The Brave Babes Battle Bus - On Their Way To Giving Up The Booze For Lent (or just for today)

[Mouseface]

Hello, I'm Mouse

Welcome to the Brave Babes Bus where you'll find a mix of drinker, non drinkers, those who has been sober for a long time, and those who are getting there One Day At A Time.

Come and say hi....... we won't bite

And if you want to know how this all got started, HERE is a link to the previous threads.

Sorry I didn't get back onto the bus last night MsGee, I was exhausted. Truly I think you need to tackle the grief with perhaps other girls that have gone through this experience. It is important for your wellness that the help you get is specific for this and then tackle the drinking if you want to. Although the situation is unique to you, there are many others who have suffered in similar ways. Most drinkers are good at compartmentalizing stuff, once you have the right support I think you will be able to.

Creature of habit syndrome is alive and well, Bibbity what on earth are you cooking up, blimey four hour shift at the kitchen!!!

One of my biggest triggers too, well before I was at it 24/7, but it was the best excuse for opening a bottle. I tried all the soft drinks in pretty glasses, now I just don't pretend anymore and have water with lots of ice and a slice. I am addicted to coffee though, which I drink far too much of after dinner. It's warming up, knock up a salad for the next week.

Wrath it's a move in the right direction.

Be safe today everyone xx.

Morning everyone.

I have been reading avidly, as always. I just haven't felt able to post. The discussions yesterday were particularly relevant to me right now. What a fantastic invention Mumsnet is

MsGee, I am not sure of the details of what you have been through and I am worried about saying the wrong thing. But please be gentle with yourself. How you're feeling must be an entirely normal response to what you've been through Do you think it would help to talk through the details of what happened, perhaps with one of the medical staff, so that you can make peace with yourself for the decision that was made? Do you think it would help for you to be reassured that you did the right thing (the only thing you could do I am certain)? if there is even a tiny element of guilt or doubt about what decisions were made then I imagine that could really hold you back in moving on...sorry if this is not the case or I have misunderstood anything. Big hug for you. Life can be so unbearably hard sometimes. x

Rain, I am with you on the anxiety and feeling low front. The initial boing of being able to stop the crazy drinking has gone. The feeling of waking up sober and guilt-free is no longer such a pleasant surprise. It's just normal now. And I am just left with me. Me and my thoughts. Thinking too much about the past, worrying too much about the future, and dealing with all the shit that is the present... I feel kind of hopeless. When I was drinking I always knew (or at least believed) that my life would be so much better if only I could stop drinking. There was always that option, that route to a better life. Now I'm not drinking (and things are undoubtedly better), yet I feel lower than I have been for a long time, and I don't have a clue what I can do to feel better. I too have isolated myself. It's strange. I know we're kind of in limbo where we are now. We moved away from all our family and friends and we are now planning to emigrate next year so it doesn't seem right to try and invest in relationships here. Oh dear I'm waffling too much now! I need to get on with stuff rather than feeling sorry for myself. This was going to just be a quick hello

Well done Bibbity by the way, it sounds like you're doing great.

Good luck for Day 3 Isinde. You can do it! And that curry sounded amazing. Homemade chapatis? Wow, v impressed

Stay strong, Babes. Today I will not be drinking.

Morning - thanks for the lovely posts last night and sorry for the self-indulgence.

If you can indulge me some more I need to put a few things down and then I focus on someone more interesting for a bit.

I want to write this because I want to share my story with the new folks and because I need to face up to it and perhaps writing it down will help.

From the moment I had my DD nearly four years ago, I knew that I had found myself in motherhood. Before then I was essentially an emotional car crash waiting to happen (and happening regularly). As soon as I was pregnant I found peace. And as soon as DD was born I wanted another.

I had two mcs which knocked me for six. I think they sent me a bit loopy and I was obsessed - the point that DH and I decided we needed a break from ttc so that I could get myself on an even keel and get to the point that I could cope if it didn't work again. We also agreed that the next time would have to be the last, whether the pg was successful or not (due to age, constant upheaval of waiting for that extra member of our family, putting everything on hold - just in case).

Last March I found out I was pregnant. I was over the moon but so so scared. I laughed and joked with work clients that I was going to stay in denial just in case. But week by week my hopes crept up. At 11.5 weeks I started bleeding and braced myself for the worst. And then I found out the worst wasn't even on my radar. The scan showed my lovely baby, kicking and waving at me, heart beating strongly. But something wasn't quite right and within a few minutes they confirmed the baby had a severe case of anecephaly, that it was 100% certain and terminal. Probably before I carried to full term. They suggested termination and this happened within 48 hours so I could have a surgical termination rather than deliver the baby. The hospital were horrible, they arranged a funeral without telling me and when I complained told me I could come and pick up my specimen myself if I wanted. The funeral went ahead and my baby's ashes are in a different county to me.

