DH's "daughter" from brief fling appears on doorstep 29 years later

[gusting]

My DH, who is 55 now, had a fling with a girl when he was in his 20s. It was very brief, and after it ended she said she was pregnant. Some time later my DH remembers someone coming to his parents house asking for child support for the child, but he had never seen the girl again or heard from her, and so was not prepared to entertain any suggestion of paying child support.

Anyway, last year, my DH received an email (he has a website , so that will be how she tracked him down) from a woman claiming to be my DH's daughter, and asking him to get in touch.

My DH, who is computer illiterate anyway (I deal with all his emails!) was fairly flabbergasted, to say the least, and his reaction was simply to ignore the email. He said he would think about how to respond, but basically in true male fashion filed it to the back of his head. His dad was very ill at the time and has subsequently died, so he had plenty else to think about to be honest, and we have a 2 year old DS (I am 39, by the way!).

Anyway, last night we had people round, and the doorbell rang. I was on the phone so my DH went to answer the door. I recognised the woman straight away as I had looked her up on facebook! It was this "daughter", who introduced herself. My DH was completely dumbstruck- apart from the fact we had people in the house, which was a godsend, or he would have had to ask her in, my DH is completely inept in difficult situations like that.

He told her that it was not a good time, and she asked if she could have 20 minutes of his time to "talk" to her, sometime before she left the area (she was here on holiday) tomorrow evening. He took her number, but because he was so taken aback by the whole scenario, he failed to save it in his phone.

He and I discussed things later, and he is very reluctant to speak to her. He does not want to have a relationship with her (assuming that she is indeed his daughter, which is a strong possibility as she looks a bit like him) and just wants to bury his head. He is annoyed that she just appeared at the house without warning. He says he feels nothing towards her, so doesn't think it appropiate to risk unsettling us all and causing his family possible upset by dragging up the past now.

I do see where he is coming from, and my primary goal is to protect my nice happy family unit from any upset, of course. But part of me thinks that the right thing to do by her would be for him to at least talk to her. After all, it's not her fault she was the result of a quick fling, and she has a right to find out about her dad (if he is her dad) and to get to know him. I keep thinking how curious I would be in her situation and how upset I would be if my dad refused to have anything to do with me.

I know I can convince him to talk to her if I really try- he says he will do it for me, if I want him to. But it could turn out to be a whole can of worms opened, and the effect on our family could be very negative.

Anyone got any views??

My DH has two daughters turn up as adults. Both mothers had denied that he was the father at the time of their births, but both have subsequently told their daughters as adults that my dh is their father.
My dh always suspected, and always wanted them, but could do nothing in the face of flat denial all those years ago.

He did tell me, when we first got together, that there were 'one or two possibilities' that might turn up one day.......

My first priority was and is my children's happiness. And their adult half sisters have bought happiness and joy into our lives, and another layer of love and support for my children.

We've had our ups and downs in our 'extended nuclear family' but the up's have far, far outweighed any downs.
We've worked hard together, not to put the noses of their mothers or their other 'fathers', out of joint. They have done a fantastic job of bringing up my stepdaughters. A dad is the man who is there for a child throughout childhood, mopping up tears and giving love and hugs.....my dh has not had that opportunity with these girls, but has every respect for the men who did.

We've worked really hard to bring our family together and it has been so worth it!
It was and is difficult for my dh and his eldest two daughters to talk about what happened in the past between him and their mothers, but by acknowledging his part and expressing his admiration for their mothers and other dads, we seem to have come through.

We don't encroach on their other family occasions-we celebrate Solstice together as a family for instance, as we can't be all together on Christmas Day. The girls and their children come to stay with us individually, but we also try and get together every so often-no mean feat with six 'children', various partners, two step grandchildren (and another on the way) but they all relish every opportunity to do so-and we adore it when the plan comes together. These are my favourite days of the year! We've even managed a camping holiday all together!

