Is there a kinder way of leaving someone?

[desperategit]

I expect - and deserve - all sorts of flack for posting this here. But I am a man trying to understand the least harmful way of leaving a sexless and loveless marriage. I know it is cruel and it will hurt. And I will take 90% of the blame. But I really would value women's perspectives.

Over 20 years married, DCs aged 17 and 11. Never much sex right from the start, but down to perhaps once a month even before kids. Perhaps 4 times a year since. I always turned down opportunities offered to stray until 2 years ago, then a rather unsatisfactory one night stand, which a year later became an affair which I ended when my wife discovered it. After that a month or so of intimacy and then nothing. And now I am in another affair, and I have to face that I have to leave my marriage.

My wife has a very low libido, sex for her is not iimportant, she has refused to go to counselling, to discuss the issue, to consider toys, books, or really to discuss the issue at all. She just wants to forget that I had an affair, not talk about us, continue a comfortable unchanged life as we drift apart. I can't do that. We get one life.

So - I need to leave my wife, and when I tell her this she will immediately think there is an OW. So I can't say it is just because I need some space. I do need to move on but I genuinely don't want to tear her apart. I know this makes me a hypocrite.

I just wonder what the least worst way of doing it is.

Sex really is a big issue in relationships isn't it. There should be some sort of test you can do to test sexual compatibility. I read stories of wives annoyed with their husbands who are not interested and now this.

Why didn't you leave years ago? You are clearly unhappy and believe me a child who is 4 or 5 will take it much better than an 11 and 17 year old. They will hate you if they find out the truth.

You have no choice but to tell her the truth now. It will come out anyway.

However it is not totally your fault as some of the others have said. She has ha numerous chances to sort it out but you can't make someone want you.

Personally I can see why people do have affairs in these situations. My exw did and I am at least 50% to blame for that.

Just thinking out loud.

Sorry FabW - I didn't mean it to come across as dissing you

No, not at all. Just felt like I had missed something obvious (which I often do!).

Good post, maleview.
I can see both sides here. But as you can't change the past, you must be honest and start acting with integrity now, for the sake of your children.

I?m with Maleview on this. It must be soul destroying to be constantly rejected sexually, and in fairness to the OP he did explain this to his wife but she chose not to address the issue in any way. That?s a bigger problem than the lack of sex IMO, and says ?I don?t care, I?m happy, so lump it?. She had emotionally and sexually left the relationship so what does she expect. Sex isn?t everything, but refusing to acknowledge a problem in a relationship that is upsetting your partner is. In an ideal world no-one would cheat, but then in an ideal world couples would at least try and sort out their issues. She didn?t want to so she has to take some of the blame in the breakdown of the relationship too.

Regardless of what she has or hasn't done, although my actions might be understandable to me, they do put me totally in the wrong. I know that.

In answer to someone's question, the OW is exiting a broken marriage and has grown-up kids. It is by no means certain we will end up together. I think she is a symptom of the breakdown of my marriage not the cause.

Leaving a relationship is exhausting. Single parenthood is exhausting, by all accounts. If you can focus most of your energy on your children for some time (can you both manage to live close to each other?) then that characterises some of the more functional-looking co-parenting relationships I know of.

Well you absolutely need to stay on good terms with your wife for the sake of the kids.

Tell her you are unable to deal with a sexless (or nearly sexless) marriage. That would be a deal breaker for a lot of people. Ask her if she thinks the marriage can be transformed.

If she doesn't think it can then ask her how the separation can work best from her pov and what is most important to her, and try to gve her what she wants as far as you reasonably can.

I would end your current relationship until the dust has settled on your separation as this would be easier for your wife no doubt.

I can understand Maleview's reasons too. I don't like them but that's my problem.

I can sympathise with rejection. It is soul destroying, especially when it's sexual rejection.

I hope that you the relationships with your children will remain intact once the dust settles.

