I've noticed that when I feel an instant "spark" when meeting a new man, he always turns out to be >

[KarmaK]

a complete nightmare, more often than not either abusive or just a jerk.

It's taken me a long time to really realize this. I mistake that "spark" for strong chemistry or even love at first sight. In fact, time and time again the spark has in fact been a sign that I've just met a man who is extremely familiar - yet another abuser!

It's actually the sane, healthy men I feel no spark with and thus don't bother to date or get to know.

Anyone else experienced this?

ACol- I really don't think the 'spark' is the be-all and end-all.

My parents were happy together for more than 40 years until my Dad died. Just after he did, we were talking about when they first met, and she really surprised me by saying that when they first met there were no fireworks, initially.

She made a pragmatic assessment of him as a partner: they got on, they made each other laugh, he was intelligent, respected her and was attractive enough. The way she put it was 'I had experienced that 'Fire In The Blood' thing by then. Enough to know I didn't trust it.'

As it happened I was just starting to see people again after the last in a long line of terrible breakups, all of which I had flung myself into on the flimsy basis that the attraction I felt must 'mean' something. I made the decision to persevere with someone, despite having misgivings similar to yours- and I can't now imagine being with anyone else.

A friend of mine, a geneticist and research scientist said of this sort of attraction 'your genes must like theirs'. It may be a basis (apart from the whole psychological co-dependency argument) for producing healthy offspring, but not necessarily for a long term relationship that gives you both happy, enriched lives.

Hmm interesting perspectives JaneB/MsF1t

If I go by JaneB's example which to be honest sounds great and what I want - I can imagine my life without my DP although if I'm honest, I would really miss the security/comfort that he gives me..but I'm worried I'll wonder if I'll always be thinking I should have spark AND trust/security etc. I don't want to throw away a perfectly good relationship with some small issues for a possibility of meeting a better match. But then I don't want to always be wondering either.

I'm mid 30's without children so the old biological clock is ticking loudly..I think this is making me think about things too much and putting way too much pressure on the relationship and the relationship. I've read waayy to many threads about breakup/divorce with children to want to be certain that I've got the right guy first.

Yes, agreed!

Although I did have a "spark" with my stb DH who has turned out to be a lovely, lovely man, he was actually going through a break up and having a hard time of it when I met him so there was an element of damage / dysfunction there although he's fine now.

I spent my entire youth with unsuitable, abusive men so my radar is definitely a bit "off". It's as though you can sense danger and mistake it for excitement.

I think it's probably true that thie spark thing can be really misleading. It's just, well this will sound silly, but in the moment, having that is massive, it makes me tick, it makes me feel safe and secure and cared for and loved and precious to him.

It makes my life feel wonderful whatever bad things might be going on. So kind of on that basis, it makes me think, hey this is worth keeping. Even if he does turn out to be a bad person one day, or to hurt me which honestly I don't believe he ever would wish to, this moment, these last millions of moments have all been worth that. It's a gigantic leap of faith but at the same time, what's so dangerous about swimming in clear, warm water. It's only if it starts to go murky or deeper than you can handle that it's something you have to walk away from, and that hasn't happened yet.

It might not happen. Someone who makes me feel like this every day is I think someone worth being with, at least while it continues.

And honestly I don't think I could walk away if I wanted to - not unless he did something bad, and I stopped feeling this happy. if that makes any sense.

It just feels like a good spark, not a bad one!

Fluffy, I hope it works out brilliantly for you

My radar has been off for many years I think. But when something wallops you round the head with a large happy cloud, you can't really escape! What I'm trying to say is I don't remember ever being this happy, ever.

I think of the spark as some type of biological compatibility/lust. I would not consider a relationship without it (or at least some type of spark-type experience after a couple of meetings) but I wouldn't base a relationship on it.

You're in a similar to position to the one I was in four years ago. All I can say is that for me, making the decision to let my head rule my heart (or should that be another bit of my anatomy..!) long enough to really get to know my partner is the best thing I ever did. Over and over again I chased that Will O' The Wisp spark, only to get burned or find myself lured to somewhere dark.

I know for certain that I can trust my OH. He is highly intelligent, extremely funny, thoughtful and caring. We 'get' each other in all sorts of ways.

I read all those threads too- see the awful things people's partners put them through and I know he won't do any of them to me or our daughter. Having been through all sorts of frogs in my time, it is worth everything to me to know that I can really trust my partner come what may. All the more important now we have a child to consider.

I reached the point where I didn't think I could bear to go through the wringer again, just on the off-chance that this one time out of Christ-knows-how-many, this sparky guy would miraculously not sh*t all over me.

I think I'm probably basing our entire relationship on sheer lust. but in a good way.

I mean other stuff is good too, iyswim.

It's actually making me smile listening to you talk about your "happy cloud"

I was so distrustful of the idea of 'the spark' that I married a man I didn't fancy in the slightest, thinking that because we were good friends that the rest would come. It never did and we divorced, although that was mainly due to the fact that he turned out to be a child in a man's body and a complete tosser to boot.

I dated for several years after that and the only time I felt an immediate, overwhelming spark turned out to be the most dangerous relationship I've ever had. After I managed to dump him he stalked me, the police had a record of it and it transpired he had actually been in prison for a similar offence before.

However. I went clubbing one night and was very, very drunk and saw DH dancing in the middle of the dancefloor and my first thought was 'Oh. There you are.' It was weird. I think all the booze had bypassed my normal lack of judgement skills .

There was no 'spark' , as such (beyond normal first meeting quivers) but I just felt like I'd known him forever. In fact, the taxi-driver who took me home asked me how long we'd been a couple and was mighty surprised to find out it was only a few hours.

