What to do - Sexless, but loving marriage

[spottycup]

My wife and I have been married for 3 years and we have a young son.

My wife just doesn't want sex with me, and this didn't start as a result of childbirth. I've tried tackling it head on by talking to her about on a number of occasions and there are always hollow promises about changing things, but after a couple of weeks things are back to normal. I'm alwayts trying to show my wife how much I fancy her and want a great sex life with her, but she's just not interested and I don't know what to do.

I don't want to even think about leaving, but this is eating me up inside and I can't think of anything else to try. This is not something has has happened over night and its ruining my every waking minute. I've gone as far as thinking about killing myself, because that almost feels better than ending our relationship, but its only my mind racing with ideas about having no more options.

She just doesn't want me anymore and I don't think i can bear it.

spotty cup

I had major issues after the birth of DS2 (which was quite a traumatic birth) and had very little interest in sex. I eventually had counselling to deal with my issues around the birth.

From personal experience my libido came back (with both children) when they were around two - although as I said in my first post, currently I am knackered!

My counsellor suggested not having any kind of sexual intimacy for a month - not expecting it or asking or anything. Kissing and cuddling fine, but very much first base - taking the sex out of it.

It takes the pressure off and tries to get things back to a more 'innocent' relationship and I found it really helped me to be less worked up about it.

Could you try that?

shotinfoot... I am only using the analogy of 'mopping the floor' to illustrate a point. I think a man and a woman should earn intimacy by being nice to each other, by supporting each other, by being warm and loving but it does rankle a bit when I read wives saying that 'mopping the floor' always works for them. Rather demeaning because it's the whole picture I feel.

yes name change - that is exactly my point.

"I think a man and a woman should earn intimacy by being nice to each other, by supporting each other, by being warm and loving"

To me, that involves realising the work that goes into raising a family and doing their fair share. I was being light hearted saying that mopping the floor is a turn on but it was to illustrate the fact that, for women, it is very much the whole picture which is important in feeling desired and wanted.

And a man who thinks that mopping his own floor is somehow becoming 'so subservient' is not one I particularly want to sleep with.

I'm sorry spotty, that this isn't helping very much and you really do sound like a nice guy. Do you manage many nights out? Do you both also get time to see your friends independently?

It is very easy in the first few years to become 'a mother' first and foremost and forget who you are. Maybe if you help her to reconnect with that, the sex will come back too.

I have to make the effort to have sex with my husband because:

We had terrible rows at one stage and I just can't fully get over some of the things that were done and said. I am over it most of the time, but when is comes to getting intimate my resentment comes to the surface. I still feel a a bit wounded.

I know he desperately wants more sex, that desperation is unattractive to me and off putting. It makes me feel uncomfortable around him in an intimate situation. The undercurrent of expectation on any celebratory night/night in a hotel/meal out irritates me.

I'm also tired and have little people clambouring about me alot, so I am not very tactile and don't enjoy tactile advances as much.

I've outlined my reasons above to help you gain a better perspective. I think the sex focus is totally taking over your life and this problem is now growing out of all proportion and overshadowing everything. I think you are losing perspective.

So what can you do to solve the probelm?

Do you both get enough physical exercise? I think it helps alot with libido and also perspective. Just focus on fun together, reconnecting by going for a cycle or a walk, getting the hearts racing together with nothing to do with sex. Being spontaneous with one another, really spontaneous and not planned spontaneity in an effort to inspire sex. Spontaneously having fun for fun's sake.

Talk about it and maybe try out a date night once a week.
You have options - counselling, setting a date night and having sex once a week (this might relight the fire and passion a little for you guys) or you could agree to have an open marriage.

Look after yourself

In a way shotinfoot, we are just splitting hairs here. OK OK using the word subservient might have been wrong. It sounds like the OP goes over and above doing stuff for his wife, chores round the house etc. It's just the thought of a man having to do more and more in order to be able to indulge in a little intimacy with his OH. I also totally agree with the latter part of your post... we all need to feel valued and that includes the OP.

It's the feeling of being unwanted, not being good enough

Your wife loves you. You love her. You have a wonderful son and are enjoying being a father. It sounds like you have a lot to be happy and contented about. Do you want to jeopardise it all for a single issue which may be temporary? Life is never perfect in every single respect.

Don't you think it's possible that your wife has enough on her plate without having to make you feel wanted?

I think you have to give it time and stop focussing on your feelings to the point of obsession. Start thinking of your options, and see how attractive they are compared with what you have.