Great post EssentialFattyAcid. You would be well advised to follow that advice OP. It will work out best for you all in every conceivable way.

Good idea EFA - I wonder if the OW knows about the wife and what the OP plans to do?

I'm guessing she must as he plans to leave her for the OW, needs somewhere to live.

I agree with EssentialFattyAcid and I second WineGoggles' view that it is gutwrenching to live with a partner who knows that you are unhappy, yet wants you to stay without ever trying to address the problem (be it sexual, emotional, whatever).

However, remaining in a marriage, yet repeatedly and actively looking outside that marriage for love/sex is neither courageous nor dignified. There's also the potential damage to the other woman/women to consider.

It sounds as though you have been unhappy for a long time, and your wife must live a pretty empty existence too. That's a lot of hurting, and not a great example for a family. Gritting your teeth and facing up to short-term pain could lead to a happier existence for everyone in the longer term. Yes it will be hard for the kids, so make them your priority.

desperategit - you say the OW has grown up kids. Would it change your views on staying with your wife if your OW went through the menopause soon and perhaps lost interest in sex? Has your wife gone through the menopause - is that why she doesn't want sex?

The problem with having an affair is it clouds what is actually going on. It could be that you and your wife were going to split anyway. Having embarked on an affair, you cannot have an objective opinion on whether that is the the case or not.

I think that people (like your family and friends) may view you as a bit of a bastard. 2 affairs in recent years and walked out on wife and kids doesn't look good. I know there are reasons (some better than others) why this happens but it is not really clear whether your reasons are "good enough". To be fair to you, it is extremely hurtful to be continually stonewalled on an issue that is important, like sex. I wonder how much you and your wife talked about this and whether you spelled out to her that it would be the end if she did not tackle the issue with you.

This is just a random collection of thoughts really. My parents are divorced (I was a teenager) and my DH had an affair after 10 yrs of marriage, albeit for different reasons to you. Divorce is horrendous and the consequences are lifelong for you, your wife, kids and plenty of family and friends as well. I can't help but feel very concerned for your children who are about to have their home blasted apart.

I think some people here are too critical of the OP and maybe haven't experienced constant sexual rejection themselves. You end up losing your sense of self.

I think she is completely in the wrong for expecting you to put up with that sort of marriage. I can't understand why she wouldn't want to do something about it. If she doesn't want you sexually any more, she should be honest and tell you that and give you the opportunity to go elsewhere.

It will be terrible for your children but as long as you stay close to them (physically and emotionally) everyone will pull through it.

As far as your new woman is concerned, I would tell her not to leave home on your account. You need to end your marriage first, without someone waiting in the wings.

desperate I think you are quite brave coming on here and inviting a flaming from the hurt women who have experienced betrayal at the hands of a straying H. But it does seem that your marriage is over and it is time to change your relationship with your wife to that of co-parents.

It is quite possible to live near your wife, and share the care of your children equally if that is what you both agree. Treating her kindly and without blaming her for how things have turned out will make it easier to keep communicating over the DC and issues involving them. Making sure the finances are open and fair will help as well.

I have been in your shoes, and left my H to live alone. Our DC were older and chose to stay with him. Much to my relief after his initial shock and grief he quickly fell in love with someone new and has been very happy as far as I can tell. Your wife deserves that opportunity too, although she may not thank you for it!

How is the right way to go about leaving your wife and family home?
Mouseface That would be the opposite of the wrong way. HTH.

I completely agree with oikopolis & LittleHouseofCamelias

EssentialFattyAcid I agree with your comment about asking her what is most important, but I think it would be cruel to ask her if she thinks the marriage can be transformed. The OP comes across as pretty resolute. Once you reach that point, knowing that it is well and truly over and that it has been for years; that you are a long way past the point at which it could've been salvaged, then offering that ray of hope is just wrong.

Good luck, OP. Do not try to sugar-coat things. Be as honest as possible, consider her dignity at all times and do it quickly.

