In shock

[miskatonic]

I found out today that my partner of 5 years has a child that I knew nothing about. The child was born when we had been together for around 5 months. He was separated from his wife when we met but he said he had no kids of his own, just a step child from that relationship. Obviously his ex must have been pregnant at the time.

I'm in shock. I didn't think he was that sort of person. Not only to keep something like this from me but to not have contact with his child. To make matters worse we have just had a baby. He was great during the pregnancy, was there for the birth and is great with her which makes this even harder to understand. He doesn't know that I know. How should I even bring this up?

I'm trying to rationalise this by thinking that maybe he only found out recently and didn't know how to tell me what with the pregnancy etc? I know that's probably just self delusion. What should I do?!

Loads of women get pregnant and never tell the father, its not guaranteed that he knew at all.

for the record: CSA do not have jurisdiction but, if a court order is obtained for maintenance where the NRP is in a coutry who has REMO, *the CSA do still manage collection (not assessment) and would therefore still be involved. If the NRP is work for and British tax paying company and still paying tax in the UK the CSA would be involved in this case too. I don't know the situation if its the resident parent who is involved.

Please do condemn him automatically for not having had involvement with his child. There are many reasons why this may be the case. Not least because he may consider that dragging the resident parents through court to do so can be thoroughly unpleasant not just for the adults but for the child too.

I have a very close and long time male friend who is like a brother to me. When he was younger he lived overseas and was in a long time relationship. They split up, but she later told him she was pregnant. She wanted the child, but not him.

He has now been married to over twenty years and has two DC and couldn't be a better DH and dad. I don't think he has any contact with this child, but is ready, willing and waiting for the day.

I tell you this, merely to say that until you know the back story, it will be hard to know how to feel.

If it was me, I would let him know I know, and take it from there. This might be something that you deal with as a team.

If she had an affair he may have genuinely not thought it to be his. He also may genuinely not have known. Don't jump to conclusions just yet.

I agree that you should give him the benefit of the doubt, at least for now.

I have to agree with ohBugger. My heart goes out to you op, you need to sit down with him and find out the truth.

I've had experience of this myself, my heart sank when I found out something similar in late 2010. He never supported that child. He abandoned her (she's in her early twenty's now).

Did the same to our dd in January 2011 when she was nearly 4.