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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

10 year affair *dons hard hat in preparation for a slating*

85 replies

Jade2102 · 27/02/2012 21:18

Hi I just wanted some advice on a situation that has been a part of my life for the past decade!

I'll start at the beginning I was 15 and my friends older brother (5yrs older) made a move on me, I'd never been with a guy before and things went slow but eventually 1 thing led to another and we slept together after a couple of months.

He had a gf I later found out but continued to show an interest in me... I was young and stupid but I carried on seeing him. I got a steady boyfriend and ceased all contact with this guy me and my bf were together for 2 1/2 years but it come to a natural end.

I met the guy mentioned again when I moved bk to the town I grew up in and our fling continued, he was with another girl and had a ds with the previous gf.

I then got involved with another guy and moved away again and had my ds it turned out my ex was a complete idiot and has not supported my son since walking out 2 years ago.

I kept in touch with the first guy and he has had another ds with second gf while I was with my ex. I questioned him wen I found out about the pregnancy and he said "we both know who's baby it should be" ???

Cue the past few years and I see him regularly (twice a week) he sais he loves me and doesn't care about his gf just his 2 ds's

I don't know what it is I just feel like he has such a hold on me and my feelings I'd love to be able to flick a switch and not feel the way I do about him but I just can't he makes me feel like im the only girl in the world that he's got eyes for I feel safe and so happy with him, we talk regularly and he's there for me as a friend asŵell

I've not asked him to leave his gf as I wouldn't want the child to be without a family but he does know I'm not happy with the arrangement.

I know I'm bang out of order but I can't help the way I feel.

Please don't abuse me I'm not posting for that!just some advice on how to deal with this would be great!

Thanks

OP posts:
Smum99 · 27/02/2012 22:46

If anything the 10 years makes it worse, over that long period of time he would have had the opportunity to date you properly but he hasn't. Please don't waste anymore time on him, tell yourself it's over, delete his number and go cold turkey. He will try to make contact as he enjoys love the attention but don't respond.

He's not just into you...

(we have all be there, adoring someone who isn't as keen, when you meet the right man you will know the difference..it will happen for you, dump this guy and allow the right man to come into your life)

Bogeyface · 27/02/2012 22:47

i dont think she meant that AF.

To him it is a bit of extra curricular, but to her it is love, she feels he is her soulmate. So to her, knowing him longer than his current gives her more ownership of him, almost as if the current is in fact the OW encroaching on their relationship.

My H has an ex who was like this whenever we saw her after we got engaged. She had dumped him years before, so you wouldnt think she would care, and she was fine before our engagement, but afterwards she would always make a point of saying "Do you remember.....Oh you werent there were you Bogeyface? it was when we were going out together!" or "Do you remember that holiday we had in 1980whatever.......have YOU have been there Bogeyface". She would also do the touchy feely "look at us, we are so close because we have known each other so long" bit. It was bloody laughable tbh and I wasnt at all threatened but I think thats closer to what the OP meant.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 22:54

am not sure that is much better than my interpretation, tbh

izzyizin · 27/02/2012 22:59

You haven't spent 10 years with him.

See it for what it is - he's used you for 10 years and you've been using him to... do what exactly?

It's easy to see what he's getting out of this arrangement - he gets to do the dirty on his current partner and get his rocks off with you twice a week, but what are you getting out of it?

If you're getting off on feeling superior to his current partner, who is the mother of one of his dc, simply because you've known him longer than she has then, assuming you do not move in the upper echelons of society, you should be aware 'tis the way of the world that when your tawdry affair comes to public notice you'll be viewed as nothing more than a whore and, as such, not fit to lick her Laboutins boots.

Bogeyface · 27/02/2012 23:10

Its more naive, its more.....emotional rather than "ner ner" iykwim.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 23:13

I know what you are saying, BF

but Op needs to see the reaction to that kind of mindset, tbh

at the moment, she thinks she is in a Romeo and Juliet, Bonnie and Clyde star-crossed lovers shtick

when really, it's all a little bit tacky and unpleasant

Bogeyface · 27/02/2012 23:18

Oh I totally agree. I was thinking Romeo and Juliet too actually, although Bonnie and Clyde might be a step too far, unless they rob banks on their "twice a week" dates :o

AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 23:19

it's possible !

