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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've noticed that when I feel an instant "spark" when meeting a new man, he always turns out to be >

78 replies

KarmaK · 12/03/2012 17:54

a complete nightmare, more often than not either abusive or just a jerk.

It's taken me a long time to really realize this. I mistake that "spark" for strong chemistry or even love at first sight. In fact, time and time again the spark has in fact been a sign that I've just met a man who is extremely familiar - yet another abuser!

It's actually the sane, healthy men I feel no spark with and thus don't bother to date or get to know.

Anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:
HepHep · 12/03/2012 18:18

Yes! And I've sworn off dating til I can get myself sorted and completely trust my judgment. At the moment I just don't - in fact, if I like someone I then instantly become very wary of them, because more likely than not they'll turn out to be a bit of a prick. This is really sad and I end up quite isolated :(
Watching this with interest. By the way, I've seen a few other thread of yours KarmaK, and felt there was lots of common ground between your situation and mine.

I dunno how to become healthier in the people I pick. After all, nice, decent people are out there. For whatever reason, I'm programmed to find them boring and my eyes just glaze over when I meet them. I don't know how to change that.

tanfastic · 12/03/2012 18:21

I agree. I'm married but before I was married the blokes I felt an instant
Lust for always turned out to be a head fuck. All of my long term great relationships have been with blokes that took a while to feel a spark with.

Original poster
KarmaK · 12/03/2012 18:23

Have you tried therapy HepHep? I'm finding it helpful

OP posts:
TheOriginalNutcracker · 12/03/2012 18:24

I agree, I always fancy the wronguns.

Have just started seeing someone who there isn't an initial spark with, but who is a nice bloke. Just gonna see how it goes and keep telling myself that nice is good, even if it's not exciting.

HepHep · 12/03/2012 18:24

I can't afford it, Karma :(

Original poster
KarmaK · 12/03/2012 18:29

Sorry to hear that hun. I do find it a bit of a stretch to afford it myself but I continue because it helps so much x

OP posts:
Original poster
KarmaK · 12/03/2012 18:30

Nutcracker, definitely worth giving it a go! Good luck

OP posts:
molly3478 · 12/03/2012 19:18

I am totally the other way round I feel the spark for the really nice sweet ocely ones and thats who I ended up marrying. I find nothing sexier

My best friend is totally the opposite and only finds the spark in men that ht her, control her or are complete arseholes. You try and set her up wih the nice, lovely caring ones and she just doesnt see the attraction or spark. I really dont get why she does it, and nor does anyone else it makes no sense to me whatsoever.

molly3478 · 12/03/2012 19:20

I will also add I had the whirlwind marriage thing with the worlds nicest, sweetest loveliest man that stuff turns me on why do some people like the head fuck stuff? I really cant get it wish I could as it would make me understand my friends choices more.

neuroticmumof3 · 12/03/2012 19:21

I've had many a dire relationship that started due to that instant spark. I would like to think in future I'd see it as a warning sign and back away.

HoudiniHissy · 12/03/2012 19:26

I felt an electric shock when I met my now X. I thought it was a sign.

It was. Took me 10 years to get out Sad

I had one of those lucid dreams where I dreamt that DS crawled out of a 4th floor window, the feeling I had when I woke up was the same feeling. It's the strongest pulling sensation and it's in my nether regions area, the womb I suppose.

Easy to confuse a feeling in that place as a yearning... I now realise that the spark is FEAR.

izzyizin · 12/03/2012 19:31

As it would seem that the various threads you've posted over the last couple of days have an underlying common theme which relates to your self-esteem and sense of self-worth, Karmak.

I'd also suggest that if you stay on one your threads there'll be more consistency in the responses you receive than if they are spread over what may seem to others to be a series of unrelated topics.

If you are experiencing a lack of self-esteem due to dps that were less than nurturing it may be that this thread will be of interest to you:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1393943-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families

fraggle500 · 12/03/2012 19:33

OMG, Will be watching this thread with interest. Your OP does sound just like me. Would very much like some to tell me how to NOT miss read the sign! I.e It's a warning, not a spark.

izzyizin · 12/03/2012 19:36

Apologies for my sloppy handiwork above - please delete 'As' from my response of 19.31 together with 'I'd also suggest that' as my ability to 'cut & paste' appears to have taken a hike...

