Am so pissed off with being expected to do EVERYTHING!

[ashamednamechanger]

To cut a long story short, I have spent all day;
Getting the DCs up, getting their breakfast, getting them dressed, finally getting myself dressed, taking them to school (after making 3 packed lunches), coming home, cleaning up, hoovering, washing pots, laundry, changing the beds, food shopping, sorting out the dustbins and overflowing recycling boxes ready for tommorrows collection, clearing the catshit off front and back gardens, repairing the trampoline, washing the car, hoovering the car out, printing off a shedload of paperwork, preparing and cooking dinner, collecting kids from school, taking them to afterschool activities, taking them home, cooking tea, washing pots (again0, bathing kids, making them drinks and snacks, sorting out their clothes for tommorrow.
In the same day DH has done NOTHING apart from twat about on his iphone, watched tv, and I even returned from hanging out the washing at one point today to find him playing Darts (WTF). He is currently lying on the sofa as usual whilst expecting me to stop the kids racing up and down the stairs. But why should I, it's always left to me!
Yesterday he actually stepped over a half eaten sarnie that the youngest had dropped on the floor. When I asked him why he hadn't picked it up instead, he said he would....later WHAT?????

I am being treated like the proverbial hired help aren't I? Which wouldn't be so bad if I was getting paid for it, but he is soooooooooo tight.
I don't even know why I posted this as no advice is going to help is it?
Think I just need to rant as I feel so bloody angry.

If he only works 25 hours a week then he has much more time on his hands than most typical 'breadwinners' and should be pulling his weight. I've seen it on here before that a good rule of thumb is that you both have the same amount of leisure time, be that for sitting around or going out, gym, running, socialising etc.

He's not going to change and you are teaching your dcs a rather unhealthy relationship dynamic IMO.

Get some advice on separating. Find out your entitlements and the situation with housing rights.

Elastamum you're right, being a single parent isn't easier in a simple straightforward way, but I personally do find it happier. I find I have less housework without a lazy, entitled, selfish bloke around the house, and I find I have full autonomy of my finances and therefore can make decisions sensibly(rather thasn money being spent on beer, cigs or 'keeping up with the jones' stuff that my son and I don't care about). I am also now able to raise my own young son to pull his weight in the house and realise that men and women should be equal in terms of pulling their weight at home.

Elastamum, I realise that being a single parent will be hard, but I feel like I'm already at that point. I am still up at close to midnight most evenings trying to play catch up whilst his lordship is esconced in his bed. so actually being on my own might even be easier....at least I'll have one less "child" to clean up after.
As for the money situation being worse as a single parent, it's not good now. Yes, he pays the mortgage, gas and electricity bills, but if it wasn't for child tax credits, we would have nothing to eat as he has never contributed to such stuff. He must think food is left on the table by the Tesco fairies in the middle of the night!

I would love to save my marriage, if only for the sake of the DCs, but I don't think he will change now, not for my benefit anyway, so leaving seems to be my only way, sadly.

Well maybe it is time to lay all the cards on the table. You say he works 25hours a week? Right then, you work out how much of your "job" including your voluntary work amounts to 25 hours and tell him that the rest needs to be divvied up.

It does nt make any difference whether or not his wages pay the mortgage, you are married to each other. That is a partnership. You both decided to live together, that means you are both responsible for the upkeep and maintenance. Obviously there needs to be a fair division of labour there and if you are at home more, then you pick up a little more of that. And, unless you had some immaculate conception, I am pretty sure you both had a hand in the making of the DCs? He helped make them, he can help raise them.

Once your working hours have been fairly divided, you then need to fairly divide free time available to both of you.

Trust me when I say that you either have to do this and your husband agrees, or you seriously need to evaluate your marriage. I am not saying "leave the bastard". Because I think this is an issue that could be resolved, but it would mean a change of mindset from your husband...away from 1950 for a start.

I have been married for 8 years and with my husband for 10. He was always a selfish man, I knew he was before I married him, but did not realise how selfish he was until the children came along. I was a martyr to my house and children until about 18 months ago. It took a realisation from me that I did not want to spend my life being a wife, mother, lover, friend, accountant, cleaner, taxi driver and general dogsbody! Nobody was going to thank me and all I was doing was enabling my kids to say"it's ok, mum will do it" and my husband to not move his arse because " it's alright, my witch will do it"

We had a serious discussion about the situation and possible outcomes, including the end of our marriage, and he changed his mindset, so did the kids.

I still have to remind him now and again that I am not his skivvies, but as I said, he is a selfish man and if given an inch, he will take a mile. Rather than assuming that he should just know what to do, I have to tell him. But in a respectful way, such as.."if I go and put the tea in the ove, could you pick the kids up. That way can can eat earlier then relax."...or..."could you pop the bins out while bath the kids?"
That way, he sees us a team as opposed to me nagging.

Does he not give you any money for food?

I...nope. Words fail.

FWIW I am MUCH happier than I was when I was also married to a man with a huge sense of entitlement. And my new partner doesnt believe that women should wait on men, so he is there getting me breakfast in bed and cooking me dinner regularly as well as turning up at the weekend with his toolbox to fix things round the house

Interestingly, all of the little things he does actually make me fancy him more.

Its a shame more men dont understand this. If the did they might get off their arses at home

I am actually seriously thinking about retracting my last post!

What are you getting out of this? How does he make your life better?

I've done it again haven't I ? I've killed the thread! Sorry OP?..

