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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Long time lurker in need

101 replies

Pralines · 12/03/2012 20:17

Hi all,

here's the problem.

I've been with my now husband for 8 years, married almost 2. early 30s. Trying for a baby.

My husband is my world. We have a loving relationship, and generally we are happy.

BUT...

When I met my DH... let's say he was in a bad place - I don't really want to go into that, but he had had experienced mental health issues had no support and was floating. He was ashamed of this and there was a lot I didn't find out until a while later.

The immediate issue is that last year I found out he had a credit card balance for a year he reassured he he didn't owe a penny. Now, we were supposed to be paying off all our debt to try to save to be able to move. This all came out in November huge meltdown tears the lot and I sorted it by balance transferring and sorting a budget. We dont live hand-to-mouth our credit card debt (I have a car loan and a mortgage) is less than 16% of our annual income but I am cautious of redundancy in this climate and we really do not need to be in debt considering how much we earn.

So I have access to his bank accounts. And I looked today. And I have found a balance on the card that we balance transferred.

I am so fucked off. I have had a bad day at work, I'm unfertilised after 18 months of trying (not a problem for me as such at present) and I have told him not to bother coming home as this isn't the first time he has run up a balance and I am just sick of it.

There is a lot more, I do not want to drip feed but I guess you wont want an essay. Please feel free to ask questions.

And thank you in advance.

Whoops - question - How do I deal with this? I've done the tears, the shouting. The 'what else do you lie about', I envision myself in 40 years time in a bedsit looking at him wondering why did I stay with a spendthrift liar.

OP posts:
StilettoJam · 12/03/2012 20:20

Confiscate his cards with immediate effect, or leave - whichever is appropriate

Original poster
Pralines · 12/03/2012 20:21

Sorry to continue how I feel - I love this man. He is my world. And I know I am his. He has had problems with his family, his mum is... well she is... hard work. He doesn't have a family life really.

God - I'm justifying him. Just believe me when I say we are happy and this is the only issue.

But fuck it is such a big one. This is my future at risk and sometimes I feel like he is a great big fucking albatross around my neck and he has stolen my short term future because right now we shouldn't have the debt that we have. There is no need for so much of it.

OP posts:
StilettoJam · 12/03/2012 20:22

Confiscate the cards then and give him cash only to spend

StilettoJam · 12/03/2012 20:23

What is he spending on anyway?

Original poster
Pralines · 12/03/2012 20:24

Thank you for replying SJ. But I didn't marry to give up on it so easily and confiscating his cards isn't going to do shit. He is my husband, not my child. I shouldn't have to bloody parent him.

(That isn't supposed to be abrupt I am open to suggestion/discussion - I just haven't the energy to pretty up my message right now).

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 12/03/2012 20:26

I wouldn't have children with someone who stole from me.

Which is what he's done.

StilettoJam · 12/03/2012 20:28

If his spending is out of control you are going to have to take hard action, or as you said you will end up in a bedsit.

Not sure what else you can do

Original poster
Pralines · 12/03/2012 20:28

You know - just shit. He just doesn't bloody budget. So travel to work when he gets short. Bloody amazon. Our budget gives him £600pm to pay for travel and any old nonsense he wants to buy.

I bloody manage on less and I have a more than active social life. He isn't taking drugs (or at least if he was on the amounts I am seeing unaccounted for his dealer would have to sign on), a prostitute would have to moonlight in Tesco if he was spending on that. So I highly doubt it is going on vices.

It's just stuff. from awful, awful budgeting.

OP posts:
StilettoJam · 12/03/2012 20:30

If he only had cash, he would soon make it last. Cards to a lot of people are not 'real' money and they don't realise how twenty quid on this and that soon adds up

oikopolis · 12/03/2012 20:35

600 quid???? God he is a lucky lucky man! i'd KILL for that kind of fun money!

OP you've done enough. i know you love him, but love's not enough. you can't have a child and a happy, stable future with an adult who can't control his spending.

that's the long and the short of it.
i would get rid, tbh.

Original poster
Pralines · 12/03/2012 20:36

He has, hasn't he. Well, kind off stolen my future in the short-term.

At the moment the debt levels are manageable in the sense that we are far from struggling and could cope with bills etc on 1 salary. When I met him he lived on hardly anything. Now he is spending like bloody Escobar. And where does it stop?

Anyway, what would you do? Leave? Just like that? I've called relate today and am on a waiting list for marriage guidance.

I refuse to give up on my marriage easily. I just need a way for us to sort this. Fucking Bastard. This home is utopia. And he is trampling over it. I appreciate that I am a bit anal over money. Seeing my mother bawling over an access card in the 80s is a real memory of my childhood. But this is crazy. If it doesn't stop we will get to that point.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/03/2012 20:37

I think you should investigate further into what he is spending this money on

Expect some very nasty shocks

Gambling ?

Bogeyface · 12/03/2012 20:38

It seems to me that you are just expecting him to change, and based on your past experience with him, that is naive to say the least!

You had a major issue with this within the last 6 months, as you said, tears, shouting etc and he didnt change then, so what makes you think he will do it now? I cant see why you kept the CC account open after you had cleared the balance tbh, surely you should have closed it?

