Am so pissed off with being expected to do EVERYTHING!

[ashamednamechanger]

To cut a long story short, I have spent all day;
Getting the DCs up, getting their breakfast, getting them dressed, finally getting myself dressed, taking them to school (after making 3 packed lunches), coming home, cleaning up, hoovering, washing pots, laundry, changing the beds, food shopping, sorting out the dustbins and overflowing recycling boxes ready for tommorrows collection, clearing the catshit off front and back gardens, repairing the trampoline, washing the car, hoovering the car out, printing off a shedload of paperwork, preparing and cooking dinner, collecting kids from school, taking them to afterschool activities, taking them home, cooking tea, washing pots (again0, bathing kids, making them drinks and snacks, sorting out their clothes for tommorrow.
In the same day DH has done NOTHING apart from twat about on his iphone, watched tv, and I even returned from hanging out the washing at one point today to find him playing Darts (WTF). He is currently lying on the sofa as usual whilst expecting me to stop the kids racing up and down the stairs. But why should I, it's always left to me!
Yesterday he actually stepped over a half eaten sarnie that the youngest had dropped on the floor. When I asked him why he hadn't picked it up instead, he said he would....later WHAT?????

I am being treated like the proverbial hired help aren't I? Which wouldn't be so bad if I was getting paid for it, but he is soooooooooo tight.
I don't even know why I posted this as no advice is going to help is it?
Think I just need to rant as I feel so bloody angry.

You are a SAHP who doesn't work whose children are at school. If my partner was doing this role (i.e. didn't work outside the home), I would expect them to be running the household, cooking, doing the school-run, I don't think this part is outrageous.

It is outrageous if you have almost no leisure time and he has lots, but it's not clear if this is a typical working day for him.

He may well be a bit of a twat, and the division of labour may be quite skewed, but I do think you are making work for yourself during the day when your children are at school. You sound utterly fed up with your life and with your husband- why not get a job and stop doing all that crap for him as you aren't going to get appreciated in this lifetime?

Sorry that sounds awful, I don't mean you should get a job at some moral level, more that clearing up cat poo all day and staring at your slobby husband is really a horrible way to live and you sound like you would like a more exciting life, getting out of the house might be one way to do that and give yourself financial independence as well, if that's one of the reasons keeping you there.

I'll be honest, I do get fucked off as the breadwinner when dh appears to expect me to do so much else as well (I do the afterschool activities, for example). Your children are at school all day. I get that you are stressed and fed up, and that your relationship is at a low ebb, but I agree with the poster who said that some of those tasks do sound optional. (E.g. could you afford school dinners? Makes the mornings a lot easier). Unless you talk/shout/have sex, things are not going to change.

TBH, the lack of sex began because of my wanting to "punish him" in a way. It was an attempt to make him take notice of my feelings, but it lasted for so long due to my growing resentment.
I completely agree with the martyr label. DH has even said I seem to hate him. So if he recognises that I am full of resentment towards him, why won't he do something about it? I know that if he was working all the hours God sends and I was just loafing around the house, then I think I would be "aware" of this fact and do something to change it.

Have you actually asked him to do specific tasks? I find very very precise instructions work much better than asking him to "stop being so lazy and help me out ffs!"

Sorry, didn't make it clear. I have 2 at school and 1 at home still.
Yes he does have a job which pays extremely well for very few hours...he never works more than 25 hours per week, but is the sole breadwinner.
I do voluntary work for a local charity so lots of paperwork, sourcing grants and funding, filling out lots of forms, sending out letters etc, so pretty busy for me. I get a lot of satisfaction out of it because I know I'm helping the charity and it gives me something for me to focus on apart from home and family.
But because I don't get a wage DH treats it like a bit of a joke really.

You are not a joke, though, are you ?

So why do you tolerate it ?

lollipoppet, I really hate, hate, hate the idea that I have to ask him to do something. I mean, he's 46 fgs, not 6. Surely I don't need to give him a list of chores like a child? He should just KNOW what needs doing to keep things moving, like any
normal, mature grown up. I mean, I don't need to stand outside the bathroom and tell him to wipe his arse, so why do I have to ask him to wash the pots when they are dirty..... he should know by now!

Yes he should be able to do it without being told, but he won't as he doesn't see it as his job.