Your wife loves you. You love her. You have a wonderful son and are enjoying being a father. It sounds like you have a lot to be happy and contented about. Do you want to jeopardise it all for a single issue which may be temporary? Life is never perfect in every single respect.

Well I wouldn't put up with a sexless marriage, however great other aspects were. I would be miserable and desperate and depressed and would probably leave him.

Well I don't blame you for thinking that way Obsidian but most people accept that relationships change over time, just like every other aspect of your life. I love my DH and I think if you have a happy, fulfilling life otherwise then you are very lucky indeed. I certainly wouldn't leave him because his testosterone had diminished.

Loss of libido is usually caused by medical rather that psychological conditions. Often it is caused by simple fatigue, but it can sometimes be caused by stress, smoking or alcohol/drug consumption. Usually though (for both sexes) it's a by-product of ageing and diminishing hormone production - oestrogen or testosterone. There is usually very little that can be done about it.

Would you really stop loving your husband and "probably leave him" if that happened?

I can't imagine my DH losing his sex drive, ever. If we were in our 70s then no. But now? If he didn't want to have any sex with me, ever, even non penetrative, then I probably would leave him eventually!

I agree that it is unfair for a low libido partner to make promises to change and not keep those promises ie to fob the other person off and just expect the situation to stay the same. That is treating your partner as though s/he simply matters less than you do. But living with a partner who is constantly desperate for sex, asking for sex, reminding you how long it is since you last had sex, doing nice things for you and then asking for sex, is really, really off-putting. When there is a massive libido mismatch, the couple need to address it together but not from the position that either one of them is wrong. Various solutions could include: full medical check up to make sure there is no physical reason for loss of libido, an open discussion about what each partner would like to change in the relationship, an agreement to open up the relationship so the high libido partner can seek sex elsewhere or indeed an agreement to separate as kindly and amicably as possible.

I agree solidgold, apart from the seeking sex elsewhere bit but I know we have different views on this .

But I think an 18month old is still a very young child and I don't think it necessarily indicates that sex is gone for good, merely that the relationship needs to adjust to accommodate everyone's new roles. Or maybe everyone just needs a few decent nights sleep.

I have a lie-in every Sunday and DH is well aware that he's far more likely to get some action on a Sunday night than any other.

Has she developed OCD?? After I had children, I couldn't bare the thought of and fluids that came with sex... It was such an 'effort' to clean up after. i.e. changing sheets, showering, spraying taps/ door handles, just so I knew that my children would not be around 'it' etc. It got to the point that it was just easier on me not to do it. It had nothing to do with me not wanting my partner, I just felt that after having children, there was always more important things to do than having sex... We have since made time for 'us' when DCs are staying with grandparents... I also agree with a lot of what poster: Mollydoggerson explains.

Poor op! :(

I have no advice, But good luck in all you do

Also, you are in no way being selfish or thinking of your own needs above your wife's. everyone needs intimacy in their life and there is nothing wrong with that imo.

I dont know why people expect their partners to just say "sure, ill have no sex for 2 years or more" and be fine with it imo.

I'm not saying he should be fine with it. Just saying that the reasons she doesn't want to might not be just because she doesn't feel wanted or 'sexy'

It might be more complicated, or actually much simpler. I think lots of people struggle to understand that a partner's lack of libido might be nothing to do with them and do take it as rejection, rather than a symptom of stresses in another area of life.

And the OP has come on here and asked for women's opinion. He is obviously a decent chap and cares about his wife enough to want to understand what's going on.

We are just trying to give that to him.

Do you want to jeopardise it all for a single issue which may be temporary?
olgaga What about the way in which a partner who refuses to address their withdrawal of sex jeopardises (or brings about the end of) their marriage and their children's family life?

This is what really killed my marriage. For a solid two years I tried to address the issue of sex with my husband and would get empty promises at the time of the discussion, but zero follow-up action of any description. And by follow-up action, I don't mean sex - just anything at all that showed he was trying to communicate with me about it or attempting to address the issue. I would plead with him and tell him that we had to sort it out, for our son's sake because otherwise our marriage would eventually wither and die - and yet, knowing that would be the outcome, he continued to do nothing. Actions speak louder than words. He was prepared to do nothing to keep me nor to save his son from his parents splitting up.

