Is there a kinder way of leaving someone?

[desperategit]

I expect - and deserve - all sorts of flack for posting this here. But I am a man trying to understand the least harmful way of leaving a sexless and loveless marriage. I know it is cruel and it will hurt. And I will take 90% of the blame. But I really would value women's perspectives.

Over 20 years married, DCs aged 17 and 11. Never much sex right from the start, but down to perhaps once a month even before kids. Perhaps 4 times a year since. I always turned down opportunities offered to stray until 2 years ago, then a rather unsatisfactory one night stand, which a year later became an affair which I ended when my wife discovered it. After that a month or so of intimacy and then nothing. And now I am in another affair, and I have to face that I have to leave my marriage.

My wife has a very low libido, sex for her is not iimportant, she has refused to go to counselling, to discuss the issue, to consider toys, books, or really to discuss the issue at all. She just wants to forget that I had an affair, not talk about us, continue a comfortable unchanged life as we drift apart. I can't do that. We get one life.

So - I need to leave my wife, and when I tell her this she will immediately think there is an OW. So I can't say it is just because I need some space. I do need to move on but I genuinely don't want to tear her apart. I know this makes me a hypocrite.

I just wonder what the least worst way of doing it is.

I think in the end, honesty is the only way. Ben truthful, yes there is another woman, and this is because you need intimacy and sex. It will hurt, but it will always hurt... i think you owe her the truth.

You will be flamed, but I'll leave that to others. Kindest thing is honesty. Tell her the whole lot. Don't drip feed. Don't leave things for her to find out bit by bit.

Be honest.

You're having your 2nd affair in 2 years?

What's the point of lying? If you tell her the truth you won't be a hypocrite and you'll be able to salvage whatever is left of your personal integrity in the process.

If you intend to move in with the ow, do the decent thing and give your wife prior warning but be prepared for her to demand that you leave immediately.

The "least worst" way from her point of view is -tell no more lies.

One of the main headfuck thing about affairs is the way the cheater tells the wronged person that everything they feel instinctively or even see with their own eyes is wrong, and they end up doubting their sanity as well as dealing with the pain of their relationship ending.

Sort it out quickly.

I think that you owe it to your wife to tell her the truth as others have said.

Two affairs in the same amount of years is taking the piss really out of her and her devotion to the marriage whilst your off attending to your 'needs' elsewhere.

Grow a pair and tell her everything, calmly and without being nasty about it. Tell her gently the reasons why you are cheating and then get out of her life.

Be honest, you no longer want the life you have it is making you unhappy and you want to move out and move on.
Make sure you provide for your children and they know you are not leaving them.
Good luck

You can't leave kindly. But you can leave honestly. This obviously doesn't include speaking for two hours on everything you felt was wrong with the relationship. Name the issue, take responsibility for the affairs and be clear about your decision.

Do it honestly and face to face. Don't send an e-mail as my stbx did!

be honest, and be prepared to make a swift exit. also talk to a solicitor as i expect she will be doing the same.

You havent gone about this th

*stupid bastarding phones

you havent gone about this the right way, but leave honestly.

Chrononaut - you havent gone about this the right way, but leave honestly

How is the right way to go about leaving your wife and family home?

You are too late. The kindest way to leave a bad relationship is to do it when you haven't already started screwing around. Leave quickly and honestly and don't try to drag it out.

"How is the right way to go about leaving your wife and family home?"

Not having two affairs beforehand?

Anyway I would just add to the previous excellent advice - don't try and blame it on her, and don't try to be Mr Nice Guy Who Wants To Stay Chums after you've gone.

Thanks everyone. What you say makes good sense.

The temptation is to lie and sugar-coat the pill. But openness and honesty, whilst not going on too much about the things that have lead to this seems the right way forwards. I must shoulder most of the blame. She/we could have done things that prevented this, but that ship has sailed.

I must shoulder most of the blame.

Try all of it.

I'm sorry to be a bitch here but YOU had the affairs, You are the one with plans for the future, YOU are the one who is about to turn her world upside down, and let's not forget, YOUR children's too.

When people have affairs, it's not just their DW/H's who will get hurt, it's the wider family too.

Christmas, Birthdays and other events will never be the same again. Ever.

You have to look at the bigger picture as well as here and now and understand that your wife may well want to know Every Little Detail to make her hate you. Do you know what I mean by that?

The more she knows, the more she can start to distance herself emotionally from you.

She won't stop loving you assuming that she still does. Her life is about to turn upside down so please, so not lie about anything else.

She may make it her business to find out the tiniest detail so that she can come to terms with what you plan to do, and of course what you have already.

Did you ever ask her about your sex lives? Did you ever give her the chance to really sit and talk about it?

Really understand that there was a problem between you?

Sugar-coating inevitably makes the other partner feel she is losing her mind. Because you say one thing, but the opposite is obviously the truth, but she wants to trust you, etc. etc. etc.

Don't do that to her. Tell her you are leaving, there is another woman, but you are leaving because you aren't happy, and even if there was no other woman you would still need to leave in order to do the honest thing. Apologise for having an affair, say out loud that you wish you had had the courage to end the marriage in a more above-board way.

Like others said, don't talk about her and her mistakes, just focus on yourself and the fact that you are moving on.

Then leave swiftly, and don't try to "be friends". Just be civil and polite and decent to her but put definite emotional and physical distance between the two of you.

Good luck

Mouseface

You are right. Totally right. And I am still surprised at how she did not want to know details or information about the first affair. And no, she did not want to talk about our sex life at all, even 20 years ago. I really have tried. But obviously not done it well enough. I hope she doesn't love me. I am sure she knows there is a problem.

I was the child of divorced parents - I have seen the other side too - and I think that is what has stopped me from acting long ago.

It is not good and I am not proud or happy about any of this.

She/we could have done things that prevented this, but that ship has sailed.

Only you could have stopped you sticking bits of your anatomy in those two OW. You are solely responsible for your own actions. Don't try to blame her for them.

If she wouldn't talk, wouldn't listen, woudn't try new things to improve your sex life, then you had the choice to end it before screwing around. It wouldn't have been screwing around in that case.

So when you end it with her, don't even think of blaming her for your affairs.

Which matters more: your 11 year-old's happiness or your sex life?

Get your priorities straight

Hmm..... I am a great believer in not staying together for the sake of the children if the marriage is violent/abusive/aggressive etc..... or if there is constant rowing in front of the children.

You say that you've been in the boat you are about to put your wife, well, so was I at one point.

I blamed my mother for making my father leave. I was young and had no idea what relationships involved.

You need to be mindful of that; there's a very real chance that your children are going to blame you but also your wife.

Are you going to be with this OW if you leave your wife?

I would talk to her and could you consider giving the marriage another try? If she was willing to start having sex would you stay?

Sorry, posted too soon....

My father left because my mother found out that my father was shagging a 15yr. She is now his wife and they have DC together.

Thing is, everyone knew apart from my mother.

I hope that for your wife's sake, no-one beats you to it. I'm actually saddened by the fact that you stayed together after the first affair.

And now this..........

What do you think will happen when you tell her? Will she throw you out this time or are you planning to tell her and leave yourself.

As others have said, you need to own this and please, please make sure that your children know all of the facts, not the nasty bits obv, just that this is YOUR doing and nothing to do with their mum.

They will be confused and upset but then again you know that. Damage limitation is key with them but no more lies. You need to make sure that you have thought things through properly before you tell her.

I hope that you will continue to support your children. They are the victims here.

Sorry Fabwoman, I think that there's a reason the OP's wife doesn't want sex, (I don't know what) but I doubt him not leaving would change that unfortunately.