron (do what we need as we need) and put our own clothes away, even though we share the laundry
*He doesnt like me to eat in bed, which is fair enough, so I don't
*He goes to the gym three times a week, which makes for a longer day with DD, but I dont mind, as he is happier for the exercise.

Set up all your bills DD, to ease a bit of your workload; and stop worrying about things like his passport. It's not up to you to run around after him like a 13 year old would need. I don't buy cards/gifts for DHs family as I expect him to take responsibility for his family.

I think the more you do for him, the less he will do for either himself or you.

Rosduk my dh is exactly the same. I do understand that he works, finds it stressful, gets tired etc but I find it staggering that someone has no interest whatsoever in the home, finances etc etc. He will not do anything at all, and as you describe he will, for example, carry on jamming things into the full bin without it even crossing his mind to actually take it out (this happened even when I had an operation and could lift nothing heavier than a kettle for 6 weeks). I do not want to make a fuss as on some levels of course the domestics are mainly my responsibility as I am here much more BUT I am now very resentful and also the dcs (who are older than yours) now behave exactly as he does and will not lift a finger and every day is a battleground. My dh will never change, I know this, but I hope you can speak with your dh and explain how you feel and how much it is getting you down. If he is a good man he may change his ways. Good luck.

Madame, your last line is very very true.

If he says "that's your job"

And you say "yes, you are quite right, but I demand employment rights"

Then you are accepting that he decides what you do, and that you need to assert your rights as with a boss who asks you to work more than 48 hours per week.

It does nothing to address the arrogance and entitlement that allows a man to tell his wife what her "job" is, and who refuses to do his share of the work by assigning it all to her.

Responding to a bully - someone attempting to use their greater access to family money to coerce you into serving them - by accepting their terms is not smart.

It's the same as the "go away for the weekend and leave him to it" school of utterly missing the point.

Of course, to a certain extent, it is too late for the women who ever found themselves washing a man's dirty knickers while he leaves Rice Krispies all over the counter and walks off to play computer games or have a wank.

Few will ever be able to clearly see the worthless shits they have mistakenly shacked up with for what they really are.

But we must raise our daughters never to accept the housework as their "job".