The Brave Babes Battle Bus - On Their Way To Giving Up The Booze For Lent (or just for today)

[Mouseface]

Hello, I'm Mouse

Welcome to the Brave Babes Bus where you'll find a mix of drinker, non drinkers, those who has been sober for a long time, and those who are getting there One Day At A Time.

Come and say hi....... we won't bite

And if you want to know how this all got started, HERE is a link to the previous threads.

Ma it's not. You are too hard on yourself. Nothing physical happened to me really, apart from falling down in my own home, I didn't kill anyone, never stopped going through the motions, didn't have a major event or end up in hospital. To coin that old phrase, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. Drinking wasn't fun anymore, it was just pathetic. I was pathetic. I was a self pitying piece of shit. The first time I laughed after getting sober I began to cry, because I remembered that I hadn't really laughed for years.

Now all that planning, deceiving, lying, pretending, guilt, pain is gone. I am not Evangelical about it, I am not religious, but I know that something clicked and made my mind stronger than my body. And yes, it was quite a spiritual thing, and still is. I have learnt to protect myself, also learnt to say no, never could when I was drinking, which got me into lots of situations that could have been avoided easily, and now I just make my girls that I look after search for the peace within. And I am happy in real life to own up to having had a problem, and lecture to women's groups in my area. Should be de-stigmatized totally. It's a disease, no one goes into hushed corners with cancer do they? I call this a cancer of the soul.

Can I come back on board?

Sarah for me (and I'm not completely abstinent but controlling it) it was like a fog lifting. The 'blurring' over whether or not to drink seemed clearer and it was an easier decision to make. Or should I say, stick to. Once I make the decision in the morning to not drink I can stick to it. Having the 'towards' motivation has helped me enormously.

I have noticed that practically everyone on this bus, regardless of the amount they drink/did drink, was able to stop during pregnancy. This shows that if the motivation is there it is possible for anyone to stop. Finding the motivation is the tricky bit.

So getting 'away from' the drinking (the guilt, the bad health, the financial cost, the cost to relationships, etc.) and moving 'towards' the motivation are the two things needed, imo, to keep you on track. That's why it is actually so much easier to do it one day at a time.

Hi Rusmum welcome back

Morning. No Boing

Faire you are quite right in terms of motivation - giving up when pg or ttc didn't really bother me at all, because I knew that I had to and I knew that it was worth it. And it was quite nice to have such a solid sort of reason for sobriety, it felt very safe if that makes sense? And then when I think about that it seems bonkers that I can do that for the children I've carried and not for DD who is here, needing me just as much.

sarah can I ask you to explain about the dwelling and stunting thinking - I think I can see how that happens but not sure how it relates to my difficulties with pg friends. Not sure if I explained well but counsellor friend meant that I've not progressed past the pregnancy stage in last three pregnancies because of mc / TFMR. I have a lot bit of trouble thinking about this whole area, so its difficult. Can you help me unravel?

Yesterday ... DH did not move wine, did not encourage that much (although he is very ill, so doesn't need my moaning tbh) - when I poured a glass he said fine but said to have a small second one - as I necked half the second glass (turning it from a large to a smalle) in the kitchen I felt so sad that after all this time he still doesn't really get it.

msgee - no idea whether this is anything similar, and obviously a very different situation - years ago when I had a miscarriage I found it very difficult to be around women who were pregnant, but like you I was OK when the babies were born. For me, I think that as soon as the babies were born I could see that they weren't my babies - they had different shaped faces, or hair, or they didn't smell like my baby. It felt as though as soon as they were a seperate person I could manage OK. Whereas with the pregnant women, I empathised, felt jealous, was angry with them.

I also feel that it's important not to write yourself a script that keeps you stuck. AT this MOMENT you may feel like this, but don't let a comment or interpretation of what is going on just now, define how you will think or feel for the rest of your life. If it helps you to understand some of your painful feelings now, then it is useful, but if you make that a permanent part of your world / beliefs then it may cease to be useful to you. Like much of this - the 'one day at a time' approach can be very helpful.

morning all.
"cancer of the soul" - I like it.
Sounds like some weary folks on here, me included. I am going to go for another jog today, it is very hard but at least something positive to do and then tonight I will not be drinking.

