10 year affair *dons hard hat in preparation for a slating*

[Jade2102]

Hi I just wanted some advice on a situation that has been a part of my life for the past decade!

I'll start at the beginning I was 15 and my friends older brother (5yrs older) made a move on me, I'd never been with a guy before and things went slow but eventually 1 thing led to another and we slept together after a couple of months.

He had a gf I later found out but continued to show an interest in me... I was young and stupid but I carried on seeing him. I got a steady boyfriend and ceased all contact with this guy me and my bf were together for 2 1/2 years but it come to a natural end.

I met the guy mentioned again when I moved bk to the town I grew up in and our fling continued, he was with another girl and had a ds with the previous gf.

I then got involved with another guy and moved away again and had my ds it turned out my ex was a complete idiot and has not supported my son since walking out 2 years ago.

I kept in touch with the first guy and he has had another ds with second gf while I was with my ex. I questioned him wen I found out about the pregnancy and he said "we both know who's baby it should be" ???

Cue the past few years and I see him regularly (twice a week) he sais he loves me and doesn't care about his gf just his 2 ds's

I don't know what it is I just feel like he has such a hold on me and my feelings I'd love to be able to flick a switch and not feel the way I do about him but I just can't he makes me feel like im the only girl in the world that he's got eyes for I feel safe and so happy with him, we talk regularly and he's there for me as a friend asŵell

I've not asked him to leave his gf as I wouldn't want the child to be without a family but he does know I'm not happy with the arrangement.

I know I'm bang out of order but I can't help the way I feel.

Please don't abuse me I'm not posting for that!just some advice on how to deal with this would be great!

Thanks

I'm afraid the harsh ladies have it right on this thread. If he wanted to be with you then he would be with you. He is just using you for sex and adoration, to stroke his ego.

What are you getting out of this relationship other than a lack of self-esteem and a feeling of second best?

Cut your ties and find a man who treats you well. But first, I would advise some serious time out from all relationships to work on your self esteem and to realise that you are an adult, with responsibilities to your child and to yourself. You deserve better than this.

Whatthelikesofworldgone carzy and AF have written.

I will just add this. You were groomed by him at 15, you do realise this don't you?. He took advantage of both your naiveity and youth and stole all that and more from you. This is and remains about power and control.

He has not really been so much a part of your life for the last decade so much as a parasite feeding off your naiveity and apparant neediness for him. You have prevented your own self from meeting someone decent because of this twunt who enjoys having all this power over you along with having a string of women to use. This bloke has no idea what love is; he likely hates all women.

Cut all ties with him as of now for your sake. You do not need or warrant being used and abused in such a manner. The longer you leave your self esteem in the dirt the more likely it is that such men will use you to their own ends.

Would suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

Oh you poor darling

I was very much in love with a man who wasn;t available. I stayed with him for a few years for the reasons you describe.

I still know him, we are still friends, but I will never love him again...he did leave his marriage and started seeing someone I didn't know about, a few weeks later. He then married her.

I thought my life was over, I had had his child and I felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my body. I didn't see him for a good few years and concentrated on our child. It was fucking hard. Really, really fucking hard as like you, no one had ever made me feel the way he did and I really believed we loved each other.

But I grew up, I did recover, always a part of me aches, for the sadness I went through but I am still here many years later and I have someone of my own, finally, that I love just as much and more.

It was terribly, terribly painful to lose the first guy (who was also my first lover) but now I am past that I can see that he had a choice all along...helped by my being in a similar situation when I started seeing someone else, and could not commit to him as I still loved my first. I saw then that when someone does not commit to you, they do not really love you. Or cannot. Especially if they go home to sleep next to someone else.

All these will just look like words to you, but eventually perhaps you will understand that this man is making a choice not to be with you properly..he would stand up in front of people and be proud to be yours, if he really loved you.
I'm so sorry xxx we're here for you if you need to talk xx

10 years means nothing. You've been an easy shag for 10 years. You go to him no matter who he is with. Do you really think this guy has any respect for you. You feel safe with him because he has to keep you sweet to keep his TWO women there. Don't you get it?! He wants to have sex with her too. He isn't over making love to you. He is getting a shag. It is very harsh hut you need to wake up. You don't know him really. He is using you and lying to you.

