Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

career vs relationship

119 replies

impossiblesitu · 07/03/2012 19:27

I am an impossible situation and could do with advice.

I have been offered a brilliant job in another country. It would be fairly full-on and probably for around a year. I also have a DP who for job reasons cannot relocate. We haven't been together long but have been friends a really long time and it's going very well, no DCs.

I don't know what to do. Career vs love. He is quite all or nothing (as am I) and I don't think we would fare so well so early on if we saw very little of each other for a year.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/03/2012 20:35

a man once put me in the position choosing University or a relationship with him

he told me he "couldn't handle it" if I went

which, translated, meant he couldn't be trusted not to seek solace in the arms of any willing female at being "abandoned"

thankfully, I wised up and chose the rest of my life, not a needy person who wanted me to sacrifice my own self for him

henrysmama2012 · 07/03/2012 20:36

Take the job! 100%! Find a long distance relationship forum, and you'll find most people will think you are lucky - why? Because your LDR has a specific set period, an end in sight, and is only 12 months (I know 12 months feels like a long time now, but it isnt compared to what load of people have to put up with - e.g. entire degrees of 3 yrs, or no defined end date whatsoever for one reason or another).

I'd say that you guys talk in advance, decide whether to just stay friends, or to be together and date other people, or to give it a 100% shot, and plan holidays in advance (how far is the distance?) - basically, decide on the rules....then go for it. But don't choose the man over the job.

I would also say that I had a LDR once when I was younger - although it didn't work out we did give it a good shot for about 3 yrs!-and it was a very long distance. Although it had its bad moments, I have to say there is something brilliantly romantic about an LDR (-: There are certainly some very cool things about it, and if you are both on board, you could really have some fun with it.

calmafterthestorm · 07/03/2012 20:39

love waits. take the job

Leverette · 07/03/2012 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SpectacularChoice · 07/03/2012 20:41

Take the job honey if it is meant to be with this bloke the relationship will stand the test of time, if not then it was not mean to to be.

YOu have no ties, go get this job.

CailinDana · 07/03/2012 21:15

Definitely take the job. If it's a great relationship worth keeping then it will survive. If it doesn't survive then you've lost nothing. I lived apart from my DH (then DP) for a year and it was fine, it really wasn't that hard.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 07/03/2012 21:19

Take the job.
If he's already being difficult about it then he is not Mr Right.

garlicbutter · 07/03/2012 21:21

Take the job.
Take the job.
Take the job.
Take the job.
Take the job.
Take the job.
Take the job.
Take the job.
Take the job.
Take the job.
And - CONGRATULATIONS! Clever girl :)

rightchoice · 07/03/2012 21:24

OP let us know when you have posted the acceptance letter. Think about it no debts in 12 months and counting!!!!

WaitingForMe · 07/03/2012 21:24

My DH and I lived on opposite sides of the world for a year. It was horrific but as it was meant to be it worked out. Then I moved back, we got engaged, we bought a house, got married and nothing can take away my amazing year abroad.

DH struggled but there's Facebook and Skype. My only advice is to take lots of private pictures (stuff like the supermarket, where you're having your coffee) and never breaking a Skype date to keep the intimacy.

coffeeslave · 07/03/2012 21:24

Job every time. A year isn't that long, and you can visit each other. LDRs can be pretty romantic!

AThingInYourLife · 07/03/2012 21:38

I got an amazing opportunity abroad for 2 years when (now) DH and I had been together for 4 years.

He encouraged me to go for it and supported me through it all.

That's what love is - cheering someone on to be the best they can be.

Not wanting to hold them back because you can't "handle" the good things that happen for them.

We got engaged before I came back and married the following year. DC3 is now on the way 6 years later.

NettleTea · 07/03/2012 21:45

god, without question, ake the job.
If he cant handle it, it is his problem, sorry, but you are only 2 months into the relationship - how many years are you into your dream of this career??

