book to help DH with DD? ANYONE PLEASE

[mummyinspain]

Ok, this is a bit tricky to phrase.

We have a DD 3 and DH is really struggling to find ways to "deal" with her.

They do not have a very strong bond, and DD has been saying things like "I don't like you" "NO NO NO MUMMY"! Etc which hurt DH a lot as he feels like he is trying his best and it is not enough.

As a new idea I thought there might be a good book on the market (or even2 or 3 books) that would help DH to have some new ideas / insight / different way to look at things.

If I make suggestions etc he tends to feel "picked on" which makes everything worse, but he is on board for maybe a book or two

obviously would prefer not to buy something "blind" so to speak as I don't want a book that is going to make things worse!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Would be looking for something which deals with building bonds etc

Anyone got any suggestions?

Thanks

Is she different with him in the morning?

Now colditz you raise a very valid point in all directions.DH expects and needs my undivided attention sometimes and DD does not like it. But the same thing applies in reverse. Some time DD needs my undivided attention and DH does not like it!

Morning seems ok, there is plenty to be done, and I think that really helps. ie. Get DD up, choose clothes, brush teeth, sort snack for school, etc the routine really seems to help. I know that sounds daft, but the goal seems to focus DH and DD is happy as there is lots of rasberries in there as well.... it just when it comes to having fun / dealing with something difficult / change of routine / illness / infantile astham everything goes wrong!

i'm finding it hard to make sense of this.... you leave him in charge every morning and that's ok, but you couldn't go out and leave them together at a different time? why? why would that not be ok? if she was upset / crying etc. surely he'd deal with it and they'd both learn from it... what are you worried might happen?

In the nicest possible way, I think a lot of the problem is of your making, rather than DD or DH's. He manages fine in the morning when you're not around. You could tuck her in to bed together rather than just you alone (and then you could both give her undivided attention during her bedtime, and each other undivided attention afterwards. DH and I read stories to our DSs together, where I do the words and he does the actions. Then we take it in turns to sing a song and kiss them goodnight. We leave the bedroom together.) Of course she doesn't really dislike his face, it was an excuse to get your focus back on her.

If your DH actually spends more time with DD than you do, is it possible that, undoubtedly on a very deep subconscious level, you quite like that you're her "favourite" parent, because it reassures you that she still loves you best?

gosh OP, that last comment of yours is a bit worrying even if its a joke along the lines of somebody shoot me now!

I have to say, i agree with colditz, can there be something, not just day to day child care that she does just with daddy, something that you haven't done with her yet - maybe on a regular basis? It might be a start.

FWIW i am sort of in the same position as your DH with my 6 year old, and it does hurt alot, my DD can be vile to me when DP is around but when we are alone shes just lovely x

I liked Divas and Dictators by Charlie Taylor - it definitely helps you see the bigger picture and gives you some easy tactics

I have to agree with the others that the whole situation seems a bit odd. Your DH doesn't like you giving attention to DD? Why on earth not??

Personally, I would forget the books and instead get your DH to spend to time one on one with DD, doing something they both enjoy, out of the house. Not that any of this is your fault, but their relationship might improve if they spend a decent chunk of time just to two of them, having fun.

I have a similar problem with DH and DD1 and we got a book called 1,2,3 Magic. I went on a course which ran in conjunction with it and was really helpful. The main thing is she is getting attention for her behaviour towards her Dad .. this book focusses on positive attention and no emotion or attention for unwanted behaviour. Also the course was run by Barnardos and I'm sure they had one called strengthening relationships...might be worth a look?

"DH and are are having a tough time of at the moment, and I can do nothing right,"

"DH expects and needs my undivided attention sometimes "
in what circumstances? surely once dd in bed you give him undivided aention? but while she awake it's a family...

maybe you need to look at that as well - dd may be picking up on tension and playing you off against each other