Your DH sounds like a knob, but since you can't make someone else change the best you can do is change how you deal with it. What are you getting out of this?

Sometimes blokes need it spelling out to them in words of one syllable

Recite your first post to him then ask him what he's done all day. Ah, but he works usually, doesn't he...so do the same again - list everything from morn til night. Make notes if necessary. Have a calculator at hand to tot up the minutes (his inertia-v-your productivity). Also calculate hours he's out doing leisure stuff compared to you.

Make him realise it's unfair (it shouldn't be difficult).

Then write a list of who's doing what each day (more if it's a day off for him) and stick it on the fridge.

Stay on his case until it becomes habit - or you Really decide you've Had Enough.

Encourage him like a toddler? Reward him with sex? No. Tell him to man up or or you'll kick him into orbit round the Planet Offufuck? (hope I got that right) Yes Indeedy.

Oh dear.... he's really treating you like the skivvy if he steps over a sandwich on the floor!!

I'd go on strike too. Just do for you and DC.

If he was living on his own he'd have to get his ass in gear.

He's lying on the sofa cos you enable it.

Oh, and get a dishwasher installed.

It's not remotely surprising you don't want sex with him. It's very hard to fancy someone who makes it so clear that he considers you his servant and his inferior (well, outside pre-negotiated BDSM relationships, anyway) - sex has become one more chore you are expected to perform for him (and men like this are usually rubbish at sex anyway).

What I advise is doing some research. Find out what benefits you would be entitled to, the legal position WRT the family home, how much of his income you would get in the way of maintenance, and when you have all this information then you can work out what to do. It might be a matter of taking the DCs and leaving, it might be a matter of getting him forced out of the house (or the sale of it enforced) by court order.

I just don't see why, in this situation, being a single parent would be better sgb?

I understand your situation better now OP, sorry. I'm afraid I also think sitting down with an agenda and a calculator is not likely to improve things. Just tell him you are struggling to be happy at the moment and you don't want to live like this any more, skivvying for the whole family and full of anger. Let him know loud and clear that something has got to change. The sandwich thing is really shocking.

Re an earlier comment of yours:-

"He won't leave"

Have you asked him outright to leave?. If he said no I am not totally surprised because he is getting what he wants out of the relationship. What is his parents relationship like btw; does his mum run around after his dad all the time?. Sometimes such behaviour is learnt, its no excuse though.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Be honest, are you staying solely because of the children?. Staying for them rarely if ever is a good idea; they learn that you are living a lie and if you were to subsequently tell them that you stayed for their sake they will call you a silly cow and wonder why you put him before them. This is not a legacy you want to leave them.

What example of a relationship are you setting these young people; currently both their parents are teaching them damaging lessons/

If he's now 46 as well, well the chances of him changing behaviour now is slim to none.

I doubt also very much that he would consider relationship counselling so go on your own instead.

I would also find out as much as possible where you stand legally speaking; many solicitors do a free 30 minute consultation.

Nothing will change unless you change it.

He has everything done for him, why would he change?

He knows you're not happy about it but after a bit of complaining you'll get on with it, why would he change that?

If he puts off doing any housework he knows you will do it for him, why would he change that?

The only reason for him to change his behaviour would be if he cared a jot about you. And he clearly doesn't. He is being selfish, immature, irresponsible and cruel. He has no concern for your happiness or feelings whatsoever. It's all about him, him, him. Even when you try to tell him, he brings it back to him.

It wouldn't hurt to find out what your options are re leaving. Have a preliminary chat with a solicitor and arm yourself with information. You will be in a much stronger position then. And there are lots of women who have gone it alone here who have a wealth of knowledge and advice. Use it to help find a better life for you and your children.

"he's 46 and he should just know". This isn't a problem that started recently, is it. You have 3 DC's, 2 in school, assuming they're from this man you've probably been together 7+ years. If he's only ever seen his mum running around after his dad, then he'll think it's normal and expect that of you. And if you've fulfilled his expectations for the last 7 years then he'll think it's even more normal.

Get a grip, accept that he might be 46 but age does not an adult make, and YOU have been implicitly reinforcing his behaviour for the last however many years, and unless you talk to him about it, like in any normal relationship, then you're not going to get anywhere.

Not having sex so he does the housework? Loving the passive aggressive here- not. FFS woman, how do you expect him to just know what you want if all his life he's seen what's currently happening as being normal and fine? Grow up and just talk and communicate with him, rather than expecting him to read your mind and withdrawing sex, destroying your relationship, when he doesn't.