CallieJ · 27/02/2012 23:20

You lot are so harsh and judgemental, you sit on here thinking you know best about everything... OP says she feels safe and happy with him, that's not tacky or unpleasant

AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 23:21

'ere we go Hmm

AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 23:22

callie

jade

yep, see where you are coming from Wink

CallieJ · 27/02/2012 23:26

No you don't I am nothing to do with Jade!
just said it like it is that's all

AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 23:27

no, callie, you saw something you thought you did

jade has had kind replies on this thread, more than she possibly deserves in some people's eyes, so give over socking trying to cause a row

Eurostar · 27/02/2012 23:28

feeling safe and happy with someone who has used you and had ample opportunity to fight to get with your properly over ten years but has actually gone off and been multiply unfaithful to multiple women says to me that the OP's radar is way off, someone has to be lonely and vulnerable and an easy target to have their head turned like this. It sounds tacky - him coming around for sex while GF is at home looking after his child. It sounds unpleasant for all the pain she feels each time he goes, for the insult to his GF when he says things such as, we know whose baby it should be.

You ask how to deal with this OP? I would cut him out of your life and try to find ways to feel safe and happy without him. Can you think of any ways that you could do this?

QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 23:30

Believe me it is anything but loveliness. It is creepy. And seedy.

A man using a teenager for sex, and dip in and out of her life, convincing her they have a special bond, while he continue to father children with other women?

He is not a nice man. Why do you think you deserve so little? Scraps from other women's table?

You know, as long as you hold this "man" in such high esteem, you are never going to meet, and fall in love with a normal man, who can be a normal part of your life, who you can talk about, and share real love and lovelyness with.

CallieJ · 27/02/2012 23:32

no kind replies from you AF!
I am not trying to cause a row either

AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 23:35

I can't be arsed to engage further with silly people, this evening

CallieJ · 27/02/2012 23:38

ah you know I am right!

QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 23:40

1 up? 1 down I'd say. You have spent the last 10 years being second best after his other partners...

gomummygo · 27/02/2012 23:40

At the risk of outing myself as I say this a lot irl -

Some people will treat you exactly as badly as you allow them to.

He's doing it, you're allowing it.

Please don't allow yourself to be treated this way. You are worth more.

You feel the conflicted feelings you do because of what happened when you were 15. Push past them. Please move on. Self esteem, then a real relationship. Not this.

mybrainsthinkingfuckyouagain · 27/02/2012 23:45

CallieJ I suggest you reread AF's initial response which was more than fair.
But when CallieJ Jade came back with one-upmanship bullshittery given the fact that in reality she's had sloppy seconds for a decade then AF quite rightly called her on it.

Bogeyface · 27/02/2012 23:56

Callie
I have seen AF being what some people have called nasty, or mean or bitchy. I have had her respond to some of my posts, today in fact, and I would say that she is nothing less than honest, but thats for a good reason. Yes it can be tough to hear, although less so for me now, but the first time she responded to me was after my STBX's affair came to light and it did hurt when she told me I was married to a man who would never respect me or be faithful and honest with me. Why did it hurt? Because it was true. Deep down I knew it but I needed someone like AF to make it crystal clear and help me accept it.

Its called tough love. Sometimes you DO have to tell it like it is, if only so you dont insult the intelligence of the person who asked for advice. Do you think she gets off on saying things like that? No, I would guess that she would much rather never have to say anything like that because it would mean that women like the Op and like me arent being taken for idiots by their husbands or boyfriends. She says it so that we arent taken for idiots again.

I would rather have a hundred AFs on here than one "Ahhhh, it must be true love, you have to fight for him....blah blah" daft bint.

izzyizin · 28/02/2012 00:10

You'll be able to preach to the converted ad nauseum on the daft bints' nethuns site, Callie.

Don't bother to close the door after you as the harsh wind of reality brings much needed fresh air to the vast majority of those who are in need of this board.

foolonthehill · 28/02/2012 10:25

Hi OP (if you are still there)

Try writing your "story" down with your best friend, or sister or mum in your role....see what you think of it then.

Unfortunately we can all be fooled into thinking our emotions are right ...but they can lead us into a lot of trouble...and what we think we feel may be based on nothing more than wishful thinking.

Really, really you need to end this, you are being used and he doesn't care. if he did, he would be with you...after 10 years he's had plenty of opportunities

bringbacksideburns · 28/02/2012 10:30

He's having his cake and eating it but you know that already.

I have a friend like you. I can't possibly understand the attraction to a cheating man who would do the same to you if you were ever in a 'proper' relationship with him.

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