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Original poster

book to help DH with DD? ANYONE PLEASE

36 replies

mummyinspain · 05/03/2012 16:13

Ok, this is a bit tricky to phrase.

We have a DD 3 and DH is really struggling to find ways to "deal" with her.

They do not have a very strong bond, and DD has been saying things like "I don't like you" "NO NO NO MUMMY"! Etc which hurt DH a lot as he feels like he is trying his best and it is not enough.

As a new idea I thought there might be a good book on the market (or even2 or 3 books) that would help DH to have some new ideas / insight / different way to look at things.

If I make suggestions etc he tends to feel "picked on" which makes everything worse, but he is on board for maybe a book or two

obviously would prefer not to buy something "blind" so to speak as I don't want a book that is going to make things worse!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Would be looking for something which deals with building bonds etc

Anyone got any suggestions?

Thanks

OP posts:
SteelTownGirl · 05/03/2012 16:18

Not sure if this book is still recommended reading but it helped me a great deal when my two were toddlers nearly 20 years ago - TODDLER TAMING - by Christopher Green (I think).
Don't let the title put you off, I recall there was a lot of good advice in it.
Although it's aimed at the child, maybe if you got to see it from her side your DH could make some adjustments?
Sorry it's all I can think of, hopefully some younger mums can help too with more recent book ideas?
Wishing you well, it's not an easy time

Original poster
mummyinspain · 05/03/2012 16:22

ok, one on the list!

Thanks for that steel.

I will take anything under suggestion, I was wondering about something from (deep breath) supernanny...but I don't know!

The problem is I can really see what he is tring to do, ie correcting behaviour (WHICH i do too) but it seems that DD feels like there is no love behind the correction (hope that makes sense) and then she goes back with things like "Your mean" etc.

Seems like the bond needs to come first.

OP posts:
mummytime · 05/03/2012 16:25

I would also recommend "how to talk...." series. Christopher green is great, but will you DH read anything? mine doesn't read parent books. You could try watching Parenthood with Steve Martin, entertaining as well as good at reminding you what kids are like.

oldqueenie · 05/03/2012 16:28

rather than a book advocating the naughty step and all that tosh maybe he needs to spend some time with her, on his own doing, something she enjoys, at her pace and concentrate on their enjoying each other's company.... doesnt matter what it is: painting, reading stories, swimming, making cakes. back off the idea of constantly correcting her. he should be focusing on the positiives at the moment.

21stcentury · 05/03/2012 16:28

I recommend "The Incredible Years". To quote the blurb :"The Incredible Years encourages parents to look at the world through the eyes of the child - but it teaches them, as adults, a very simple but important technique of building stepping stones of behaviour. Interestingly, Webster-Stratton does not focus on the child's behaviour, but on the PARENT'S BEHAVIOUR as being the key to improving family relationships."

Easy to read and very practicle, I still turn to it every now and then. Hope it helps.

Original poster
mummyinspain · 05/03/2012 16:34

I suggested the idea of a book this morning, DH went for it! He is more than happy to read and I think it might really help him feel like he is "not the only one" iyswim.

OldQueen I have suggest that (believe me) the problem is that DD does not want to spend time with him (shit I hate having to write that)

everything seems to desolve very quickly into tear (dd) and upset and hurt (DH)

I am a bit at a loss to suggest what to do to help. thought there must be a book out there!

Rather at the end of my wits

OP posts:
CailinDana · 05/03/2012 16:52

It sounds like he has to start from scratch building a relationship with her. Could you suggest an activity that DD really enjoys, like craft perhaps, then play with her and have DH play along side you without interacting? That way she'll have a chance to get used to him just being there without any pressure. The idea is that he doesn't say a word unless she initiates it so she feels in control. If you do that in a few different settings, over time she might start to come out of her shell and interact with him a bit more.

I'm curious as to why 3 years have gone by without them interacting much. Why does your DD end up in tears? Does your DH tend to jump on her too quickly for misbehaviour? He needs to take the time to really get to know her and to understand what makes her tick. He should never ever blame her for how things are - he is the adult and it's up to him to make things better.

WhereMyMilk · 05/03/2012 16:53

I can second "How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk" Adele Faber, plus the Sue Palmer books-detoxifying childhood etc rounded off with unconditional parenting and positive discipline-something my eldest son definitely responds to, as he shuts down with anything else.

I think maybe some positive time with daddy doing stuff, going to the park, for a walk, to the library etc would do quite a bit of the spade work, as when the DC are positively involved in doing something then the need for anything else tends to drift away a bit, and you can just enjoy each other's company more.

Good luck :)

Original poster
mummyinspain · 05/03/2012 17:24

CD/I could not agree more. Lets just say it has not been 3 good years, things have improved massively but I think DH feels he should have the same relationship I have with DD and tries to force it iyswim.

Like DH and I now take turns to do bed time story but DD still wants me (enfatically) to tuck her in. So the other night DH said will I will tuck you in when Mummy reads her stories DD was destraught. I try to manage to keep them both happy as best as I can. But I feel very stretched now, as I have litterally all the time even if it is just in the background to "umpire" its frustrating and I am totally out of ideas, suggestions and things to help

OP posts:
CailinDana · 05/03/2012 17:38

That does sound like very hard work. Unfortunately I think if things are going to improve you're going have to umpire for a bit longer. But at the same time your DH has to be willing to change and to accept some level of criticism and help from you.

belindarose · 05/03/2012 17:42

'Playful Parenting' is a good one, with practical examples and some theory. But to reassure, my DD (2.6) was just like you describe with DH until a couple of months ago. MUCH improved relationship now, partly due to his work pattern changing and actually seeing her more (not a lot, but weekends and an hour or so in the evenings).

