DH's "daughter" from brief fling appears on doorstep 29 years later

[gusting]

My DH, who is 55 now, had a fling with a girl when he was in his 20s. It was very brief, and after it ended she said she was pregnant. Some time later my DH remembers someone coming to his parents house asking for child support for the child, but he had never seen the girl again or heard from her, and so was not prepared to entertain any suggestion of paying child support.

Anyway, last year, my DH received an email (he has a website , so that will be how she tracked him down) from a woman claiming to be my DH's daughter, and asking him to get in touch.

My DH, who is computer illiterate anyway (I deal with all his emails!) was fairly flabbergasted, to say the least, and his reaction was simply to ignore the email. He said he would think about how to respond, but basically in true male fashion filed it to the back of his head. His dad was very ill at the time and has subsequently died, so he had plenty else to think about to be honest, and we have a 2 year old DS (I am 39, by the way!).

Anyway, last night we had people round, and the doorbell rang. I was on the phone so my DH went to answer the door. I recognised the woman straight away as I had looked her up on facebook! It was this "daughter", who introduced herself. My DH was completely dumbstruck- apart from the fact we had people in the house, which was a godsend, or he would have had to ask her in, my DH is completely inept in difficult situations like that.

He told her that it was not a good time, and she asked if she could have 20 minutes of his time to "talk" to her, sometime before she left the area (she was here on holiday) tomorrow evening. He took her number, but because he was so taken aback by the whole scenario, he failed to save it in his phone.

He and I discussed things later, and he is very reluctant to speak to her. He does not want to have a relationship with her (assuming that she is indeed his daughter, which is a strong possibility as she looks a bit like him) and just wants to bury his head. He is annoyed that she just appeared at the house without warning. He says he feels nothing towards her, so doesn't think it appropiate to risk unsettling us all and causing his family possible upset by dragging up the past now.

I do see where he is coming from, and my primary goal is to protect my nice happy family unit from any upset, of course. But part of me thinks that the right thing to do by her would be for him to at least talk to her. After all, it's not her fault she was the result of a quick fling, and she has a right to find out about her dad (if he is her dad) and to get to know him. I keep thinking how curious I would be in her situation and how upset I would be if my dad refused to have anything to do with me.

I know I can convince him to talk to her if I really try- he says he will do it for me, if I want him to. But it could turn out to be a whole can of worms opened, and the effect on our family could be very negative.

Anyone got any views??

sgb How was the daughter to know he had refused to reply? How was she to know he just didn't get it? Or that it might have gone into his spam? Or that he had a wife who deleted it so that it didn't upset the family unit! The daughter didn't know what to think because he didn't even send a reply with a single line saying that he didn't want to know.

If you really want to get in touch with someone who you hardly know it would be foolish to assume after only one email being unanswered that they didn't want to know. They could just be out of the country for a while or in hospital.

You clearly don't think its worth getting in touch with your own adoptive parents and that's your choice. But you also obviously don't think others should be bothered by the genetic connection either and are also extremely harsh if they are. You need to remember that not everyone shares your feelings on it.

I really do wonder if you actually have some issues about it and i wonder if it is the fear of rejection that has held you back from contacting your parents, and your way of justifying it is to pretend to yourself that it doesn't matter to you.

Whatever your problem though, perhaps keep it to yourself and don't inflict it on others.

Your DH has behaved appallingly OP

Brandy, your story could be mine except my father didn't bother to reply when I wrote to let him know my mother had died of cancer

It's never a good idea to turn-up on the doorstep without an agreed appointment when hoping to meet a long lost relative.

In the case of a birth parent, it is more sensible to use a professional intermediary to negotiate a meeting and arrange counselling for both parties to help avoid disappointment and rejection.

Sgb i need to ask . . . Are you as unfeeling and harsh to people who perhaps have depression, were abused as children, who are sick, who go through a trauma, can't have children, whose marriages break down. . . Or is it restricted to just those who feel sad at not knowing their genetic parents?

What does that tell you?

I agree with noddy in that you are more affected then you think.

TBH for all we (and rather more importantly OP) know the daughter has been emailing regularly saying 'I've got some important news for you' for the last 5 years and has finally got fed up with the lack of response.

Well, I have a 2 year old dd who could be this woman in 23 years time. Her father has behaved in the same way as your dh. I hope she doesn't ever have any desire to find him.

I don't agree with solidgold at all on this occasion. It's not needy to want to know who your biological father is ffs and where you came from. And most decent people are not happy to have a child out there who they don't give a fuck about.

She may want something really simple and basic but incredibly important - like medical information. Her turning up on the doorstep after not receiving an answer, may not be a sign of weak-headednesses, though if it is, I don't really see how that makes the OP's DH a better person . It's kind of irrelevant what the daughter is like isn't it? The OP isn't married to her.

That poor girl. She is most likely devastated.
I am the product of an affair. It took all my courage to contact my father when I was 29, and it all went well at first exchanging emails. But after a while the novelty wore off and he could not cope with the fact that he needed to take responsibility for the hurt he had caused. He would also not tell his children about me, he wanted to keep me his little secret (even though his wife knew) It can make you very mixed up without realising why your head is so scrambled if you know what i mean. Counselling and good friends have made me realise I don't need the wanker.
Lets hope your dh decides to man up and take responsibility and show an interest in her life. That's all I wanted.

Poopoo: I have very little patience with people who think that having had a Bad Thing happen to them entitles them to pester and stalk and annoy others. People should deal with their own shit. Remember that in the case described by the OP, we internet sprites certainly don't know whether this is some poor noble Little Match Girl or a complete scammer. It could even be a scammer who found out that the H in question might have impregnated someone years ago.