I am sorry that you were manipulated as a 15 year old but you are a woman now, you have to take responsibility for what you are doing.

Just to add, It is so hard to see a way out of this situation I think, unless you have some concept that there is anything better out there waiting for you.

I never believed there was, and there wasn't, actually, for years and years but now there is. It comes eventually. And having to be without him all that time was very good for me - horribly painful but good for me as I wasn't being lied to any more, or used, or on-off with him, always his choice, always him that decided when we would meet. Never me. And I did get sick of it, and stopped respecting him.

Good luck anyway. You're still really young, you'll be Ok in the end, really you will x

agreed, ten years of what? of being not his main concern, of not even being his actual partner.

why is that then? why didn't you get together properly. there is a reason.

at least you have made the move to address this, having posted on here.

move on op!!! drop contact. that will test his 'commitment' to you!

He was 20 when he started having sex with you, a 15 year old. That is illegal and if caught he would have been put on the sex offenders register. How would you have felt about him then? A registered sex offender? You were young and naive and stupid in your own words, which meant that by luring you into a sexual relationship he was actually being predatory.

Is this the kind of man you really want your son to meet? What kind of role model is he?

He has cheated on every single girlfriend that he has had and now has 2 children (?) to look after. How do you know that he hasn't also cheated on you with other girls? How do you know that he isn't feeding this story to someone else? If he can cheat on the mothers of his children then what makes you think that he'll stay at all true to you? In fact he hasn't has he? He's slept with his girlfriends whilst still sleeping with you. So he's already cheated on you. So far this is all amounting to a bit of a bastard isn't it?

He hasn't bothered keeping in touch with you has he? He's just there when you go running and takes full advantage of your vulnerability all over again.

I can understand the attraction of an older man and I can understand what it feels to be wanted, to be seduced and made to feel loved. But he doesn't love you does he? Who is he sleeping with right now? Who is he living with? That's his choice made right there, he hasn't chosen you, he's chosen his latest girlfriend because he knows you'll always be there. You've been there for the past 10years so what is going to change now?

He is robbing you of a future. Because you feel unable to let go, you aren't completely free to start new relationships and perhaps this is why your previous ones were doomed from the start? Because how can you invest your time and energy into a committed relationship when he is always on your mind? No, you haven't said as much but I suspect it. Yes your last boyfriend walked out on you and that was a shit thing to do, but do you think that this one is a keeper? Really?

What you need is someone who shows you so much love and respect that they are willing to commit fully to YOU and no-one else. You need someone who is prepared to be a father to your son. Someone who will stay faithful and who will be your rock. I'm sorry you haven't found that person yet, but if you let this idiot go, then you stand a much better chance of finding him.

Where do you want to be in the next 10 years? Still holding onto him in the hope that he'll commit to you? Alone in your home knowing that he is sleeping with someone else? Do you not think that you deserve more than that?

Tell him it's over. Cut him out of your life completely and focus on making your own life, with your little boy, the best it can be. You obviously have a lot of love to give, so you won't end up alone and lonely. You can find your own Mr Right but you won't find him whilst you are still pining for Mr Wrong. He's already taken so much from you whilst giving nothing in return. It's time to stop giving him so much of your life because he sure as hell doesn't deserve it.

Hi thanks for all your replys, harsh and all I'm a big girl and I'm fully aware that what I'm doing is wrong.

With regards to the whole age thing I don't think it's right that some of you have said I was "groomed" or "raped"! I was fully aware of what I was getting myself into and was fully consenting. I wouldn't class myself as immature, I've had many things in life to deal with that an immature person wouldn't have been able to.

Just throwing another can of worms out there as I think to get a idea of the full picture I need to say this. I did fall pregnant by this guy a couple of years ago I told him and we both agreed that it would be best to terminate. Now this isn't a descision I took lightly and one I will never truly be happy in making but even if I was in a steady relationship I think my choice would have been the same, I was in my final year at uni, my son was 3 and I was not in a financial or mental state to continue with the pregnancy.