If its in the public eye then there are going to be an awful lot of situations coming up which he is going to need to 'handle' in a mature and supportive way. If he cant even handle you taking the first step on the ladder, how is he going to deal with the jealousy (and this is probably the bones of what it is) when you are at the top and lots of tasty young men are lusting after you.......

You need someone who is going to have your back, not hold you back

Vicky2011 · 07/03/2012 21:46

Complete no brainer.

The job of course

Dozer · 07/03/2012 22:16

Setting the man aside, do you really want to work abroad, feel confident that you can give it your all, and think it'll help you career-wise when you get back?

I spent a year abroad studying in my early 20s. I regret going, not because my long-term relationship ended soon after my return (would've happened anyway) but because I knew in my head and heart that I didn't really want to go, was pressured into it by everyone saying I'd regret it if I didn't go!

That said, it helped me get a great job on return, and showed me that the man wasn't a good bet!

ImperialBlether · 07/03/2012 23:22

Take the job. For god's sake, take the job! It will be fantastic to be debt free and to be doing an exciting new job in another country.

Leave it so you're still friends - who knows, if/when you come back, it may rekindle. But for now, get packing.

Original poster
impossiblesitu · 08/03/2012 09:51

Just to set out how amazing it would be...

My income would more than triple. The last person who had this position's career has been launched into stratospheric realms. I get a lot of freebies like language classes, accommodation, bollocks loads of champagne receptions etc, meet incredible people, do what I love the most etc.

He says he would find it very hard to be away from me and he realises that is selfish and would never ask me to choose. I just know his capabilities.

anyfucker you've guided me under my various namechanges for around 2 years now (thanks!) - you told me my ex was a twat in no uncertain terms a full year before I realised it, your advice got me through when he proved you were right and so I think I might just take it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
impossiblesitu · 08/03/2012 09:54

Dozer YES. I want to go. I'm 24 this month and it's in a pretty awesome place. I REALLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY want to go!!!!!!!

But I love him so bloody much. Obviously if it's meant to work out it will, if he loves me he'll support me, but life isn't that easy or black and white.

OP posts:
RoloTamasi · 08/03/2012 09:56

I was going to ask how important a job can possibly be if it's only for 12 months anyway, but then if your relationship has only been for two months you might as well go for it. It'll be a great experience.

PattiMayor · 08/03/2012 09:56

Of course you should take the job! Wow, what a fabulous opportunity :)

AThingInYourLife · 08/03/2012 10:02

So have you accepted the job yet? :)

I'm a bit Envy and a lot [vicarious delight] at this opportunity.

This is once in a lifetime stuff - take your chance while it's there for you!

You're 24! The world is right there for you.

Please let us know how you get on :)

Original poster
impossiblesitu · 08/03/2012 10:09

I'm speaking to the man who would be my boss later to talk about money the opportunity and the details.

OP posts:
prizewinningpig · 08/03/2012 10:12

I was in an identical situation about ten years ago (from what you've said we may have the same employer...). I took the job and my then boyfriend had endless wonderful holidays, loved exploring the country where I was, invited himself along to the most glamorous receptions and eventually became my husband and father to my children.

Back in the UK he spent all his time playing football and talking computers with mates in the pub, so pretty blissful for him at home too. He recently said that he's always liked how committed I am to my career.

Take the job - it will tell you all you need to know about the man.

Original poster
impossiblesitu · 08/03/2012 10:54

Prizewinningpig - PM me if you like, I'm happy to talk about it and would be interesting to know if it is the same sort of job.

If the money's good enough I'm going to take it and pray to god that we make it through.

OP posts:
WineGoggles · 08/03/2012 11:07

You?ve been friends a long time; if you?re meant to be a couple then somehow you will make it work if you have a year away. In that year would you be able to meet occasionally, and would you be able to speak on the phone easily (ie not in opposing time zones)? Great opportunities don?t come along often and this could be the making of you, so I think you should definitely take the job.