As for loss of libido through ageing - yes, sure, when you're elderly but there are many, many 60/70+ year olds with loving active sex lives. It's not a foregone conclusion and no-one younger than that should have to accept it as inevitable. I disagree that it is 'usually' caused by medical reasons. I think it's nearly always caused by dissatisfaction within the relationship - of course, I mean where one partner is refusing drastically to the detriment of the other rather than where both people just don't want to do it very often.

Elusive fine, but it's just not a deal-breaker for everyone. I think you are wrong to compare the OP's situation with your own. The OP's wife has an 18 month old baby and we have no idea how she is feeling. Maybe she doesn't fancy him any more, but it's equally as likely that she doesn't fancy anyone at the moment, and this may well be a temporary issue. It's not as though she doesn't love him and they otherwise seem to have a happy and contented life.

I have simply urged him to look at the alternatives, and see whether they are more appealing. Breaking up a marriage is emotionally and financially devastating for everyone involved. And for what? Even if you meet someone else who is prepared to accept your existing emotional ties and you get all the attention and sex you crave, there is no guarantee it will last any longer than it did in the marriage you abandoned.

but it's just not a deal-breaker for everyone.

True but there is nothing wrong with it being a deal breaker for some people. The OP should not be feeling guilty for feeling this way, it is not a small, insignificant issue. The OP also says that this did not start as the result of childbirth so I think we can assume it is not a temporary state of affairs (although I'd question how temporary 18 months of this would be anyway!)

Olgaga I had an 18 month old too. And yes, we don't know what the OP's feelings and reasons are. There are many reasons why someone may not want to have sex with their spouse. That in itself is not the problem.

Not wanting to have sex with spouse = OK
Not communicating/engaging with your partner and taking responsibility for resolving the problem = NEVER ACCEPTABLE and an active choice to jeopardise the marriage

People have listed all sorts of reasons why someone might not want to have sex with their spouse and plenty are valid, what is not valid is to not do anything about it and refuse to have meaningful communication about it.

It may be that she doesn't fancy anyone, but she is married and she has made a commitment to the OP which includes a commitment to deal with problems. Nobody gets to just ignore and opt out of their responsibility to deal with serious problems in a relationship. It may well be temporary, although the less people do it the less they want to do it and most people's experience would suggest that if it's gone on for a year or more, it doesn't magically change. Whether it's temporary or not is neither here nor there, it's damaging their relationship now. I am not suggesting the OP's wife has an obligation to suddenly start having sex with him, but she does have an obligation, to OP and to her child, to communicate honestly about it and start dealing with the problem.

Agree totally with ElusiveCamel. It's not having a low libido that's a problem, it's ignorning your partner's unhappiness on the grounds that you are happy with the status quo, that is a marriage-jeopardizing thing. Of course, sometimes it;s the high-libido partner behaving selfishly by pressuring the other into sex that it is clear the other doesn't enjoy, rather than listening, communicating, seeing what each partner really needs form the other.

I take your point but if her libido is low or actually non-existent, it's not really a problem she can solve! If the solution is forcing herself to have sex when she doesn't want to, that's not really a solution to OP's problem about feeling "unwanted"!

The problem is that if (as he says) they have an otherwise loving relationship, then the OP is not "unwanted", it's the sexual activity itself. It's up to him really if he chooses to see that as her not wanting him as a husband.

Olgaga: No, her forcing herself to have sex she doesn't want is not an acceptable solution. But if someone doesn't want to have sex with a partner who does have an active libido, and doesn;t want to want to IYSWIM then that person needs to address whether they want to remain in the couple-relationship (or in fact resent and dislike the partner and want to end it) or if they would be happy for the person with the active libido to seek sex outside of the relationship as long as s/he is discreet and abides by agreed rules. B ecause I think that someone who really doesn't want to have sex with a partner loses the right to insist on the partner not having sex with other people: if you don't want something, why deprive someone else of it?

I agree she can't just 'solve' the problem if by that you mean suddenly have a matching libido. She can and should be taking 50% of the responsibility of working towards a resolution though.

That means she needs to identify the root cause - is it medical, is it because she is unhappy in relationship, is she just too tired, is there a psychological issue or is it just how she is. Then, together with OP, they need to decide what to do about it going forward and what they each are and aren't willing to live with. There are lots of options - no-one is suggesting she should have sex she doesn't want.

Yes I agree with both of you really. Couple counselling may help them both focus on what's at stake if communication is otherwise impossible. I suppose what I'm pointing out is that the solution isn't just hers to resolve. He can also adjust his expectations.