If I'm asked I'd always say we have six children.
My youngest child talking recently about the opportunity to emigrate to Australia, that we turned down, said that she was so glad that we didn't go, otherwise her sisters wouldn't have been part of our lives "and we would all be worse off if that had happened"

I'm telling you all of this OP, to try and show if you can help your DH face his responsibilities to this woman, and be supportive, her coming into your lives can enrich all of them....including the life of your child.

Well done Op, I like the response that you came back with. I hope you will help to show DH the right way to go with this.

OP, how is your daughter going to feel in say 10 - 15 years time when she finds this out?

You both owe it to both daughters to sort this out.

Oh, and MrsBaldwin, a DNA test is possible to weed out any fraudulent claims obviously.

Please don't let this woman be rejected a second time

You need to address this head on. What he really should have done is cleared teh house of his community group and put her first for the first time in her life. This mini rejection at the door after all those years will just add to her feeling shit about herself. A quick turf out of your mates would have made a world of difference to her Now I fear he will have to work even harder just to gain even a smidgeon of trust.

while i totally understand that yor DH is scared of facing up to the remorse and guilt of what he has done, i think he needs to realise that it isn't as important as what his daughter is feeling. he has had 29 years of putting his feelings on the matter first. now it's time to put her feelings first and if a 20 minute talk is what she wants then he sure as hell owes her that. his feeling need to be come second now. he owes her that much.

He had a sexual relationship with a woman who said she was pregnant.

He was then flabberghasted to discover that a child existed!

Wow. Is he an utter dick, or an utter moron? or perhaps both?

As for all this "he vaguely remembers someone asking for child support" bollocks.. as if a child is somewhat akin to a jumper he needed a refund on or something.

O_o

Sorry this isn't terribly constructive, but I could weep for the poor woman. I know how much courage it must have taken for her to contact her birth father because I've never had the balls to contact my own; earlier it was because I didn't want to upset my mum, but since she's died it's the fear of begin rejected again.

I also know that he went on to have at least two other children, and that he brought up a step-daughter the same age as me as one of his own. Ouch.

I agree, TSC. I just cannot fathom how the two of you could return to your evening of entertaining, having turned away a woman likely to be your daughter/step daughter without a second thought. Really, just left her on the doorstep like that when all she was asking for was 20 minutes of your time.

Did your tea taste nice?

Another one in the daughter's shoes here. It's very unlikely I'll ever find my bio father, but if I can, I won't be interested in recriminations. My motivation is information - medical history, family history, his culture which is different to the one I've been brought up in, that kind of stuff.

Someone further up said that they looked in the mirror and knew nothing of half of their heritage. That's what haunts me too. Your husband's daughter deserves answers to those questions, however difficult it will be for your husband. He may be feeling guilty and dreading facing up to her anger, but she may just want answers. I hope he gives her that opportunity.

I know of someone in a different scenario to you whose DP had an affair and a pregnancy. The woman continued seeing the bloke, but demanded that he had nothing to do with the child. At the time, I thought this was incredibly selfish and wrong but he was more than happy to do this.

Several years (and affairs) later, they are no longer a couple - and the bloke is more than happy to have very little to do with his children (with the woman) and she is now saying how appalling that behaviour is - yet she once demanded that exact same behaviour from him! It is terribly hypocritical, but to be totally expected, given his previous form.

But the point being, if you justify him not facing up to his responsibilities, then you have no right to complain if he should one day walk out on you and your children. Just because she is a grown woman, it does not mean that he has no more responsibilities with her. Hopefully, if you make him see that he has responsibilities that he has to live up to, that works well for everyone (and you, should you ever be in that position).

For what its worth, I think your DH has been given a hard time on here, and yes it is all too easy for men to put their heads in the sand... but If you can, then you must make him see that he has to do the right thing, condoning his behaviour is not the answer for anyone.

I think your offer of meeting her is a good one, or if your DH agrees, could you facebook her and apologise / explain on his behalf and ask for a meeting... something to melt the ice. She may be reluctant of getting her fingers burnt again, so you may well be able to act initially as an intermediary and this may make an initial meeting less hostile, perhaps? I'm not explaining myself well, because I'm not suggesting you everything for him - but just that it might lead to smoother relations, make the initial process easier if she knows she has you 'on her side' as it were (and that in turn, might make it easier for your dh too).

Finally, don't think about the negatives of this woman coming in to your family - she's not a threat, but possibly a big sister for your own child, who could massively benefit from this.

Good luck to you.

He really needs to man up if he is to save his relationship wth his other daughters.

I have a friends who's dad came back on the scene when her mother died of cancer when friend was (just 18). Took her under his wing for a couple of months, and then demanded a paternity test. The second one.

The first one he had contested in court (and failed) so he woulnd't have to pay maintenance.

He had step daughters and a step son frrom his latest relationship who took the whole thing very very hard.

There is a whole circle of hell that Dante didn't dream up waiting for that man.

Sounds like a real charmer OP

Lucky you

Poor girl.

First his parents and now you are enabling his behaviour and are ignoring this poor girl.

Didnt his parents ever wonder/want a relationship with their grandchild????

I hope you are prepared to ignore your dh's complete lack of backbone for the rest of your life, but I have a feeling it may get tiresome for you in the long run.

How on earth can you continue respect this man???? How would you feel if you were this girls mother? If he treated your dd like this?

He has had nearly 3 decades to sort this out, and blaming a recent family bereavement for him not getting in touch/caring is pretty weak IMO.

I can't get over the whole "his father was so important to him and he was so upset that he was ill so just ignored the email" excuse.

So, he fully appreciates what a father can add to someone's life whilst simultaneously denying that to his own daughter?

What. A. Cunt.

He was actually 26 then, when his child was conceived? He wasn't a teenager.

When a relationship ends and the girl says she's pregnant, most men do something as a result - run away, get married, live together, dump her. They do SOMETHING. He did absolutely nothing.

Most men, when a man in a suit comes round looking for child support will think, "Oh, I'd better get a lawyer/speak to the girl/do SOMETHING" - again, he did nothing.

If he's giving his other child £1000 per month, he is clearly earning very good money, therefore it's safe to assume he has a brain in there somewhere. He's not shown much evidence of that in his personal life, has he?

But how does he remember the 'man in a suit' if he was working away? There's a distinct whiff of Swiss cheese about all this.

this thread has really played on my mind today despite having no personal experience of this at all. I am incredibly saddened for that poor girl.
I do wonder this though. That the story is not quite as you know it. you only have his version of events and maybe he is afraid that the true story will come out, that the daughter knows of something that he wouldnt want you/others knowing?
Its just so hard to belive that he just blanked out the whole thing. that the grandparents did too. Just pretended it didnt happen. And for so long. I think thats odd and makes me suspicious that theres more to it. A prostitute? A rape?
Something else youd be desperate for no-one to know about? I dont know. But I do hope Im wrong.

Bloody hell, your DH sounds like a total arsehole! That poor woman!

How on earth is a grown women going to affect his family unit? If he was a decent man he would realise that a daugher and half sister to his child would be a blessing. He's being a twat op and you know it. He has buried his head for far too long; up his own arse and now he needs to get it out. His poor dd. I do have personal reasons for being hard on men like your dh as my dds dad has rejected her. she is only little but still.

Glad to see you came back OP. I hope your dh does want contact although I doubt it? You have a right to contact her seen as your ds is her brother. You're separate individuals so can make up your own minds what you want to do. Obviously that'd have repercussions but life isn't easy is it? I personally wouldn't force dp if it were me but then again I'd be very sad if he did push her away.

So let me get this right; he had one estranged dd who he tried to keep in contact with but who has cut him off or rather her mum has??? But he has chosen to ignore this one. So he likes to pick and choose. Of course that makes him so much better dosn't it? IMO it makes it a whole lot worse.

just for those of you who are interested my DH has, with my help, emailed his DD today apologising for not being able to talk last night and inviting her to ring him to arrange to meet. He works away a bit so has offered to meet her closer to her home if that is easier for her.