ToxicToria · 05/03/2012 18:39

I definitely agree with oldqueenie I think they should have time alone together to do something fun

clam · 05/03/2012 18:45

How about you gradually phase in him doing these things? So, for a while you do it, but with him around, pottering, maybe adding silly noises in the story while he puts away clothes in her bedroom or whatever. One goes to get the milk, the other gives it to her. One does the teeth while the other empties the bath etc.. Both tuck her in and make a fun game of saying goodnight. Take it in turns to go back and settle her if required (if you do that).
Then he reads the story (silly noises as well) while you potter. Then wander in and out of the room for a while. Get her so she doesn't really notice (or mind) which of you is in charge.
And for the record, I recall that my kids occasionally used the "I want other parent" just to be a pain. It didn't mean they didn't like the visible one.

OriginalJamie · 05/03/2012 18:46

I think

Playful Parenting

and

Little Angels

OriginalJamie · 05/03/2012 18:49

I agree about the bond, which is why I think Playful Parenting is a good place to start

He needs to remember that children are not adults and they do not do what we say just because we say it

Original poster
mummyinspain · 05/03/2012 19:06

Hi All thanks for the input.

It was just one example about the bed time routine and trying to force it.

We don;t do going back, I fought quite hard, but DD is a fab sleeper 1 story cuddle kiss, tuck in and light out (with nigh light) sweet dreams and we are gone.

Playful parenting sounds good. Dh is very good at silly noises and voices I think it sounds like great fun, but DD has complained that the silly noises frighten her! Think she is very aware that Daddy struggles.

You are very right, he knows very clearly in one way that she is a child, but when I mentioned about DD saying that he pulled a face last night and scared her (Asked her to show me the face and it was a big cross glare) Dh said "well if that is her perception I can't help it" I did point out that that is something you would say about an ADULT! (btw none of this is EVER done in front of DD)!!!

Oh and DD is very grown up and switched on (not a boast by stealth) which complicates things

DH and are are having a tough time of at the moment, and I can do nothing right, so Book seems like a good idea. Hopefully they may concure with a few things I have suggested (not that I mind if they don;t but I would be nice for DH to realise that I am not picking on him)

The thing is I KNOW he wants to have a good relationship with her and be a good DAD, it is SO FRUSTRATING!!!

Off to tuck DD in (laughter coming from the bedroom so it seems like it has been a good story time tonight)

OP posts:
OriginalJamie · 05/03/2012 19:10

Bear in mind, too. that threenagers are flexing their muscles, communication-wise, and might be spurred on by a strong response to make more of the "I hate you" type statements. I know plenty of DCs who have strong bonds with their parents who say things like that. He must try not to take it personally.

OriginalJamie · 05/03/2012 19:17

Don't do any of the suggestions in front of her, either, or she will play you off against each other

Original poster
mummyinspain · 05/03/2012 19:21

Oh god, yes I was not flavour of the month yesterday but today I am the best mummy in the world!

Ok, so far I have put in the basket
Playfull Parenting
Little angles
how to talk so kids listen and learn

Any others?

Also how about a good book for me on how to kill your self?

OP posts:
colditz · 05/03/2012 19:22

To be honest I'd be very tempted to go out and leave them to it, as your daughter sounds like she needs to learn that her dad is a safe and kind person. As for chucking a fit because he pulled a face - she just needs to deal with it. I tend to agree with your Dh, in that it's really not his fault that she doesn't like his face. I honestly think you need to get out of the way and let them sort it out between them because while you are there, she is playing "goodies and Baddies" in her head and has cast her dad in the role of Baddy

Original poster
mummyinspain · 05/03/2012 19:24

oh, god no we are united in front of her. Always even if I disagree, I will not do so in front of DD. I would if something was going to harm her, but I will never over rule DH in front of DD. I will later say now I don't think XYZ was a good idea, and I will sometimes, say hang on and Talk to DD at the time and say now "that's not nice" etc and try and remidy iyswim

OP posts:
Original poster
mummyinspain · 05/03/2012 19:25

Colditz I take you point, but it is not a viable option. I know how you must be sitting there going but it is...but I promise you it is NOT.

OP posts:
colditz · 05/03/2012 19:26

Oh no I'm not saying you are undermining him, but while her person of choice (you) is there, she isn't going to bother trying to make a relationship with her dad.

Also, remember that he competes with her for your attention. CHildren can get very used to every single word in a household of them and Mummy being directed at them. Then Daddy comes on to the scene and OMG! What's This? She's TALKING to him instead of ME!!!! i HATE him!!!!!!

Original poster
mummyinspain · 05/03/2012 19:26

oh and just as a point, in august last year we did a switch and dh does the morning routine which is roughly an hour with DD totally on his own,(I am not in the house) so he actually spends more time with DD than I do!

OP posts:
colditz · 05/03/2012 19:27

Why, what would happen if you went out?