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Original poster

10 year affair *dons hard hat in preparation for a slating*

85 replies

Jade2102 · 27/02/2012 21:18

Hi I just wanted some advice on a situation that has been a part of my life for the past decade!

I'll start at the beginning I was 15 and my friends older brother (5yrs older) made a move on me, I'd never been with a guy before and things went slow but eventually 1 thing led to another and we slept together after a couple of months.

He had a gf I later found out but continued to show an interest in me... I was young and stupid but I carried on seeing him. I got a steady boyfriend and ceased all contact with this guy me and my bf were together for 2 1/2 years but it come to a natural end.

I met the guy mentioned again when I moved bk to the town I grew up in and our fling continued, he was with another girl and had a ds with the previous gf.

I then got involved with another guy and moved away again and had my ds it turned out my ex was a complete idiot and has not supported my son since walking out 2 years ago.

I kept in touch with the first guy and he has had another ds with second gf while I was with my ex. I questioned him wen I found out about the pregnancy and he said "we both know who's baby it should be" ???

Cue the past few years and I see him regularly (twice a week) he sais he loves me and doesn't care about his gf just his 2 ds's

I don't know what it is I just feel like he has such a hold on me and my feelings I'd love to be able to flick a switch and not feel the way I do about him but I just can't he makes me feel like im the only girl in the world that he's got eyes for I feel safe and so happy with him, we talk regularly and he's there for me as a friend asŵell

I've not asked him to leave his gf as I wouldn't want the child to be without a family but he does know I'm not happy with the arrangement.

I know I'm bang out of order but I can't help the way I feel.

Please don't abuse me I'm not posting for that!just some advice on how to deal with this would be great!

Thanks

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 27/02/2012 21:23

Move on - your attached to him because he drew your sexual map for you by taking advantage of a very young woman.

Obviously he's an arse, all those women, all those children.

Tell yourself to move on and you will - but you have to believe you deserve better Smile

fabwoman · 27/02/2012 21:23

You can help the way you feel and you are chosing to let this man use you and are showing your kids how to treat a woman.

How to deal with it? Deal with what?

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 27/02/2012 21:26

Be strong and walk away. Sever all contact, this is going nowhere.

MordechaiVanunu · 27/02/2012 21:26

Oh dear, it's hard to know where to start, so I can't really, there is so much wrong here and so much for you to work out and understand.

I'd just say look at your life and ask yourself is this is really how you want to live? Read your OP and ask yourself do you want to be that person?

If not how do you want to live, what do you want for yourself and your child, and what do you need to do to achieve that?

Hopefully you'll be at the start of some real soul searching from here onwards, and I wish you well with that, because the life and relationships you describe are so unhealthy and pathetic it can't be good for you, your son or anyone else involved.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 21:27

Hello, I feel very sorry for you

I think I can put my finger on why you feel such an "attachment" to him, albeit a very, very unhealthy one

A grown man of 20 seduced a 15 yo girl. Think about that. Think about how much more worldly-wise he would be, and how vulnerable to suggestion a 15yo virgin is. Think about how that can affect that girl as she grows up and attempts to make healthy relationships with others.

Now take yourself out of that equation and how would you feel if you saw that happening now ?

Do you think he is an honourable man ?

Do you think it would be a good idea to stay in touch with him ? Is it likely to be healthy for you ? Should you let yourself be used by him (again). What would you advise someone else to do ?

foolonthehill · 27/02/2012 21:28

choose you and a fab relationship with yourself and perhaps a different (hopefully lovely) man in the future.
Don't stay stuck at 15, vulnerable and grateful for the scraps that he deigns to give you.

I am sure that you are a fabulous person. Why settle for 2nd best? And why expose your DC to the attitude that his mum does not deserve any better? YOU DO.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 27/02/2012 21:28

I don't get it - it's not really an affair is it? Basically the guy you first slept with is a twat who tries it on when you're in touch and periodically uses you for a shag.

Just forget about it, there's nothing to handle. He's an arse - no more to say. He's not interested in you at all - well no more than all the others he sweet-talks.

roundtoit · 27/02/2012 21:29

if you want a part time man carry on , if you want him wait till he leaves his partner for you , than wait till he messes you around, he sounds just the type who will always mess around
move on

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 27/02/2012 21:31

Sorry posted too soon! See this for what it is now you're not 15 any more. If a friend of yours told you this story, what would you say? What advice would you give?

