10 year affair *dons hard hat in preparation for a slating*

[Jade2102]

Hi I just wanted some advice on a situation that has been a part of my life for the past decade!

I'll start at the beginning I was 15 and my friends older brother (5yrs older) made a move on me, I'd never been with a guy before and things went slow but eventually 1 thing led to another and we slept together after a couple of months.

He had a gf I later found out but continued to show an interest in me... I was young and stupid but I carried on seeing him. I got a steady boyfriend and ceased all contact with this guy me and my bf were together for 2 1/2 years but it come to a natural end.

I met the guy mentioned again when I moved bk to the town I grew up in and our fling continued, he was with another girl and had a ds with the previous gf.

I then got involved with another guy and moved away again and had my ds it turned out my ex was a complete idiot and has not supported my son since walking out 2 years ago.

I kept in touch with the first guy and he has had another ds with second gf while I was with my ex. I questioned him wen I found out about the pregnancy and he said "we both know who's baby it should be" ???

Cue the past few years and I see him regularly (twice a week) he sais he loves me and doesn't care about his gf just his 2 ds's

I don't know what it is I just feel like he has such a hold on me and my feelings I'd love to be able to flick a switch and not feel the way I do about him but I just can't he makes me feel like im the only girl in the world that he's got eyes for I feel safe and so happy with him, we talk regularly and he's there for me as a friend asŵell

I've not asked him to leave his gf as I wouldn't want the child to be without a family but he does know I'm not happy with the arrangement.

I know I'm bang out of order but I can't help the way I feel.

Please don't abuse me I'm not posting for that!just some advice on how to deal with this would be great!

Thanks

OP I'm not going to slate you.

I was the OW for ten years, I thought I was in love, I believed that he loved me.

I won't go into details because this is not my thread but I understand how hard it is to extricate yourself from a relationship that you believe, given different circumstances, could work.

I finally walked away a year ago. It was terribly hard and it broke my heart but was without the best thing I've ever done. There were false starts: I believed the promises and was flattered by the running and the declarations. The late night phone calls and the tears but ultimately I came to fo ally understand that no man is worth being a second choice for.

Walk away op. find a man you can love and who will love you.

Good luck

all his kids could end up at school with each other.

your son and all his kids could end up at school with each other....

'Any time you doubt us, contact his gf and tell her of your beautiful understanding. Watch his reaction to you. He would DUMP you, call you a whore, love and respect - nowhere.'

Oh yes, this is what happened after the sh*t hit the fan with mine. I didn't tell her; someone did.

He stood in front of us both denying that he had anything to do with me, saying I had 'chased' and followed him and that it was all only ever about sex.

When I called him on this later, he just said 'what did you expect, I was trying to save my marriage'.

That sort of was a big hint about how much I meant to him and how true all his words had been about how special we were and how it was the real thing, etc etc. The only thing he cared about was the marriage and I was nothing more to him than a fantasy he could use from time to time.

I don't know the set up with your boyfriend but it definitely sounds as though you're quite low on his list of priorities, which makes me sad for you. But then, maybe that's enough for you for the time being.

I do know that being used like that is really bad for you and everyone around you, especially your son.

I hope you continue to question how much you matter to this man and manage to get angry, and get some distance. You will probably need some RL support to do this.
Good luck x

Wow a big thank you to everyone for ur advice and sharing similar stories and positive outcomes!

I'd like to think I do have "balls" in everyother aspect of my life. I've got a beautiful son, a degree, a job/business that i love and is just taking off and things are looking bright for its future. Ask any of my friends and they'll all say "jade dont take no shit" and I don't generally! It's just this one thing I think I've been kidding myself that this is ok and all I deserve and thanku all for telling me otherwise it's been enlightening to say the least!

So now how do I go about this do I wait til he contacts me? Should I message him? Or should I just ignore all future contact? I don't want to be a bitch about things but want to make it clear that this situation is not going to continue.

I am scared, scared shitless in fact! He is all I've really known for the past 10 years and obvs I do have strong feelings for him still that I need to get over.

My job and my son mean that I don't have a normal 25yo social life infact my social life is zero! All my friends are pregnant or have young children/partners there are some younger Uni mates but I always feel like the mum of the group and they are all a fair bit younger than me.

Gawd this is going to be tough!

no, it isn't

phone him

tell him you no longer want him to be a part of your life

you have moved on

any attempts by him to contact you will be ignored, and if he persists, you will make sure his girlfriend knows

personally, I think you are overestimating his reaction

he will bluster a bit, but when he realises you are serious, he wil have your replacement lined up soon enough and drop you like a stone

in fact, he probably already has

I sincerely hope she isn't a teenager though

I agree with AF (what a surprise ) because it puts you in control.

