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Original poster

career vs relationship

119 replies

impossiblesitu · 07/03/2012 19:27

I am an impossible situation and could do with advice.

I have been offered a brilliant job in another country. It would be fairly full-on and probably for around a year. I also have a DP who for job reasons cannot relocate. We haven't been together long but have been friends a really long time and it's going very well, no DCs.

I don't know what to do. Career vs love. He is quite all or nothing (as am I) and I don't think we would fare so well so early on if we saw very little of each other for a year.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/03/2012 19:11

I don't need to tour the country OP, I can do it on MN

the joys of technology Smile

forgive me for saying you shouldn't put your own self below the selfish dummy-spitting of a mere man < shrugs >

Original poster
impossiblesitu · 08/03/2012 19:18

you told me that last time, I thought the sun shined out of his arse. You then told me that when I finally realised and that I would one day realise what a lucky escape I had had. This was true.

If the t&cs turn out to be good, I will take it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/03/2012 19:19

last time ?

glastocat · 08/03/2012 19:40

What everyone else said. He sounds like a fuckwit to emotionally blackmail you into staying,he should be cheering you on! And anyfucker is always right. Please do it do it do it,it sounds amazing!

Dozer · 08/03/2012 19:58

The job! You had me at your love for the work and champagne.......his statement confirms it.

It is often said on MN that when someone tells you what they will do / be like, listen. He is telling you he can't handle it, will be bored, resentful blah blah, he isn't even entertaining attempting to stay together.

Bet if you stayed he'd end it soon, citing too much pressure as a result of your staying.

AnyFucker · 08/03/2012 20:00

this is a turning point for you OP, don't take the wrong path

Chubfuddler · 08/03/2012 20:05

He's not even your partner really, is he? He's your boyfriend.

Take the job.

PattiMayor · 08/03/2012 20:07

Of course you will miss him but if your relationship is strong enough, it will survive. Although that bit about being resentful and bored made me do a little bit of sick in my throat.

I think if you take this job (which you must of course), then there is a very good chance you will realise this man is not the wonderful and amazing person you think he is - any man who really loves you will support you in your endeavours and your dreams.

And ask yourself this - if the situations were reversed, what would you say to him? Would you support him or try and emotionally blackmail into staying?

And finally you are only 24 :)

Mumsyblouse · 08/03/2012 21:00

If I came home today and said to my husband 'Darling, an amazing opportunity has come up for me in the USA/Gambia/Timbuctoo for a year, what should I do?' he'd not only tell me to go for it, he'd come with me and drag the children too. If you are planning on having a high-flying career, or even like me, any old career, you need your supporters, you need people to go the extra mile to help you achieve what you want (and you them).

The amount of men on MN who want to clip their womens wings has been incredibly alarming to me, I really had no idea. Don't let that happen to you, if you are meant to be together, you will be at the end of the year.

And tell him what my mum used to say to me when I was little and whingeing 'only boring people are bored'.

Original poster
impossiblesitu · 08/03/2012 21:10

last time as in last relationship, you were right.

He has said he'd give it a go long distance.

OP posts:
rightchoice · 08/03/2012 21:25

To everyone reading this thread we are screaming TAKE THE JOB. Hopefully the T&C were fab. Regarding the man/boy don't hold your breath when he says he would 'give it a go'. Don't beg him. Tell him how you feel about him but flipping well take the job. Don't waste a moment when you are there by worrying, if he wants YOU he will fight for you and convince you to be the one for him...... sadly he is not sending out very positive signals, buy hey, the world is your oyster.

Clownsarescary · 08/03/2012 21:27

Take the job, 2 months is early days it could go wrong in another few months. I know that sounds negative and it may well not, but if it's worth it he'll wait/commute/so can you. You'll always wonder in the future too if you've made the right decision.

Portofino · 08/03/2012 21:27

Agree with everyone else - if he is worth it, it will work itself out. He could visit regularly? Heck, you could maybe afford to fly him over? I spent 6 months (pregnant) working in Dublin leaving DH back home. It was hard sometimes - but we talked on the phone every night and did as many weekends as possible. The time flies past when you are busy. My bump is 8 years old this weekend and DH and I are still happily together. I rarely think of the time we lived apart.

Portofino · 08/03/2012 21:29

And if you feel you could PM an incredibly nosey person with the hot details of the role.....do feel free Grin

willybreeder · 08/03/2012 21:51

Haha! What Portofino said. I've been thinking about this dilemma (although I agree it's a no brainer) I've mainly been thinking, fuck me, why didn't I have this job offer at 24 (or any age) I'm so Envy Envy !

Original poster
impossiblesitu · 09/03/2012 09:22

Thank you!

Yes I could afford to fly him over and I would get free travel back and forth.

I mentioned to him the theory that his 'missing me > boredom > frustration > resentment > who knows' is essentially a veiled threat. He was shocked and fairly horrified (and I can read him, known him long enough) that he thought I would see it that way. He said he was sorry for that and just thinking, not trying to sway a decision.

Anyway, I've been told by potential new boss that he will call early next week to discuss (which has sent me potty, I want to know NOW) but I will happily PM everyone interested once I've heard Grin

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 09/03/2012 10:34

I'm interested! PM me :)

caramelwaffle · 09/03/2012 14:29

I'm interested. PM please Smile

AnyFucker · 09/03/2012 16:31

heh, he "didn't realise" he was making veiled threats ?

they weren't very "veiled" at all actually, and amount to emotional blackmail

anonacfr · 09/03/2012 17:47

I'm interested too.....

Clownsarescary · 09/03/2012 18:10

Tell me tell me! Grin

Bonsoir · 09/03/2012 18:13

If your relationship would die because you spent a year apart, it's not worth having. Great test IMO.

ThePinkPussycat · 09/03/2012 18:41

You know, he may be underestimating himself assuming it's not the thing about him falling into someone's arms in your absence. It could be a great opportunity for him to find out he can survive without being dependent on you.

Another one wanting a PM in due course.

notsohappymummy · 09/03/2012 19:33

If it is meant to be it will be.
My husband ( of now 28 years) and I were only married for 4 months when I was sent abroad (forces) then my dad was seroiusly ill so by the time my husband had been posted out to be with me I had to return back to UK to look after my dad. We had a traumatic year or so as newyweds but we made it.
If you are truly meant to be together you WILL make it work.

Please ignore my nickname I am much happier at the moment.

grrd · 09/03/2012 19:51

I've been very curious what the job is too. PM, yay! I was imagining something James Bond like.

Btw if you've got free travel etc then that's your long distance relationship sorted!

Good luck!