It comes down to whether you are prepared to either a) live in fear of bankruptcy and the effect it will have on you and any future children b) take his cards and create a system whereby his travel is paid for in advance (travel card if he uses PT or you fill the car once a week) or c) you leave him.

If you refuse to parent him (and I agree that it shouldnt be necessary but it appears that it is) then you must accept his spending habits. If you cant do that then you must accept that your marriage wont continue long term.

Bogeyface · 12/03/2012 20:41

Did he have a deprived childhood? It could be that he is suffering from "kid in a sweetshop" syndrome and spending just because he can. If you think that may be the case then therapy for him may help, but in the short term, you do need to take control if you dont want him to continue this spending. And if you dont want to, well as I said above, you must just accept it or move on.

Original poster
Pralines · 12/03/2012 20:41

EXACTLY at Oikopolis. Some families don't earn much more than that. Plus don't forget he is spending more than that and it creeps up.

I have roughly the same (I actually take less as I can rather than being forced to IYSWIM).

Entertaining the cash only concept - should I really baby a grown man to that extent? I could do it. But what if something happens? And he has no access to money (don't laugh or raise your eyebrows).

And the cards are saved to websites anyway. Or they should be.

Is that a feasible way? I feel so bad to make him come to me like a 5 year old.

SHIT, FUCK, SHIT FUCK. What a gawdawful day.

OP posts:
HepHep · 12/03/2012 20:42

Fuck, I don't have 600 a year to spend on myself! Shock
I agree you have to let him go. You're not even really struggling for money, and he's still incapable of honesty and good budgeting. What would it be like if you were in real difficulties? You couldn't reply on him. You can't carry someone like a dead weight, they have to be equal and adult otherwise its not a partnership, its a carer relationship.

On a side note, no-one should ever be your world, nor should you be theirs. That's no good, and not healthy. You should always feel free to walk away if they are behaving like an arse, otherwise you're yoked and incapable emotionally of surviving without them.
And he is definitively behaving like an arse.

ThePinkPussycat · 12/03/2012 20:43

What does he say about all this?

And how old are you both? In the CAB I've dealt with many people with debts, the young ones could see it as a wake up call and learn from it...

HepHep · 12/03/2012 20:43

Whoops, rely not reply :)

AThingInYourLife · 12/03/2012 20:43

You're in your early 30s and want children.

Are you so determined not to give up on your marriage that you will risk giving up on the other?

Because by the time (if ever) you've got this sorted, it might well be too late.

Original poster
Pralines · 12/03/2012 20:50

Ok - couple of x-posts.

Anyfucker (as an east end girl I like that) - nasty shocks - I looked at the statements. All of them. Last time I pulled off his credit report (just in case). But I feel so awful doing that stuff. I should be able to trust him!!! Incidentally a fair amount of that stuff was spent on me. ME. I don't ask for anything - I earn my own damn money. Some of his treats have been outrageous (to me anyway).

Bogeyface - this, this is what I am looking for 'It seems to me that you are just expecting him to change, and based on your past experience with him, that is naive to say the least'. I am being naive aren't I?

And he did have a more deprived childhood than I. His mum is lovely, she did her best (domestic violence, bad upbringing herself, serious near terminal (I'm trying not to out myself, but serious life threatening illness)) and she's a bit... high maintenance and does the whole guilt trip nonsense.

OP posts:
PrincessWellington · 12/03/2012 20:54

My exh was like this. I went through three balance transfers. He won't change. My exh went on to have an affair. Lies and more lies

AnyFucker · 12/03/2012 20:54

Pralines, you do know that he will only change and become the man you can trust if he actually wants to, don't you ?

You can live with it, or tell him he sorts it or you are over

You certainly can't do it for him, and I would suspect if you are anything like me, your respect (and lust) for a man you have to treat like a naughty child will soon wither away

Original poster
Pralines · 12/03/2012 20:56

I hope you don't mind - I'm going to reply to what's said rather than list names (and thank you ALL for your responses - I appreciate it).

He gets really upset. I am not a pushover. Last time he was so ashamed. You are all right.

On a side note, no-one should ever be your world, nor should you be theirs. That's no good, and not healthy. You should always feel free to walk away if they are behaving like an arse, otherwise you're yoked and incapable emotionally of surviving without them. - I could live without him. I'm not pathetically in love I've been around the block and love my own carcass too much for that, emotionally our relationship is fine we do not live in each others pockets. But food for thought...

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 12/03/2012 21:00

When I met him he lived on hardly anything.

Is he seeing you as a "walking bank account"?

You gave him a chance and he fucked it up. Any partner that dealt with the finances in such a way would be a deal breaker for me.

Oh, and I agree with not making a partner the centre of one's universe.

Original poster
Pralines · 12/03/2012 21:03

I agree you have to let him go. You're not even really struggling for money, and he's still incapable of honesty and good budgeting. What would it be like if you were in real difficulties? You couldn't reply on him. You can't carry someone like a dead weight, they have to be equal and adult otherwise its not a partnership, its a carer relationship. This is a massive issue for me.

He doesn't want to change does he? I haven't even told you half of it (and I won't - same bloody issue over past few years he is just shit with money. If he has access to it just has to go). I'm not living with it. I don't bust my balls (well ovaries) to keep the likes of amazon in business.

So the general consensus is make or break/cash only. Bugger. I was hoping someone would reccommend a pill or something.

OP posts: