What to do - Sexless, but loving marriage

[spottycup]

My wife and I have been married for 3 years and we have a young son.

My wife just doesn't want sex with me, and this didn't start as a result of childbirth. I've tried tackling it head on by talking to her about on a number of occasions and there are always hollow promises about changing things, but after a couple of weeks things are back to normal. I'm alwayts trying to show my wife how much I fancy her and want a great sex life with her, but she's just not interested and I don't know what to do.

I don't want to even think about leaving, but this is eating me up inside and I can't think of anything else to try. This is not something has has happened over night and its ruining my every waking minute. I've gone as far as thinking about killing myself, because that almost feels better than ending our relationship, but its only my mind racing with ideas about having no more options.

She just doesn't want me anymore and I don't think i can bear it.

I'm sure other people will be along with better suggestions, but if your wife has not always felt this way but the overall relationship is good, perhaps there is a physical problem such as thyroid, iron or hormonal imbalance. Perhaps if you google for other symptoms, something will sound familiar and she would agree to speak to gp

I'm sure other people will be along with better suggestions, but if your wife has not always felt this way but the overall relationship is good, perhaps there is a physical problem such as thyroid, iron or hormonal imbalance. Perhaps if you google for other symptoms, something will sound familiar and she would agree to speak to gp

OP, has it ever been different? if so, what was the turning point, do you think? I'm really sorry you feel so low, you badly need some distraction while you are trying to resolve this, either a hobby or extra exercise, meditation even! It's very unhealthy to get so focused and obsessed with one aspect of life to the point of thinking about suiside, and it won't help as it's creating a lot of pressure on both you.

*suicide, obv.

I really feel for you, and can maybe give you some insight from my own experience of being on the other side, as it were - ie: the wife who seems to be rejecting...I know there could be physical causes as suggested by mercibucket, but if these have been looked at..

Has your sex life ever been any good? I know you say she wasn't interested before childbirth, but I was wondering how you conceived your son?

Ours went downhill after some seriously wounding rows (I don't mean physically wounding - emotionally)we had - about various things - which happened partly as a result of the stresses and strains of having our first baby... I found that the part of me that could be intimate kind of closed off as a result of this breakdown in the really special bond we had. I still loved him, and it wasn't that I wanted to leave ... My DH is quite a sensitive soul, perhaps a bit like you, and stopped making overtures after being unsuccessful. We have had counselling which has massively repaired our friendship, but the sexual side is lacking.

Yet we still have loads going for us - we have romantic times, are a great partnership socially and financially and in all kinds of ways ...
I also wanted to add that, while I do really enjoy sex, I can also very happily live without it...I wonder if quite a few women are like this? It's not that I don't have a libido, it's just something I can do without - you know, like maybe enjoying a really special gourmet meal or somehting ... I can really enjoy it, but it isn't fundamental to me?
Not sure this is much help! was just wondering what has really been going on - beneath the surface?

My wife and I have been married for 3 years and we have a young son

I'm alwayts trying to show my wife how much I fancy her and want a great sex life with her

How exhausting that sounds.

its ruining my every waking minute. I've gone as far as thinking about killing myself, because that almost feels better than ending our relationship

That's extreme. If you really feel that way, you should speak to your GP.

You are obviously putting a huge amount of pressure on her. You need to think about what that kind of pressure would do to anyone's libido.

I was in a sexless marriage and eventually left because of it. What really killed our relationship over those 3 years, more so than the actual lack of sex (and that was making me feel dead), was his refusal to deal with or take action/responsibility for working to resolving the issue. I feel very strongly that a huge component of marriage is the contract to be the other's sexual partner for life and if you are not doing that OR taking steps to address it then you've broken your vows - obviously I mean where other partner is not happy with it and it's not medical and other disclaimers.

Sorry, hit post too soon there. What I wanted to ask is whether she understands it's a serious issue (because it is) and whether she'd go to counselling? My husband got a referral for counselling right at the end, but it was too late. His lack of action, despite talk after talk, in the years leading up to that had ended it for me.

do you know why she doesn't want sex with you?

How old is your son? I'm assuming he must be quite small.

I have two children, 6 and 3. To be honest, I'm knackered. I fall into bed exhausted every night. DH tries to get frisky and I just bat him away most of the time and I know he gets upset by it.

We are a happy couple and very affectionate.

Thing is, it feels like everyone wants a piece of me. Kids after my attention all day and very physically demanding. Cuddling, carrying, clamouring. Then they go to bed and I have some peace for a while until DH starts looking at me expectantly. I just want to be left alone and for noone to ask me or expect anything of me.

This is hard and unfair on DH and I realise not helpful to you. What I'm trying to say is that telling her how sexy and desirable she is might not be helping, and contemplating suicide is really not going to help if she is struggling to cope with feeling responsible for everyone's happiness.

the thing is though, she should talk to you not just dismiss you, I agree with Elusive. Most women with one small child (obviously not just after childbirth) do feel like sex, if not as often as before, but still. Sometimes breastfeeding kills the desire, as many women said on MN, if she is bf, then just give it time. But otherwise she needs to take some action re hormones or counselling as it is completly unfair to blank your partner whatever the gender, as Elusive describes.

If you are thinking of, or threatening, suicide because of a lack of sex then you need some counselling. Sex is an important part of many people's lives but not that important, and if you are letting these feelings show to your wife then it's actually not surprising she is backing off. Desperation is never attractive.
How is the rest of your relationship? Do you have fun together, share interests, treat each other with kindness? Are you (and this is very important) doing your fair share of domestic work and childcare? One thing that puts a lot of women off sex within a relationship is a man who doesn't do his fair share. It's hard to feel sexual desire for someone who is demonstrating that he considers you a domestic servant rather than a partner.

Quite right solid gold. I have told my husband on numerous occasions that nothing says I love you like mopping the floor

Suicide would hurt them alot more than you leaving.

If she completely refuses then you can either deal with it, talk to her about you going elsewhere for sex or leave her and start again. You can still be a good father if you don't live there. Sometimes people are just not compatible in that way.

Ho hum.... I don't see a heck of a lot of sympathy for the OP. I really feel for him. Unless you have lived in a marriage of constant rejection, you have no idea how damaging it is and how desperate you can end up so I can quite understand the SP saying he is feeling suicidal. I do hope things aren't as bad as that for you OP... please please take a deep breath and take stock of your situation.

You need to TALK with your wife... yes, I am sure everyone on here will say that is pressure, but if you brush it under the carpet, it won't go away. OP, yes I think you should show you value your wife... make her feel special, make her laugh, treat her, do the chores etc... but I really don't think a man should become so subservient that he 'mops the floor' in order to have a loving warm intimate relationship with his wife. It should be a given if you love each other.... ok ok it will wax and wane but to cut off sexual relations in a marriage because you don't feel like it is cruel, whatever the reasons.
It is totally soul destroying to be in this situation. I don't think it helps by saying that him being suicidal about this is putting undue pressure on her. What about him? Perhaps his wife needs to realise how desperate he is getting about this.

So OP.... don't brush it under the carpet, do talk about it again with her. Treat your wife gently, with respect and lovingly and try and woo her again a little... perhaps she is just a bit out of synch with life in general. Try to do some fun things together. I do hope it works out for you. I know how you feel

Thanks for your messages.

In answer to a couple of things:

Our son is 18 months old, and amazing.

I don't put my wife under any pressure, it doesn't feel right, but that means that she never instigates anytyhing and can generally do without being intimate with me, but says she loves me, which I'm sure she does.

I do more round the house and in respect of childcare than anyone I know, and generally spend all my time at home doing this.

I'm not feeling so low purely as a result of lack of sex. It's the feeling of being unwanted, not being good enough and having knowhere to turn that makes me feel like this.

I just don't know where to turn. Talking about it seems to be the right thing to do, but I've done this a few times now and it hasn't work. Just ends up making me feel worse because I start to think I'm pressuring her, which is so not the case. I don't think wanting some sort of intimate relationship with your wife is pressuring anyone.

spottycup... it sounds like you have reached an impasse. If you are doing so much round the house and generally supporting her, it is not fair if she isn't prepared to talk about this.

There is nothing worse than feeling unwanted and being rejected.... it eats into you and affects self esteem and morale greatly. You do sound very down.

Can you manage to cuddle her, touch her gently, hold her hand? Don't lose that affection, because if you do, even that will be very hard to recover. Your wife should talk with you ... it is so unfair to expect one person in a marriage to accept this. I wish I could suggest something to help and all I can say is... don't accept it and keep talking to her.

Hi SpottyCup
Your post could have been written by me, except it's my DH who isn't interested. I have tried to discuss it so many times, and every time there's a promise to try and improve things but it never comes to anything. I told him last time this came up that I am not making the first move again - it has wrecked my self-esteem to feel that I always have to make the running, that I'm obviously so unattractive to him that he's never overtaken with desire so he'll make the first move...it's sh!t. He claims he's just not that into sex, which is fine I guess, but I don't see why I should have to "give up" because he's not that fussed. To be fair he bought me some undies for Christmas after the last discussion, but there was no follow-up, so it was still left to me to do something with it!
So, I'm hoping we can see someone at Relate or something, but if there's nothing to "fix" - it's just a case of accepting we have different needs, then I don't know where we go from here.
Sorry, there wasn't much help for you in that, but alot of sympathy!

