I've noticed that when I feel an instant "spark" when meeting a new man, he always turns out to be >

[KarmaK]

a complete nightmare, more often than not either abusive or just a jerk.

It's taken me a long time to really realize this. I mistake that "spark" for strong chemistry or even love at first sight. In fact, time and time again the spark has in fact been a sign that I've just met a man who is extremely familiar - yet another abuser!

It's actually the sane, healthy men I feel no spark with and thus don't bother to date or get to know.

Anyone else experienced this?

Karmark,

That's so odd. In my last very, very toxic relationship I too had such bad stomach pains, with upset tummy that started about an hour before the date. I used to take pills to stop the "runs" and painkillers for the pain. I put it down to excitement, that I had found the love of my life! God, if only I could of looked into the future........It was my body telling me, stay away...He's no good for you.

Oh my gosh Fraggle! Can you tell me more about that relationship. In fact I will try to message you (not sure how to do so)

Click on message poster option to the right of your name and date of message...

Thank you :)

Can't find a decent link, but you might find it worthwhile looking into 'Life Traps'. I was given a book a few years ago, I'm not sure though if it's this one, but can't remember the name offhand. Anyway, it made a lot of sense.

Had exactly the same thing. Told my friends it was an unfailing method of arsehole detection: if I liked someone, proof positive of card-carrying arsehole status. Have managed now to bypass the faulty wiring and am finally with a good bloke. I think.

Is there any common link as to where you all meet these arseholes? Does it tend to be in pubs and clubs?

I meet them everywhere from friends' dinner parties to work events. I don't go to clubs and have never dated a man I met in a pub.

Just a thought, having been lurking on this thread... I didn't have problems with arsehole relationships when I was younger. I became 'sexually experienced' quite late. Up to this point I dated nice, sometimes unexciting men. It seems like at the point I became vulnerable to the lust thing, when I lost my virginity, the arseholes seemed to pick up on it, and home in on it. So for me, that does make it about sex. Anyone else identify with this?

So the logical extension of my above post is that if you can shut down/protect your sexuality in some way, you may not be as vulnerable perhaps.

Wow. This thread is absolutely eye opening. I'm slightly different in that my worst relationships have been with absolute charmers who pursue me - I've not been that interested at first - but the physical reactions are the same.

Thank you for opening a whole new train of thought for me. I am genuinely sitting here stunned.

Parsley, I lived in Egypt, females are shut down in every way imaginable. Sexual harassment is endemic!

It's not about US shutting down a natural and healthy side to ourselves, it's about us setting boundaries, and sticking to them. It's about us spotting disregard and being strong enough to take a stance.

Parsley Yes, I'm thinking along those lines too. Because of my personal circumstances, I've had to do this in order not to end up in emotional trouble again as I was/am so vulnerable. It's been a really conscious effort to do this. That's a very interesting thought.

I am also in this boat .. so how do you know you fancy someone then??? If you can't rely on the gut feeling of your physical reaction???

god I'm confused! :(

It's interesting but I think I've felt sick at some stage with all of my relationships. Or nearly all.

Sometimes I think it is a sign that someone is making me angry but I dare not express it, like the horrible man who turned up at my house after I'd asked him for some space - he had no respect - I felt terrible. And I'd also felt really sick after the first time I slept with him, because I hadn't really wanted to and when I'd arrived at his place, he had treated me as though it was a done deal and I wasn't allowed to back out of it.

Nothing specifically said but strong body language and so on, made me go along with it though I didn't want to.

But then I was seeing someone really nice and harmless a while ago and I also got that sick feeling and had to go out in the garden for 10 minutes on my own, when we started getting physical.

Maybe it's a kind of PTSD from the ones who were truly awful? And I had it briefly with my present DP who is I think absolutely alright, but then of course there is always an element of doubt till you know someone for a while.

It was only brief with him, we got close and afterwards I had to leave him by himself and run outside and sit shaking for a while, trying to calm myself down, just this awful fear... and then I came to find him, and he was sitting shaking having a cigarette out the front! Both as scared as each other!

And I haven't felt scared since. So it might be a sign but then it might also be something your body does when you're on high alert from a previous bad experience...iyswim.

Liarswife - I don't know. I mean I know how you know you fancy someone, but not how you know if they are going to be any good for you.

I think when they are as frightened and display the same signs of insecurity as you, and you can tell them what you feel and they listen and stop doing something that's made you scared or whatever - when they appear to care more about you than themselves, then that is a very good sign.

DP is someone I never thought I would go for, in terms of well, loads of things but what it all comes right down to is whether I feel safe and protected with him and I do, very much. No one's wanted to protect me before, I've had to look after myself, and now I get the feeling that if I need something, he will want to do it for me.

