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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In shock

31 replies

miskatonic · 28/02/2012 12:41

I found out today that my partner of 5 years has a child that I knew nothing about. The child was born when we had been together for around 5 months. He was separated from his wife when we met but he said he had no kids of his own, just a step child from that relationship. Obviously his ex must have been pregnant at the time.

I'm in shock. I didn't think he was that sort of person. Not only to keep something like this from me but to not have contact with his child. To make matters worse we have just had a baby. He was great during the pregnancy, was there for the birth and is great with her which makes this even harder to understand. He doesn't know that I know. How should I even bring this up?

I'm trying to rationalise this by thinking that maybe he only found out recently and didn't know how to tell me what with the pregnancy etc? I know that's probably just self delusion. What should I do?!

OP posts:
Original poster
miskatonic · 28/02/2012 12:49

Also, I'm pretty sure that none of his family know either. Unless they are in on keeping this from me but I just can't see his entire family not even dropping hints about it. His marriage ended on pretty bad terms and I've really never got the full story from him.

Now I'm thinking he could he just walk out on us like that too. I grew up without my dad in my life and I just never thought he was like that.

OP posts:
Chrononaut · 28/02/2012 12:56

I think, the best thing to do is to approach this gently. The big thing here is that he has been there for you and has put effort into being with your dd. There are millions of reasons why he might not see his child (i.e a friend of mine opted not to see his child as he lived very far away and didnt want to drop in and out of their lives. he also works a job where he isnt in the uk very often..also his ex dp detested him and was planning to use his ds against him she even admitted this)

so maybe bring it up, but dont be angry or upset. im sure there are reasons but the important thing is that he's been there for your dd.

OhBuggerandArse · 28/02/2012 13:02

The big thing here is that he has been there for you and has put effort into being with your dd.

I disagree, I'm afraid. The big thing here is that he's been lying by omission about something really big and really fundamental to all your relationships, and has done so over a number of years.

I'm sorry, OP, that must be a huge shock, and a huge worry. I don't think there are any reasons that could excuse it, and I can't see where you would begin to unpick something like this. But you won't do yourself any favours by minimising just what a big deal it is.

mojitomania · 28/02/2012 13:04

Ask him OP. How did you find out?

Original poster
miskatonic · 28/02/2012 13:05

Thank you for replying. Surprisingly, I'm not even angry. If anything I wish he had told me so that I could be there for him. I do remember when we first met that I said something to the effect of 'thank god there are no kids, I don't know if I could handle that much baggage' (yes I was young and selfish). Maybe this is why he never said anything and then it just got too late? By all accounts his ex was not a very nice person and she lives abroad which is how I'm quite sure there has been no contact.

OP posts:
Original poster
miskatonic · 28/02/2012 13:06

mojitomania - I found a letter from the CSA.

OP posts:
Portofino · 28/02/2012 13:07

Does HE know he has a child? How did you find out?

PfftTheMagicDraco · 28/02/2012 13:20

He must know if there's a letter from the CSA, no?

SardineJam · 28/02/2012 13:39

Maybe he's only found out recently? And she's used the CSA to track him down? Who's to say he knew she was pregnant when they split up, hence his family not knowing.

I think you need to sit down and talk about this, i'm sure there is a plausible reason

Lueji · 28/02/2012 14:01

So, you found a letter amongst his things? Or a letter has arrived for him?

I'd ask him about the letter and check his reaction. Possibly contact his ex (although, TBH, not sure that would be advisable).

beachyhead · 28/02/2012 14:05

She might have got pregnant by someone else and that's why they split?

fabulousdarling · 28/02/2012 14:06

Er are you absolutely certain he is the biological father? It has been known to happen that people tell CSA wrong info. I assume your partners name is on the birth certificate? You have a lot of questions to ask.

NeshBugger · 28/02/2012 14:08

Something that has to be discussed though as a portion of your shared income is going to go to support that child.

There is also the question over contact.

Maybe just give H the letter, let him read it by himself and then go from there?

If he doesn't know about the existence of the child then a DNA test will be in order.

If he does know about the child then he has some explaining to do. Probably will be along the lines of he was making a fresh start/didn't know how to tell you/the longer he didn't mention it the harder it became/he put the child to the back of my mind

Until of course these things have a habit of catching up with you.

Chrononaut · 28/02/2012 14:13

Hi op.

I still say gently bring it up in conversation. Just sit him down, tell him you found a CSA letter and then ask him to explain, let him know you arent angry and he should play ball....although he might be a bit hurt and upset but who knows.

there's no reason to call his ex. I think doing that will just be shit stirring IFYSWM. Talk to him first thats all you really need to do at this stage. its between you and your fiance what you do about this.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 28/02/2012 14:23

It depends if he knew all along.

If yes, then that is deception on a massive scale, and I don't know what I'd do.