This guy has been there for me when I've needed him not just for sex but just a shoulder to cry on or general chat. It's not as sorded as its been made out to be.

Jade, its an on/off affair with a man who is/was commited elsewhere and had children (ie; family life) with both these women.

It is exactly as sordid as its been made out to be. Infact the attraction for him may be the sordid and forbidden nature of it all.

The question is, what are going to do now?

The law would have seen it very differently. You were a child in the eyes of the law and he was an adult taking full advantage. You cannot say that you were naive and stupid on the one hand but then try to defend him by saying that you knew what you were letting yourself in for. You clearly didn't otherwise you wouldn't be in this situation now.

I'm sorry but if he was such a support to you he would be with you now. He is incapable of providing support to his own kids however or to the mothers of those kids so what makes you think he'll be different with you?

He's been sleeping with his girlfriends whilst sleeping with you, does that mean anything at all to you?

And you've had unprotected sex with this man, who has also had unprotected sex with his girlfriends which is truly irresponsible. I would suggest you get an STD test. And his girlfriends, presumably they don't know he's been shagging around and they too, have been put at risk of an STD without their knowledge. That's the kind of man you want to spend your life with?

You are not mature at all. You've a lot more growing up to do yet.

You may think you were grown-up at 15, jade, but when you have a child of your own that is 15, you will agree with us

What are you going to do, love ?

Advice? Stop doing it.

Well I know what I need to do. It's just the doing it that's the hard part, I don't intend on contacting him however I know he will at some point contact me. Even if I change my number which would be costly as its the same as my business so would have to change sign writting on my truck, business cards, invoices etc. there's always the fact that he knows where I live and there's nothing to stop him turning up at my doorstep! I know I need to be strong and move on but I doubt he'll make it easy for me to do so.

Somewhere in your psyche you learnt that women are merely competitors for a man's attentions. That's why you have never had any respect for his established partners and is why you seem to regard them and their children as a mere inconvenience.

You also seem to delude yourself that because you have remained a booty call all these years, you have 'longevity' rights over his current partner and the mother of the child he did want to keep.

Whereas the rest of us can see as plain as day that if he'd ever thought you were worthy of a proper, openly-conducted relationship with him, he would have been off finding some other booty call within minutes. Your 'relationship' would have lasted about 6 months at most if it had been open to the real world.

He doesn't love you. He never did and he never will. He has absolutely no respect for you.

He will never commit to you because he doesn't think you're worth it.

But if you had more sense and more kindness and decency towards your fellow woman, you would regard that as an absolute blessing and a lucky escape.

You're 25 now and old enough to know better. If you've been to university you should have more intelligence than you're demonstrating here.

So being kind to you, here you are at 25 with a degree to your credit and a much-loved child. Worth more then than pissing about with a 30 year old waster who thinks that siring children he can't look after, is a bit of a hobby.

Treat yourself better but at some point, feel some compassion for the women who've been hurt and messed around by the pair of you. Feel some compassion for the children who have missed out on having an attentive father who respects their mothers.

End this horrible, sordid relationship today and don't look back.

Right, so he won't let you move on? He is denying you a bright future with someone who will love you and be a father to your son. What a selfish bastard he is.

He won't make it easy ?

You re your own woman, aren't you ?

i presume a businesswoman can articulate what she wants

tell him to leave you alone, it is over and mean it

that bit is quite simple really if you really mean it

if you are game playing, or are setting yourself up to fail before you've even started, then it's never going to work

Oh no...he really let you have a termination you weren't happy about?

I am so sad for you. I know, you feel you have him, or a part of him, and he belongs to you and no one can take him from you.

I expect he does love you a little bit, well, maybe not love but he is attached to you. That's possible while he still sees the future being with this other girlfriend.
When you have been desperately attached and in love with a man and started seeing someone else, as well, because the man you love is messing you about, and you like the other guy and want to give it a go - but you cannot stop yourself from running back to the guy you love, then you will understand what he is doing, what he should be doing if he really, really loved you, he would be jacking it in with the other bird and with you all the time.