The night after the termination I started drinking again. I tried to get counselling but the first woman was so horrible and the second said the waiting list was very long. They have offered me genetic tests but I don't want to go back to the hospital. And its hopeless I can't really try again because its too painful and I am getting older each day, which will bring further risks.

I could say ... so I drink but its not that simple is it. Everyone has shit in their lives, loss, bereavement, pain. Not everyone reaches for a bottle. I drank beforehand - I'd just got it under control (with the help of the babes).

I want to find that peace that I had when I first held DD - that certainty that I was whole - that I was a mother. Because right now I don't really feel that I can call myself a mother because I signed those forms to terminate my pregnancy. All i know is that that is my motivation and route back to sobreity.

Sorry for long post, sorry for self indulgence. Please feel free to ignore - I kind of needed to write this down to figure out what is going on. And I feel like I have some further understanding of where I am stuck and what I need to regain.

MsGee, what an absolutely terrible thing to go through, and you were treated abysmally by so called 'professionals'.

I think you would benefit from the right counselling, I hope somebody who knows more about this will be along soon, my first port of call was a sympathetic GP and a referral. My downfall was leaving the area and not being brave enough to go to my new GP and have to admit everything all over again. It was hard enough the first time.

I am only a stranger on the Internet, so my opinion means very little but you are a mother, just one with an illness that can be brought under controll.

Please go easy on yourself and take care x

Thanks Wrath

Perhaps I should go back to counselling. One GP has been very kind but referred me to the horrible counsellor. I have been assessed by NHS mental health team twice and last time they told me that essentially I just need to work through the bereavement myself.

You're not a stranger on the internet - you're a babe on the bus

You're not a stranger on the internet - you're a babe on the bus

I like that thought, and I have been reading back over the thread a little bit but not much. I just need to vent. I have had the most horrible night with DH shouting and projecting his anger on me and the DD's. One DD is suffering panic attacks. I feel like I hate what he has become, and me not drinking (it's over 2 weeks now) is I think fuelled by dislike of him and a way of regaining control. Vent Over.
MsGee thank you for sharing your story with us new folks. I can't say much that you haven;t heard before but I'm sending you all my positive thoughts.

Hi MsGee, we cross-posted there...so perhaps going back to the hospital isn't such a great idea... It's bad enough that you had to go through what you did, the fact that the 'professionals' handled it so badly just makes it so much worse . I think counselling would help, you just need to find the right person. Not sure how you go about it though?

Hi Nigella, I cross-posted again...! Sorry to hear about DH. Good for you for not drinking and claiming back some control though. Hope your DD's OK

It's all very well to say you need to work through it yourself but you need the tools in place to do so. It's hard to know where to start and I think that some sort of counselling might help you to start to help you on the road to 'getting through it'

Cross posted lots! Sorry

Morning all

MsGee that was a very brave and imo necessary piece to write.I don't usually empathise with people,mainly because I just can't feel enough emotion to be able to,but with what you have been dealing with I can feel every last emotion that came out when you wrote that.wrath is right,you are a mother already and from what I know of you,only tiny snippets so far ,a damn fine one too.I agree with what sarah said,you might need to find others who have been through similar,when all the crap happened to me in the maternity ward I too found no help from the powers that be in the hospital and was basically told to bugger off so I can understand your anger at them.I think you are already on the right path as you can already see what needs changing.You my dear have my utmost respect and am going to send lots of healing thoughts to you and yours.It'sonly been a year so give yourself time to heal.

inde I make homemade chappatis too,they are a proper food of the gods comfort food :o

I did not drink last night,I did not attend a village meeting as I knew it would be all phwoookkkk (this is my explosion) and it was,apparently it was all a bit childish so glad I missed it or else I would have come home and reached for the glass.Instead I sorted out my crafting drawers and put all the ribbon,cards,toppers,stamps ect in the correct place,then made a hot chocolate and fell asleep on the chair so mr quiet sent me to bed at 9pm and this is the person that 4 weeks ago was struggling to go to bed at midnight when I first stopped boozing every day.

I have done a 3 mile walk with the dog today and actually got on the scales,am actually quite happy as I quit smoking at the beginning of January and have eaten a fair amount but the scales say I have actually lost a couple of pounds,so the no weekday drinking is doing not just my mental health good. :o

Will jump on later and am loving the sound of chugging roung the countryside and towns on an open top bus with the babes,bring on the sunshine

Pah, and I need to blinking proof read before I hit post!

Nigella :( at your dh shouting BUT :o at you regaining control,take care of you dd with panic attacks,they are horrible horrible debilatating things but with a sober mummy she has got a good start :o

SSSMum and Quiet - thank you
Feel SO hungover today - despite not drinking - perhaps it's because I had bad quality sleep due to last night's shenanigans. Youngest DD very tired too.

all the best everybody for a successful day. x

MsGee very pleased you have written as much as you can down. What ifs, what if you had been looked after properly in the first place. Such a shame.

