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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am so pissed off with being expected to do EVERYTHING!

95 replies

ashamednamechanger · 01/03/2012 20:15

To cut a long story short, I have spent all day;
Getting the DCs up, getting their breakfast, getting them dressed, finally getting myself dressed, taking them to school (after making 3 packed lunches), coming home, cleaning up, hoovering, washing pots, laundry, changing the beds, food shopping, sorting out the dustbins and overflowing recycling boxes ready for tommorrows collection, clearing the catshit off front and back gardens, repairing the trampoline, washing the car, hoovering the car out, printing off a shedload of paperwork, preparing and cooking dinner, collecting kids from school, taking them to afterschool activities, taking them home, cooking tea, washing pots (again0, bathing kids, making them drinks and snacks, sorting out their clothes for tommorrow.
In the same day DH has done NOTHING apart from twat about on his iphone, watched tv, and I even returned from hanging out the washing at one point today to find him playing Darts (WTF). He is currently lying on the sofa as usual whilst expecting me to stop the kids racing up and down the stairs. But why should I, it's always left to me!
Yesterday he actually stepped over a half eaten sarnie that the youngest had dropped on the floor. When I asked him why he hadn't picked it up instead, he said he would....later WHAT?????

I am being treated like the proverbial hired help aren't I? Which wouldn't be so bad if I was getting paid for it, but he is soooooooooo tight.
I don't even know why I posted this as no advice is going to help is it?
Think I just need to rant as I feel so bloody angry.

OP posts:
ifeelloved · 01/03/2012 20:15

Go on strike.

ifeelloved · 01/03/2012 20:16

When he wants a blow job say yeah..... Later Grin

LilacWaltz · 01/03/2012 20:18

Er. Just don't to it all. As you have discovered, you don't get a medal at the end if the day! The more you fo, the more he will let you

AKissIsNotAContract · 01/03/2012 20:20

Does your DH not have a job?

Fairenuff · 01/03/2012 20:23

Do you want this to change, or do you just want a rant?

EmmaCate · 01/03/2012 20:31

Have you seen that jokey thing circulating on FB - basically entails bloke coming home from work to find DCs outside in pyjamas, house like a bomb site, water and shite (not literally) all over the bathroom; he goes into the bedroom to find DW in bed chilling. On asking what's going on she replies 'You know you always ask me what I do all day? Well today I didn't do it.'

I really feel for you... Perhaps sit down with him in a calm moment and explain how you are feeling. Try to impress how it's harming you mentally (even if it isn't beyond this rant; it would be harming me, is all!).

EightiesChick · 01/03/2012 20:36

How long has this been going on for? How do you usually react and how does he in this situation - do you ask him to help and he refuses, or what?

neuroticmumof3 · 01/03/2012 20:41

He sounds like a waste of space. Does he have any good points?

Original poster
ashamednamechanger · 01/03/2012 20:43

Re the blowjob.....we last had sex in June last year. And we only had sex twice in the whole of 2011. We have not had sex at all this year. He did make some feeble attempt on New Years Eve, something along the lines of "seeing in the new year".
I am permenantly seething at his inability, or rather unwillingness, to see the problem.
Surely, if your partner had only had sex with you twice in a whole year, even the dumbest bloke would have thought "mmm, maybe she's a bit pissed at me, I wonder why?"
And, TBH, I really don't think I should have to ask him to pull his weight. If one of you is lounging on the sofa every evening whilst their partner is still busy at 9pm every night, then I think I would have twigged on by now, don't you?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/03/2012 20:43

Change it then

Too novel ?

Fairenuff · 01/03/2012 20:43

What does he say when you discuss this with him?

EightiesChick · 01/03/2012 20:59

Well, no, you shouldn't have to ask him, but since he continues to do nothing, then surely some further mention of the situation is needed? You seem to be waiting for him to 'twig' which is all very well but where's it getting you?

I did ask some more questions about this above - would be helpful to hear your answers to those.

MyNameIsntFUCKINGWarren · 01/03/2012 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ashamednamechanger · 01/03/2012 21:01

Fairenuff..we have discussed this but his usual argument is that, as his wages pay for the roof over our heads, then he's doing his fair share. I disagree, we go round in circles and end up getting nowhere.
It's easy to say "dont do it", but that means hungry dirty Dcs, so it's for them that I do it all, certainly not for his benefit.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 01/03/2012 21:09

Not all those jobs you did today actually "needed" doing... so to play devils advocate here... did you really "need" to wash the car.. it wouldnt have mattered if you hadnt.. or repairing the trampoline? and bedding is not normally changed daily... is the paperwork a daily thing too?