What does your wife say? Apart from that she loves you. Does she ask you to do or not do specific things? Is she generally happy? It might help to get some couple-counselling via Relate if your wife is willing. Sometimes it helps to discuss a problem within a marriage with someone else there to make sure that both partners are hearing what the other one is saying.

It is hard living with constant rejection, just as it is hard living with constant pressure for sex. But when a couple have mismatched libidos, the only way to resolve the situation is to see it as a shared problem that needs effort from both partners to resolve it.

Hi OrdinarySoup. You are me years and years ago. I could have written that post totally.

The trouble is... there is nothing worse when you do talk to your OH and they promise faithfully to do something about it, to change, to try, and then they don't. It is just paying lip service and fobbing you off because bottom line is... for some reason or other they don't want you sexually and it is selfish, mean and not what you signed up for when you took your marriage vows. No-one should deny another intimacy and sexual relations unless there is a strong medical reason. Of course, when DCs are born there are times when sexual relations are put on the back burner for quite a while... but to deny because you don't fancy it or can't be bothered is just not fair.

Ordinarysoup.... I am afraid I did the Relate thing too... it didn't work because yes, me and my OH have different needs. Not easy... I really really hope it works for you.

'It is hard living with constant rejection, just as it is hard living with constant pressure for sex. But when a couple have mismatched libidos, the only way to resolve the situation is to see it as a shared problem that needs effort from both partners to resolve it.'

SGB... I am sorry I have to take issue with this. It is far worse to live with constant rejection. It is demoralising and eats away at you. You turn to comfort food, you drink too much, you feel revolting, ugly, fat, not worthy. You take a step back for months or years and not mention it... no difference. You gently bring it up... no difference. The person witholding has the power totally. I would prefer to be in the position of being yearned for and being desired than living with constant rejection. So no sorry, I don't agree.

Yes of course it's a shared problem - it is mismatched libidos and no one person is at fault but somewhere along the line the person witholding has to want to, has to have desire and has to make one tiny step forward.

Have you ever heard of love languages? It may or may not help to know people have different ways to communicate love. Yours (and many men I know) is through having sex and physical intimacy, but it may not be your wife's at all. She may show her love through doing things around the house, or buying you something, or listening to you. You don't hear that she loves you and feel terribly rejected.

I hear you have mismatched libidos. You may have to accept that, she's always been like this. It's not just a male/female thing, I know at least two relationships where the man is uninterested in sex. They have not changed their baseline interest over the years. However, I do think that you can encourage people to take more interest in sex, by doing all the things SGB suggests, and to let them know this is how you experience love. Ideally you find a compromise (you will get less, they try a bit more to tap into their desire). That can work, because there is something habitual about not having sex as well as having a low libido, and doing more can often lead to an upward spiral (but don't pester, see a counsellor on how to discuss this as a couple).

But, I do think you need to stop equating sex with love. Your wife, from what you have said, may well love and adore you. You are not hearing this at all and are focused on the physical rejection. Obviously if she never wants sex again, you may wonder whether you can live with this, but I don't get that impression. I get the impression that you want your wife to want you and initiate things; this may not happen but that doesn't mean you can have no love life, or that she doesn't love you. I think you need to adjust your mind-set a little to see what love really means, and start talking in less apocalyptic terms, there may yet be a loving and mutually satisfying relationship in there.

When you have talked has she ever given you any reason for not wanting to have sex?

to be fair, namechange, it doesn't sound like the OP is being constantly rejected as he isn't putting pressure on his wife.

Yes yuleingFanjo... I agree. I don't think the OP is being constantly rejected... probably because he is scared to bring it up with his wife and he is treading on eggshells wondering what the hell to do...

namechange "but I really don't think a man should become so subservient that he 'mops the floor' in order to have a loving warm intimate relationship with his wife."

I don't want this to turn into a thread hijack but I think it is massively important in terms of how women are perceived, especially after children, which in turn effects their libido.

Do you have a cleaner? If not, why would it be 'so subservient' to wash the floor. You have a floor, you walk in it, it needs washing. Why does that make you subservient.

"No-one should deny another intimacy and sexual relations unless there is a strong medical reason." I am lost for words.