I am not a fan of clinical therapy with anything that affects the spirit. But, that's just me, and we are all different. There is a great quote by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, an amazing woman who proposed the now famous five stages of grief, it says it all to me about finding like minded souls to help.

?The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

You are a beautiful person MsGee.

If you are not feeling so boingy, it's all part of the next phase, off the cloud of Euphoria and facing life full on. Can be bloody scary. Just take it all in baby steps.

Off I go into the wild blue yonder again, just eaten a horrible sandwich didn't even want it really, habit. x

Thank you everyone, that was difficult but it feels better to have identified the problem. It feels like I am sabotaging the one area of my life I finally found comfort in - motherhood.

Nigella well done on two weeks but at your DH - is this normal behaviour for him? Quiet is right, being sober means that you are in the best place to deal with this.

Isinde well done on day 3 (and can I have some food...) and thank you my friend. I am going to call a friend / colleague who is a counsellor later this afternoon.

I am thinking of what I want to do - what my goal is. Will come back with a plan. It might be on an excel sheet in a nice font

I am jumping on for a short while until my need to have a drink and numb some of the internal pain I have just released is gone.I am now sitting here with my electric fag thing as I was clearing out 2 cupboards upstairs and went through a box that contains some of the last 7 years of my life and it all just came to the surface,then my thoughts were I just need a ciggy and a small drink that will help take the tears away but then I remembered I bloody well stopped using my crutches so I just have to ride it out.

Bloody,bloody,bloody emotions,why is it when you want to leave something buried it decides to come back,full on in your face.I will now be doing the school run with puffy eyes and a tear stained face.I wish I had left the damn box shut.I suppose this is the whole point though,take some AD so I have a better,clearer start point,stop self medicating with booze and try to deal with stuff it's just the shitty stuff from the past that is still there.

I should take some of the advice I gave to MsGee really and find people who have been through similar to me.Does it sound mad that 7 years later it is still there? I really don't know who I can talk to about it though,apart from putting it on here there is no-one else I can say it all to,not even mr quiet as he was not part of my life then so he could never understand it.

Sorry for the self indulgent ramblings but if I did not type it on here I would have been finding the booze that I never touch and that would have been crazy.

Right onwards and upwards.

Quiet - don't apologise for "self indulgent ramblings" because they are not self indulgent ramblings. I don't know what they are, but they are not that!

Is anyone else looking up at the planets that are visible at twilight with the naked eye at the moment? I've been gazing at Venus at dusk and feeling like crying! Funny, eh?

MsGee this is becoming like normal behaviour for DH. It's not really him, but he is not coping with his parkinsons disease and refuses to take any medication (despite it being recommended that he does). I can't see things improving any time soon). Through this thread i am realising that yes I am better placed to deal with adversity if I'm sober. It's obvious really but i hadn't quite thought about it that way, so thank you .......

Nigella I love looking at the stars. Will have to stick my head our of the house tonight!

I'm sorry things are so tough with your husband. It must be difficult for you on so many levels. I'm don't really know what to say other than sobriety will help provide the stability and clear thinking that YOU need, but also that will benefit DH and DD.

Guess what else ... In the mother of all fuck ups - I sorted my work for this month, then I messed up my time capacity (on one if my excel sheets) so I didn't delete the week I am on hols next week. So erm ... I have another week of work to do! Eeek. I think I can sort it but

Plan ... This is my ideal. Not sure if it will work. Next three nights - not worry about drinking but less than a bottle. Not great but I can't deal with it this week. From Friday I am on hols and will be going to bed early and co-sleeping with DD. I hate drinking in the sun so although I'll drink at night I know I won't go overboard.

When I am back I want to only drink on non pre work nights (3 for me). And in moderation. Ive done it before and it worked well but I'm worried I can't do t again. So what is moderation?

Please be honest. Is this a shit plan?

MsGee I think not worrying about drinking for a few days is a good plan. If you drink too much, you will suffer for it and probably regret it, so it will strengthen your resolve . Same goes for holiday.

After that, you will have to see how your plan pans out. Sounds ok in theory but how about just take it one day at a time. So if it is a non-drinking day you don't drink that day. If its not a pre-work day you can try the drinking in moderation and see how it goes . Just don't project too far.

What I really love about you is that you just keep trying. You try to figure out what doesn't work for you and find another way. It's a valuable talent and I'm sure you will find something that works for you x

Ah Faire and Isinde thank you. Love you both too - particularly or focusing on my success at trying and not my failure at doing

One of the therapists i saw (professionally) once pointed out that I was quite good at being self analytical and well, thinking - but rather too stubborn for the doing

Did I mention I am going on holiday?

Seven days of sun, swimming and co-sleeping

And DH brings me a daily ice cream on holiday

Just to let you know I've been in touch with Mouse as she is ok, just has a lot on in RL. But she's doing ok