You say he works, so was this his day off?

If you just do everything without asking for help, and suffer on like a martyr then he will probably assume you are happy doing it.. if it pisses you off, open your gob and tell him you would like some help.

AnyFucker · 01/03/2012 21:14

He pays you to be his domestic drudge then ?

Is that what he is saying ?

Will he withdraw the family money if you withdraw your labour ? If you stopped cooking, cleaning and skivvying for him, what would he do ? Sack you ? Put you on a disiplinary ? Does he realise how ridiculous he sounds ?

The thing is, by performing all these tasks to try and prove what a great housekeeper you are, you play into the stereotype

Down tools. Look after dc and yourself. Do no shitwork for him. Let him employ some other muggins to do it.

solidgoldbrass · 01/03/2012 21:17

Remember if you chuck him out you will still get a chunk of the money. It is not acceptable for men to behave like this; being the wage earner doesn't make him the owner of everyone in the household and he certainly isn't entitled to 24/7 domestic service and childcare from you in exchange for your keep.

ifeelloved · 01/03/2012 21:17

Oh dear. There are more serious problems here.

You really need to sit him down and talk to him. Let him know you are serious and that he has to change.

I said the same thing to another poster earlier, what do you want to happen? He isn't going to magically change, only you can change your situation whether by talking to him or doing something more drastic.

Nyac · 01/03/2012 21:20

If he's tight does that mean you don't have access to the family money?

EightiesChick · 01/03/2012 21:26

sgb makes a good point. You'd probably be better off in separate households as he'd have to pay his share for the kids then and you wouldn't have the work of effectively an extra child on your hands.

Given that you've said he's 'really tight' I can't even see how he is fulfilling what he says is his part of the 'bargain'! Hmm At the very least, stop doing stuff that benefits him solely or mainly. Don't cook for him, don't wash the car if it's his car, etc. That, mind, is only a short-term solution while you work out what you want your life to be like longer-term.

Original poster
ashamednamechanger · 01/03/2012 21:45

Don't get me wrong, I HAVE thought about leaving, on numerous occassions. But it's just such a complete minefield. He won't leave, so I have to; where do I go? how do I pay upfront, say, for a private rented place? There seem to be so many barriers stopping me. If it was just me I would have gone a year ago, but with 3 DCs it seems impossible.
No, it wasn't his day off, he just had no work on (self employed). Yes, there were jobs that didn't HAVE to be done today, but I've put them off long enough already through lack of time. And with 2 bedwetters the beds DO have to be changed daily.
What really gets me is that, if he did pull his weight more, I would be happier, I would actually want to have sex with him, then he would be happier.....I just can't understand how he can NOT see this....it's such a no-brainer.

It basically all boils down to one thing....he obviously sees himself as being much more important than me or his DCs.

OP posts:
Witchofthenorth · 01/03/2012 21:52

You are going to fall into the trap of becoming a martyr to your children and house...there is only enough room in the world for one of those and I am filling those shoes just nicely :o

Seriously though, just stop. Stop it now. My husband pays for the roof over our heads but will still pick up the hover or do dishes, or do the tae kwon do run.

Nobody is going to thank you for this, obviously your "d" h isn't so stop doing it all and start getting hi to help. If he doesn't sop doing things that benefit him.

You need to get off the cross my lovely cos I need the wood for mine :o

Witchofthenorth · 01/03/2012 21:53

Pick up the hover Confused

Quite clearly that was meant to be Hoover, apologies for any other typos, iPad is being very temperamental.

AnyFucker · 01/03/2012 21:58

Thre is another "thing" it boils down too, also (I agree with your #1)

he is terminally stupid

a terrible crime in a partner, and will kill your relationship dead in the end

HandMadeTail · 01/03/2012 22:00

Ashamednamechanger, I think you should suggest relationship counselling. He probably doesn't realise you are at your wits end. And sex twice a year? You seem to have deeper problems than a rant on MN can solve.

Would it really be best for your dc for you to leave him? Or for you, for that matter? You must get help!

Good luck.