While it's feasible that one email might have not reached its destination, moving immediately to doorstepping the person you are trying to contact is still a bad move. Even turning up on a good friend's doorstep without warning is to run the risk of being told it's a bad time, go away. Because sometimes it is a bad time whoever is on the doorstep, whether that's because you are dealing with a bereavement, an outbreak of norovirus, or you've just revarnished the hall floor and don't want anyone stepping on it. If you're trying to contact someone in order to announce yourself as a long-lost relative, you should at least make an effort to establish remote contact ie phone, email, letter, before appearing. And if your efforts to do so are all unanswered you should back off. to carry on trying is stalking.

I agree that one e-mail isn't enough to turn up on someone's doorstep.

But the OP has been told by her DH that it's one e-mail. The likelihood is, it's more than that. And the likelihood is, he's lied about the situation to begin with and knew all along that he had another child out there whom he had decided to ignore because patriarchal society allows him to do that.

And what if she needs medical information? I remember when my (adopted) cousin was very ill as a child and my aunt and uncle desperately tried to trace his birth mother to find out if there was any medical history that might save his life. In the event, the processes for finding her were too long and complex and in the meantime, he recovered, so it was not necessary. I'm not saying that it could be a similar situation in this woman's case, but really SGB, are you saying people in those situations should back off when confronted with a man who wants nothing to do with his past abuses of women and children? And I use the word abuses advisedly - a man who refuses to recognise his child (remember DNA tests weren't available then) and support them financially when that mother has asked him to, is abusing the mother of that child and that child.

And are you really saying that men who have impregnated women however long ago, really have no responsibility to that child ever, not even one meeting? Because I think men should be held accountable for their behaviour. If he doesn't want to meet his daughter, I think that's absolutely fine - he has the right to not meet her if that's the sort of man he is. But I do think he owes her the financial support he owed her throughout her childhood. Not that he'll be giving her that of course, because the state and our culture supports the right of men to help make children without any financial responsibility towards those children.

SGB - but the reason agencies strongly advise against turning up on someone's doorstep is to save people heartache, rejection and disappointment - not because it's stalking behaviour or morally 'wrong'!

I don't understand why you have no shred of human empathy or sympathy for her. The fact that you are adopted does not explain or exonerate such bafflingly hard arse comments.

I am gobsmaked at this. Truly speechless, poor poor woman.

SGB one email and one knock on the door does not constitute stalking!

Seriously . . . issues!

Proud i am thinking it must be some sort of self preservation attempt on the behalf of sgb

Poopoo - yes I think the hardcore response is telling
Maryz - I totally understand your feelings about that x

Gusting, I'm glad you have helped your dh send an email. That's the very least the poor woman is owed.

My sister's best friend has just met her Father for the first time since she was a baby. Different story (her Mother and Mother's family made it clear they wanted nothing to do with him) but I can't tell you how absolutely terrified she was that she would be rejected. Thankfully he was thrilled and had always been waiting to hear from her. Her Father's wife was welcoming too and delighted to welcome her into her Father's family. It has made such a difference to my sister's friend - all sorts of things such as looking nothing like her maternal family or half-sisters, feeling like a cuckoo in the nest her whole life, have been made better. She even has gestures in common with her Father - which her Stepmother pointed out.

What I'm trying to say is that the reunion has brought nothing but joy into their lives - the lives of a whole extended family. Maybe if you try to make some space for this girl in your lives, it could be a wonderful thing, not a tragedy.

I don't get why people are automatically on the side of someone who might be a total scammer anyway.

And Maryz: I'm sorry your children feel rejected already. Being adopted doesn't necessarily make you feel rejected. I have never felt rejected - I have lovely parents and never felt much of a need to stalk my bio-parents and disrupt their lives. It's always been other people who have wanted to make a big deal out of me being adopted.

A. Its not about sides
B. There is absolutely on reason to think this woman is a scammer.
D. Trying to get in touch with someone is not the same as stalking (the fact that you keep calling her a stalker is very telling i think)
C. Your most resent post has done nothing to make you look any less like you have a chip on your shoulder regarding this subject.

Adoption is completely different, though, SGB. This girl isn't adopted.

And it doesn't look like she's a scammer - this man knows he has a child and failed her again and again. He hasn't shirked responsibility once and forgotten about it, he's done it again and again.

Your decision not to trace your birth parents is yours. It isn't a perfect template for the way everyone else should live their lives and doesn't apply to anyone else, much less someone who isn't even adopted.

i'm glad your dh has emailed her.

i think he's probably in shock.

his first reaction wasn't great but he's trying now. that's the most important thing.

What actually are the odds on her being "a total scammer", do you think
SGB?
What motive would anyone have for trying to force their way into a family previously unknown to them? The fact you are being so vocal on how inadviseable it would seem to "stalk" your birth parents is screaming that your own issues in this regard are far from resolved.

I wonder if you actually have any real objective advice to offer the op, that isn't tainted by your own experiences?

Well, there are plenty of scammers about. Mainly, what gets me is this idea that it's perfectly OK to go directly from sending an email, to turning up unexpectedly on someone's doorstep. A rational person would try more than once to make contact via letter etc, and understand that contact may be refused and if so, give up and go away. If someone doesn't want to have a relationship with you, the sane, ethical and best response for your own well-being is to regard it as their loss and walk away.
But everyone's all waa, waa, it's ever so brave to intrude on someone's life unexpectedly. It's not brave. It's desperate.