The spark, for me, grows more and more each year. I guess, by the time we're pensioners, I'll be all over him like a rash!

One thing I did do (and I know how 'woo' this is going to sound, but hey ho) was write a list of things I wanted from a relationship, things I could compromise on, and things I definitely wouldn't put up with. It seemed to help, somehow. And DH fits all the right boxes (apart from the persistent watching of sport on the telly, but I neglected to think of that for my list, so can't complain.)

I got that "Oh there you are" feeling with my DH too Milady. It was sort of a whooshing feeling of relief because I knew I didn't have to worry any longer, I'd found the person I was meant to be with. I don't believe in soulmates at all, not a bit, but it was a very weird experience. He asked me out, we kissed and from then on we were together, no awkwardness, no second guessing, no "will he call me?" - we just spent every day together and we felt like we'd always known each other. I think that just happens when you well and truly click with someone.

Fluffy - LOL as long as it isn't making you throw up!!!!

Milady, that's really interesting. I love how you met your DH.

I did feel like I'd known DP for years when we met, it was such a strange feeling. Like I had been waiting for him since I was a child, almost. Though that sounds a bit but it was like I'd had a picture of him in my head that I couldn't quite see, and suddenly there he was. Is that kind of what you felt?

Yes, that was it exactly, Cailin. Natural and easy.

I agree with you about the click.

"It's as though you can sense danger and mistake it for excitement."

EXACTLY!

"I got that "Oh there you are" feeling with my DH"

I get that "Oh there you are" feeling every time I meet another abusive toxic man.

I guess maybe it depends what things you are familiar with.

I think it's familiarity, certainly. There are things about DP that remind me fiercely of something, someone, from years ago but I cannot place it. It's like he was there all the time.

Now I have some people in my family who were always very kind to me, others who were not, so perhaps he is familiar to me in a way that the kind people behaved towards me - or perhaps the people who were not kind.

The 'gut' feeling I have seems to be entirely good. Mentally, I am still worried, still afraid of certain things, maybe things he has in his character and maybe also things other boyfriends had in theirs, and he does not.

There is the possibility that he will turn everything upside down by doing something really unexpected and upsetting, but perhaps there's usually that remote possibility. He's a real person, he will have bad aspects.

It's whether they are within reason I suppose.

But maybe when we feel someone is known to us, they are just reminding us of behaviour we have seen very early in our lives, and it might be good or bad.

Well ladies I think i just cant do a relationship that doesn't have a spark, and thats not good is it.

I have finished things with the bloke i has started seeing, because i felt like i was lying to him. He was a nice bloke, but there was nothing there at all.

Not sure where to go from here. I even said to my mate that he was too nice, and that I found that unattractive. I am a nutter lol.

I met a man several weeks ago who is intelligent, funny, warm, kind-hearted, nice to spend time with.... we went out on one date. He was very keen after that but I didn't feel that "spark". We continued talking on the phone and I notice that when we talk on the phone time flies and we can be chatting for 2 hours or more easily. If I am honest, the thing that is missing from my interactions with this man is that spark of 'danger' I am so used to because I am so used to rage-filled abusers.

Karma I am in EXACTLY the same position.

This guy is keen, tells me how special I am, we talk for hours.

I went on a date with him last week. I like him, we snuggled, there was a snog, it was so easy being with him, he's lovely.

BUT.. no lighting bolt.

He turns me on, don't get me wrong, but there is not that feeling in your stomach, the whooshing in your head.

For the first time in my life I'm going to see what happens. I'm going to let this lovely man be nice to me and enjoy it for what it is. If we develop into a more serious loving relationship (which I think there really could be a big chance of), then great. Job done.

STOP looking for the lightning bolt. I think that it's a harbinger of doom rather than a promise of happiness.

Karma, if this guy is being nice to you. Let him. See what happens. As long as he respects you, honours his word and treats you properly, see where it goes.

if you think you see red flags, come here and ask for opinions...

Please keep me posted about how it goes!!!

This is so interesting.

I'm another, have to have the head rush, obsession and only seem to act upon the spark. I had it hugely with XP, so attracted to him, he totally consumed me. He's bad, bad news but it took 6 years for me to "get it".

I can remember the tummy ache, shakes and utter obsession of him.

......but my dd came out of it so it was worth every bit of the eventual heartache.

I think it's important to recognise that a spark can develop, or hit you suddenly after a few weeks or even months of dating someone- it may not strike you straight away. My ex-boyfriend was quite emotionally abusive, never violent outside of sex but very rough with me during sex - a few times mid-sex I asked him to stop and he didn't, etc etc. I 'followed my heart' when I met this bloke and absolutely felt that spark. With my current boyfriend who I've been with two years now, I didn't even fancy him much to start with, just sort of let him take me out, let him kiss me, and a little while later the spark just suddenly exploded into my life - but it was a better 'spark', a true thing, something that wasn't illusory or sudden but which had taken time to come to the fore. That, in retrospect, was much more special. I waited for the lightning bolt, and it did come in time. I knew he was a good guy so I decided to stick with him for a bit, on a casual basis, and then suddenly found myself head over heels in love with him. Give the non-spark guy a chance, definitely!

I think however if you NEVER felt a spark even after a good period of time together, you would have to reassess the situation.

Also often in my - limited - experience, guys who have that immediate 'spark' even if not ever abusive can certainly be the charming and overconfident types, which isn't what I'd want in relationships any more.

Sorry for the ramble KarmaK.... in effect, what I'm trying to say is, I think you're absolutely right.

Met for 30 mins today... date arranged for mid week and at the weekend

I like him. He's nice. Nice has been absent in my life until now. It's odd, but I like it!