It will never matter whether this guy is technically free or not. The important fact is that he's a shit and a cheat. You can do lots, lots better.

Mollydoggerson · 27/02/2012 21:33

why can't you be on your own for a while, even for 6 months to clear your head.

kodachrome · 27/02/2012 21:34

There's no happy solution here.

I think you should stop sleeping with him, tell him you love him & want him, but aren't willing to share anymore, and see which ways he jumps.

madonnawhore · 27/02/2012 21:36

First of all, if he had sex with you when you were 15 then he statutorily raped you.

Secondly, this isn't an affair. He just takes advantage of you and shags you when you're available.

You need to build some self esteem and then you'll see how creepy and gross this guy is.

His poor partner.

Original poster
Jade2102 · 27/02/2012 21:40

Thanks for the advice just confirmed what I already knew deep down... At risk of sounding like an idiot I love him and no relationship has made me feel the way he does.

My ds knows nothing of this and I wouldn't ever allow him to he's not met this guy and mine and his relationship does not suffer as a result.. My son is my be all and end all... Sometimes it would just be nice to share his loveliness with someone!!

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 27/02/2012 21:41

Well this guy doesn't deserve it.

Ditch and be on your own for a while.

izzyizin · 27/02/2012 21:45

For 2 nights of the week this third rate liar makes you feel 'like the only girl in the world that he's got eyes for'?

Can you not see that you're his bit on the side and that's all you're ever going to be to him?

kodachrome · 27/02/2012 21:46

Don't be available. Stand tall and value yourself - cos if you don't, no fucker else will.

If he wants to be with you, he will make it happen. Don't accept sloppy seconds.

SinicalSanta · 27/02/2012 21:51

I think we all have a soft spot for the guy we fell for at 15. You are no different there - just that for most people there was a breakup - probably the first heartbreak - and we moved on, a little wiser.
that is something you'll have to take a deep breath and do - better late than never.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 21:52

Are you going to cut off all contact with him ?

I would advise it.

And mean it. Forever. He is using you. Again.

Original poster
Jade2102 · 27/02/2012 21:57

10 years not count for anything then? I guess I've been kidding myself that because I've known him longer than his current partner I've kind of got a pety 1 up? I just don't know what to do anymore? Gawd seeing it in black and white is an eye opener to say the least!

OP posts:
kodachrome · 27/02/2012 21:59

Sure, ten years stands for something. But only if he agrees and stands up.

Otherwise it means shit all.

madonnawhore · 27/02/2012 22:01

He's having his cake and eating it.

He's got his partner and kids, and he gets to shag you on the side when he wants to.

Why would he bother changing the situation? He'd be happy for this to carry on forever and you'd never get anything more out of him.

You need to be the one to walk away.

Xales · 27/02/2012 22:13

Sorry Jade

You may have known him longer than his current partner but...

He chose to be in an open and established relationship with someone else not you.

He chose to hide and sneak and have grubby sex with you twice a week.

If he wanted a relationship with you why would he have started one with her rather than wait for you or have one with you?

He makes you feel like the only woman in the world twice a week. Does he do that for her the other 5 days/nights?

He lied to his first partner while setting you up. He lied to you while setting you up when with his first partner. He lies to his current partner about who he is doing twice a week (unless they have an open relationship). Not such a great guy really who has lied to you and hidden you as a dirty little secret for 10 years...

Do you think this is what you are worth?

AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 22:17

Yes, 10 years counts for something

it means he has been using you for 10 years

AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 22:19

now a little of your true colours may be creeping out, be careful

you think because he has been shagging you on and off for 10 years you "have one up" on his current gf

that is pretty fucking low

madonnawhore · 27/02/2012 22:25

Have you ever thought about his partner at all?

You know, this isn't the meant-to-be love affair you've built up in your head.

This is some selfish twat who took advantage of you as an underage girl and now uses you when he feels like it.

You sound very immature. For your own sake and the sake of your DS, you need to get a clue.