Venus gets it MsGee. I have to go into the surgery like 10 minutes ago, but will be back to try and expand. It is so difficult in text, wish we had a facility to video call or something..where is tech son when I need him.

Make the most of the day, the new life of Spring is all around us.

Morning all,a small boing here but better than nothing.

inde I drank some through last preganancy,first 3 never touched a drop or smoked but the last 1 I did drink some,not huge amounts but still had some and smoked about 4 a day whilst carrying him and he was born by emergency section,I spent a week in intensive care,left the hospital at about 2pm and had a beer in my hand by about 6pm.I am not proud of it but it happened,it's me.

wrath hello,I have the same time of around 5pm when my longings hit,I too love a glass whilst cooking.

ma how's the running going,I did 3 miles this am which is not as far as I would haveliked but have yet another stinking cold coming.

sarah I did 2 hours of digging,my back was sore but we have an entire bed now ready to put the potatoes in and nearly another bed for something else.

Today I will not be drinking and hopefully if I get my mind in the right place for the rest of the week either.I think it will be tough this week though don't know why but have a feeling,I do some voluntary type things and it's all getting a bit throw your toys out of the pram with some of them and I feel frazzled from being stuck in the middle still I must try to remain strong.

Have a good day all,will probably jump back on around 5pm :o

Quiet the small, annoying things that bug us, petty squabbles and the like, are very wearing and I can see how you might like to 'unwind with a drink or two'. But those annoyances don't linger long. I can't remember what I was irritated by this time last week, let alone last month. The problems I had at work on Friday are resolved now and everyone is getting on well.

What I'm trying to say is, these little things are not worth it. Sure, they are hard at the time, but they pass and are replaced by other little annoyances . If you drink to 'unwind', you are making a habit of dealing with your feelings by drinking.

I know it's hard but try to find another way to deal with those feelings.

Soon it will be warm enough to roll back the roof on the top deck and we can all ride along in the sunshine on our open-top bus . Silver how are you and how's your mum? I feel like we need a little day trip somewhere nice, are you up to driving us to the coast?

MsGee you just stalled in that place. It is surrounded by so much pain. I am not saying that you enjoy the pain at all, but many women have a sub concious bent to harm themselves. We do it with drinking. We know it's going to lead to a hangover or worse, but it doesn't stop us. Many alcoholics that I know self harm, and put themselves through the agony, I was one, of anorexia, but that was partly a control issue. It's another mystery to the illness. I got stuck on a house that was my forever house before I drank myself senseless, along with dh, and we lost everything. Nothing like losing a child but in my puddled head I drank on that for years. Could not move on at all. I was bitter. Venus is so right, sometimes moving away from even the most upsetting times is hard, because they belongs to us, but you can only do it by staring it straight in the face without the drug that alters who you really are. Not drinking through pregnancy just shows how illogical we are under the influence. My ds had to experience some dreadful bouts of alcoholism, I dwelt on that when I was having another slug to try and block it out, now he is old enough to understand but I am quite sure he will never forget some of those times. Being true to yourself is never easy, but at least you don't have the constant sorrow of hurting yourself every day. It takes time to work through it. The AA mantra of one day at a time will always stand.

My dh is much older and also extremely unwell. He has had heart problems for years, now he is in the palliative stage. When I was drinking there was not only an attitude of giving up on me but also one in turn of enabling. Anything for a peaceful life. He drank and often wished I would just shut up and pass out. Loves me desperately but it just wasn't enough. Seeing him so ill, it makes me even more determined that life really is a gift, and I deserve to live it and not wallow in the mistakes, agonies, tragedies that have blighted so much of it. Giving up booze has allowed me to do that, and I am humbled by the fact I have been given a second chance.

Faire is right too Quiet, never sweat the small stuff, even sober it drives you nuts.