Original poster
KarmaK · 12/03/2012 19:40

Before I went on my first date with this latest jerk-off (I've posted about him elsewhere) I had the most horrible stomach pain. I was extremely anxious and my stomach was actually in pain, the muscles were so clenched. I stupidly mistook this for pre-date nerves and listened to a friend who convinced me I was just nervous about the idea of a date. What I should have done was noted the fact that normally when I'm going on a date I don't feel nervous to the point where I have to actually take painkillers to relieve stomach pain. What that pain was was actually my gut instinct kicking me in, warning me that this man was potentially a total and utter tool who I'd do best to avoid....

Just a few weeks before I'd gone on a first date with a man who's actually sane and decent and I'd felt calm before the date. No gut instinct warning me off!

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 12/03/2012 19:48

in fact, if I like someone I then instantly become very wary of them, because more likely than not they'll turn out to be a bit of a prick."

This is me and I have only just realised it. I don't generally actually like the men I am attracted to, just fancy them. That's actually quite scary really.

izzyizin · 12/03/2012 19:50

As I recall, you'd met the loser guy before you went on your first date. Did you experience the same wrenching gut feeling before you embarked on your second date with him?

Original poster
KarmaK · 12/03/2012 19:53

looking back, I felt the same extreme gut wrenching sensations prior to each date with him. I've been on plenty of other first and second dates over the past 12 months and never felt anything nearly as dramatic. Naively I mistook this feeling for true connection when in fact it was probably just a big warning sign!

And he's just called. Yuck. (I let it go to voicemail)

OP posts:
singingprincess · 12/03/2012 20:07

I am really getting into this at the moment...but when your body tells you something, it's a good idea to listen.

If something makes you feel sick, gut wrenched, whatever...your body already knows, through visual cues, vibes, non verbal stuff, whatever, that there is a problem.

I don't understand why I haven't noticed something so screamingly obvious before.....just sharing.

Original poster
KarmaK · 12/03/2012 20:16

It's amazing really, isn't it SingingPrincess? Our body tells us but our logical mind often overrides it, LOL!

OP posts:
izzyizin · 13/03/2012 03:10

He's not going to give up easily, Karmak - he'll keep on calling, his type always do.

Take the advice you were given on one of your other threads; give him call and tell him 'as the chemistry isn't there for me there's no point in us meeting again and I wish you all the best for the future, goodbye' and put the phone down.

If he attempts to argue, state 'my decision is final' and repeat until you get fed up and hang up.

Regard it as an exercise in assertiveness. Think polite and firm - and be it.

Abitwobblynow · 13/03/2012 09:16

Hi KarmaK, absolutely!

Not just romantic or confined to men, either. In fact, I have learned that if I find someone absolutely wonderful when I first meet them, that I must be on my guard.

Which is logical really. What it is telling us is that we are responding the way they want us to, so we are being manipulated. Therefore, verify.

I now have no problem seeing this as a warning sign. Whereas before I used to think I was a stupid fool.

Just keep working on your stuff, and it won't happen for much longer. Your stomach cramps told you, and you are nearly at the stage where you will hear it all earlier! Keep on keeping on!

CailinDana · 13/03/2012 10:08

I had a friend like this and I was so sick of her hooking up with bastards and then coming crying to me that I said to her the next time she felt a spark she should ignore it completely and make a concerted effort to go for a guy she could see being a good friend. If he just turned out to be a good friend, nothing lost, but if he turned out to be more then result! She is now with a fantastic caring guy and they're planning to get married :)

Lemonylemon · 13/03/2012 10:50

This is a really interesting thread..... As I'm a bit of an old gimmer, I've had quite a few relationships. With pretty much all of them, and one in particular, I've had the "stomach churn" at the beginning. In fact, one person I had a relationship with, I felt like I'd walked smack bang into a mirror. What a huge, huge mistake that relationship turned out to be. It was only a 5 month relationship, but by the end of it, I'd not only been skewered, but barbecued too.... Sad

I have had another couple of relationships after that, but the last one ended with my OH dying. Suffice it to say, I've had plenty of time since then to think about things and try to unravel the whys and wherefores and I don't think that I'll be having another relationship in the near future - but that's OK, I've got my 2 DCs and plenty of DIY to be getting on with Smile

FreakoidOrganisoid · 13/03/2012 17:11

I generally have the instant spark thing with the bad boys. Not necessarily abusers but men who are less likely to commit, the players, the ones that love themselves..

I think it's the challenge I recognise and am drawn to.

But I'm now seeing someone lovely who I didn't have the instant spark thing with so hopefully I've broken the pattern.