He would want kids with you, he would see you as this brilliant, beautiful creature he couldn't get enough of.
I never KNEW that existed until I met my present man. And tbh I think when I was young, I was scared of it. I was really scared of someone wanting me that much, it made me feel so vulnerable, like I wouldn't be good enough if he chose me, if he loved me. So it was safer to be with someone who wasn't committed to me.

I can totally understand where you are at with this guy, I really can and I know how it feels.
I do think he probably has some loving qualities but also he is being an absolute git to you. As mine was to me...and to his wife.
I can't tell you what to do but over time maybe you will find a way out x

He is a bit of a shit if he does not even respect your right to terminate this "relationship". Dont change any numbers, just be firm.

If he wont leave you alone, you contact the police, or a solicitor, and get an injunction out against him.

It is fear isnt it? Pure and simple, fear that has kept you tied up to him since you were a 15 year old teen. You say you were mature and had to deal with a lot? I bet he spotted a vulnerable teen, one that had to deal with shit, one he could latch on to, and appear good for, one that thought she was strong on account of experiences, but really wasnt.

I think Quint has it in one there.

OP, can I suggest that you ask your GP for some counselling? I have a feeling that you haven't fully come to terms with whatever you had to deal with and you may benefit hugely from speaking to someone about why your past relationships failed and why you feel so tied to this man. Once you examine your own motives and past experiences you may be able to understand a little more about what is going on. Not only will this allow you to move on from this bastard, but also help you to make the right choices in the future for both you and your son.

He will only persevere if he thinks he's going to get somewhere.

I don't think he's the problem as regards ending this relationship. He'll just move on to someone else like he always has after all.

You're the problem and the good news is that you're the only person you have control over.

If you want to end this non-relationship you will.

But I don't think you do want to end it and so you won't.

And more kids will be born and more women hurt by this prick's actions. You hold all the cards here. You know he is a shit and that he likes shagging more than one woman at a time without contraception. Those other women didn't and don't know that.

Think of this - 10 years down the line how is your son going to see this "relationship" you have with him, finding out this man has other children by other women. Do you think he will respect you for it?

Right now you are teaching him that relationships have to be furtive and secretive (even if he is not conscious of it).

Are these the lessons you want to teach him about his own future relationships with women?

For both your sakes, get out now!

Oh yea, and if you all live in the vicinity of each other, all his kids could end up at school with each other.

What happens when the sh*t hits the fan then?

You REALLY need to take in the long-term implications of this situation.

I've not asked him to leave his gf as I wouldn't want the child to be without a family but he does know I'm not happy with the arrangement.

and he has done exactly.... what, about this? Why, NOTHING!

His ACTIONS tell you what you mean to him (apart from his selfish pleasure). Nothing.

You are very young, good luck. You are showing courage raising this and questioning it. This is the first time you are really looking at the fact you got used/sexually abused/statuary raped in a power/adult misalignment. That you are still being used. Good luck.

Any time you doubt us, contact his gf and tell her of your beautiful understanding. Watch his reaction to you. He would DUMP you, call you a whore, love and respect - nowhere.

Then you will know we are telling the truth.

Good point there that I hope you listen to. What would his reaction be if you spilled the beans to his girlfriend? Or gave him an ultimatum? Do you think he would leave them to go to you? No, and not because he wants to be there for his kids (didn't think about that whilst he was shagging around did he?) but because he knows that whilst he can have you on the side there is no need for anything to change.

You have successfully managed a business whilst being a single parent. You obviously have balls. Setting up your own business must have meant making tough decisions that would have paid out in the long term. So see this as another tough decision to be made that will be an investment for the future. YOUR future.

Hi there. I really think you should listen to this series. It's all about learning to become the kind of person that your ideal partner would want - rather than looking for someone to fix you.

www.northpoint.org/messages/the-new-rules-for-love-sex-and-dating

It's in 4 parts - links to the other sections are at the bottom of the page.