However - if he's only recently received a CSA letter and had no idea - that changes things. Is that credible, though? When you got together and immediatley afterwards, were he and his ex still nominally in touch? If so it would be hard to believe that she was pregnant through that time and that he didn't know.

HellonHeels · 28/02/2012 14:25

If his ex-wife lives abroad how is the CSA involved?

toptramp · 28/02/2012 15:04

TBH I would be really pissed off that he had nothing to do with HIS OWN child. Yes he has a lovely child with you but he should be looking out for ALL his children the selfish twat. Sorry op.

toptramp · 28/02/2012 15:06

Ok I guess he is paying for his own kid but I have so little respect for men who run out on their kids despite what the relationship is like with the mother.

ModreB · 28/02/2012 17:45

The CSA do not deal with cases where the child lives abroad. The country where the child lives would deal with the support issues, issue an order but only if the country where the child lives had a Reciprocal Enforcement of Maintenance Orders (REMO) agreement with the UK would the UK authorities get involved. And even then it wouldnt be the CSA.

That is what my SIL was told, she lives abroad (but still in the EU) and is unable to use the CSA to claim maintenance for her child from her exH who lives in the UK. She would need to get a ccourt order in the country where she is living, and then go through a legal process to get it enforced in the UK which would cost thousands of £, so unless the OP's DP was earning a shedload of money the maintenance would be far outweighed by the cost of enforcing the order. A REMO agreement also would not force the NRP to pay any arrears, it would only kick in from the time that the order was made and not from the time that the child was born.

Either the exW has come back to the UK, or dare I say it the OP is being less than truthful?

corlan · 28/02/2012 18:22

There is also the fact that your child has a brother or sister out there that they are going to want to know about someday.

Original poster
miskatonic · 28/02/2012 18:49

OP here. OK, the letter arrived today and I opened it. I feel so guilty but when I saw it I honestly don't know why but I googled the return address and when I found out it was the CSA then I opened it. God, I sound like a psycho but I've never done this before.

I can't tell him this though so I just said that a letter came and I knew where it was from because I was nosy and looked up the address. He is denying all knowledge of anything and hasn't opened it yet. In fact he is making a point of not opening it. Apparently when he gets around to opening it then we will deal with it together. I said that if for any reason there was anything in his past that he hasn't told me about then to tell me now but he said as far as he is aware he doesn't have another child and if that is what the letter says then he will be appealing it (if that's even possible?).

I'm presuming he is lying as surely they don't just send a letter saying you have to pay x amount? He would have had an initial letter informing him of the claim and that was his chance to refute it. I guess I will have to wait and see what he says and if he still lies then tell him I know the contents of the letter.

With regards to the ex, I know she at least used to live abroad as this is where they got married. We have only recently come back to the UK ourselves. It's possible that she has come back to the UK also. He claims she had an affair and that is one the reasons they split up. He also says she was a money grabber. Obviously he is biased in this regard but other people have also said this. He is earning good money and according to the letter he has to pay over £100 a week, I'm not sure if that is a lot more than the average?

I actually can't believe that he could not have contact with his own child.

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 28/02/2012 18:55

I'm with OBugger on this I'm afraid.

He lied by omission. He had 5 years to tell you.

Maybe he's the type to be around during pregnancy etc. and then effs off....

Sounds like he's lying even more, I live abroad and CSA doesn't have jurisdiction here at all. Only this country's laws do.

Sorry you're having to go through this.

chocoraisin · 28/02/2012 19:05

I realise it's not your primary concern but just let let you know, the money would be a standard proportion of his net income, so it's not a case of a lot or a little. If you earn £10,000 a year and are an NRP (non-resident parent) you would pay the same percentage of your income for that child as you would if you earned 100K. So don't worry too much about the figures. She can't moneygrab through the CSA as there is no wiggle room. They find out your income, do the standard math and inform you what the sum is - I'm not sure of the process so I can't say if it's likely that you saw a 1st, 3rd or millionth letter from them.

I would feel the same way as you if I was with a DP and they didn't see their child at all. I think a gentle question or two is in order, followed by a few tougher questions if you're not happy with his answers. Life is complicated but if you would be inclined to support contact (and the child is his, etc) then I'd think that is the way to go - point out that you don't expect him to ignore his own kid, and (if true) that you wouldn't issue any kind of ultimatum 'me and our baby or your other kid!' (some people do, not suggesting you would)... maybe it would help him stop freaking out and talk sensibly to you about it?

chocoraisin · 28/02/2012 19:06

PS HUG, this must be a terribly confusing and upsetting time for you :(

FabbyChic · 28/02/2012 19:24

Its possible she never told him she was pregnant, she must be in the UK for the CSA to have contacted him.

Don't push him. He can dispute it being his and he will have to have a DNA test.

Check online calculators to see how much he would be liable to pay.