Fairenuff: What support for your statement "Even when you try to tell him, he brings it back to him." is there?

Withholding sex to punish him for a year for no given reason (to him) so that your husband thinks you hate him. What a way to live.

OP, the overriding factor in all this is that none of your strategies (expecting him to know, withholding sex) are working. So however much you might feel that he ought to see what needs to be done and do it, or ought to know that withholding sex is a sign you're unhappy with him - he doesn't see it or is refusing to see it. Either way, this is not working for you. You need to try something different. I suggest a very frank conversation about who puts what into your relationship and how you can improve that if it's going to continue. Spell it out so there can be no doubt. Don't hide behind this 'he should know' business, which is an excuse for both of you to cling to the status quo because the alternative is too scary.

While I completely understand the mindset of "why should I have to tell him something needs doing" I think that's a bit self defeatist. Yes, it's true, that in the perfect world, we should all notice when our partner needs help but that doesn't always work like that. I have a good friend who has a similar situation with her DH and it drives her crazy. But if you asked him, he'd say that she is always getting things done her way and if he does it wrong, she snaps at him. With DH and I, we both sometimes have to spell it out to the other one - I have had to remind him that the washing doesn't get done magically and he sometimes has to remind me that the lounge doesn't look tidy and clean because the cat sorted it out...!

It is better to be a single parent than to have a selfish lazy man around the house, making more work for you and expecting sex. Because you are free of the toxic mix of hope and resentment - hope that he will suddenly change into a decent human being and resentment that someone who supposedly loves you is perfectly happy to see you running around skivvying for him and has no interest in lifting a finger to help.

Fairenuff's point about him turning it back round to himself is so true. We have had numerous conversations regarding this matter, so it's not like I haven't made it plain enough for him. And he does always bring it back to the fact that HE is the one keeping us financially. And, TBF, I have no argument with that. Yes, he does pay for the mortgage which is quite hefty....but it was his decision alone to move us into a larger property. We we perfectly fine in our previous house, it was just him wanting somewhere posher.
I would say that with regards to the sex, it did start as a stick to beat him with, but as my resentment towards his behaviour escalated, it just got to the stage where I just don't want to have sex with someone who, as has been pointed out, appears to have no respect for me. That has basically killed any desire on my part. So it's not like I do want sex but am just withholding it to punish him, well, not anymore anyway.
A lot of people seem to think I expect him to be a mind reader, but we have discussed this previously and he refuses to alter his viewpoint, so I am left to seethe.
what really makes me angry is when I read threads on MN about women's DHs who take out the rubbish, wash the pots, bathe the DCs, cook dinner occassionally, and generally share the chores, even after spending maybe 50 hours a week at work. They seem to understand that their marriages are a partnership...50/50 not 80/20.

So, the general concensus seems to be; talk to him about this (have tried)
or leave. My options seem to be limited!

are you married to the same man as me lol!!
my day usually starts at 4.30am when my teething 1 year old wakes up, my dh goes to work at 5.15am, i spend the day grafting away making breckie, washingup, hoovering, pack lunches, getting the kids changed, school drop off, washing, empying bins, cleaning bathroom (while trying to supervise a 3 year old and 1 year old), make lunch, deal with tantrums, wash up, tidy garden, cleaning floors, school pickup (sometimes twice if theres a club, make tea, wash up, bathtimes. hubby gets home (if he doesnt f@*k off to golf) at 2pm after which time he parks his arse in his chair, if im lucky i might get a fart out of him while he looks at what hes going to buy on ebay, or he plays with these puzzles of boobs or arse he downloaded on his mobile...great by the time i sit down at nightime its about 8.30 by which time im knacked at which point he thinks its a great time to 'get some clunge (grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)' he wonders why he doesnt get any lol

Before you pack your bags consider what life will be like as a single parent.

I am a lone parent of 2 boys. I do everything you do and also a full time job. I was ironing last night at 11.30pm. I will be doing chores until midnight tonight and most nights in the week. I also worry about money, and I am relatively well paid.

Being single for 3 yrs has allowed me to meet a loving new partner, who does share everything when he is here (he is also a LP).

What I dont have is the resentment you have. But it isnt an easy alternative