Elastamum, you?re so right about the little things. I?ve always found it?s the build up of little things that make or break a relationship, but it sounds as though many men think in larger (and non emotional) terms. So they pay a big mortgage and think they are doing the best thing ever, doing their duty as a partner, yet that isn?t a turn on just a necessity. What might turn us on is affection, empathy, a meeting of minds, laughter, a hug for no other reason than they love us (rather than only when they want sex), doing little chores without being asked?
When my BF offers to make the Sunday morning coffee I feel closer to him than when I have to remind him to set the table ready for the meal I?ve prepared. Positive little things oil the cogs of relationships don?t they.

HullyGully!

Some men really do think that because they are the moneyearner, this gives them priority in the marriage - as if it's a business or something. It's time spent asa couple, a team, that's what marriage is about. The time each of you puts in to the family. Not money.
He is a junior partner in your family. He should be the tea boy.

21YrOldMan Fri 02-Mar-12 09:05:43
Fairenuff: What support for your statement "Even when you try to tell him, he brings it back to him." is there?

I'm just going on what the OP is telling us:

ashamednamechanger Thu 01-Mar-12 21:01:53
Fairenuff..we have discussed this but his usual argument is that, as his wages pay for the roof over our heads, then he's doing his fair share. I disagree, we go round in circles and end up getting nowhere.

OP does your dh realise that you do make a substantial financial contribution to the household? If you weren't there, he would have to pay for childcare (24/7), a cleaner, laundry person, personal shopper, cook, gardner, etc. To enable him to live the same way he does now, he would have to shell out at least £30,000pa for someone to do what you already do. So you are definately earning your keep.

So first of all, get him to accept that once and for all. The arguement that he is the breadwinner is null and void. Over. Not to be mentioned again.

Now look at your free time. Does he have two free hours a day? To do what he likes? If that is the case, then you are entitled to the same.

Sit down together, with a list of everything that needs doing and create a timetable of who does what and when for the main everyday jobs. Then have a look at all the 'extras' and decide how it's going to get done.

Try to schedule in one night a week or fortnight when you go out together as a couple and see if you can reconnect. You will find that if you work together you will have more free time to do things as a family and have fun together.

In the meantime, see the solicitor and find out where you stand. At the moment he does not take your threats to leave seriously because he says he won't go and he thinks you can't go, so you're stuck in this situation. It will be a big wake up call for him to realise that, actually, you know exactly what you can do and how you're going to do it!

I only ever do chores when I want to do them.

If anyone ever dared to moan or expect me to do them I would throw them the hoover/polish/bleach, etc. and tell them to be my guest.

If I don't feel like taxi-ing the DC's, I just say no.

The world has not come to an end and my family do not have to endure a martyr-mummy any more

Well, we've had our little "talk" this afternoon, and frankly, it went down like a cup of cold sick!
I was calm, he was huffy, I was reasonable, he just complained that his invoices and bills for the bussiness hadn't been done. Also, as the company secretary (unpaid of course), it was my responsibility to sort this out.
He then asked if the roast chicken that I had spent 2 hours cooking was meant to be cold!
I well and truly give up. Thanks for all the really good advice which I think would have worked, with a reasonable man. Unfortunately, it seems I am NOT arried to a reasonable man, so there you go.

I do hope "give up" means "shoved his invoices and cold chicken up his arse and booted him out the door"??

As above ^^

Get yourself to a solicitor. This is not a marriage. You will be better, stronger and happier by yourself, and normally don't go down the leave the bastard road.

I hope you have shoved the past chicken up his arse as well! Selfish fucker!

Taking the biscuit. How can he lord it about being the breadwinner when he even expects you to do parts of that for him without pay?

What are you going to do now OP? I'm on your behalf.

He's still not taking you seriously. You've given it your best shot, tried to make him understand and he still believes that everything will carry on before. The trouble is, OP, it's down to you now. You either stick to your guns and see this through, or prove him right. If you carry on as before, this will never change. What future do you see for yourself?

when I first posted I was angry. Throughout today I have just become more and more
Now I am back to seething....my friend phoned this evening and while we were chatting, she told me that DH had posted some rather derogatory remarks about me on his FB page. Not the first time this has happened, but this time I just lost it. How fucking dare he? What happens between us is not for public airing. And before anyone jumps in, this is a forum where nobody knows my real name, so completely different. But on FB, my friends can see his posts and being slagged oof in public to all our friends has really done it for me now.
If I could I would delete these remarks, but I can't, so am now going to be labelled as *by him to everyone.
Am now regally pissed off.

You can ask him to delete them. Why would he do that? Is he angry about your 'talk' earlier. He is sounding more and more entitled tbh.

Very. Out. Of. Order.

Is he 15? How dare he?

Actually I'm furious. My heart rate increased on your behalf just now, op. Oh and 'ashamednamechanger' ??? is that because you're dead assertive on other people's threads but...

Channel that regally pissed off-ness into something positive x

If you separate you're going to need to work. CAn you take steps towards that beforehand?

Ha, ha, no my new name came about because I was going to post on good housekeeping about my lack of cleaning skills (DH's opinion, not mine), so I chose that name.
No point asking him to remove it. It has happened before, I was mortified. A friend approached me at DC's school and asked me if I was feeling any better. I was completely baffled and she explained that DH had posted some remark about me along the lines of "she won,t let me go out....manic depressive". I did not know where to put my face, I just felt so embarrassed.
for the record I am definitely not a depressive, but am definitely manically angry.
I am soooooo tempted to go on FB and make some derogatory remark about him, but that is childish and will not help anyone in this situation, will it?

No you're not going to stoop so low. Good. So what then?