YOU will be calling the shots not him, and that will empower you so much that it will give you the strength to tell him fuck the fuck off when he tries crawling back.

Take back what he took from you!I

Actually I wouldn't suggest calling to break it off, just stop responding to texts/calls etc.

In the past if I actively tried to "break up" this would provoke a flurry of declarations, letters and flowers, which are IME far harder to ignore than a general "how are things" text.

When you wake up this morning just tell yourself that you will not respond, after a few weeks you will stop feeling wretched and gain a feeling of strength.

A year on my "OM" still calls and texts and tries to engineer meetings but the positive feelings I get from having moved on are far better than the feelings I got from being with him, because ultimately wherever we were whatever we were doing, eventually he went home to his wife. That was his choice.

Be strong, prepare yourself for the fact he will come out with all sorts of romantic bullshit when he thinks he is losing you but that life will be infinitely better when you are someone's first choice.

And finally sometimes I remind myself that if my OM could lie to his wife, the mother of his DC, so successfully and treat her so shabbily then it was a fair assumption that he's actually pretty worthless and not someone I want in my life.

I hope you are PM ing Obviously!

Jade: I do have strong feelings for him

look up traumatic bonding. You know, he didn't treat you with the respect you deserved at 15. He didn't follow the proper boundaries of recognising you were just a child. He messed with your head at a time when you needed to have romantic fantasies about Prince William/boybandbeauty/whoever.

Also, stuff that is forbidden, is very, very very exciting. The MEMORY of stuff that is forbidden is exciting. It is a very sad (but understandable) fact that sexually abused people can get off on memories/similar fantasies to their abuse.

So that is another thing for you to look at. He used you and let you down and profoundly disrespected you when he should have been looking after you.
Google Tracy Emin and see what she says about the men who 'went out' with her, when she was that age.

Her rage at them is huge (and she is right to be angry). She knows she was exploited. She calls them paedophiles.

You sound a great girl. It's all about living, and learning, and doing what is best FOR YOU.

Nah, you want to move above not below your current level of men. He needs you more than you need him so don't give in to him.

I've slept with loads of women in my youth but never fathered children or two timed with them as to me that is just irresponsible and screwed up behaviour. That he is willing to cheat on other women does not mean he won't cheat on you. Also he probably wants to tie you down with his kids more than anything else.

I think he will try to change your mind because this little arrangement he has is very cosy. He gets to experience domestic life with a girlfriend who probably waits on him hand and foot, and he gets to have his exciting no-strings sex with you. Why would he want that to change? So yes, he will try to make you change your mind and he might even start making promises to you. This is where you will have to be strong. This man is not a keeper. If he loved you he would be living with you and would be committed to you. He doesn't love you, he just loves this very convenient and ego-boosting arrangement.

When he got together with you he knew your brother so he would have some knowledge of your family and that you were vulnerable. He targeted you I'm afraid. Even now he knows how to wrap you round his finger, by listening to you, providing you with what you need so that he can have his rewards later.

Don't try to make any contact, just stop taking his calls. In fact you can get his number blocked on both your landline and mobile so it might be worth doing that. If he comes round to your house, don't answer the door. He doesn't deserve to know where he stands - after all he's never given you the same courtesy has he?

Whilst you are setting up a business, your social life will be sacrificed but it is so very worth it. Your friends are getting married/pregnant and it can be hard watching them settle down, but then they are probably looking at you with your driving ambition and brilliant future prospects and wish they were in your shoes! Your career will mean a bright future for you and your son. You'll be able to give him so much more and he will grow up with a huge respect for women because you will have been his role model.

Once the business is settled you will start to enjoy life and you'll be able to enjoy it in style, without worrying about where every penny comes from. You are so young yet! I didn't get married until I was 28 and had my first child at 29. You are just 25 years old, you have plenty of time to meet someone else. And when you do meet that person, they'll have so much respect for you because of what you have done with your life. Ask any man and he'll tell you that an independent woman is very sexy - you'll be fighting them off soon!

Pour your energies into your business, give it a full year to really get going and then you can start to rediscover your social life. And you'll be able to afford the going rate for babysitters!

Stay strong, think of what you have achieved so far and don't let this be your one failure. You know what he is now. He's a destructive force who refuses to let you go. You are better than that, you are stronger than that and you will prove to him and to everyone that you have what it takes to make a complete success of your life.

Do come back in one years time (we'll probably all still be here!) and let us know what you've achieved in that year. Then we can have a proper celebratory thread.