Back into the trenches. xx

I heard Stephen Fry speaking recently about his mental health - he likened his moods and mental state to the weather. He said that sometimes it was bad weather and pouring with rain, and he couldn't control it and make it stop. He knew that it wouldn't be like that for ever but that didn't prevent him from getting wet and cold in the rain. But it also didn't stop him enjoying the sunny days for fear that a rain cloud would come along soon.

I have liked that analogy - for me, it's that sometimes there's really tough stuff happening in my world - I can't always control it and it feels horrible. I know that the awful stuff won't continue for ever, but in the moment it IS bad. I find some ease in thinking of it like the weaather, always changing. Then when the bad stuff stops it is easier to say ' oh look I'm wet, I'd better get a hot drink and some warm dry clothes' and be practical about how to deal with how things were and the consequence that they had on me.

Some really interesting and wise words on this thread (as always).

I am sat here with a mug of Horlicks. I took on board advise about having nice alternative drinks in the house and I didn't even think about alcohol as I cooked tea tonight, which shows that I am starting to break the habit

I can really relate to the discussion about drinking to relax/forget about worries etc and I have found that my anxiety levels have increased and I have been feeling more tearful since I have stopped drinking. I think this is just because I am having to face up to issues both in my past and in my present life that have been masked before now. I am concentrating on things in the here and now at the moment. I feel like I have cut myself off from people and feel isolated.

Anyway, hope you are all doing well and looking forward to the bus roof being off for the sunny weather

Thanks venus and sarah

I do have a self destructive streak and I always have. I also think I tend to go into victim mode sometimes, whereas other times I absolutely refuse the label.

I can't imagine ever coming to terms with what happened - because its so permanent. I can't erase the picture of my baby kicking away on the screen two days before I terminated the pregnancy. In some ways I can't move forward because there is no forward - I will never have another baby. And I can't seem to make peace with it. I think I could have accepted not having another child if it hadn't happened this way - its just that I had such a role in it.

I'm sorry, I'm not making much sense and I'm struggling and drinking.

Ah Isinde I get that urge whenever I watch Poirot. They are often drinking cocktails, wine or brandy and I always used to settle down for 2 hours of good tv with a bottle of wine by my side. So, yep, pavlovian response for me there. But I too have resisted .

MsGee ((hugs)) to you, brave babe x

No wonder you are struggling MsGee xox.

Isinde I also am a drinker when cooking. I don't really enjoy cooking very much, or certainly not the day to day stuff, so for years I have been using the "incentive" of opening a bottle of wine as a way to get started. I usually drink a lot while I am cooking and stop as soon as I actually sit down to eat. Trouble is that is often as late as 9pm. I am trying to figure out ways to a) drink less in those witching hours and b) eat earlier. I have thought about starting cooking earlier in the day (am sahm) but it remains a chore that I keep putting off til the last minute!

Are you still there rusmum? We'd love to have you back on the bus.

Hiya to all other babes, thank you for all the food for thought you give me.

bibbity how about having an n&t (nothing and tonic) whilst you cook. Nothing wrong with drinking whilst you cook, as long as it's not alcohol! Make yourself a lovely, favourite soft drink, with ice to clink in the glass and a slice of lime. I buy ice by the bagful now. It's about £1 a bag but a heck of a lot cheaper than a bottle of wine .

I'm not a great fan of tonic on its own, Faire. I absolutely loathe aspartame and can taste it a mile off so I have a problem with most soft drinks, even the non-diet ones.

My current favourite is Rock's lime squash made with fizzy water.

I have taken to making a cup of tea when its time to start cooking, and am gradually getting used to it . Day 20 here, btw.

Hello everybody.

Well I broke the 5 o'clock 'zero hour' last night. We had to be somewhere at 1830 and didn't get in til 20 past eight. I still had 2 and a half glasses but don't feel fuzzy at all today.

This is the thing, if I have something out of the ordinary to do, i don't even think about it. But I can hardly interrupt DD's bedtime routing every evening, and will be back in the kitchen at five tonight.

My mission for tonight is to try and see if I can push it back as far as last night.

Wishing you all the best in your own endeavours x