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Original poster

career vs relationship

119 replies

impossiblesitu · 07/03/2012 19:27

I am an impossible situation and could do with advice.

I have been offered a brilliant job in another country. It would be fairly full-on and probably for around a year. I also have a DP who for job reasons cannot relocate. We haven't been together long but have been friends a really long time and it's going very well, no DCs.

I don't know what to do. Career vs love. He is quite all or nothing (as am I) and I don't think we would fare so well so early on if we saw very little of each other for a year.

OP posts:
mojitomania · 08/03/2012 11:18

Another one here saying "take the job" you've only been dating this guy of a couple of months and a year away in another country is nothing these days with easy access to travel and skype etc.

Whilst all is wonderful with new bf now - it could all be over in another couple of months. If he likes you enough he'll deal with it.

Original poster
impossiblesitu · 08/03/2012 11:27

I hope he does!

OP posts:
Proudnscary · 08/03/2012 11:31

Take the job

cestlavielife · 08/03/2012 11:38

take the job.

do not continue a relationship with some who "cant handle" things.

think - another partner would see it as a great opportunity to spend time with you on visits to another country . they would support you not think only of themselves.

perhaps he could even get unpaid leave from his job eg one month or two to experience life elsewhere.

if he is already unable to live without you/ cant cope /etc it does not bode well for future challenges eg children

Original poster
impossiblesitu · 08/03/2012 11:41

cestlavielife this has crossed my mind. If this proves to be the launch pad that I hope it will be, my career would involve a lot of time abroad and would require an understanding partner. Is he capable of this? I do not know. Which is a worry.

OP posts:
haddock1976 · 08/03/2012 11:59

Take the job. If it's the real deal with this guy he will want you to do what is best for you, what makes you happy and he'll encourage you to go. It's not so much "waiting for you" more getting on with life knowing that you both confident and secure in the relationship whether living apart or in each other's pockets.

These days long distance relationships are much easier with the advent of skype and viber. Flights don't have to be expensive with a little forethought and the butterflies one gets at the thought of seeing him are wonderful.

Ask any one in a Forces relationship whether married or dating about ldrs and how they do it.

For me personally, my marriage turns into a ldr when he goes underwater for months on end, I remember that I would rather see my husband for one or two months a year then not have him in my life at all.

startail · 08/03/2012 12:21

I'm not going to say take the job, I'm not sure whether love will wait or not.

DH and I were engaged in six weeks, we survived on two years of seeing each other pretty much every week end. I'm not sure what would have happened if we'd been further apart.

Only you know if this relationship means more to you than the job, how often you'll get back etc.

I only know that when Im cuddled up with DH and the DDs I don't miss not having a stunning career or traveling the world for a second.

Broodzilla · 08/03/2012 12:40

Another take the job vote here...
When I was younger, I spent a year abroad with a boyfriend at home. We'd known each other for some time, but really only properly got together just before I went away. The relationship survived the year apart. (We broke up eventually, but for other reasons.) The year did give my life a whole new direction: changed me as a person and gave me job opportunities I wouldn't have had otherwise. I've never, ever regretted it. But that's just a personal experience...

Imagine the worst outcomes of each option and how you'd feel:

a) you go, and the relationship ends. You're left with a career that's potentially amazing and well paid.

b) you stay, and never get an opportunity like this again. You're left wondering... Even if the relationship ends up being The One... Are you sure you won't end up resenting him for your opportunity lost?

Only you know which would bother you more.

A year seems like a long time in your early 20s. It'll fly by.
You could always agree to put the relationship "on hold" and just keep in touch as friends while you're away. That way, there's no pressure - but you know, if you're really, really are in love... You won't actually WANT to see other people. :)

Malificence · 08/03/2012 13:04

Take it with both hands.
That's the advice I would give to my DD, if the relationship ends then it's not a very strong one, me and DH had only been seeing each other a few months when he joined the Air force, we managed a long distance relationship for two years and we were mere teenagers.

Your future life and career is more important than a relatively new relationship.

Original poster
impossiblesitu · 08/03/2012 15:40

startail - your post is what is stopping me from going. The sentiment behind it obviously, not you actually telling me...

I couldn't put it on hold. I know that if either of us saw anyone else we couldn't go back. I also don't want to. He makes everything bright brighter and me unbearably, irritatingly happy. Unfortunately so would job.

Sorry to all people with real, serious problems not a choice between too good things, I don't mean to whine.

OP posts:
Original poster
impossiblesitu · 08/03/2012 15:41

two not too. My mind is tired Grin

OP posts:
grrd · 08/03/2012 15:45

I know it is a tough choice but go for the job!