Man up; be honest! Wish that my XP had told the truth - would have saved years of misery, self-doubt and loss of confidence while he was leading a double life!

Know a few people who stay married for "show" but dislike each other in private and have separate beds (unless guests or relatives are staying). It's all about finances, AFAIK. They have all taken lovers.

I can't comment on who is at fault, but I agree with the others that honesty is the key.
Do not "blame" the other person but talk about how you feel.

I'd just like to point out, from a female point of view that lack of libido can be due or made worse to the attitudes by the other partner.
Getting over one affair is quite difficult, particularly if the "offending party" tries to blame the other for the affair (as you seem to be doing).
You seem to only mind the lack of sex, but don't mention intimacy (real, not sex), talking, etc.

Not that it matters now. I think you'll be doing your wife a favour by leaving if you are on your 2nd affair.

Personally, I suspect your wife would in fact be happy to be without you, even if it hurts her initially.

I just want to say that you are everything that disappoints us about men.

You want to leave your wife because of a lack of intimacy- fair enough. You say you have tried to resolve this issue unsuccessfully.

But why oh why did you have to have two affairs before leaving your wife? Why didn't you have the balls to leave her if it was so obvious the marriage could not be saved? At least you both would have been left with some dignity. As it is you will both feel seedy and ashamed and the kids will be disgusted. All good memories that you do have of your marriage will be tarnished. This did not need to have been the case.

Shame on you.

I'm not sure. I don't really understand why someone would stay in a marriage AND have an affair at the same time...if you prefer the person you're sleeping with, why not leave the wife? And if you prefer the wife, why sleep with someone else.

Being with someone properly is about accepting them as they are and not having to do things behind their back to satisfy your own needs. Things that would hurt them.

Anyway, I agree with most people that you need to be honest, gently of course, take responsibility, say you have not been happy for a while now and need to have the intimacy she doesn't really want.

It's all you can do. I think a lot of people would struggle with the idea of not having sexual intimacy with even someone they love very much...I'm not sure I could manage a lifetime without sex, even though I love my partner.

You have got to be honest...or if you feel she would rather not know about the other person, say the same thing without mentioning that you have someone else in mind. The point is you need to leave the marriage, whether or not you have someone else.

I hope she is alright.

Sounds like neither of you have wanted to face facts. It's been over for years. Do the right thing, be honest and leave.

I'm tempted to say don't be too bone achingly honest. Yes, tell her that you don't want to be with her anymore, yes tell her that there is someone else in your life, but I'm not sure there is anything to be gained from telling her it is your 2nd affair in 2 years.

Don't give any false hope and be understanding of how very, very angry your wife may be.

My ex-H had an affair and we are now divorced. It is 9 years on & we rub along ok. Our children still love him, I don't feel as though my years with him were tarnished by how are relationship broke down at the end. I'm glad I am not with him anymore. However, I was livid - white hot livid at the time.

Well done for trying to do this half-way decently and not the cowards way, which is to be so unbelievably careless that you get found out.

In answer to your question, the kindest thing to do is to be honest that you are having another affair and that now the other woman is leaving her marriage, you have decided that the timing suits you to leave.

Because that seems to be the truth here. You're only leaving now because you've got someone who will be free to be with you. I doubt you'd leave and fess up to your wife if the other woman was staying with her husband, or wasn't interested in a serious relationship. If that were the case, I think you'd go on deceiving your wife and would stay in a relationship you say is unhappy. Again, because it suited you and because you don't want to be on your own and look after yourself.

I wonder whether your timing suits your wife and your children? Is the 11 year old about to start secondary school and is the 17 year old about to do 'A' levels?

This isn't just about being honest with your wife, it's about being honest with yourself.

You're leaving because it suits you, not because your marriage has become untenable. If it had been that bad and you had any ethics, you'd have left beforehand before being repeatedly unfaithful. You're responsible for that.