I don't know what other signs there are. (now watch me post about my relationship going down the tube!!! lol)

I read that excitement is very close to fear in the brain - often people confuse them? I know I did with one man, very strange feeling that.

The "instant attraction" thing. Had it with nice guys and not-so-nice guys. BTW, in group studies, Narcisissts are known to make a very good first impressions with people, which usually fades away pretty shortly - so that may explain some of that initial "wow" factor.

I also think when women are lonely, isolated or broke, they become more vulnerable in this way. It looks like a man might help with the situation, but of course, it rarely does and the price is high.

Am interested in your experience Issy in Egypt about women "being shut down", care to say more, I mean shut down in what way?

when I first met my STBX I didn't fancy him so I thought that he was 'safe' .. although we did get on well .. I think he is a narcissist though and only showed his true colours after we got married

Some of the worst boyfriends were the ones I thought of as 'safe' because I didn't have an instant attraction...you can think so much with your head and try to work out the trick to getting it right, but in the end sometimes someone just comes along that is really really great. And you don't always know they are straight away, trust takes time, and it's hard to wait when you fancy them a lot.

So it's a risk I suppose.

The two times in my life that I've met someone and felt that jolt, which I thought was love at first sight, are the two times I have been the most hurt. They are also the two times I have been cheated on. They were not "bad boys" - they were both just children in adults' bodies. Both great fun to be around, both the "life and soul of the party", both terrible with money, and neither ever lifted a finger around the house. One of them even had to be reminded to brush his teeth each night.

When I first met DP I thought there wasn't a future for us. He was considerate, respectful, responsible, good with money, loads of things that we all know are desirable traits. But he just wasn't very exciting. I wanted that jolt, that spark, that uncontrollable urge to rip his clothes off, etc etc. We broke up, but when I found out I was pregnant we got back together, and he has proved to be the most wonderful partner I could hope for.

I am so thankful that I did get pregnant, not just because we have a lovely daughter, but because if I hadn't, I would still be looking for that jolt, and going out with dickheads who would mess me about and who I'd end up supporting financially.

Try to be rational, make lists of their qualities and their less desirable traits. Trust your gut. Be aware that just because he gives you the horn, it doesn't make him a good partner.

I'm not sure. I don't have sex with anyone. Doesn't keep the jerkoffs from chasing me.

"Sometimes I think it is a sign that someone is making me angry but I dare not express it, like the horrible man who turned up at my house after I'd asked him for some space - he had no respect - I felt terrible. And I'd also felt really sick after the first time I slept with him, because I hadn't really wanted to and when I'd arrived at his place, he had treated me as though it was a done deal and I wasn't allowed to back out of it."

This is so horrible Jane. I really feel for you. I hope you will never, ever let some arsehole treat you like that again!

Thankyou, yes, it was but the worst thing was I was so keen not to be with someone abusive again (or to see that I was), that I couldn't allow myself to react the right way (ie run away screaming). I could not see what was happening. Though our sex life never really took off after that first time, and I think that was just that I didn't feel comfortable with him. I'd thought he was my last chance iyswim.

Now I know what it is to really properly want someone, and love them in that way that means you want to be with them 24/7 if possible, and preferably naked but it doesn't matter too much - it's the feeling you have when you sleep with someone and you're getting their love, instead of them getting a power hit over you.

I hope I never will let anyone like that near me again, as well.

I'm in this at the moment. With a great 'nice' guy..not a huge spark when we first met and keep having up and down thoughts about if we're right for each other..because for me the spark = me being besotted with someone, which always end up with me being hurt by them..

Totally get this..what is the answer??!! This thread has really made me think that maybe the spark isn't the be all and end all...I just want to really believe that and not sure I'm totally there yet...

Well it's really hard because I also know a great guy who has been around for years and years, and if we had had the spark we'd have been together but we never made it.
I couldn't, not without that physical and emotional draw that you get...yes, he was fascinating and kind and honest but it wasn't enough.

Now I have the spark with someone and tbh I can't imagine not having it. Wherever it leads me, it's my guiding light, or rather, he is...probably stupid to say that but I feel so strongly, and I don't know why. And so far he is doing me good.

It's like that saying, it isn't about the multitude of guys you could live with, it's about the one guy you cannot live without, and that's what DP is to me. So I think the spark is important. There were a lot of men over the years that I could, or thought I could have forged some kind of life with, but none of them was right.

And this one, whatever his background, looks, situation, none of it matters a jot because all I can see is how great he is, and how great he makes me feel.
I just cannot imagine not being with him. I can't imagine it at all.