Love does wait. And a long distance relationship can be exciting as well.

If he can't handle a long distance relationship for a year (a sign of insecurity in my books), then he isn't really worth it.

Good luck with your decision. And just for the record.. you are not whining.

Original poster
impossiblesitu · 08/03/2012 15:48

he just says he would miss me and be intensely bored and boredom leads to frustration and resentment. He has a point and is being supportive although it doesn't sound like it here. I should probably add he also has a job, plays sports, has hobbies etc so it isn't as if I am the purpose of his existence which would be a little mental.

OP posts:
grrd · 08/03/2012 15:54

He has a job, hobbies, etc but still he would be "intensely bored" without you?
So before you two dated has he also been that bored? Sounds like a red flag if it were true.

I think the reality is that he already can't handle a high flying girl like you.

Sorry to be so direct but it does sound like you've got a great opportunity here. Grasp it while you can....

grrd · 08/03/2012 15:55

with the opportunity i mean the JOB, not the man.

My income would more than triple. The last person who had this position's career has been launched into stratospheric realms. I get a lot of freebies like language classes, accommodation, bollocks loads of champagne receptions etc, meet incredible people, do what I love the most etc.

Original poster
impossiblesitu · 08/03/2012 16:00

You speak a lot of sense

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 08/03/2012 16:05

"he just says he would miss me and be intensely bored and boredom leads to frustration and resentment."

Wow, that's incredibly needy and passive aggressive.

You've been dating for a couple of months but he would be "intensely bored" without you?

I don't care how many hobbies he has, someone so lacking in personal resources that they are intensely bored when their girlfriend goes away is a bit of a loser.

And as for the little veiled threat about what might happen if he gets frustrated and resentful? Hmm

When I am cuddled up with my DH and DDs, feeling DC3 kick the shit out of my cervix, I am so glad that I took the opportunity DH encouraged me to take and that as well as my family I have an interesting and fulfilling career.

There should be no either/or here.

The only way this turns about to be a choice between man and job is if man doesn't measure up.

You're only 24 - the last thing you need at this stage of your life is a boyfriend who would hold you back so he isn't bored.

Really - his boredom is his problem.

It would be an act of unmitigated folly to give up an opportunity like this to fix his boredom.

grrd · 08/03/2012 16:12

It sounds like you have your life ahead of you, so make the most out of it.
Good luck!

AnyFucker · 08/03/2012 18:05

he sounds like a needy fuckwit, actually

he is warning you that if you go, he will not be able to stop himself falling into the arms of some lovely who will kiss him better and "entertain" him

this is exactly what an old fuckwit of mine did....thankfully I made my own decision and looking back, it was the best one I ever made

he is still a needy fuckwit, and I am waaaay past where I would have been had I stuck by him to rescue him from his "boredom"

Chrononaut · 08/03/2012 18:19

Take the joooob!

if he loves ya, he will wait, if not, no loss :)

Original poster
impossiblesitu · 08/03/2012 18:29

anyfucker are you available for country wide tours to meet people's DPs and judge them? I'd really like that.

OP posts:
henrysmama2012 · 08/03/2012 18:35

Actually reading all these posts it occurs to me that there is no choice: you take the job, you keep the man. Done!

That's because YOU are able to handle an LDR of 1 yr. Its a different story of course as to whether he can. And if he cant then he isn't really lifetime material. It's only a year, you are chasing your dream, you are 100% ready to commit to him over that period - wow, what a woman he has - loyal, romantic, talented, fearless (etc). That how he should be looking at it. If he isn't, maybe it shows some compatibility issues. I think that if the situation was reversed you'd be gutted like he is, but you'd be 100% behind him, no hesitation, and I suspect that you wouldn't consider holding him back for a second.

Last point: all relationships have ups and downs no matter how good they are. If you don't go, in those down times you are probably going to resent the HELL out of him.

Original poster
impossiblesitu · 08/03/2012 18:39

That actually nearly made me cry. Thank you so much.

OP posts:
HedleyLamarr · 08/03/2012 18:50

Take the job! You'll regret it if you don't. And good luck with it.

WineGoggles · 08/03/2012 18:52

"he just says he would miss me and be intensely bored and boredom leads to frustration and resentment."
What a massive red flag that is! He?s warning you not to go and insinuating that he won?t be responsible for his actions as you will have caused the resentment. In a good relationship people support each other, but he seems more concerned about how he will feel in the short term than about your long term prospects. Pretty selfish, but he?ll probably consider you selfish if you go. He sounds emotionally immature to me I?m afraid.